40 Things You Should Know Before Dating Me

Naturally, I was reading Thought Catalog earlier and came across Jason Cook's post.

And since I haven't posted in over a month (I'm sorry but when I'm in really good moods/someone is paying close attention to me in a romantic sense/embracing my twenty-something social life/shoving heaps of avocado in my face/working out like a post-graduate athlete with a slow metabolism/etc I tend not to blog).

AND SO...Here's my own list of things one must know about before dating me. Please don't change your mind about me after reading these. I can be the girl of your dreams and with the right amount of sweet talk I will sit through your favorite show on whatever God-awful channel you're prone to be obsessed with. I will try not to roll my eyes. Just don't make me cheer for the Yankees if that's your favorite team. Kthanks...

In no particular order...

1. When I eat food, I go to town. Like legit, stuff my face with a certain degree of grace but after a while I'll start telling you about my day mid-chew.

2. I'm a die hard Phillies fan and no matter how much they may "suck", whatever trash talk you decide to say about them you're that much further from some sexy time.

3. I crack my knuckles like Arnie Grape. If you haven't seen the movie, then you're in for a rude and awkward awakening. Granted, I don't make that face Leonardo DiCaprio wore when he played Arnie.

4. I tend to get passive sometimes. It's a defense mechanism, I'll admit that. And I get even more passive if you can't pick up on my passiveness.

5. I get cranky when I'm hungry but won't admit it because I'm afraid to look like a fatass.

6. I get cranky when I'm horny and I can't do anything about it. I won't admit that either unless I'm on a VERY comfortable level with whomever I'm talking to.

7. I don't tend to watch animated films or television shows. They're not my cup of tea but I will watch them if you really wanted me to.

8. I put on a forced happy face when I feel uncomfortable but don't want to seem stand-offish.

9. I drink in the shower. Not all the time but it's nice once in a while to get tipsy off of hot steam and alcohol.

10. I dance like a maniac at EDM concerts. I debate whether or not I should take someone I'm dating with me unless they dance crazy and listen to EDM too.

11. I curse a lot. I try not to but shit happens.

12. My tone can be abrasive but it just means I'm passionate about whatever I'm talking about.

13. I turn into a nerd when I talk about things I love or am really interested in. Like food and music and film.

14. My brain is home to a lot of weird facts that not many people know about. My best friend calls me the human almanac.

15. I LOVE independent films. No one is really on my level in that department. So I enjoy watching them alone.

16. If I'm watching TV in the living room and eating dinner at the same time, I place my plate on a pillow in my lap and eat with my legs crossed Indian-style. Again, this I do when I'm alone.

17. I like day-drinking. Don't judge me.

18. If the sun is out, so am I. If it's raining out, that means one thing: You, me, bed, movies. All. Day.

19. I go to church on Sundays and always wanted someone to come with me. And yes, I'm Catholic. And yes, I believe in God. And I love Jesus. And although I may not always be morally consistent, I have a good sense of right and wrong and that feeling of guilt when I don't go to church.

20. I would want to cook for you if we dated. It may not be good but I'd like to cook for someone other than myself and pretend I'm Giada De Laurentiis. That means, move over frozen veggies, make room for Mr. Tuna Steak!

21. I would want to bring you with me if we were going out to meet some of my friends. It's like saying, "Hey bitches, look what I have!"

22. If I'm out drunk with friends, I expect you to pay attention to me when I text you.

23. If I'm drunk out with you, I will pretend to be sober.

24. I talk with my hands. So stay out of the radius of my arms and sometimes, my fingers.

25. I'm very funny and I'm probably funnier and wittier than you. It's just the way it is. Please accept this for I will give you so many kisses.

26. I'm rough around the edges but I melt when you're being cute to me.

27. I'm secretly romantic despite my sarcastic and cynical exterior.

28. I will spoil you if my bank account allows it.

29. I can be that jealous girlfriend-type sometimes. Then again, who the fuck isn't?!

30. I'm touchy-feely. Come here, you! Let's graze elbows and schtuff :)

31. I sometimes have no shame...even in public. You can interpret that anyway you'd like.

32. I don't mind PDA if it's done tastefully. Again, you can interpret that anyway you'd like.

33. Depending on what it is, I usually don't mind trying new things.

34. I'm vulgar. Sorry I'm not sorry. And if you're not, then for Christ's sake, give me a drink and something interesting to talk about.

35. Roadtrips. I'm sorry, but you must like these.

36. I will most likely write about you.

37. I work out at least five times a week. And that probably won't change even when we start dating. I'm sorry but I would like to look decent for you. No matter how great you may think I look, I do this for me. And don't think I'm making my workout more of a priority than you, that's not true. I find my balance.

38. When you're sick or upset, I will try to make you feel better. But the minute you get snippy with me, then no, no, no, candy grams and kisses fo' youuu, Glen Coco!

39. I quote Bridesmaids and Heavyweights a lot. You must see these movies before we start dating. It's mandatory.

40. I'm quite jovial and social sometimes when I meet new people. Don't interpret this as my throwing my cat at everyone. I'm not flirting. Not one bit. So don't give me the cold shoulder because I have tunnel vision and the only person in the room is you.

20 Things Crabby Twentysomethings Can Do To Avoid Getting Hurt

1. Avoid cryptic people and their cryptic answers. If it sounds cryptic, don't listen. If it smells cryptic, don't eat it.

2. Keep your expectations low. Like under the ground low.

3. Be cynical. And don't be ashamed of it.

4. Don't base relationships on what you see online. Even if it does hurt your feelings.

5. De-activate said social footprints if they make you upset every time you reactivate them.

6. Don't make an effort toward others if they don't make an effort toward you.

7. Be honest (even when you write). Staying passive will only make you even more upset.

8. Realize people aren't psychics, they can't read your mind...unless they were trained by Miss Cleo.

9. Have patience but if it's tested then throw in the towel. At least you tried.

10. Listen to music. Listen to the lyrics. Be cryptic and make them your Facebook statuses. 

11. Use phrases like "not yet," "who knows," "not so sure," when talking about your like/love life.

12. Listen to "Matt Nathanson" Radio on Pandora. 

13. If you're simply someone's option and not one of their priorities, put them on the bottom of your list or close to the bottom. Try not to feel bad about it. Enjoy some fruit-at-the-bottom yogurt.

14. Take promises with a grain of salt. And pepper if you like that too.

15. Don't cry in public. Or in my case, cry after trying so hard to hold it together. #oops

16. Emotionally shut down.

17. Exercise...a lot.

18. Silence your phone. In fact, put it away. Your loved ones can e-mail or phone your office extension.

19. Drink more water (this is my mom's answer for everything).

And the most obvious....

20. Write when you're pissed.