Looking at the calendar now, it's almost been 3 months since I've last written here. Unlike before, I won't sit here and apologize for not writing. I've just been unmotivated. Although endless thoughts flood my mind, I didn't feel the need to write them down and share.
To sum up the fall and winter thus far, I can truly say I've had better days but who hasn't gone through a time in their lives where things kind of just...stop? Where you don't really feel like yourself or up to doing anything that normally you would do in a heartbeat.
I took a sabbatical from dating, something that I think helped but hurt all at the same time. Going through countless dead-end experiences wasn't ideal for me. And to escape the mind games, overthinking, and empty wallet over people who clearly were looking for different things kind of saved my well-being. But it also hurt at the same time because although those people disappointed me, I did miss that companionship; that feeling of being "wanted"; the good kind of busy where you couldn't meet up with your girlfriends because you had a cute date to go on. The text conversations and random twenty-minute chats on the phone, that's what I missed. But learning how to be alone, although somewhat lonely, isn't always a bad thing. I've been learning to rely on friends for fun comradery and painstaking laughter and I'm continuing (struggling, but continuing) to rebuild my self-worth and not dwell on the things I miss and hope for in a relationship. I know that I'm bound to have a healthy one eventually but at the right time and with the right person, as patient as I have to be, I am learning to understand as time goes on.This doesn't mean I'll burst out with some feelings of heartbreak ever again, because there will be days where I will feel like complete crap but right now I'm just trying to things as they are and not feel sad. Besides, I'm at work right now and being consoled by my co-workers would make me feel awkward.
Right before Super Storm Sandy scared the shit out of me and the rest of the Northeast, I came down with a bout of really bad laryngitis, which actually turned out to be mononucleosis. Yummy. And of course, just my luck. I wouldn't consider myself germaphobic but I always had this uncanny fear of getting mono kind of like how Hannah Horvath was always afraid of contracting AIDS. Did I mention I'm like really excited for the new season of Girls to come out on January 13th? Anyways, I didn't receive the results of my bloodtest until a few days before Thanksgiving. So right after my tonsil nastiness cleared up I went right back to working out not knowing my spleen was swollen and could burst if I ever were to trip and fall on a morning run outside. Oops! All in all, I'm feeling better and have been for almost two months. My doctor says I'm not contagious and to take it easy working out.
So since nothing exciting has really happened since I last wrote here (and I'm not saying my last post was anything to be excited about), I guess one of the reasons why I've decided to write this short blurb was because one of my best friends motivated me with her own writing. My health guru workout queen nugget Gi has taken to her own writing outlet and I must say she is one to inspire and motivate. Take a look at her new blog that'll not only motivate you to be the best version of yourself you could possible be, but it'll also put things in perspective in an intriguing way. With a background in health and fitness, she can even inspire those tummy trolls to feel motivated and get Gi-Fit :)
I'm not making a comeback or anything like that by writing for the first time in a long time. This may be the last post I write for a while, who knows. But after reading some moving words by one of my closest friends, I've decided to come back and see where things take me.
Oh, and I finally got an iPhone. The 5. It's really cool but I'm still getting used to it.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
I'm afraid to read your letter
I'm afraid to read your letter because it'll just bring back all of those good memories that aren't there anymore. Your letter is in the top drawer of my dresser with the frosted glass. You know, the one I bought from IKEA and sent a picture to you after I finished putting it together. I remember you told me I did a great job and you really liked the color of my walls. But you never got to see the color close up nor did you get to see the drawers, or me for that matter.
I'm afraid to read your letter because it'll just show me the promises and hope that was easily taken away from me. Just as easy as it was for you to write that letter. I'm sorry for saying that and I'm sorry if it comes off as harsh. But I think you and I were so keen on telling each other the truth; what I hope was the truth and still is the truth. It's really hard for you to think about that stuff right now. You're trying, which is good.
I'm afraid to read your letter because it'll take me back to that place. That emotional, loving, vulnerable place. And although I do still keep you in my heart and there hasn't gone a day without me thinking about you, I refuse to revisit that letter and read what you wrote. It'll break my heart. It'll turn my pretty decent day into an anxiety-ridden night of tossing and turning and downright missing you. I miss you, you know that? No surprise there, you'll say.
I'm afraid to read your letter because I'll cry. I mean, I've been crying if that's what will make you feel better - just knowing that I'm a completely shattered person and putting myself together is like a blind man looking for his glasses in a large open space with only white noise in the background. I still go out and have fun with my friends but your in my head still. You're untouchable and I can't do much about that. Part of me wants to keep you there just in case you want to come back and show me those promises up close and personal.
I have no more eggs because I placed them all in this mysterious basket that I just can't seem to remember where I placed. There's no point of searching for it either. I'll remember with time. As Sanctus Real sang, "Sometimes the truth ain't easy to find...But I'm learning that these things take time."
I saved your voicemails too. I listened to them not too long ago. Although hearing your voice was refreshing, those words you wrote me this past summer are things you wouldn't normally share over the phone. Amazing, heartfelt words. I just can't read them right now. I'm still that blind man looking for his glasses in a large open space with only white noise in the background.
I'm afraid to read your letter because it'll just show me the promises and hope that was easily taken away from me. Just as easy as it was for you to write that letter. I'm sorry for saying that and I'm sorry if it comes off as harsh. But I think you and I were so keen on telling each other the truth; what I hope was the truth and still is the truth. It's really hard for you to think about that stuff right now. You're trying, which is good.
I'm afraid to read your letter because it'll take me back to that place. That emotional, loving, vulnerable place. And although I do still keep you in my heart and there hasn't gone a day without me thinking about you, I refuse to revisit that letter and read what you wrote. It'll break my heart. It'll turn my pretty decent day into an anxiety-ridden night of tossing and turning and downright missing you. I miss you, you know that? No surprise there, you'll say.
I'm afraid to read your letter because I'll cry. I mean, I've been crying if that's what will make you feel better - just knowing that I'm a completely shattered person and putting myself together is like a blind man looking for his glasses in a large open space with only white noise in the background. I still go out and have fun with my friends but your in my head still. You're untouchable and I can't do much about that. Part of me wants to keep you there just in case you want to come back and show me those promises up close and personal.
I have no more eggs because I placed them all in this mysterious basket that I just can't seem to remember where I placed. There's no point of searching for it either. I'll remember with time. As Sanctus Real sang, "Sometimes the truth ain't easy to find...But I'm learning that these things take time."
I saved your voicemails too. I listened to them not too long ago. Although hearing your voice was refreshing, those words you wrote me this past summer are things you wouldn't normally share over the phone. Amazing, heartfelt words. I just can't read them right now. I'm still that blind man looking for his glasses in a large open space with only white noise in the background.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Go Away...
Please. Just for now. Meow hiss.
I'm leaving my phone in the car for the time being.
I'm sorry.
PS: This isn't a picture of me. But doesn't she have my hair and mannerisms?
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Don't you worry child...
This song + my life currently = assurance.
My insides are dancing like all these peeps. RIP SHM.
gimme some time, jiggas.
gimme some time, jiggas.
Monday, September 10, 2012
40 MORE Things You Should Know Before Dating Me
In regards, to the previous 40 things, here are 40 more. And if you haven't read the first 40 then you should before you read these 40. Just came back from a run in mah new shoez and felt inspired. Meow. Woof.
1. Pet names, I'm guilty. Consider yourself lucky if I don't call you by your real name. Real names are dull. Okay, not really, but seriously...how do you expect me to get comfortable with you without a nickname? Nicknames are boss and cool and say things like, "Hey, I'm cool enough to be called something other than my real name. Only my parents call me by my real name. Lame sauce!"
2. I rape New York Magazine's Restaurant and Bar section of the website. It's maddening how many great and famazing places there are in the 13.4 mile-long island and surrounding burroughs. Fiddlesticks, I really wanna go on dates at all these places. It's just a matter of finding the right company, and if you consist of that right company, then you're all taken care of. At least for that night. And if my bank account allows it. Moreover, you have to be fucking nice is what it comes down to. I'm not taking you to Frank or ABC Kitchen if you're gonna treat me like dog shit.
3. If you intrigue me, I will smile. You may not know it but I'm smiling.
4. I say "anyways," rather than the grammatically correct, "anyway." I add the s. Why? Just 'cause. And if it's a make or break of you dating me, then you can sit by yourself. Forever.
5. The older I get, the nicer I try to be. However, the nicer I try to be, I don't always receive the responses I'd like to hear. Example: If I try to be sweet to you and you respond sarcastically, I'll feel defeated. I'm sorry but I will.
6. In regards to #5, I'm also quite sensitive. But don't really show it :\
7. I think about sex during the day more often than at night.
8. The company I currently work for is somewhat lax with their personal phone use policy. To be honest, we don't have a personal phone use policy. But I can text. So don't think I'm uber needy if I'm texting you during my work hours. Or calling you on an extended break. I'm great at multitasking and that doesn't just apply to using a phone.
9. I won't make the first move. I just won't. I'll imply for it to happen. I'll hint at your ability to "go in for the kill." I'll even meet you half way (okay, more like you come in 60% and I'll go in 40% in terms of kissing). But I just can't get myself to put on my big girl pants and make the first move! At least not yet.
10. I have a pretty good memory, so don't lie. Or at least try not to. Better yet, simply quit while you're ahead. I'll catch up, put pieces together, and eventually question you. Sorry, but I'm not trying to be made a fool especially when I'm willing to take you to Frank or ABC Kitchen (see #2).
11. I'll make you mix CDs and hope to God you like the songs.
12. If I'm having a really shitty day and I plan on seeing you, I will genuinely ask you for a hug because I genuinely need one in my overwhelmed state. And please respond kindly. Who doesn't like hugs?
13. If I feel the need to console you for some odd reason, I'll pat and/or rub the top of your back for a good second or two. Just let it happen.
14. I'm that type of girl who smiles at her phone when you text me. I mean, if it's something nice of course. Who would smile at a text like, "You're being a sensitive cunt. I don't want to talk to you right meow or go to Frank with you."
15. I listen to inspirational, Christian music on the radio to and from work. Don't ask. But those songs really get me through some tough times, especially as of late. One time, I was driving home and I heard this song, and I started bawling. Legit, #bawling. If this means you'll stop seeing me and talking to me, then you are definitely not worth expensive dinner dates and back rubs. Fuh you!
16. I'll have those days where I'm just sad for no reason. It has nothing to do with you. I'm just sad. And I'll secretly hope you'll console me with a hug or some inspirational words.
17. I read here and there. I usually read obscure literature. Like right now, I'm reading C.S. Lewis. I think it'd be so cute if you gave me a book to read and wrote me a little note in it. I'd keep it forever even if I didn't read the whole thing.
18. I'll miss you more when I drink wine with my friends. I'm currently doing that right meow with three of my besties.
19. Body pillows. They are famazing. When you're not around...yeah, I'll be putting my crotch on that and cuddling like a sad puppy in need of some lovin'.
20. In regards to #19, I'm big on cuddling. I cuddled with my mama this past weekend because I was feeling really down and didn't want to be alone. I'm sorry but I love my mama and if she's willing to be the only one to love me then so be it.
21. Eventually, I would like to say goodnight to you. Whether it's via text or a brief phonecall, I would want to say goodnight to you no matter if you're out with friends or taking an early night in.
22. As much as I love Williamsburg and the #hipster lifestyle, I can't fathom fully dressing like one. I mean, I try but it never works out. Just don't judge me if I wear herrem pants on a date. If I do, that means I'm #extremely comfortable around you.
23. I'm drunk, please don't judge me for blogging right meow.
24. I've said this before, if I'm out with friends and I'm drunk, I'll expect you to pay attention to me when you text me.
25. I will want to send you e-mails of things that pop up on my Twitter that remind me of yew.
26. I will secretly hope you have a partially romantic side to you. I mean, I do. SoooOOOoooo, it would only make sense? Idk.
27. I have the worst sounding morning voice. I used to talk to someone who thought it was "so sexy" but no. It's not. I sound like raspy senior citizen who lives in nursing home miserable, sad, and alone. Or widowed. Depending on when you die.
28. I will support you. If you're working in the circus or about to get an abortion, I will support you. Look, my motto is, "If I'm gonna love ya, I'm gonna love all of ya." But...that depends on a lot. Like a lot.
29. You show me the same amount of effort that I put into a relationship, if not more, I will treat you like a queen, a princess, like fucking Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge.
30. I would want to read to you. Usually, I like sharing interesting Thought Catalog articles with people and I will insist on reading them out loud to you whether over the phone or in person.
31. I'm big on tone and sometimes texting can be a little much for me, especially if I don't know your sense of humor or can't read your interest level. I may become stand offish without assurance that you're joking/still interested/not being a huge dick of a person/etc. Refer to #6.
32. I've played games when I dated before and as I get older, that's becoming more of a hassle than a fun time. Dating should be fun, not strategic. So don't try sinking my battleship by being a asshole.Thanks.
33. Phone > Texting. Depending on the time and place.
34. I used to have the hardest time accepting compliments. But you know what? It just goes to show you that someone is just trying to be nice. And that's what I try to do these days without losing all sense of my wit, sarcasm, and cynicism. So dammit, if I say you smell good or look good, then take it. Don't "blame" it on the fact that you showered for the first time in 13 days or I'm just looking at you from a certain angle.
35. I'm not a klepto but I'll ask you if I can have something that you're wearing. Not in a weird way though. More of like a childish, "gimme gimme" way. I'll insist on trading with you something of equal or lesser value (lesser if I'm being honest) of my own, but over time I'll just keep whatever is yours and say I'm "taking good care of it temporarily." You won't get it back. And I probably won't end up trading anything of mine with you.
36. I'm not that great at planning dates. I'm good at making suggestions, meeting you at said destination at said time, and even being a team player and trying new grub, drinks, blah blah blah. But when it comes to planning, I'm better at planning roadtrips and social gatherings. I think.
37. I'm slightly self-conscious about my writing and if you show little to no interest in reading my blog, or you seem like a judgmental person, you're never reading this.
38. I do believe that first impressions are quite important. So don't be a dick.
39. I would hope that you in some way at least try to take care of yourself (i.e. decent night's rest, a little exercise even if that amounts to stretching in the morning or cracking your knuckles, have some sort of ambition even if that means determination to finish your plate of food or alcoholic beverage, etc.). Essentially, don't be a slug.
40. I will do everything in my power to make you smile. I promise you that :)
1. Pet names, I'm guilty. Consider yourself lucky if I don't call you by your real name. Real names are dull. Okay, not really, but seriously...how do you expect me to get comfortable with you without a nickname? Nicknames are boss and cool and say things like, "Hey, I'm cool enough to be called something other than my real name. Only my parents call me by my real name. Lame sauce!"
2. I rape New York Magazine's Restaurant and Bar section of the website. It's maddening how many great and famazing places there are in the 13.4 mile-long island and surrounding burroughs. Fiddlesticks, I really wanna go on dates at all these places. It's just a matter of finding the right company, and if you consist of that right company, then you're all taken care of. At least for that night. And if my bank account allows it. Moreover, you have to be fucking nice is what it comes down to. I'm not taking you to Frank or ABC Kitchen if you're gonna treat me like dog shit.
3. If you intrigue me, I will smile. You may not know it but I'm smiling.
4. I say "anyways," rather than the grammatically correct, "anyway." I add the s. Why? Just 'cause. And if it's a make or break of you dating me, then you can sit by yourself. Forever.
5. The older I get, the nicer I try to be. However, the nicer I try to be, I don't always receive the responses I'd like to hear. Example: If I try to be sweet to you and you respond sarcastically, I'll feel defeated. I'm sorry but I will.
6. In regards to #5, I'm also quite sensitive. But don't really show it :\
7. I think about sex during the day more often than at night.
8. The company I currently work for is somewhat lax with their personal phone use policy. To be honest, we don't have a personal phone use policy. But I can text. So don't think I'm uber needy if I'm texting you during my work hours. Or calling you on an extended break. I'm great at multitasking and that doesn't just apply to using a phone.
9. I won't make the first move. I just won't. I'll imply for it to happen. I'll hint at your ability to "go in for the kill." I'll even meet you half way (okay, more like you come in 60% and I'll go in 40% in terms of kissing). But I just can't get myself to put on my big girl pants and make the first move! At least not yet.
10. I have a pretty good memory, so don't lie. Or at least try not to. Better yet, simply quit while you're ahead. I'll catch up, put pieces together, and eventually question you. Sorry, but I'm not trying to be made a fool especially when I'm willing to take you to Frank or ABC Kitchen (see #2).
11. I'll make you mix CDs and hope to God you like the songs.
12. If I'm having a really shitty day and I plan on seeing you, I will genuinely ask you for a hug because I genuinely need one in my overwhelmed state. And please respond kindly. Who doesn't like hugs?
13. If I feel the need to console you for some odd reason, I'll pat and/or rub the top of your back for a good second or two. Just let it happen.
14. I'm that type of girl who smiles at her phone when you text me. I mean, if it's something nice of course. Who would smile at a text like, "You're being a sensitive cunt. I don't want to talk to you right meow or go to Frank with you."
15. I listen to inspirational, Christian music on the radio to and from work. Don't ask. But those songs really get me through some tough times, especially as of late. One time, I was driving home and I heard this song, and I started bawling. Legit, #bawling. If this means you'll stop seeing me and talking to me, then you are definitely not worth expensive dinner dates and back rubs. Fuh you!
16. I'll have those days where I'm just sad for no reason. It has nothing to do with you. I'm just sad. And I'll secretly hope you'll console me with a hug or some inspirational words.
17. I read here and there. I usually read obscure literature. Like right now, I'm reading C.S. Lewis. I think it'd be so cute if you gave me a book to read and wrote me a little note in it. I'd keep it forever even if I didn't read the whole thing.
18. I'll miss you more when I drink wine with my friends. I'm currently doing that right meow with three of my besties.
19. Body pillows. They are famazing. When you're not around...yeah, I'll be putting my crotch on that and cuddling like a sad puppy in need of some lovin'.
20. In regards to #19, I'm big on cuddling. I cuddled with my mama this past weekend because I was feeling really down and didn't want to be alone. I'm sorry but I love my mama and if she's willing to be the only one to love me then so be it.
21. Eventually, I would like to say goodnight to you. Whether it's via text or a brief phonecall, I would want to say goodnight to you no matter if you're out with friends or taking an early night in.
22. As much as I love Williamsburg and the #hipster lifestyle, I can't fathom fully dressing like one. I mean, I try but it never works out. Just don't judge me if I wear herrem pants on a date. If I do, that means I'm #extremely comfortable around you.
23. I'm drunk, please don't judge me for blogging right meow.
24. I've said this before, if I'm out with friends and I'm drunk, I'll expect you to pay attention to me when you text me.
25. I will want to send you e-mails of things that pop up on my Twitter that remind me of yew.
26. I will secretly hope you have a partially romantic side to you. I mean, I do. SoooOOOoooo, it would only make sense? Idk.
27. I have the worst sounding morning voice. I used to talk to someone who thought it was "so sexy" but no. It's not. I sound like raspy senior citizen who lives in nursing home miserable, sad, and alone. Or widowed. Depending on when you die.
28. I will support you. If you're working in the circus or about to get an abortion, I will support you. Look, my motto is, "If I'm gonna love ya, I'm gonna love all of ya." But...that depends on a lot. Like a lot.
29. You show me the same amount of effort that I put into a relationship, if not more, I will treat you like a queen, a princess, like fucking Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge.
30. I would want to read to you. Usually, I like sharing interesting Thought Catalog articles with people and I will insist on reading them out loud to you whether over the phone or in person.
31. I'm big on tone and sometimes texting can be a little much for me, especially if I don't know your sense of humor or can't read your interest level. I may become stand offish without assurance that you're joking/still interested/not being a huge dick of a person/etc. Refer to #6.
32. I've played games when I dated before and as I get older, that's becoming more of a hassle than a fun time. Dating should be fun, not strategic. So don't try sinking my battleship by being a asshole.Thanks.
33. Phone > Texting. Depending on the time and place.
34. I used to have the hardest time accepting compliments. But you know what? It just goes to show you that someone is just trying to be nice. And that's what I try to do these days without losing all sense of my wit, sarcasm, and cynicism. So dammit, if I say you smell good or look good, then take it. Don't "blame" it on the fact that you showered for the first time in 13 days or I'm just looking at you from a certain angle.
35. I'm not a klepto but I'll ask you if I can have something that you're wearing. Not in a weird way though. More of like a childish, "gimme gimme" way. I'll insist on trading with you something of equal or lesser value (lesser if I'm being honest) of my own, but over time I'll just keep whatever is yours and say I'm "taking good care of it temporarily." You won't get it back. And I probably won't end up trading anything of mine with you.
36. I'm not that great at planning dates. I'm good at making suggestions, meeting you at said destination at said time, and even being a team player and trying new grub, drinks, blah blah blah. But when it comes to planning, I'm better at planning roadtrips and social gatherings. I think.
37. I'm slightly self-conscious about my writing and if you show little to no interest in reading my blog, or you seem like a judgmental person, you're never reading this.
38. I do believe that first impressions are quite important. So don't be a dick.
39. I would hope that you in some way at least try to take care of yourself (i.e. decent night's rest, a little exercise even if that amounts to stretching in the morning or cracking your knuckles, have some sort of ambition even if that means determination to finish your plate of food or alcoholic beverage, etc.). Essentially, don't be a slug.
40. I will do everything in my power to make you smile. I promise you that :)
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
I used to be afraid of summer
Summer is the season to leave your inhibitions at bay, enjoy the hot, sweaty sunshine with your breast frans, and kiss strangers without giving a shit. Just don't get mono. Summer concerts, barbecues, rooftop hangouts, getting tan, beachin' it, BONFIRES, sandy sex (I wonder if summer is when the cocktail Sex on the Beach was created), watermelon grins, ice cold brewskies, tank tops, shorts, flippy floppies, and leaving the hair straightener 'OFF' all season because beach hair is more sustainable in humidity. I'm sure there are other terms associated with the sweet, sweet summahtime...but my job doesn't offer summer Fridays so we're not gonna talk about it, k?!
Essentially, summer is when you can give a huge middle finger to reality. "Hey, what's up real life? How've you been? Yeah? Winter did suck because being that frostbitten for four months isn't fun. And the springtime? Well, it's nice but those flowers and bees and pollen flying everywhere isn't doing wonders for my allergies. But the SUMMERTIME? Yeah, that's my jam! So I'm gonna do that for a few months before I have to start looking more put together in the fall. Peace, bitch."
Vacations and roadtrips, camping excursions and visiting old friends. Seeing new places out of spontaneity, hanging out at beer gardens and vegging out on a towel with sand in your crack...that's summer.
I remember last summer. Huff. It was fun but full of a lot of uhh...hmm...exhaustion? Recklessness? Car totalling? No sense of self? Well, a little sense of self but Jesus Christ it was tough. TOUGH. Huff.
But after last summer I used to think, "Man, I hate this season. It brings back so many unwanted memories and situations and toxicity. I don't want to do that again." I was confused and crazy. Still am a little. I cried a lot. I hated people. I did everything and anything to get my mind of what was consuming it. Not a great way to deal with things.
I'd still consider myself a little like my last summer self. Just a bit more vocal. A bit more wary and cautious. Cynical. Kind. Hopeful. Still a bit confused. Scared. Thankful for the help I have and receive. Probably a little more emotional. A little more anxious. A little bit broken, closed off. A few pounds lighter. Spiritual definitely. I try more. I try to be a lot more patient and a little less negative. It's tough sometimes. But it was enjoyable to say the least. I was happier this year. I was heartbroken too. I guess the two balance each other out. I don't know really know right now. All I know is that this summer was a little better than last year. I still had the same amount of fun just with much more heat in the air. I grew a little. Not by much but enough to accept and notice change. Trying to accept change still.
And now that summer is over. Part of me is dreading the fall. I have so much to learn and I guess to look forward to?
We shall see.
Essentially, summer is when you can give a huge middle finger to reality. "Hey, what's up real life? How've you been? Yeah? Winter did suck because being that frostbitten for four months isn't fun. And the springtime? Well, it's nice but those flowers and bees and pollen flying everywhere isn't doing wonders for my allergies. But the SUMMERTIME? Yeah, that's my jam! So I'm gonna do that for a few months before I have to start looking more put together in the fall. Peace, bitch."
Vacations and roadtrips, camping excursions and visiting old friends. Seeing new places out of spontaneity, hanging out at beer gardens and vegging out on a towel with sand in your crack...that's summer.
I remember last summer. Huff. It was fun but full of a lot of uhh...hmm...exhaustion? Recklessness? Car totalling? No sense of self? Well, a little sense of self but Jesus Christ it was tough. TOUGH. Huff.
But after last summer I used to think, "Man, I hate this season. It brings back so many unwanted memories and situations and toxicity. I don't want to do that again." I was confused and crazy. Still am a little. I cried a lot. I hated people. I did everything and anything to get my mind of what was consuming it. Not a great way to deal with things.
I'd still consider myself a little like my last summer self. Just a bit more vocal. A bit more wary and cautious. Cynical. Kind. Hopeful. Still a bit confused. Scared. Thankful for the help I have and receive. Probably a little more emotional. A little more anxious. A little bit broken, closed off. A few pounds lighter. Spiritual definitely. I try more. I try to be a lot more patient and a little less negative. It's tough sometimes. But it was enjoyable to say the least. I was happier this year. I was heartbroken too. I guess the two balance each other out. I don't know really know right now. All I know is that this summer was a little better than last year. I still had the same amount of fun just with much more heat in the air. I grew a little. Not by much but enough to accept and notice change. Trying to accept change still.
And now that summer is over. Part of me is dreading the fall. I have so much to learn and I guess to look forward to?
We shall see.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
How I feelz, awman. LDW Weekend preppin'
Meow meow meow. Sad cat. Kind of. Coasting to Longport for a long, holiday weekend away from the hustle bustle fustle grump truck of New Yawk. Listening to dis schtuff...
Chained (Panic City Remix) - The xx
Did I hold too tight? Did I let enough light in?
There Might Be Coffee (MILLERTIME Edit)
OMG.
Voltage - Skrillex
Yurp. It ain't sad without a little dub sauce from the Skrill.
And what I need to remember...shake ya booty even when you don't wanna :)
Turn Up the Radio - Madonna vs Laidback Luke feat. Far East Movement) [Radio Edit]
Sorry, no video for dis one. You should still listen to it.
I Love It - Icona Pop
This song reminds me of last summer. DEFINITELY do not wanna relive that bullshit.
No Beef - Afrojack & Steve Aoki
Loves and loves and loves some more. Steve is my doppleganger. Don't know why it took me so long to realize this.
Everyone have a happy, healthy, and SAFE Labor Day Weekend. Dance and relax and hang and sun and smile. Never forget to smile.
:)
Chained (Panic City Remix) - The xx
Did I hold too tight? Did I let enough light in?
There Might Be Coffee (MILLERTIME Edit)
OMG.
Voltage - Skrillex
Yurp. It ain't sad without a little dub sauce from the Skrill.
And what I need to remember...shake ya booty even when you don't wanna :)
Turn Up the Radio - Madonna vs Laidback Luke feat. Far East Movement) [Radio Edit]
Sorry, no video for dis one. You should still listen to it.
I Love It - Icona Pop
This song reminds me of last summer. DEFINITELY do not wanna relive that bullshit.
No Beef - Afrojack & Steve Aoki
Loves and loves and loves some more. Steve is my doppleganger. Don't know why it took me so long to realize this.
Everyone have a happy, healthy, and SAFE Labor Day Weekend. Dance and relax and hang and sun and smile. Never forget to smile.
:)
Rebuilding the sidewalk.
Earlier this summer, there was construction being done outside of my apartment. It's still going on to this day. From what the foreman told me, considering I see the construction workers doing their thing when I leave for work (not only forcing me to say hi but also being cordial to strangers before 9am), he said they were "going to improve the water system", which would essentially benefit our building along with that part of town. I didn't really get what he saying because I'm not well versed in construction talk or whatever Eastern European accent he fashioned.
Still, he's nice and his eyes are kind and he asks me once a week how the sidewalk is looking. I give him a thumbs up and tell him, "you guys are doing a great job!" With all of this construction being done on the water system underneath the sidewalks, this forces them to rip open parts of the sidewalk and close other parts off, forcing passersby to walk on parts of the street along traffic. This is quite an inconvenience sometimes when I'm wearing too long (and also too big) of dress slacks and they brush on the dusty, ground. I sometimes have to wipe the soot off my pants when I get into my car.
Aside from the summer heat and humidity beating down on all of them, they really are a nice group of men. Or as nice as they'll ever be considering it is really hot outside. And they are doing a great job, aside from it taking pretty much all summer to fix. I didn't realize there was so much pipeage to deal with underground. In a way, it reminds me of how someone rebuilds their self to better function in society, in life, and in relationships...
And I guess I'm trying to do that.
According to my landlord, there's a power box underground that eventually people in our unit and the unit next door can access when the power goes out in their apartment unit. I'm not too sure this is going to work but essentially he said people will be able to go underground, into some sort of bomb shelter-like opening and flick a switch. This concept kind of reminds me how Keebler elves work when they make cookies and the power goes out. All in all, I wasn't really listening when he was talking to me, something I should probably work on. And what even confused me more was the connection between water and power so if someone could enlighten me one day then it would make this blog post less confusing.
In order for all of these pipes to be working, the construction workers have to break away pieces of the concrete, the exterior, and expose the pipes. There, in front of our apartment you can see the long, rusty, water pipe exposed in a deep opening in the ground. The pipe is vulnerable and everyone who walks on that side of the street can see what's inside. Like it's getting ready for surgery. Everything. Is. Exposed.
They break away huge chunks of the concrete too. Going around the curve to the parking lot in the back. A majority of the sidewalk is taped off so you can't walk on it. There's rubble, dirt, dust everywhere. You hear drills and jackhammers penetrating through the hard concrete, breaking away layer after layer of thick ground. Men are shoveling and scooping dirt and ground out to deepen the exposed pipeage. That noise when wheel loaders back up echoes in my head, and as it scoops dirt out of the ground to expose more pipe, you see more of a problem that has to be fixed. You can almost jump inside to take a closer look but I'm sure the foreman wouldn't want me doing that in my work clothes. And without a hard hat.
I guess in order to improve the productivity and longevity of an important energy source, a vital organ, you have to open it up to find the root of the problem and fix it so it'll work better in the future. And as you expose every layer of yourself, attempting to fix your own pipe, you're becoming more vulnerable to outside sources. But you kind of let that pain happen, knowing that after it's all over you'll get better. Your pipe will be in tip-top shape. Water, or energy, or whatever source is trying to be fixed will be able to flow again and life will go on as normal. Or as normal as you let it be.
Even after construction is complete, there's always room for error. Something could go horribly wrong and the pipe could encounter a blockage. Something could crack in the pipe, causing water or energy or whatever source is supposed to be flowing to cease. A complete shutdown. A curveball. An expected moment in time where you question whether all this work was done for nothing.
Like doctors, the construction workers have to go into the ground again and fix whatever error occurred. Not only is it like a rush to save a life but it's to lessen the inconvenience for all the tenants, myself included, who rely on this energy source in their apartments. Sometimes, it's an easy fix and other times it's not. And when you're trying to fix a pipe inside yourself, you don't really know how long it will take before you get better. You just know you have to get better in order to fully function to the best of your ability, and to maybe have better relationships, better health, better faith, whatever better you need.
The sidewalk is actually looking a lot better these days. They re-opened one of the traffic lanes that had been blocked off all summer. Since it was closed off, it was forcing all the traffic to merge into one complicated lane. The openings along the sidewalk are now covered with new concrete and sidewalk looks a lot cleaner. The gravel is paved and smoothed down for people to walk on. It kind of feels good walking on new ground, like it's kind of cushy on the bottom of your feet. A lot of the orange cones have been removed too. I now see them not in front of my apartment building but now across the street working on more pipeage there. Although it will take a while for everything in the area to finally be complete, I have no doubt that they will do a great job...and they may even encounter some bumps along the road over there too. But that shouldn't stop them from doin' work!
The pipes after being fixed can still encounter an unexpected problem. A repair to anything can still sporadically collapse. It just takes a little bit of tenderness, a dash of patience, a little faith that slowly but surely things will get better and the pipe, your pipe, whatever pipe that needed fixing, will be in tip-top shape.
Hang in there.
Still, he's nice and his eyes are kind and he asks me once a week how the sidewalk is looking. I give him a thumbs up and tell him, "you guys are doing a great job!" With all of this construction being done on the water system underneath the sidewalks, this forces them to rip open parts of the sidewalk and close other parts off, forcing passersby to walk on parts of the street along traffic. This is quite an inconvenience sometimes when I'm wearing too long (and also too big) of dress slacks and they brush on the dusty, ground. I sometimes have to wipe the soot off my pants when I get into my car.
Aside from the summer heat and humidity beating down on all of them, they really are a nice group of men. Or as nice as they'll ever be considering it is really hot outside. And they are doing a great job, aside from it taking pretty much all summer to fix. I didn't realize there was so much pipeage to deal with underground. In a way, it reminds me of how someone rebuilds their self to better function in society, in life, and in relationships...
And I guess I'm trying to do that.
According to my landlord, there's a power box underground that eventually people in our unit and the unit next door can access when the power goes out in their apartment unit. I'm not too sure this is going to work but essentially he said people will be able to go underground, into some sort of bomb shelter-like opening and flick a switch. This concept kind of reminds me how Keebler elves work when they make cookies and the power goes out. All in all, I wasn't really listening when he was talking to me, something I should probably work on. And what even confused me more was the connection between water and power so if someone could enlighten me one day then it would make this blog post less confusing.
In order for all of these pipes to be working, the construction workers have to break away pieces of the concrete, the exterior, and expose the pipes. There, in front of our apartment you can see the long, rusty, water pipe exposed in a deep opening in the ground. The pipe is vulnerable and everyone who walks on that side of the street can see what's inside. Like it's getting ready for surgery. Everything. Is. Exposed.
They break away huge chunks of the concrete too. Going around the curve to the parking lot in the back. A majority of the sidewalk is taped off so you can't walk on it. There's rubble, dirt, dust everywhere. You hear drills and jackhammers penetrating through the hard concrete, breaking away layer after layer of thick ground. Men are shoveling and scooping dirt and ground out to deepen the exposed pipeage. That noise when wheel loaders back up echoes in my head, and as it scoops dirt out of the ground to expose more pipe, you see more of a problem that has to be fixed. You can almost jump inside to take a closer look but I'm sure the foreman wouldn't want me doing that in my work clothes. And without a hard hat.
I guess in order to improve the productivity and longevity of an important energy source, a vital organ, you have to open it up to find the root of the problem and fix it so it'll work better in the future. And as you expose every layer of yourself, attempting to fix your own pipe, you're becoming more vulnerable to outside sources. But you kind of let that pain happen, knowing that after it's all over you'll get better. Your pipe will be in tip-top shape. Water, or energy, or whatever source is trying to be fixed will be able to flow again and life will go on as normal. Or as normal as you let it be.
Even after construction is complete, there's always room for error. Something could go horribly wrong and the pipe could encounter a blockage. Something could crack in the pipe, causing water or energy or whatever source is supposed to be flowing to cease. A complete shutdown. A curveball. An expected moment in time where you question whether all this work was done for nothing.
Like doctors, the construction workers have to go into the ground again and fix whatever error occurred. Not only is it like a rush to save a life but it's to lessen the inconvenience for all the tenants, myself included, who rely on this energy source in their apartments. Sometimes, it's an easy fix and other times it's not. And when you're trying to fix a pipe inside yourself, you don't really know how long it will take before you get better. You just know you have to get better in order to fully function to the best of your ability, and to maybe have better relationships, better health, better faith, whatever better you need.
The sidewalk is actually looking a lot better these days. They re-opened one of the traffic lanes that had been blocked off all summer. Since it was closed off, it was forcing all the traffic to merge into one complicated lane. The openings along the sidewalk are now covered with new concrete and sidewalk looks a lot cleaner. The gravel is paved and smoothed down for people to walk on. It kind of feels good walking on new ground, like it's kind of cushy on the bottom of your feet. A lot of the orange cones have been removed too. I now see them not in front of my apartment building but now across the street working on more pipeage there. Although it will take a while for everything in the area to finally be complete, I have no doubt that they will do a great job...and they may even encounter some bumps along the road over there too. But that shouldn't stop them from doin' work!
The pipes after being fixed can still encounter an unexpected problem. A repair to anything can still sporadically collapse. It just takes a little bit of tenderness, a dash of patience, a little faith that slowly but surely things will get better and the pipe, your pipe, whatever pipe that needed fixing, will be in tip-top shape.
Hang in there.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Things to do in my twenties
I guess you can say this is inspired by Thought Catalog, considering a lot of their articles are lists and a lot more are directed at twenty-somethings. But this list is for my personal benefit...or setback. I don't know we'll see...
In no order in particular...
1. Take advantage of more free events (i.e. music or film events, food festivals, beer and wine, physical activities in the park, classes, etc.)
2. Tell people to "take care of yourself." This one I got from Ryan O'Connell (naturally).
3. Travel to other U.S. cities on long weekends.
4. Read more.
5. Get more sleep.
6. Drink Crystal Light - it doesn't make your hair fall out. My Grandpa was joking.
7. Find a good protein powder and stick to it.
8. Eat more fruit (even better if I could pick my own in a farm or something).
9. Take my vitamins REGULARLY.
10. Be conscious of sugar...sometimes.
11. Order a stiff drink here and there.
12. Cook more, eat out less.
13. Actually, do/make/try the things I pinned on Pinterest.
14. Watch a tv series regularly with your roommates (it brings everyone together after a long day)
15. Drop arguments when they're pointless.
16. Smile during conversation more, especially with new faces.
17. Sit in the grass.
18. Buy locally grown produce at farmers markets.
19. Love animals like new friends (I'm talking big hugs and deep conversation kinda love).
20. Be mindful of my tone when in conversation - my tone is usually misread for bitchiness...sometimes I don't mean it that way. Sometimes.
21.Go for a run outside without headphones and take in the natural noise around me.
22. Don't be afraid to get a little spiritual.
23. Cry if it makes me feel a little better then get back to work.
24. Be honest, be patient, be calm.
25. Love myself like I love my favorite people.
In no order in particular...
1. Take advantage of more free events (i.e. music or film events, food festivals, beer and wine, physical activities in the park, classes, etc.)
2. Tell people to "take care of yourself." This one I got from Ryan O'Connell (naturally).
3. Travel to other U.S. cities on long weekends.
4. Read more.
5. Get more sleep.
6. Drink Crystal Light - it doesn't make your hair fall out. My Grandpa was joking.
7. Find a good protein powder and stick to it.
8. Eat more fruit (even better if I could pick my own in a farm or something).
9. Take my vitamins REGULARLY.
10. Be conscious of sugar...sometimes.
11. Order a stiff drink here and there.
12. Cook more, eat out less.
13. Actually, do/make/try the things I pinned on Pinterest.
14. Watch a tv series regularly with your roommates (it brings everyone together after a long day)
15. Drop arguments when they're pointless.
16. Smile during conversation more, especially with new faces.
17. Sit in the grass.
18. Buy locally grown produce at farmers markets.
19. Love animals like new friends (I'm talking big hugs and deep conversation kinda love).
20. Be mindful of my tone when in conversation - my tone is usually misread for bitchiness...sometimes I don't mean it that way. Sometimes.
21.Go for a run outside without headphones and take in the natural noise around me.
22. Don't be afraid to get a little spiritual.
23. Cry if it makes me feel a little better then get back to work.
24. Be honest, be patient, be calm.
25. Love myself like I love my favorite people.
Friday, August 10, 2012
Things I'd Do For You If I Loved You
Now to clear things up, this is an unofficial list of different things I'd do for you if I loved you enough to do them. Primarily for someone I loved and dated simultaneously but I mean, I'd do this for a few good friends too!
1. Skip lunch to pick up your dry cleaning.
2. Drive to Kinko's if you needed an important document sent and you were without the capable technology to do so.
3. Wear a cheesy, Christmas sweater with you to your family's holiday gathering. Besides, Christmas sweaters are sexy.
4. Shell out hundreds of dollars on the most expensive cheese burger just so you would stop crying about being hungry and craving a burger but didn't want to go to McDonald's, Burger King, or Zip's.
5. Cook/make you a meal that is not particularly my favorite (i.e. hard boiled eggs - I would peel them for you too...with a grimace on my face. But still, that's love).
6. Wax your butthole.
7. Take the last train into the city if you really wanted me to.
8. Try not to roll my eyes when you want to watch something stupid on TV.
9. I would "serenade" you with my unqualifiable-for-American-Idol voice. I truly believe I'm tone-deaf.
10. Stay with you in the bathroom if you were sick from food poisoning/drinking/stomach virus/etc.
11. Go with you to the doctor's office even if it was something minor like a papercut or scraped knee.
12. Dress your wound even if it was something minor like a papercut or scraped knee.
13. Baby you when you wanted to babied. Even though I'm not naturally like that.
14. Cradle you like a silly child.
15. Let you fall asleep first if you were afraid of the dark.
16. Let your parents stay with us if for some reason their home died due to a natural disaster or they wanted to save some dollas on hotels and shiz.
17. Let you have the last bite of whatever we were eating.
18. Share one of those stupid milkshakes with you like we were at some 50s-themed diner and sip out of two straws looking into each others eyes. Ugh.
19. Give you a lapdance*
*This, however, will take a lot of practice and confidence in my abilities before I conjure up the courage to do this sexy deed. Meow.
20. Say "sorry" even if I don't have to.
21. Let you sleep in the bed if we got into a huge fight and didn't want to be around each other, forcing me to sleep on the couch.
22. Remind you every day that I love you even when I'm being a huge, crabby bitch and not in the mood.
1. Skip lunch to pick up your dry cleaning.
2. Drive to Kinko's if you needed an important document sent and you were without the capable technology to do so.
3. Wear a cheesy, Christmas sweater with you to your family's holiday gathering. Besides, Christmas sweaters are sexy.
4. Shell out hundreds of dollars on the most expensive cheese burger just so you would stop crying about being hungry and craving a burger but didn't want to go to McDonald's, Burger King, or Zip's.
5. Cook/make you a meal that is not particularly my favorite (i.e. hard boiled eggs - I would peel them for you too...with a grimace on my face. But still, that's love).
6. Wax your butthole.
7. Take the last train into the city if you really wanted me to.
8. Try not to roll my eyes when you want to watch something stupid on TV.
9. I would "serenade" you with my unqualifiable-for-American-Idol voice. I truly believe I'm tone-deaf.
10. Stay with you in the bathroom if you were sick from food poisoning/drinking/stomach virus/etc.
11. Go with you to the doctor's office even if it was something minor like a papercut or scraped knee.
12. Dress your wound even if it was something minor like a papercut or scraped knee.
13. Baby you when you wanted to babied. Even though I'm not naturally like that.
14. Cradle you like a silly child.
15. Let you fall asleep first if you were afraid of the dark.
16. Let your parents stay with us if for some reason their home died due to a natural disaster or they wanted to save some dollas on hotels and shiz.
17. Let you have the last bite of whatever we were eating.
18. Share one of those stupid milkshakes with you like we were at some 50s-themed diner and sip out of two straws looking into each others eyes. Ugh.
19. Give you a lapdance*
*This, however, will take a lot of practice and confidence in my abilities before I conjure up the courage to do this sexy deed. Meow.
20. Say "sorry" even if I don't have to.
21. Let you sleep in the bed if we got into a huge fight and didn't want to be around each other, forcing me to sleep on the couch.
22. Remind you every day that I love you even when I'm being a huge, crabby bitch and not in the mood.
Friday, July 27, 2012
40 Things You Should Know Before Dating Me
Naturally, I was reading Thought Catalog earlier and came across Jason Cook's post.
And since I haven't posted in over a month (I'm sorry but when I'm in really good moods/someone is paying close attention to me in a romantic sense/embracing my twenty-something social life/shoving heaps of avocado in my face/working out like a post-graduate athlete with a slow metabolism/etc I tend not to blog).
AND SO...Here's my own list of things one must know about before dating me. Please don't change your mind about me after reading these. I can be the girl of your dreams and with the right amount of sweet talk I will sit through your favorite show on whatever God-awful channel you're prone to be obsessed with. I will try not to roll my eyes. Just don't make me cheer for the Yankees if that's your favorite team. Kthanks...
In no particular order...
1. When I eat food, I go to town. Like legit, stuff my face with a certain degree of grace but after a while I'll start telling you about my day mid-chew.
2. I'm a die hard Phillies fan and no matter how much they may "suck", whatever trash talk you decide to say about them you're that much further from some sexy time.
3. I crack my knuckles like Arnie Grape. If you haven't seen the movie, then you're in for a rude and awkward awakening. Granted, I don't make that face Leonardo DiCaprio wore when he played Arnie.
4. I tend to get passive sometimes. It's a defense mechanism, I'll admit that. And I get even more passive if you can't pick up on my passiveness.
5. I get cranky when I'm hungry but won't admit it because I'm afraid to look like a fatass.
6. I get cranky when I'm horny and I can't do anything about it. I won't admit that either unless I'm on a VERY comfortable level with whomever I'm talking to.
7. I don't tend to watch animated films or television shows. They're not my cup of tea but I will watch them if you really wanted me to.
8. I put on a forced happy face when I feel uncomfortable but don't want to seem stand-offish.
9. I drink in the shower. Not all the time but it's nice once in a while to get tipsy off of hot steam and alcohol.
10. I dance like a maniac at EDM concerts. I debate whether or not I should take someone I'm dating with me unless they dance crazy and listen to EDM too.
11. I curse a lot. I try not to but shit happens.
12. My tone can be abrasive but it just means I'm passionate about whatever I'm talking about.
13. I turn into a nerd when I talk about things I love or am really interested in. Like food and music and film.
14. My brain is home to a lot of weird facts that not many people know about. My best friend calls me the human almanac.
15. I LOVE independent films. No one is really on my level in that department. So I enjoy watching them alone.
16. If I'm watching TV in the living room and eating dinner at the same time, I place my plate on a pillow in my lap and eat with my legs crossed Indian-style. Again, this I do when I'm alone.
17. I like day-drinking. Don't judge me.
18. If the sun is out, so am I. If it's raining out, that means one thing: You, me, bed, movies. All. Day.
19. I go to church on Sundays and always wanted someone to come with me. And yes, I'm Catholic. And yes, I believe in God. And I love Jesus. And although I may not always be morally consistent, I have a good sense of right and wrong and that feeling of guilt when I don't go to church.
20. I would want to cook for you if we dated. It may not be good but I'd like to cook for someone other than myself and pretend I'm Giada De Laurentiis. That means, move over frozen veggies, make room for Mr. Tuna Steak!
21. I would want to bring you with me if we were going out to meet some of my friends. It's like saying, "Hey bitches, look what I have!"
22. If I'm out drunk with friends, I expect you to pay attention to me when I text you.
23. If I'm drunk out with you, I will pretend to be sober.
24. I talk with my hands. So stay out of the radius of my arms and sometimes, my fingers.
25. I'm very funny and I'm probably funnier and wittier than you. It's just the way it is. Please accept this for I will give you so many kisses.
26. I'm rough around the edges but I melt when you're being cute to me.
27. I'm secretly romantic despite my sarcastic and cynical exterior.
28. I will spoil you if my bank account allows it.
29. I can be that jealous girlfriend-type sometimes. Then again, who the fuck isn't?!
30. I'm touchy-feely. Come here, you! Let's graze elbows and schtuff :)
31. I sometimes have no shame...even in public. You can interpret that anyway you'd like.
32. I don't mind PDA if it's done tastefully. Again, you can interpret that anyway you'd like.
33. Depending on what it is, I usually don't mind trying new things.
34. I'm vulgar. Sorry I'm not sorry. And if you're not, then for Christ's sake, give me a drink and something interesting to talk about.
35. Roadtrips. I'm sorry, but you must like these.
36. I will most likely write about you.
37. I work out at least five times a week. And that probably won't change even when we start dating. I'm sorry but I would like to look decent for you. No matter how great you may think I look, I do this for me. And don't think I'm making my workout more of a priority than you, that's not true. I find my balance.
38. When you're sick or upset, I will try to make you feel better. But the minute you get snippy with me, then no, no, no, candy grams and kisses fo' youuu, Glen Coco!
39. I quote Bridesmaids and Heavyweights a lot. You must see these movies before we start dating. It's mandatory.
40. I'm quite jovial and social sometimes when I meet new people. Don't interpret this as my throwing my cat at everyone. I'm not flirting. Not one bit. So don't give me the cold shoulder because I have tunnel vision and the only person in the room is you.
And since I haven't posted in over a month (I'm sorry but when I'm in really good moods/someone is paying close attention to me in a romantic sense/embracing my twenty-something social life/shoving heaps of avocado in my face/working out like a post-graduate athlete with a slow metabolism/etc I tend not to blog).
AND SO...Here's my own list of things one must know about before dating me. Please don't change your mind about me after reading these. I can be the girl of your dreams and with the right amount of sweet talk I will sit through your favorite show on whatever God-awful channel you're prone to be obsessed with. I will try not to roll my eyes. Just don't make me cheer for the Yankees if that's your favorite team. Kthanks...
In no particular order...
1. When I eat food, I go to town. Like legit, stuff my face with a certain degree of grace but after a while I'll start telling you about my day mid-chew.
2. I'm a die hard Phillies fan and no matter how much they may "suck", whatever trash talk you decide to say about them you're that much further from some sexy time.
3. I crack my knuckles like Arnie Grape. If you haven't seen the movie, then you're in for a rude and awkward awakening. Granted, I don't make that face Leonardo DiCaprio wore when he played Arnie.
4. I tend to get passive sometimes. It's a defense mechanism, I'll admit that. And I get even more passive if you can't pick up on my passiveness.
5. I get cranky when I'm hungry but won't admit it because I'm afraid to look like a fatass.
6. I get cranky when I'm horny and I can't do anything about it. I won't admit that either unless I'm on a VERY comfortable level with whomever I'm talking to.
7. I don't tend to watch animated films or television shows. They're not my cup of tea but I will watch them if you really wanted me to.
8. I put on a forced happy face when I feel uncomfortable but don't want to seem stand-offish.
9. I drink in the shower. Not all the time but it's nice once in a while to get tipsy off of hot steam and alcohol.
10. I dance like a maniac at EDM concerts. I debate whether or not I should take someone I'm dating with me unless they dance crazy and listen to EDM too.
11. I curse a lot. I try not to but shit happens.
12. My tone can be abrasive but it just means I'm passionate about whatever I'm talking about.
13. I turn into a nerd when I talk about things I love or am really interested in. Like food and music and film.
14. My brain is home to a lot of weird facts that not many people know about. My best friend calls me the human almanac.
15. I LOVE independent films. No one is really on my level in that department. So I enjoy watching them alone.
16. If I'm watching TV in the living room and eating dinner at the same time, I place my plate on a pillow in my lap and eat with my legs crossed Indian-style. Again, this I do when I'm alone.
17. I like day-drinking. Don't judge me.
18. If the sun is out, so am I. If it's raining out, that means one thing: You, me, bed, movies. All. Day.
19. I go to church on Sundays and always wanted someone to come with me. And yes, I'm Catholic. And yes, I believe in God. And I love Jesus. And although I may not always be morally consistent, I have a good sense of right and wrong and that feeling of guilt when I don't go to church.
20. I would want to cook for you if we dated. It may not be good but I'd like to cook for someone other than myself and pretend I'm Giada De Laurentiis. That means, move over frozen veggies, make room for Mr. Tuna Steak!
21. I would want to bring you with me if we were going out to meet some of my friends. It's like saying, "Hey bitches, look what I have!"
22. If I'm out drunk with friends, I expect you to pay attention to me when I text you.
23. If I'm drunk out with you, I will pretend to be sober.
24. I talk with my hands. So stay out of the radius of my arms and sometimes, my fingers.
25. I'm very funny and I'm probably funnier and wittier than you. It's just the way it is. Please accept this for I will give you so many kisses.
26. I'm rough around the edges but I melt when you're being cute to me.
27. I'm secretly romantic despite my sarcastic and cynical exterior.
28. I will spoil you if my bank account allows it.
29. I can be that jealous girlfriend-type sometimes. Then again, who the fuck isn't?!
30. I'm touchy-feely. Come here, you! Let's graze elbows and schtuff :)
31. I sometimes have no shame...even in public. You can interpret that anyway you'd like.
32. I don't mind PDA if it's done tastefully. Again, you can interpret that anyway you'd like.
33. Depending on what it is, I usually don't mind trying new things.
34. I'm vulgar. Sorry I'm not sorry. And if you're not, then for Christ's sake, give me a drink and something interesting to talk about.
35. Roadtrips. I'm sorry, but you must like these.
36. I will most likely write about you.
37. I work out at least five times a week. And that probably won't change even when we start dating. I'm sorry but I would like to look decent for you. No matter how great you may think I look, I do this for me. And don't think I'm making my workout more of a priority than you, that's not true. I find my balance.
38. When you're sick or upset, I will try to make you feel better. But the minute you get snippy with me, then no, no, no, candy grams and kisses fo' youuu, Glen Coco!
39. I quote Bridesmaids and Heavyweights a lot. You must see these movies before we start dating. It's mandatory.
40. I'm quite jovial and social sometimes when I meet new people. Don't interpret this as my throwing my cat at everyone. I'm not flirting. Not one bit. So don't give me the cold shoulder because I have tunnel vision and the only person in the room is you.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
20 Things Crabby Twentysomethings Can Do To Avoid Getting Hurt
1. Avoid cryptic people and their cryptic answers. If it sounds cryptic, don't listen. If it smells cryptic, don't eat it.
2. Keep your expectations low. Like under the ground low.
3. Be cynical. And don't be ashamed of it.
4. Don't base relationships on what you see online. Even if it does hurt your feelings.
5. De-activate said social footprints if they make you upset every time you reactivate them.
6. Don't make an effort toward others if they don't make an effort toward you.
7. Be honest (even when you write). Staying passive will only make you even more upset.
8. Realize people aren't psychics, they can't read your mind...unless they were trained by Miss Cleo.
9. Have patience but if it's tested then throw in the towel. At least you tried.
10. Listen to music. Listen to the lyrics. Be cryptic and make them your Facebook statuses.
11. Use phrases like "not yet," "who knows," "not so sure," when talking about your like/love life.
12. Listen to "Matt Nathanson" Radio on Pandora.
13. If you're simply someone's option and not one of their priorities, put them on the bottom of your list or close to the bottom. Try not to feel bad about it. Enjoy some fruit-at-the-bottom yogurt.
14. Take promises with a grain of salt. And pepper if you like that too.
15. Don't cry in public. Or in my case, cry after trying so hard to hold it together. #oops
16. Emotionally shut down.
17. Exercise...a lot.
18. Silence your phone. In fact, put it away. Your loved ones can e-mail or phone your office extension.
19. Drink more water (this is my mom's answer for everything).
And the most obvious....
20. Write when you're pissed.
2. Keep your expectations low. Like under the ground low.
3. Be cynical. And don't be ashamed of it.
4. Don't base relationships on what you see online. Even if it does hurt your feelings.
5. De-activate said social footprints if they make you upset every time you reactivate them.
6. Don't make an effort toward others if they don't make an effort toward you.
7. Be honest (even when you write). Staying passive will only make you even more upset.
8. Realize people aren't psychics, they can't read your mind...unless they were trained by Miss Cleo.
9. Have patience but if it's tested then throw in the towel. At least you tried.
10. Listen to music. Listen to the lyrics. Be cryptic and make them your Facebook statuses.
11. Use phrases like "not yet," "who knows," "not so sure," when talking about your like/love life.
12. Listen to "Matt Nathanson" Radio on Pandora.
13. If you're simply someone's option and not one of their priorities, put them on the bottom of your list or close to the bottom. Try not to feel bad about it. Enjoy some fruit-at-the-bottom yogurt.
14. Take promises with a grain of salt. And pepper if you like that too.
15. Don't cry in public. Or in my case, cry after trying so hard to hold it together. #oops
16. Emotionally shut down.
17. Exercise...a lot.
18. Silence your phone. In fact, put it away. Your loved ones can e-mail or phone your office extension.
19. Drink more water (this is my mom's answer for everything).
And the most obvious....
20. Write when you're pissed.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Time to Dance by The Shoes
And I thought TLC's "Unpretty" was a scary music video - the implant falling out of that woman's chest? Does anyone remember that? Yeah. #scarred. I think they took that scene out after the music video premiered.
But Jake Gyllenhaal has taken scary to a whole new level. This music video from French electro-pop group The Shoes shows Gyllenhaal going bonkers like Christian Bale circa American Psycho. Not only is it scary but it's lengthy, almost nine minutes long but you can't help but watch Jake. Not only is he so dreamy and scruffy and mmm mmm mmm but he's fucking nuts.
If you're a pussy, then click the X at the top right-hand corner of your screen...
Time to Dance - The Shoes
I still love you, Jake especially since you're in Vampire Weekend's "Giving Up the Gun" music video, which #BTW is also my ring tone on my schell phaone. This is the funniest ish ever...
Giving Up the Gun - Vampire Weekend
But Jake Gyllenhaal has taken scary to a whole new level. This music video from French electro-pop group The Shoes shows Gyllenhaal going bonkers like Christian Bale circa American Psycho. Not only is it scary but it's lengthy, almost nine minutes long but you can't help but watch Jake. Not only is he so dreamy and scruffy and mmm mmm mmm but he's fucking nuts.
If you're a pussy, then click the X at the top right-hand corner of your screen...
Time to Dance - The Shoes
I still love you, Jake especially since you're in Vampire Weekend's "Giving Up the Gun" music video, which #BTW is also my ring tone on my schell phaone. This is the funniest ish ever...
Giving Up the Gun - Vampire Weekend
Friday, June 8, 2012
An Ode to Friends
Today is National Best Friends Day. So I thought I'd take some time out of my "really busy schedule" on this overcast casual Friday to bid some heartfelt gratitude and love to some of my favorite beebles. Yes, beebles. It beats being called a cunt scab let's just say that.
For the record, my friend group consists of both males and females, with the latter being more prominent on my Beeble VIP list. While on the topic of gender, my male companions as I would like to call them (don't worry, strictly platonic), have been there to listen to me bitch about nonsense just like my female bitties do. I like to get a male perspective on life things, love things, and alcohol things. For example, I wouldn't necessarily say I'd share the love of whiskey, or is it Scotch(?), with my friend Andrew but we can still have a lengthy discussion about tobacco commercials and our mutual distaste for a company we both applied to. Same goes for my friend Jordan, who I can have really vulgar conversations with knowing he won't try to stick his finger in my Venus Fly-Trap. Like I said, we can be vulgar and not fear for the worst. He's also a great person to watch Nip/Fuck with (along with KYLE!) and to eat foodz with.
My female titty committee has my back as well. For example, I can rely on Kayla being there to hate people I used to date even after I've said some irrational things to her in a heated text feud, or "bully" her on social media sites. She's like a sister to me so I'd say it's normal to fight for five seconds then bury the hatchet with cheese, wine, chocolate, or vodka. What can I say, she wants the best for me as I do her. Whoa, not like "I do my best friend" but like "I want the best for her as well." I'm gonna stop talking.
My friends are not only shoulders to cry on, emitting at times a tough-love approach, but they are also comic reliefs. Like that one time I was in the Hamptons and dropped my friend (twice) on concrete. I was laughing so hard, I had to pee so I proceeded to pee next to her. She was okay with it. And when Gianna gives me relationship, health, and life advice, we proceed to pee ourselves, choke on our own spit, and ROFL on the dirty kitchen floor at stupid things and people.
I'm also not afraid to laugh at my ridiculous behavior with my friends - like that one time I got my period on the futon junior year sitting next to Frump, and Bubba texted me from across the room saying it's all okay. I actually don't think I admitted that story until right now. Oh well. Now it's funny to laugh at I guess.
My friends laugh at me because well, I make them laugh whether it be from ranting about something that pisses me off (6 times out of 10 I'm pissed off at something or someone), I sing really badly, I randomly get tourrettes and say awkward out-of-nowhere comments ("Nigga made a pizza!" or when I run with a hot sauce pan, "Hot plate! HOT PLATE!"), I trip over myself or bump into a wall, I tell stories about said ridiculous behavior with my well-known sarcastic touch and "Really?Really." face, my impersonations of our former rowing coach, celebrities, and other friends we make fun of, etc. Hey, if you can't make fun of each other and laugh about it afterwards, then go live in a hole with bears and be boring and shit.
I love my friends. I do. They are close to being my everything. If I had to choose between a beautiful bowl of avocados or my friends to save from a burning building, I would choose my friends. Granted, they would be heavy fucks to carry but I'd like to think of myself as rather innovative in times of stress. And being an only child, I rely on them to be personal safety nets and humanly figures to console me when someone hurts my feelings. Like this...
So here's to friends. My friends. I love you all and I have no idea what I'd do if it weren't for any of you there to pick me up when I'm down on my luck or drunk off my feet. For all the times I've cried about being single or dating douchebags and not knowing what to do, and those times you dragged my crabby ass out on the town for laughs, fun, and drinks. For those times where we can be lazy together and do absolutely nothing all day and be okay with it. For those times we say we're going to get healthy and end up drinking bottles of wine and eating homemade pizza. For the times when you hear me say things like, "Ouch, my vagina!" or "I'd fuck to that!" For those times where I can pee with the door open and none of you will think anything weird about it, I thank you. Even if we don't see each other often, I love how we can start right where we left off. I will continue to share the fondest of fondest memories and ridiculous behavior with my friends. Most of it will probably be published here with their permission (maybe). They wouldn't sue. They love me. Right?!
AND FOR THE RECORD: If you are not seen in any of the pictures above, do not get offended or take anything personally. I know some of you will (ehem, Danielle).
For the record, my friend group consists of both males and females, with the latter being more prominent on my Beeble VIP list. While on the topic of gender, my male companions as I would like to call them (don't worry, strictly platonic), have been there to listen to me bitch about nonsense just like my female bitties do. I like to get a male perspective on life things, love things, and alcohol things. For example, I wouldn't necessarily say I'd share the love of whiskey, or is it Scotch(?), with my friend Andrew but we can still have a lengthy discussion about tobacco commercials and our mutual distaste for a company we both applied to. Same goes for my friend Jordan, who I can have really vulgar conversations with knowing he won't try to stick his finger in my Venus Fly-Trap. Like I said, we can be vulgar and not fear for the worst. He's also a great person to watch Nip/Fuck with (along with KYLE!) and to eat foodz with.
My female titty committee has my back as well. For example, I can rely on Kayla being there to hate people I used to date even after I've said some irrational things to her in a heated text feud, or "bully" her on social media sites. She's like a sister to me so I'd say it's normal to fight for five seconds then bury the hatchet with cheese, wine, chocolate, or vodka. What can I say, she wants the best for me as I do her. Whoa, not like "I do my best friend" but like "I want the best for her as well." I'm gonna stop talking.
 |
| <3 |
 |
| DMB/Iona/Pdale biddies :) |
My friends laugh at me because well, I make them laugh whether it be from ranting about something that pisses me off (6 times out of 10 I'm pissed off at something or someone), I sing really badly, I randomly get tourrettes and say awkward out-of-nowhere comments ("Nigga made a pizza!" or when I run with a hot sauce pan, "Hot plate! HOT PLATE!"), I trip over myself or bump into a wall, I tell stories about said ridiculous behavior with my well-known sarcastic touch and "Really?Really." face, my impersonations of our former rowing coach, celebrities, and other friends we make fun of, etc. Hey, if you can't make fun of each other and laugh about it afterwards, then go live in a hole with bears and be boring and shit.
 |
| UNDA Spring 2010 - Until we meet again <3 |
So here's to friends. My friends. I love you all and I have no idea what I'd do if it weren't for any of you there to pick me up when I'm down on my luck or drunk off my feet. For all the times I've cried about being single or dating douchebags and not knowing what to do, and those times you dragged my crabby ass out on the town for laughs, fun, and drinks. For those times where we can be lazy together and do absolutely nothing all day and be okay with it. For those times we say we're going to get healthy and end up drinking bottles of wine and eating homemade pizza. For the times when you hear me say things like, "Ouch, my vagina!" or "I'd fuck to that!" For those times where I can pee with the door open and none of you will think anything weird about it, I thank you. Even if we don't see each other often, I love how we can start right where we left off. I will continue to share the fondest of fondest memories and ridiculous behavior with my friends. Most of it will probably be published here with their permission (maybe). They wouldn't sue. They love me. Right?!
AND FOR THE RECORD: If you are not seen in any of the pictures above, do not get offended or take anything personally. I know some of you will (ehem, Danielle).
Friday, June 1, 2012
Tres palabras
If only I could flat out say it. If I didn't freak myself out before even thinking about saying it.
To me, there's a difference. There's a time and a place that just makes it feel right; makes it feel better. When you say it, you have to mean it. No routine, no doing anyone favors, just mean it. You can't half-ass the words because then it won't make sense, it won't be true. You're better off not saying anything if you don't mean it at all. It hurts when it's not true.
You can say it to some people like good friends and family. When you say it to them, you mean it platonically, honestly but lovingly nonetheless. It comes out without hesitation - you're used to it.
But when you say it to someone you truly care about, someone you can see yourself sharing laughs, kisses, tears, hardships and romance with, it takes time and a little courage to say it.
Sometimes you can't even write it, can't type it, can't rehearse it either. You make short-handed versions of the term as a way of lessening the strike and impact. You certainly don't want to scare away the pigeons or be too forward.
To some people it's not a big deal but to others it means everything. To the one's it matters to, it's like a revelation of some sort. It can be realized when you wake up in the morning or on your commute to work. It can be realized when you see an advertisement on the subway or if you hear something familiar, see something familiar, smell something familiar.
To the people it matters to, it can't be rushed. We want to hear it but we can't force it either. It may be difficult to talk about; more awkward if anything. You don't really know how to bring it up. You can't smoothly transition to a different topic after the mentioning of it.
You know what I'm talking about...those three words...
To me, there's a difference. There's a time and a place that just makes it feel right; makes it feel better. When you say it, you have to mean it. No routine, no doing anyone favors, just mean it. You can't half-ass the words because then it won't make sense, it won't be true. You're better off not saying anything if you don't mean it at all. It hurts when it's not true.
You can say it to some people like good friends and family. When you say it to them, you mean it platonically, honestly but lovingly nonetheless. It comes out without hesitation - you're used to it.
But when you say it to someone you truly care about, someone you can see yourself sharing laughs, kisses, tears, hardships and romance with, it takes time and a little courage to say it.
Sometimes you can't even write it, can't type it, can't rehearse it either. You make short-handed versions of the term as a way of lessening the strike and impact. You certainly don't want to scare away the pigeons or be too forward.
To some people it's not a big deal but to others it means everything. To the one's it matters to, it's like a revelation of some sort. It can be realized when you wake up in the morning or on your commute to work. It can be realized when you see an advertisement on the subway or if you hear something familiar, see something familiar, smell something familiar.
To the people it matters to, it can't be rushed. We want to hear it but we can't force it either. It may be difficult to talk about; more awkward if anything. You don't really know how to bring it up. You can't smoothly transition to a different topic after the mentioning of it.
You know what I'm talking about...those three words...
I shit myself.
Okay, okay, okay. Obviously, I ruined this post. Or did I? I obviously am still trying to find a way of expressing my...emotions. So this is a start, right? I know it but I still can't say it. So I joke about it, "to lessen the strike and impact." Have a lovely weekend, everyone. Happy June 1st :)
<143
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Listen to this cover right meow!
I LOVE LOVE LOVE this cover by Scala. They did the creepy cover of Radiohead's Creep with the Kolacny Brothers for The Social Network.
Teenage Dirtbag - Scala
I heard this cover in the beginning of the 2012 documentary Bully, which covered the topic of bullying (surprise!). Despite being disappointed and pretty much saddened by the stories I saw, when this song came on I got goosepimples (or bumps if you wanna be lame and call them goosebumps) the cover was so good!
But yeah, I'm pretty sure some people think I'm a dirtbag. I really couldn't blame them. I told someone that as I've gotten older I've become less and less tolerable of bullshit. I used to do that whole, "Hey you! Yeah, come over here and walk all over me. No really, it's quite alright. Just let me know when you're done, k?!" but then I realized that's not really a kosher way of getting through life. Nor does it mean someone will listen to Iron Maiden with me either. Oh well, I'll take my boobs elsewhere. But here! Listen to this cover!
Sincerely,
Cuz I'm just a teenage dirtbag, (baby)
Teenage Dirtbag - Scala
I heard this cover in the beginning of the 2012 documentary Bully, which covered the topic of bullying (surprise!). Despite being disappointed and pretty much saddened by the stories I saw, when this song came on I got goosepimples (or bumps if you wanna be lame and call them goosebumps) the cover was so good!
But yeah, I'm pretty sure some people think I'm a dirtbag. I really couldn't blame them. I told someone that as I've gotten older I've become less and less tolerable of bullshit. I used to do that whole, "Hey you! Yeah, come over here and walk all over me. No really, it's quite alright. Just let me know when you're done, k?!" but then I realized that's not really a kosher way of getting through life. Nor does it mean someone will listen to Iron Maiden with me either. Oh well, I'll take my boobs elsewhere. But here! Listen to this cover!
Sincerely,
Cuz I'm just a teenage dirtbag, (baby)
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Brand Loyalty
I imagine that there are people out there that only buy Apple products; a person who strictly owns a Mac book, an iPod, an iPhone, works on one of those huuuuge Mac desktops, and probably owns a Steve Jobs biography. This same concept of brand loyalty can be related to any other brand on the market. It could be because the company makes great products, it could be due to the fact that many friends referred one to use a certain brand, or one may have easily grown up with the brand.
For instance, I always saw my mom using Dove brand bar soap, or as it's known, the Dove Beauty Bar. Dove was always in my house, let alone in my bathroom. And I noticed that even when body washes became popular on the market, my mom still bought Dove beauty bars. It could've been because they were usually on sale at Costco or it could've been because she was always pleased with the 1/4 moisturizer packed into every bar. Maybe I should call her and ask...
*Fifteen minutes later*
She said she bought it because she enjoyed how "creamy" the soap was and she liked the "smell." She told me how it used to be expensive in the Philippines because it was from America. And "usually Filipinos always like da nice tings," she added. Since she was satisfied with the soap, she continued to use it when she moved here in 1985*
*she was able to answer this question after this exchange - Her: "What? Huh?! Port of Entry? Uhhh San Francisco." Me: "NO, Mom! Whennnn. Like what year! Not where." Her: Oh! uhhh nineteen eighty-pibe...haha.
And I guess that's why I use Dove. It's in my bathroom in my apartment, it's still at my house when I come home for holidays and long weekends. And I'll most likely continue to use it when I have my own family. Don't get me wrong, I do use other soap products but I know I will always buy Dove beauty bars (even now that body washes exist) because not only am I satisfied with it but more importantly, it's a product that is sentimental to me. And also, I don't know many people who still use bar soap so I'd like to be original. I'm weird.
The point of this rant...
The term "brand loyalty" is not solely used for material products. I think of it in terms of relationships as well. One of my best friends and I had a conversation about brand loyalty a few weeks ago. Gianna told me about one her guy friends who said something along the lines of this:
"I could go out and fuck any girl if I could. That's how guys are. We can literally sleep with anyone if we wanted to. But you know what? I love [significant other's name]. And I would rather go home to her instead."
For instance, I always saw my mom using Dove brand bar soap, or as it's known, the Dove Beauty Bar. Dove was always in my house, let alone in my bathroom. And I noticed that even when body washes became popular on the market, my mom still bought Dove beauty bars. It could've been because they were usually on sale at Costco or it could've been because she was always pleased with the 1/4 moisturizer packed into every bar. Maybe I should call her and ask...
*Fifteen minutes later*
She said she bought it because she enjoyed how "creamy" the soap was and she liked the "smell." She told me how it used to be expensive in the Philippines because it was from America. And "usually Filipinos always like da nice tings," she added. Since she was satisfied with the soap, she continued to use it when she moved here in 1985*
*she was able to answer this question after this exchange - Her: "What? Huh?! Port of Entry? Uhhh San Francisco." Me: "NO, Mom! Whennnn. Like what year! Not where." Her: Oh! uhhh nineteen eighty-pibe...haha.
And I guess that's why I use Dove. It's in my bathroom in my apartment, it's still at my house when I come home for holidays and long weekends. And I'll most likely continue to use it when I have my own family. Don't get me wrong, I do use other soap products but I know I will always buy Dove beauty bars (even now that body washes exist) because not only am I satisfied with it but more importantly, it's a product that is sentimental to me. And also, I don't know many people who still use bar soap so I'd like to be original. I'm weird.
The point of this rant...
The term "brand loyalty" is not solely used for material products. I think of it in terms of relationships as well. One of my best friends and I had a conversation about brand loyalty a few weeks ago. Gianna told me about one her guy friends who said something along the lines of this:
"I could go out and fuck any girl if I could. That's how guys are. We can literally sleep with anyone if we wanted to. But you know what? I love [significant other's name]. And I would rather go home to her instead."
NOW IF EVERYONE COULD THINK LIKE THAT
Essentially, there are always going to be opportunities put in front of us. New ones, great ones, as well as shitty ones and regretful ones. We can be placed in situations where we'd have to decide between two things; between two people. Shit, if you threw your cat at everyone, you could even decide among fifteen opportunities! But STDs aren't hot in this day and age and no one likes getting sick in the sweet, sweet summahtime.
Let me use my own situation that Gi and I discussed...
I really like Michael. But I also really like Marc. Michael makes great accessories and clothing as does Marc. They are both really amazing designers that Amuurica should be proud to have bred. They also are both very expensive, so splurging on their products makes me cry internally about my credit card debt but life goes on and I continue to be happy with my purchase! (Raise your hand, if you thought I was talking about two boys in real life! Go on...fucking raise it. Hahahah got ya!).
BUUUUUT...
If placed in a situation where I saw a really nice Michael bag, one that would solve all of my personal-item-holding problems, but then I saw a really nice, Marc wallet, which one would I purchase? Probably the Marc wallet. Why? Who fucking knows! It could be a gut instinct type thing. When you know what you want, you don't really have to justify it. You just know you want that one and not the other one. Simple as that. Michael is great and maybe he would've been the better deal between the two. But there's something about Marc that hooks me in. Maybe the style, the aesthetic appeal, whatever it is, going with my gut instinct is essentially what brand loyalty comes down to. To me at least. You just know what choice would make you happier in the long run no matter the cost.
So in terms of relationships, no matter how many other opportunities there are - whether they are convenient, fulfilling, or satiating - they may not add up to the one you really want; the one that might be hard to find or hard to obtain. The things that matter require work. So if you really want that Marc wallet, you're gonna work damn hard to get it and when you eventually do, it'll all be worth it. Keep saving.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
How I'm currently feeling in 3 songs or less
I don't know if horoscopes are really true, but I still read them anyways.
Besides that random fact about myself, my current emotional state can be summed up in by three songs by the same band: Animal Collective.
I guess I've been listening to "Tomorrow Never Knows" A LOT ever since I heard it in that Mad Men episode. Actually, that whole album, Revolver, is sick. I had it on repeat a few weeks ago. Almost 8 hours straight of a less-than-45-minute album.
Anywho, yeah...Animal Collective. Thanks to my kind, red-headed friend Emma who introduced me to some of their stuff junior year, I've grown a fondness for all that trippy stuff. If you're all about that psychedelic, weird, hippie shit, then AC will do wonders for your brain and endorphins and make you feel like a magical gopher/sea otter/dolphin baby ready to face paint with little Indians in glittery forests and makes things out of paper mache.
But yeah, I was listening to them last weekend and I definitely thought these three songs described how I'm currently feeling*
*"Currently" meaning the past week or so.
The music videos are really weird (brace yourself if you're normal) but the songs ARE SO FRICKIN' GOOD!
My Girls
This song - there are no words. I'm in love with this song it kills me. Well, not kill me. But shit, I internally freak out when I listen to this.
Guys Eyes
There's something weirdly sexy about this song. Maybe it's the lyrics. I don't know. But oomf.
Summertime Clothes
And this one, well, just because I'm excited for the sweet, sweet summahtime and I can't wait to wear shorts, dresses, short dresses, close to nothing, that sort of thing :)
And one more thing - Their album cover for Merriweather Post Pavillion (2009) looks like it's MOVING...trippy :)
Besides that random fact about myself, my current emotional state can be summed up in by three songs by the same band: Animal Collective.
I guess I've been listening to "Tomorrow Never Knows" A LOT ever since I heard it in that Mad Men episode. Actually, that whole album, Revolver, is sick. I had it on repeat a few weeks ago. Almost 8 hours straight of a less-than-45-minute album.
Anywho, yeah...Animal Collective. Thanks to my kind, red-headed friend Emma who introduced me to some of their stuff junior year, I've grown a fondness for all that trippy stuff. If you're all about that psychedelic, weird, hippie shit, then AC will do wonders for your brain and endorphins and make you feel like a magical gopher/sea otter/dolphin baby ready to face paint with little Indians in glittery forests and makes things out of paper mache.
I don't know where that came from.
But yeah, I was listening to them last weekend and I definitely thought these three songs described how I'm currently feeling*
*"Currently" meaning the past week or so.
The music videos are really weird (brace yourself if you're normal) but the songs ARE SO FRICKIN' GOOD!
My Girls
This song - there are no words. I'm in love with this song it kills me. Well, not kill me. But shit, I internally freak out when I listen to this.
Guys Eyes
There's something weirdly sexy about this song. Maybe it's the lyrics. I don't know. But oomf.
Summertime Clothes
And this one, well, just because I'm excited for the sweet, sweet summahtime and I can't wait to wear shorts, dresses, short dresses, close to nothing, that sort of thing :)
And one more thing - Their album cover for Merriweather Post Pavillion (2009) looks like it's MOVING...trippy :)
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
(Non)sense & Sensibility
If you haven't read the blog Philolzophy, I suggest you read it now. Not only is it funny but the female duo behind the site write for Thought Catalog under the pseudonym Johanna de Silentio. They posted an article entitled, When Nothing Makes Sense on both pages. If you read it, you will see above the article a picture of Salvador Dali's The Persistence of Memory (1931). I remember when I took a Modern Art course in college, we studied Dali. His paintings rarely, if not never, made sense to me. I guess it was just a mix of all his own random thoughts he painted on his canvas and I was one person that never really understood it. But that's how his mind worked and I guess the only person who would make sense of that is Dali himself. I don't think Dali was confused when he painted that piece; I don't think he was confused about any of his paintings. All in all, he could've been comfortable with not making sense of any of them and just painted what came to mind. But who am I to speak for one of the world's most famous artists? I would certainly admire and study his paintings over a piece of string on display at the MoMa (I've seen that before with my own eyes at MoMa. I was like "Really? It's a piece of string on a wall tacked to the floor. The fuck?").
I guess what I took from the article is that life is never going to make sense. And sometimes we can grow comfortable to that. I remember when I'd be dating someone and my friends would ask how it was going, I would just laugh and say, "I really don't know." But that could was because the situation was just messed up. At the same time, with it being messed up, it was just a confusing mess and I didn't really know how to tackle with it let alone deal with it at the time. Maybe we're not supposed to make sense of situations at the present moment and should let them just marinate in this mix of confusion; have situations just kind of sit there (on the counter) and wait until it all makes sense.
Sometimes there's this weird comfortability with the unknown. It doesn't mean I want to live not knowing things for the rest of my life but I guess for the time being, the confusion isn't really killing me. I'm numb to it almost. There are days when I can understand things and the next day, the same thing will seem like a blur to me - as if I don't know what the hell to believe anymore. That puzzle I thought I figured out and knew where the pieces went can become a completely different puzzle overnight; maybe I misplaced the pieces and they're not fitting like I thought they would. And thinking about it, life is one of the toughest puzzles to solve and sometimes it remains unsolved for the longest time.
My work ethic consists of little breaks in between tasks to keep my mind refreshed so I'm not consistently working on the same thing for hours, or days, on end. The mind needs to rest before going back into something. So instead of sitting at my desk confused, or wondering where I stand with someone, I sometimes need to let things marinate for a while before I can come back to the situation and work on it.
I know that I won't be able to figure out all of my life's most confusing situations. I kind of just have to leave them be for a while until miraculously the time comes when I make sense of it all. When I'm able to make that move or know what I have to do next. That miraculous moment could be overnight, in the middle of the day, a month from now, or a year from now. Who really knows.
I do agree with the end of the article, because I guess in due time everything will make sense or the things I was confused about were right all along. At the right time, I'll know when to come back and tackle life's puzzles. And all the puzzle pieces will be placed in the correct spots and come together eventually. Philolzophy was right: "It doesn’t make sense and it might not ever again. But maybe if you try really hard or if you just relax in the recognition that it doesn’t, you can make a little sense of the nonsense."
I guess what I took from the article is that life is never going to make sense. And sometimes we can grow comfortable to that. I remember when I'd be dating someone and my friends would ask how it was going, I would just laugh and say, "I really don't know." But that could was because the situation was just messed up. At the same time, with it being messed up, it was just a confusing mess and I didn't really know how to tackle with it let alone deal with it at the time. Maybe we're not supposed to make sense of situations at the present moment and should let them just marinate in this mix of confusion; have situations just kind of sit there (on the counter) and wait until it all makes sense.
Sometimes there's this weird comfortability with the unknown. It doesn't mean I want to live not knowing things for the rest of my life but I guess for the time being, the confusion isn't really killing me. I'm numb to it almost. There are days when I can understand things and the next day, the same thing will seem like a blur to me - as if I don't know what the hell to believe anymore. That puzzle I thought I figured out and knew where the pieces went can become a completely different puzzle overnight; maybe I misplaced the pieces and they're not fitting like I thought they would. And thinking about it, life is one of the toughest puzzles to solve and sometimes it remains unsolved for the longest time.
My work ethic consists of little breaks in between tasks to keep my mind refreshed so I'm not consistently working on the same thing for hours, or days, on end. The mind needs to rest before going back into something. So instead of sitting at my desk confused, or wondering where I stand with someone, I sometimes need to let things marinate for a while before I can come back to the situation and work on it.
I know that I won't be able to figure out all of my life's most confusing situations. I kind of just have to leave them be for a while until miraculously the time comes when I make sense of it all. When I'm able to make that move or know what I have to do next. That miraculous moment could be overnight, in the middle of the day, a month from now, or a year from now. Who really knows.
I do agree with the end of the article, because I guess in due time everything will make sense or the things I was confused about were right all along. At the right time, I'll know when to come back and tackle life's puzzles. And all the puzzle pieces will be placed in the correct spots and come together eventually. Philolzophy was right: "It doesn’t make sense and it might not ever again. But maybe if you try really hard or if you just relax in the recognition that it doesn’t, you can make a little sense of the nonsense."
Monday, May 14, 2012
Sort Of
Sort Of - Ingrid Michaelson
I remember when this song used to make me cry. Legitimately walking on the sidewalk crying before class. On the sidewalk closest to my apartment and away from the main strip where you could easily see familiar faces. "Omg why are you crying?!" they'd probably ask if they knew me. And if they didn't know me, they'd probably say, "Eww, why the fuck is she crying. Fucking weirdo!"
I remember one time I was walking to class and my eyes just started to fill up with tears. Thank God no one saw me. I was listening to the lyrics and relating my life to every last word. When music becomes so significant to how you're feeling at the time, you can't but let it consume you and let yourself go. I had this weird crush on someone I worked with and it just was in no way, shape, or form turning into anything. I had a mere high schoolish crush and those just simply don't do so well in college especially when you're still like a kid and won't tell your crush how you feel. I was gaga over this person and it maybe it simply was because of our similar taste in music and my attraction to freckles. Lots of precious little freckles.
But ever since then this song has still stuck with me and I listen to it, relating it to all of my relationships no matter how meaningless or serious they were. Because I feel that in most relationships or "relationships" I've been involved in, this song has always been significant. The lyrics always made sense. And more times than not, I'd just want to hurl over with such overwhelming sadness and hold my stomach and cry like there's no tomorrow. Like this huge wave of pain I just want to let out when I really look like I'm trying to fart and the gas pains are making me hurl over in pain.
It's all a little ridiculous, I know. But dammit, Ingrid just knows how to say it...
Baby you've got the sort of hands to rip me apart
And baby you've got the sort of face to start this old heart
But your eyes are warning me this early morning
That my love's too big for you my love
Baby you've got the sort of laugh that waters me
And makes me grow tall and strong and proud and flattens me
I find you stunning, but you are running me down
My love's too big for you my love
My love's too big for you my love
And if I was stronger then I would tell you no
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again
Baby you've got the sort of eyes that tell me tales
That your sort of mouth just will not say, the truth impales
That you don't need me, but you won't leave me
My love's too big for you my love
My love's too big for you my love
And if I was stronger then I would tell you no
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again
Tell me what to do to take away the you?
And if I was stronger then I would tell you no.
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again
Friday, May 11, 2012
I GOT 99 PROBLEMS AND THEY ALL BITCHES
Happy Friday, y'all!
Remember Eve? My mom wanted to get those same titty claw tats when I was younger. And Missy Elliott? She's awesome - I want her to come back with some crazy shit with Timbaland. I used to rock a pair of Timberland boots to school dances when I was in grammar school.
Don't hate.
And Kelis? Well, her milkshake did bring the boys to the yard but I think these days she's more concerned about making milkshakes for Nas's babies.
Well, considering it's Friday, I figured I talk about some beef between two cray cray femcees:
I didn't even know much about this feud until someone told me about it last night, but I found some info on the beef from XXL Features (holla!). They both came out with albums with the word "Friday" in the title: Nicki's Pink Friday that I'm sure more people are familiar with. But Lil Kim came out with a rebuttal album called Black Friday. Time to take the door knocker earrings out and throw some 'bows, oh snap, crackle, and popppp!!!
I remember Lil Kim in the 90s. I was all over "The Jumpoff" and I do agree that she puts the "range in the Rova" but at the same time I like Nicki because she's all "rah, rah like a dungeon dragon," and when I work out to "Roman's Revenge" I get goosepimples #runnershigh. But this feud, if anything, is just downright stoopid. Fame makes everyone hungry like a hippo and spaz out here and there and everywhere. Ugh.
I mean they both have pros and cons. If I had to choose between the two, I couldn't really make a decision right now. Maybe in the future if one of them decides to do something heinous. Actually, I don't think that'll really prevent me from still listening to both of them. They both have good jams! Some may argue that Lil Kim spits out some dirty girl lyrics but she's also been doing this for more than two decades so all that experience makes her a legend in the hip-hop community. At the same time, Nicki Minaj along with her three alter-egos are making names for themselves. And she seems to be combining different genres into her songs, collaborating with different artists. Listening to both of the Friday albums, they aren't keen of each other. One day they're both gonna end up in the same nursing home. They should bury the hatchet before they start having wheelchair rap battles during bingo. They're both talented and both albums are pretty good in my book. They both collaborate with great artists too! While these two are feuding, I suggest EVERYONE listen to this diss..."It's a party on your face and I'm about to dance on it"
Now if I were to do a collab, a #SICK off-the-chain collab I would include the following:
Justin Vernon, Ezra Koenig, Nick Littleton, Tim Berg (obviously), Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, Marcus Mumford, Kimbra, and maybe Da Brat if she's not busy. Oh, and a Tupac hologram.
I leave you with some awesome jams for your Friday, whether it's pink, black, or good. You can reminisce about those days in middle school when you used to rock your Baby Phat purse and Ecko Red jeans. Or maybe I'll just do that. Enjoy!
Music Playlist at MixPod.com
Remember Eve? My mom wanted to get those same titty claw tats when I was younger. And Missy Elliott? She's awesome - I want her to come back with some crazy shit with Timbaland. I used to rock a pair of Timberland boots to school dances when I was in grammar school.
Don't hate.
And Kelis? Well, her milkshake did bring the boys to the yard but I think these days she's more concerned about making milkshakes for Nas's babies.
Well, considering it's Friday, I figured I talk about some beef between two cray cray femcees:
Lil Kim' vs. Nicki Minaj
I didn't even know much about this feud until someone told me about it last night, but I found some info on the beef from XXL Features (holla!). They both came out with albums with the word "Friday" in the title: Nicki's Pink Friday that I'm sure more people are familiar with. But Lil Kim came out with a rebuttal album called Black Friday. Time to take the door knocker earrings out and throw some 'bows, oh snap, crackle, and popppp!!! I remember Lil Kim in the 90s. I was all over "The Jumpoff" and I do agree that she puts the "range in the Rova" but at the same time I like Nicki because she's all "rah, rah like a dungeon dragon," and when I work out to "Roman's Revenge" I get goosepimples #runnershigh. But this feud, if anything, is just downright stoopid. Fame makes everyone hungry like a hippo and spaz out here and there and everywhere. Ugh.I mean they both have pros and cons. If I had to choose between the two, I couldn't really make a decision right now. Maybe in the future if one of them decides to do something heinous. Actually, I don't think that'll really prevent me from still listening to both of them. They both have good jams! Some may argue that Lil Kim spits out some dirty girl lyrics but she's also been doing this for more than two decades so all that experience makes her a legend in the hip-hop community. At the same time, Nicki Minaj along with her three alter-egos are making names for themselves. And she seems to be combining different genres into her songs, collaborating with different artists. Listening to both of the Friday albums, they aren't keen of each other. One day they're both gonna end up in the same nursing home. They should bury the hatchet before they start having wheelchair rap battles during bingo. They're both talented and both albums are pretty good in my book. They both collaborate with great artists too! While these two are feuding, I suggest EVERYONE listen to this diss..."It's a party on your face and I'm about to dance on it"
Now if I were to do a collab, a #SICK off-the-chain collab I would include the following:
Justin Vernon, Ezra Koenig, Nick Littleton, Tim Berg (obviously), Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, Marcus Mumford, Kimbra, and maybe Da Brat if she's not busy. Oh, and a Tupac hologram.
I leave you with some awesome jams for your Friday, whether it's pink, black, or good. You can reminisce about those days in middle school when you used to rock your Baby Phat purse and Ecko Red jeans. Or maybe I'll just do that. Enjoy!
Music Playlist at MixPod.com
Thursday, May 10, 2012
I'll see you soon...
Hey you,
I was supposed to call you back last Sunday. I saw you left me a voice mail and at first I didn't know it'd be from you. But I'm glad it was and I'm glad I got to hear your voice. It's been a while. Well, not that long. I saw you last month and I think I really needed that because I wasn't feeling so great. And I'm glad you came up here to see me and I got to show you around. You have no idea how happy I was to get that text from you on Easter saying you'd be up here to visit! Literally, I wanted to start crying I was so happy.
I remember when you told me where you were and I knew exactly where to find you. I wanted to dodge all the cabs in Union Square just to get across the street and hug ya. It was awkward at first with your friends but when do language barriers make anything easy, right? You lost some weight, actually, a lot. So I didn't mind buying you those little cupcakes from Melissa's. I hope you ate the ones you saved! I mean, they weren't expensive or anything I just hoped you enjoyed them as much as you said you did. I know the city isn't your favorite place and it's A LOT different than home, or haome as we pronounce it. I don't think anyone up here minus my friend Katie will understand the Mid-Atlantic accent. She's from South Jersey so she's my one and only Phillies fan up here who gets the same crap about her accent as I do. And the same crap for being a Phillies fan. To hear your voice made me feel like I wasn't alone as gay as that sounds. So I'm glad I got to hear a familiar accent from...haome.
I talked to your mom. We both really miss you. And I'm sure Pepe and Callie miss you too. The first time I met Callie she walked over to me then immediately laid on her back so I could rub her belly. Sly little bitch hahaha. She was cute though and I'm glad your parents adopted her. And it gives Pepe someone to play with even though Pepe was such a fucking diva. She still is a diva but I love her. I hope your mom isn't feeding her a lot though. She's starting to get a little chubby. Or maybe it could be her hair. Maybe she hadn't been to the groomers last time I saw her.
I was looking through old pictures on Facebook when we were in our school uniforms and I remember our car rides home. Remember that time we went to go get books before senior year and afterwards we were trying to figure out where to go get lunch and you were on the phone with your dad and he recommended Arby's and you made a weird orgasm noise to the suggestion? I still laugh about that. Or the time we went to Brewster's and you got so pissed because you were waiting in "a long ass line with a bunch of fucking idiots"? I would just stand there and laugh to myself because you hated being in crowded places. You would always get like that when we were in line at the movie theater or at Panera. I would be trying to talk to you and there you are looking over your shoulder hoping you wouldn't see anyone you knew. And if you did see someone you knew, you would say something like, "Eww, she's a cunt." And I would just laugh. Panera was always a good choice. Cinnamon Crunch bagels. Every single time. And you never put dressing on your salad. You were weird like that but I still loved you. "Expand your horizons and try something new!" I'd say. And you would just glare at me hahahaha.
I can't wait to go home at some point in the summer time. We'll go get a Cinnamon Crunch bagel and maybe go to the movies. You better not fall asleep this time! Woodside will be open too. We'll wait in line and I can watch you awkwardly order your ice cream in a really low voice because you don't want people eavesdropping around you hahaha. But our car adventures are what make me laugh. Loud music, laughing, swerving, judging other drivers, Wawa pit stops and running into prissy bitches we went to school with. I got along with everyone but you pretty much didn't like anyone I was friends with hahah. Oh well, you didn't judge me! That disgusted look on your face would always make me laugh so I really didn't care who you disliked lol. One day we'll cruise and pretend to be cool again haha.
You don't always make the best decisions but I love you anyways. I remember one time I had to lay it on you and say, "Get your shit together! It's not fucking funny anymore," and I'm surprised you didn't get mad. "I know, I know. I'm gonna," you said. I still believe that. With time. Lots and lots of time. But you just gotta stop getting discouraged, dammit. I know you can do it. Your family knows too. I've always had your back and I still do. So don't lie to me. You know not to lie to me. You know pretty much everything about me so be honest with me. It may not be what I want to hear but I want to be there for you and you know that. Remember that time I told you something and you were like, "Ummm, okayyy...so??" You weren't even surprised and that's what I love about you. You never judged me and always had my back. You still do even if I don't see or hear from you often. I still have your best interests at heart too. And even though I gotta play the middleman sometimes between you and your parents I always still had your back. What I admire is that you have so many goals. I remember when you were at UD and you told me your plan and I was so happy. You were gonna get an internship - you basically were already offered it! You knew what you wanted to be after college because after all the shit you've gone through you wanted to be able to help other people when you were older. And I believe you can still do that. Eventually. You just gotta believe in yourself and not forget your dreams. They're still possible. Anything's possible.
I can't wait to hear from you soon.
The Riot's Gone - Santigold
I was supposed to call you back last Sunday. I saw you left me a voice mail and at first I didn't know it'd be from you. But I'm glad it was and I'm glad I got to hear your voice. It's been a while. Well, not that long. I saw you last month and I think I really needed that because I wasn't feeling so great. And I'm glad you came up here to see me and I got to show you around. You have no idea how happy I was to get that text from you on Easter saying you'd be up here to visit! Literally, I wanted to start crying I was so happy.
I remember when you told me where you were and I knew exactly where to find you. I wanted to dodge all the cabs in Union Square just to get across the street and hug ya. It was awkward at first with your friends but when do language barriers make anything easy, right? You lost some weight, actually, a lot. So I didn't mind buying you those little cupcakes from Melissa's. I hope you ate the ones you saved! I mean, they weren't expensive or anything I just hoped you enjoyed them as much as you said you did. I know the city isn't your favorite place and it's A LOT different than home, or haome as we pronounce it. I don't think anyone up here minus my friend Katie will understand the Mid-Atlantic accent. She's from South Jersey so she's my one and only Phillies fan up here who gets the same crap about her accent as I do. And the same crap for being a Phillies fan. To hear your voice made me feel like I wasn't alone as gay as that sounds. So I'm glad I got to hear a familiar accent from...haome.
I talked to your mom. We both really miss you. And I'm sure Pepe and Callie miss you too. The first time I met Callie she walked over to me then immediately laid on her back so I could rub her belly. Sly little bitch hahaha. She was cute though and I'm glad your parents adopted her. And it gives Pepe someone to play with even though Pepe was such a fucking diva. She still is a diva but I love her. I hope your mom isn't feeding her a lot though. She's starting to get a little chubby. Or maybe it could be her hair. Maybe she hadn't been to the groomers last time I saw her.
I was looking through old pictures on Facebook when we were in our school uniforms and I remember our car rides home. Remember that time we went to go get books before senior year and afterwards we were trying to figure out where to go get lunch and you were on the phone with your dad and he recommended Arby's and you made a weird orgasm noise to the suggestion? I still laugh about that. Or the time we went to Brewster's and you got so pissed because you were waiting in "a long ass line with a bunch of fucking idiots"? I would just stand there and laugh to myself because you hated being in crowded places. You would always get like that when we were in line at the movie theater or at Panera. I would be trying to talk to you and there you are looking over your shoulder hoping you wouldn't see anyone you knew. And if you did see someone you knew, you would say something like, "Eww, she's a cunt." And I would just laugh. Panera was always a good choice. Cinnamon Crunch bagels. Every single time. And you never put dressing on your salad. You were weird like that but I still loved you. "Expand your horizons and try something new!" I'd say. And you would just glare at me hahahaha.
I can't wait to go home at some point in the summer time. We'll go get a Cinnamon Crunch bagel and maybe go to the movies. You better not fall asleep this time! Woodside will be open too. We'll wait in line and I can watch you awkwardly order your ice cream in a really low voice because you don't want people eavesdropping around you hahaha. But our car adventures are what make me laugh. Loud music, laughing, swerving, judging other drivers, Wawa pit stops and running into prissy bitches we went to school with. I got along with everyone but you pretty much didn't like anyone I was friends with hahah. Oh well, you didn't judge me! That disgusted look on your face would always make me laugh so I really didn't care who you disliked lol. One day we'll cruise and pretend to be cool again haha.
You don't always make the best decisions but I love you anyways. I remember one time I had to lay it on you and say, "Get your shit together! It's not fucking funny anymore," and I'm surprised you didn't get mad. "I know, I know. I'm gonna," you said. I still believe that. With time. Lots and lots of time. But you just gotta stop getting discouraged, dammit. I know you can do it. Your family knows too. I've always had your back and I still do. So don't lie to me. You know not to lie to me. You know pretty much everything about me so be honest with me. It may not be what I want to hear but I want to be there for you and you know that. Remember that time I told you something and you were like, "Ummm, okayyy...so??" You weren't even surprised and that's what I love about you. You never judged me and always had my back. You still do even if I don't see or hear from you often. I still have your best interests at heart too. And even though I gotta play the middleman sometimes between you and your parents I always still had your back. What I admire is that you have so many goals. I remember when you were at UD and you told me your plan and I was so happy. You were gonna get an internship - you basically were already offered it! You knew what you wanted to be after college because after all the shit you've gone through you wanted to be able to help other people when you were older. And I believe you can still do that. Eventually. You just gotta believe in yourself and not forget your dreams. They're still possible. Anything's possible.
I can't wait to hear from you soon.
The Riot's Gone - Santigold
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
A Bug's Life
Sometimes when I feel like I'm being put back together after some significant event, I always think about worker ants. I picture myself like a project and the worker ants slowly but surely are putting me back together, carrying each piece to the building site.
I've heard that the heart is the strongest organ in the human body. But I also believe that it takes the longest to heal. Sometimes you feel like you lose yours or it's been damaged too much. Or maybe you simply don't take care of it with the things you pollute your body with. After certain events I feel as if I need to replace mine with a brand new one. As if the one I have has been kicked around too much. As if a crane is lifting in a new chandelier into a dining room. Picture worker ants operating a crane. Even better, picture them wearing hard hats. It's more entertaining that way.
When you attempt to put yourself back together, it's a process no matter what the situation is. You're rebuilding yourself from the ground up and it's not an easy task. You can't use a magic wand to easily place a chandelier in place and have it stay hanging there with ease. What if it falls and shatters everywhere because it wasn't put in place properly? Like worker ants, you need to give yourself a break. Sometimes when I'm driving home to Delaware, I always see vacant construction sites and sometimes it's for months on end. I'll drive past the same construction site over the course of a six-month period and that section of the New Jersey Turnpike will still be worked on. Like a construction site, it can take a very long time to rebuild yourself. And that sole fact isn't always taken lightly. Be calm.
The movie had a happy ending so you might as well think that way.
I leave you with this scene from the movie A Bug's Life. Heimlich - he's just so frickin' precious.
Beautiful Butterfly
When you attempt to put yourself back together, it's a process no matter what the situation is. You're rebuilding yourself from the ground up and it's not an easy task. You can't use a magic wand to easily place a chandelier in place and have it stay hanging there with ease. What if it falls and shatters everywhere because it wasn't put in place properly? Like worker ants, you need to give yourself a break. Sometimes when I'm driving home to Delaware, I always see vacant construction sites and sometimes it's for months on end. I'll drive past the same construction site over the course of a six-month period and that section of the New Jersey Turnpike will still be worked on. Like a construction site, it can take a very long time to rebuild yourself. And that sole fact isn't always taken lightly. Be calm.
The movie had a happy ending so you might as well think that way.
I leave you with this scene from the movie A Bug's Life. Heimlich - he's just so frickin' precious.
Beautiful Butterfly
Monday, May 7, 2012
A wedding and a funeral
Two weekends ago, my mom and I watched a special on the late Princess Diana. I remember when I was younger, my mom loved watching specials and news stories on her. And I think for some reason she didn't like Prince Charles because he was a cheating douchebag. Basically, my mom had Lady Di's back. And I also think she looked up to her because she was a humanitarian along with being a mother. I guess my mom relates to the whole hard-working mom aspect of distinguished women in the media considering I was quite the handful. I like Lady Di too. I even had that special edition Beanie Baby created just for her. It's still in a plastic cube-like case for protection.
After the special on Lady Di, there was a re-run of the Royal Wedding. I didn't watch the live version of Price William and Kate Middleton's nuptials so I thought we'd watch it. I was in awe by the amount of people crowding London streets to catch a glimpse of the parade of wedding festivities going on. Complete awe. People even flew into London simply to stand on sidewalks to watch this! The wedding was being covered by countless entertainment channels, and there was even a viewing party in the middle of Times Square. Fucking Times Square. Unless I'm invited to a wedding, I won't go but that's just me.
Granted it was lovely to watch, I didn't watch the whole thing.*
*I saw that Taxicab Confessions was on so I opted for trash TV instead :)
Buuut I was fascinated to see how many people, millions actually, were interested in main-stream media of this nature. This wasn't a special on the migration of geese or a news story on the latest hoodlum robbing people of their personal things. It wasn't even a sex scandal/sex tape/OMG-he's-gay-but-married-to-a-woman-with-kids moment. It was a wedding between a popular royal figure and his love interest who came from a humble background. Aww so coot. And I guess the fact that she wasn't royalty herself was a #BIGDEAL.
So, if people get this excited over wedding nuptials between famous faces, how do funerals of famous dead people add up?
According to Nielsen ratings, an estimated 22.7 million Americans (out of the U.S. population of 310 million) watched the royal wedding on eleven major U.S. television networks. So 7.3% of the American population was interested enough to watch live coverage of the royal wedding despite the five hour time difference.
However, back in September 2007 when Lady Di passed away in a car crash, 33.2 million Americans watched live coverage of her funeral. According to the Population Reference Bureau (PRB), the U.S. population mid-2007 was 302.2 million. Almost 11% of the U.S. population in 2007 was interested enough to watch live coverage of Lady Di's funeral. Was Lady Di's death more interesting than her son's nuptials? Was she more impacting on the population of the time? If she were alive would she still have the same impact on American media?
However, these are only American statistics. Since both events occurred in England, it may be neccessary to include British statistics. But until the Queen herself invites me to one of these shin-digs, shortbread cookies included, I'm highly optimistic that you can find out these statistics for yourself. Obviously this depends on your interest level and I'm sure it's not that high.
On a global scale, an estimated 2.5 billion people worldwide watched Lady Di's funeral versus the estimated 2 billion people around the world who watched the royal wedding in spring 2011.
Are people more influential when they're dead than when they're alive? How many people even listened to the Beastie Boys LONG BEFORE Adam Yaunch's recent death? I know I didn't. And "Intergalactic" does NOT count! I'm getting ahead of myself.
All in all, rest in peace, Adam <3 And Lady Di <3 You both made an important impact on media and society in both of your different yet accomplished fields. You both were and will be truly influential people. As for that royal couple, congrats and Mazeltov. Oh, and Kate's sister's name is #boss. Pippa. Yes.
And for some comic relief here are some statistics on Kim Karcrashian & Kris Humpbackwhalefries's "unforgettable" nuptials...
Viewership: 10.5 million*
*Since the event was covered on two nights, half of these could be repeat viewers. Unique viewers could be an estimated 4.4 million (based on the first night's viewership). I agree with the LA Times article above - how does that equal 10.5?
Network coverage: 1 (E! Entertainment)
Length of courtship: 72 days
Influence on me: -14.75698%
After the special on Lady Di, there was a re-run of the Royal Wedding. I didn't watch the live version of Price William and Kate Middleton's nuptials so I thought we'd watch it. I was in awe by the amount of people crowding London streets to catch a glimpse of the parade of wedding festivities going on. Complete awe. People even flew into London simply to stand on sidewalks to watch this! The wedding was being covered by countless entertainment channels, and there was even a viewing party in the middle of Times Square. Fucking Times Square. Unless I'm invited to a wedding, I won't go but that's just me.
Granted it was lovely to watch, I didn't watch the whole thing.*
*I saw that Taxicab Confessions was on so I opted for trash TV instead :)
Buuut I was fascinated to see how many people, millions actually, were interested in main-stream media of this nature. This wasn't a special on the migration of geese or a news story on the latest hoodlum robbing people of their personal things. It wasn't even a sex scandal/sex tape/OMG-he's-gay-but-married-to-a-woman-with-kids moment. It was a wedding between a popular royal figure and his love interest who came from a humble background. Aww so coot. And I guess the fact that she wasn't royalty herself was a #BIGDEAL.
So, if people get this excited over wedding nuptials between famous faces, how do funerals of famous dead people add up?
According to Nielsen ratings, an estimated 22.7 million Americans (out of the U.S. population of 310 million) watched the royal wedding on eleven major U.S. television networks. So 7.3% of the American population was interested enough to watch live coverage of the royal wedding despite the five hour time difference.
However, back in September 2007 when Lady Di passed away in a car crash, 33.2 million Americans watched live coverage of her funeral. According to the Population Reference Bureau (PRB), the U.S. population mid-2007 was 302.2 million. Almost 11% of the U.S. population in 2007 was interested enough to watch live coverage of Lady Di's funeral. Was Lady Di's death more interesting than her son's nuptials? Was she more impacting on the population of the time? If she were alive would she still have the same impact on American media?
However, these are only American statistics. Since both events occurred in England, it may be neccessary to include British statistics. But until the Queen herself invites me to one of these shin-digs, shortbread cookies included, I'm highly optimistic that you can find out these statistics for yourself. Obviously this depends on your interest level and I'm sure it's not that high.
On a global scale, an estimated 2.5 billion people worldwide watched Lady Di's funeral versus the estimated 2 billion people around the world who watched the royal wedding in spring 2011.
Are people more influential when they're dead than when they're alive? How many people even listened to the Beastie Boys LONG BEFORE Adam Yaunch's recent death? I know I didn't. And "Intergalactic" does NOT count! I'm getting ahead of myself.
All in all, rest in peace, Adam <3 And Lady Di <3 You both made an important impact on media and society in both of your different yet accomplished fields. You both were and will be truly influential people. As for that royal couple, congrats and Mazeltov. Oh, and Kate's sister's name is #boss. Pippa. Yes.
And for some comic relief here are some statistics on Kim Karcrashian & Kris Humpbackwhalefries's "unforgettable" nuptials...
Viewership: 10.5 million*
*Since the event was covered on two nights, half of these could be repeat viewers. Unique viewers could be an estimated 4.4 million (based on the first night's viewership). I agree with the LA Times article above - how does that equal 10.5?
Network coverage: 1 (E! Entertainment)
Length of courtship: 72 days
Influence on me: -14.75698%
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Unfit.
"Friends still sit with us. Children still hug our knees. Songs still speak the words we’re pressed to find. Until we learn to embrace our bare, exposed branches and recognize our worth apart from titles and talents, the buds of spring cannot surface, heralding new life. When we learn to love ourselves, winter never wins." - Todd Clayton
Initially I thought we would work. "This could work," I said. I thought I was ready and I thought you were too. You seemed to be. You were actually, thinking of it now. I mean, we all have shit but I guess you thought you could bite off more than you could chew. Not necessarily the case.
It was exciting in the beginning. I met your friends and vice versa. We drank...a lot. And maybe that was a reason for this feeling of being comfortably uncomfortable unless we were drinking together. And when we weren't it was...I don't know. Good but not great? I couldn't really talk to you about my personal life. We couldn't have silly conversations about absolutely nothing without you having to do something more important. Sorry...
Over the course of a few weeks, not many to begin with, it just was going down hill. I was finally putting my guard down and you were taking advantage of my being nice. I wasn't used to it and I let it happen because I didn't want something to slip through my fingers so quickly. I didn't want to be alone is what it came down to. I didn't sell myself short but I gambled with the idea of doing that.
I rode an emotional roller coaster with you and more times than not you were the one throwing up on me (not literally but you get the point). I put the ball in your court like we were playing four-square and I always let you win. It wasn't until that night in February that I played the game for myself and not you.
And that's why I'm happy winter never wins.
I eventually stopped checking my phone and stopped waiting for you anxiously to wake up hung over ready to talk to me. You didn't feel like talking to me. I wasn't expecting you to let me know you were safe because you would become intoxicated to the point where you didn't know how to use a phone. I stopped after that night you got out of control at a concert and said, "You're supposed to take care of me!" when you wanted to get into a fight with strangers for no particular reason and went on a man-hunt for drugs.
I'm alone now. But I'm happier without you. But I believe that I'm better. I was dragging a huge weight on my shoulders and bringing it into other aspects of my life where it was uninvited. My close ones didn't want it around. I wasn't allowed to bring it and I'm glad I didn't after a while. I set it down and walked away and I'm all the better for it. If things were getting to be out of hand so early on then I don't know if it was really worth it. But I learned from it. You taught me something; something to avoid. As mean as that sounds. Sorry...
I'm happy winter never wins.
I love spring. It rains and pours until you're depressed enough to call yourself Kurt Cobain and then before you know it new flowers blossom and new life grows right in front of you. And you don't even know it. But eventually you know it and you embrace it.
I stopped everything and I'm all the better for it. I don't dance to the beat of your drum. I eventually learned to ignore it. I danced to my own drum and this bothered you. You tried to get me back and I wasn't looking back. Just looking forward like I am now. I'm still dancing. All your chances ran out as if your credit card exceeded its limit and now you don't have enough money to buy that new dress for spring. Someone else has enough credit for that new dress though. And the weather is clearing up now. Besides, I'm sure that dress is going to be the perfect fit for someone else. You're unfit for it; for me. Sorry...I'm not sorry.
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