I’m not one to praise myself. I’m a great person with a lot of great qualities however, I don’t really take the time to reflect on such great things. Don’t get me wrong, I am flawed. I’m that car with scratches and dents that fail to be fixed. I have scars from my past that I keep to remind myself of what I was once was. Because like every human being, I have to start over no matter how hard the whole starting-over process can get. I choose to start over but at my own pace, knowing that eventually I’m going to have to put my foot down and say to myself, “Seriously, Jules. Get your shit together. Pick yourself up and keep going.” Experiences happen – they can be life changing, they can hurt, they can be beneficial, they can be amazing. No matter what they are, they’re present in my life as well as everyone else’s.
People make choices based on how they’re feeling at that present moment. Of course, making certain decisions can include the future as well, for example telling one’s self, “Is this going to affect my future?” whatever that decision may be (i.e. relationship, career, what to make for dinner and if it will affect one’s weight, canceling plans on someone, etc.). We all have the ability to make choices and whether we decide to let outside forces affect those choices is up to us. We can stop, we can start, we can push away, we can take the reigns, we can keep going, we can give up. And at times, especially the present, I want to stop and give up and slam my head against a wall and cry. At the same time, I want control over myself knowing I can’t control every single situation and every uphill battle I tend to be involved in. I want to be able to laugh and embrace the people in my life even when other parts of my life are still fragile. I want to understand things that are difficult for me to understand when I’m emotional and irrational. I want to be patient. I want to be calm. Clearly, I want a lot of things (including a pet pig) but as I’ve said before, hopefully having patience for something I’m passionate about will hopefully pay off. And if I could be honest with myself, I have been patient. In the past month, I've changed my cynic/slightly skeptical attitude and have become somewhat cheerful, optimistic, and well, patient. It could be because embracing new people in my life could be a breath of fresh air (hint, hint). To me, patience is somewhat of a sacrifice – a sacrifice that I’m willing to make for things I feel strongly about (i.e. a job, a relationship, an opportunity). I make sacrifices knowing the circumstances and possible setbacks. But it’s all not said and done once I finally accomplish something. Waiting so long for something I desperately want doesn’t mean the hard part is over. If anything, it means it could start right away. Happiness isn’t something you can simply get and then be.
My roommate and one of my best friends recently told me that happiness doesn’t come in the form of one solid thing. Happiness isn’t an object one can simply attain and then say, “Okay, I finally have it. I’m happy.” Happiness doesn’t end, it’s a journey, as she put it. It’s something that is constant. One entity of my life isn’t the whole thing that makes me happy. Yes, having a steady job in a rough economy is something I am happy about. Graduating college with honors and making my family proud is something I’m happy about. Hopefully maintaining a steady and healthy relationship with someone is something I hope that will make me happy. But all these things as you can see are not ONE thing that does it for me. It’s a combination of sorts. At the same time, these things can change, they could shatter, they could surprise in the scariest ways. And I won't know this. I’m going to go through more shit in the future than I could possibly imagine. I’ll most likely fall on my face and stumble more times in my twenties than I thought I did in college. I’ll make mistakes and cry and laugh and experience so many different emotions that I’ll be on the verge of an emotional stroke. Who knows! I have no idea what’s going to happen in the future, which is why living is a journey. It can be scary don’t get me wrong but at the same time it can be exciting. We have no idea what’s in store for us, and that could be something happy to look forward to.
