Icicle

Lately, I've been down in the dumps and I think it's more than just my menstrual cycle. For serious. And sorry for being graphic. All in all, I'm quite overwhelmed about being back in a place I used to call my comfort zone. I enjoyed being at school and seeing my friends who I haven't seen pre-Oz. But for some reason I still feel as if I'm out of place and need to get reacquainted with my surroundings. I told a friend of mine that I've changed since coming back from Australia, which I believe is completely normal when you do something life-changing like study abroad in the farthest place you could ever be from your house...no, i'm not kidding, Western Australia was in fact the farthest place on the map that I could ever be from both school and my house. And I lived there for four and a half months. Whoa. 


On numerous occasions, I get anxious and awkward and feel as if I need to plan ahead constantly. And my troubles I'm having with my car aren't exactly helping. I'm sure I'll find my footing eventually and get into some sort of routine. Because i'm that type of person: routine-oriented. Ha, what if that was a sexual-orientation. Woo.


Sometimes I actually enjoy being in class or going to the library to do work. I can't tell you how many times I've frequented the library. If i had a foursquare account, I'd be a mayor of the fucking place. Ridicccc.


But back to change, it is normal and although I still am the same person my friends now me as, I have changed in certain ways. For one, I don't smoke pot anymore, which I think is worthy of some praise...even by my stoner peers. It was a personal decision. To be honest, I never really knew if I was high. And that god-awful smell it left on my clothes...so not purrdy. But I don't frown upon my friends who do smoke. Go for it. I'm not one to judge, holmes.


Another change would be in the level of confidence in myself. Granted, I am still the shy fuck that I am on some occasions but there are times when I know how to make a decision or say what's on my mind. And I'm starting not to give two shits if someone dislikes me. It's actually really funny to be honest...


My friend's boyfriend who is not exactly something i'd order for lunch has this idea that I hate his stinkin' guts. Okay, well, not to get side-tracked here but let's just say, if i'm willing to get to know you, then give me something to fucking work with. I'm not gonna slay you like Buffy the Vampire Slayer or push you off a pirate ship. Jesus Christ I am not that scary alllllll the time. In a way, it's a bit empowering to know that someone thinks I don't like them. What's more empowering is when I know when people don't like me. I used to care a lot about what people think. Nowadays, it's more like if you don't like me, that's fine. I really could care less. I tell my friends I'm not a people person anyways. But I assure you, I'm not as cold as everyone thinks. I'm just...me.


Change, it sucks to other people but I think it happens for a reason.