National Honesty Day

Now I don't know if today is truly National Honesty Day but I saw someone post about it this morning on Facebook. SO TELL ME HOW YOU REALLY FEEL ABOUT ME!! So I guess I'm taking the liberty at being you know, honest. That, plus my life revolves around Thought Catalog and a post about honesty was posted today.

Not that I lie all the time. Shit, if I did that I could probably have sex with my nose like Pinnochio. Okay, now I'm getting ahead of myself and causing everyone who reads this to think I'm a huge Disney Slut.*
*if I did have to pick a princess, it would probably be Pocahontas. Paint with all the colors of the wind, bitches! 

Trust me, there have been times where I've been caught in a lie and I definitely knew I couldn't eat my way through that box of bull shit so I'd admit to lying, look like a fool, but at the same time feel better about myself  in the end because I told the truth. And I guess when it comes down to it, I'd rather look like a fool telling the truth then living with a lie for the rest of my life. I mean, how could anyone possibly live with a lie? Unless your Jack Nicholson's mom on her death bed saying, "Hi! I'm not really your older sister but I'm your mom! Yeah, sorry to tell you now that I'm about to croak buuuut that lady you thought was our mama the whole time? Yah, you should've been calling her Grandma or Mommom, whichever you prefer. Peace, bitch."

Yeah, that would fucking #suck.

I could recall one time I agreed to go on a "blind" date with some guy who lived out in Crown Heights. Yeah, I said it - Crown Heights. Why? Well, I was single and had nothing better to do. And I was alllll about taking opportunities when they came my way. Nowadays, I'm more cautious but it was one of those "We Are Young"-type nights. Or days - it was a day date. Whatever.

It took us quite a while to finally meet up. I remember I used an excuse one weekend saying I had to take my friend to the hospital and that we'd have to reschedule. The day before I was looking forward to seeing him. But the morning of, I went on a run and afterwards I was having second thoughts. I thought, "Shit, do I really wanna do this?" He wasn't physically astounding but at the same time it wasn't always about looks. I wanted to give him a chance but my whole heart wasn't really into it to begin with. So I told him the friend-in-the-hospital lie and we planned to reschedule the following weekend.

After we hung out (which, mind you, was absolutely a waste of my time), I kind of let him off the easy way saying I had a lot on my plate since I was graduating soon. A few weeks passed and I was feeling drunkenly lonely (so lame, I know but who hasn't texted someone out of loneliness?! Yeah, thought so, fuckers) and shot him a text to hang out. Again, I was single and bored and made plans with someone I really didn't wanna see. Again, I went for a run the Saturday morning before we were supposed to hang out. And again, I had used the same lie about a friend being in the hospital, not realizing I already "used that one" on him a month before. He confronted me about it...

Him: You know what I just remembered...last time you broke plans you had to take your friend to the hospital..hmmm
Me: Probably. You know what you're right. And I apologize for that. I think my problem is that I make rash decisions w/o thinking about them first then panic and make excuses. I'm sorry I lied.
Him: I don't have time for games...
Me: I'm not playing any. Merely apologizing for lying. I don't wanna date you. I figured we could catch up but I wasn't thinking. Take my apology or not, Lord knows I could've kept the lie going but I didn't because I know I don't like being lied to so why should I do it to you. I said sorry and that's that. Good luck with everything.

I'm surprised that text was still in my phone. I went to check Facebook to see how he's been since we clearly don't communicate anymore. He deleted me off of Facebook. Fair enough.

I really didn't mean to play games with him. Maybe in his eyes I was doing just that. But I was honest with him, because I know I haaaaaaaaate being lied to. I couldn't put someone through that shit if I didn't like it happening to me. I have a tendency of being cynical and I spent my entire childhood being gullible. Now that I'm attempting to grow up day to day, I try not to let bullshit cloud my judgment. Keyword: try - life is hard, bitches.

It was quite mature of me though - to confess to lying to someone. I was basically using someone for my own emotional relief. And I know I wouldn't wanna be someone's personal baby wipe unless I knew they would appreciate the help and was going to stick around for a good minute. However, I didn't really see anything happening with this guy in the future, so why waste his time along with mine? Lesson learned.

I also was honest with someone I used to date. Things ended months ago and I've completely moved on and wasn't really in the right mindset to even think about a potential friendship blossoming anytime soon. A lot was on my plate, and still is, and it wasn't/isn't necessarily a priority to take care of right away. Not that it was tasking to say the least but sometimes ya just need some space, you know?! Granted, I do sound like a bitch - I did have good intentions...

Her: I hate allll my friends :(
Me: Excuse me?
Her: They all suck. Lol I miss good quality friends.
Me: Are you drunk? I really don't understand what you're getting at.
Her: No. I'm not. I was just saying I miss good friends. You were a good friend.
Me: No, [insert name here]. I was a good date. And unfortunately that's where we differ. See, I have amazing friends. Just not great dating potential.
Her: You were a good date. I just didn't want to be inappropriate by saying that. The timing sucked so bad for us. I regret my bad behavior every day.
Me: Thanks but it's kinda too late for that. Get some rest. Goodnight!
Her: I was apologizing for bad behavior not asking for another chance. I'd just like to be friends. Goodnight.
Me: Regardless, you should've apologized when it happened. Not after the fact when I've moved on.
Her: Agreed. You deserve the best. Sorry for bothering you.
Me: I do. And I believe I will get the best one day. And so will you. Take care.

I was being honest. And as much as I did sound like a cunt scab, I meant what I said. I do believe that we both deserve the best that life can give, it's just not with each other. Accepted and understood.

Sometimes being a little brash is the only way I can get my point across. Again, tolerating bullshit is becoming minimal as I age. IT'S DA TRUF! I honestly can't be bothered by it especially when I've got my own shit to deal with.

In order to be in the empire right state of mind, I need to take care of ME first. So I can't really blame anyone if they don't wanna see me, hang with me, tweet me, text me, kiss me, wink me, poke me, kick me, punch me for the time being. So I guess when I ask for the same, I'd be appreciative.

All in all, how much is it to ask for honesty?! No matter whether you wanna hear it or not, you're better off with the truth. As I've read in a Thought Catalog article by one of my fave bitches, Ryan O'Connell, "you're better off knowing someone's true colors than not. Understand that people can be really crappy will take you far in life." So celebrate National Honesty Day (or what's left of it) with much enthusiasm!!!

Cheers, y'all. I am drinking beer currently. But this does not affect my ability to clear-headedly blog, thank you very much. I'm being honest.

On Crying

Crying. People do it. Animals do it. Clouds do it. Don't argue with me.

I cry for a lot of different reasons - when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when music just hits me, when reality sets in, when I fall (figuratively and literally), when I'm overwhelmed, you know...basically whenever. Not saying that I cry on cue. I'm not an actress. Don't argue with me.

Here are some incidents when I've cried for different reasons (yayyy story timez)...

Happy: when I won my first gold medal in crew freshmen year. We were in an 8 boat and it was the first race of the spring season. We put in the work all winter long, we welcomed new rowers into the boat when others quit, and being in a boat with 8 other girls (coxswain included), we butt heads at times. Although we only were in a race with a boat from Fordham, we were a tad bit worried because in the fall season the same boat beat us with ease. With heads looking forward, we left the start almost immediately as the official yelled, "Attention row!" It seemed like the other boat didn't even try but I remember we all put in 100%. It was our first time racing together in this line-up and it was also our coxswain's (love you, Tor) first time...coxing (sp?). After we crossed the finish line, I sighed this sigh of relief and kind of, to myself, started to whimper for a good minute. A dry cry I guess this was. I don't know, I just remember being overcome with emotion. Everyone in the boat was screaming with excitement whilst huffing and puffing after an 8-minute sprint. Although it was one of only two gold medals in my entire rowing career, it was still amazing to know of what I, and my crew, were capable of doing. Get ittttt.

Sad: Okay, so this isn't the only time I've cried when I was sad. But at one point or another, everyone who lives in New York City, has to have had a New York Street Cry. I've had many a NYSC (I'd say about 3 or 4) and it's usually because I'm...sad. One instance where I had a NYSC was when I was dating someone last winter. I felt like I was being pushed and pulled like a cat damn ragdoll, someone's play thing. I was on the Upper East Side hanging out at a bar that one of my friends worked at. I hung out there and then decided to leave. I didn't get a text back from the person I was seeing so I left and decided to walk thirty blocks back to Grand Central. I needed the walk. And on this walk I cried. At one point I even called two of friends. When I was on the phone I even pulled out my phone charger and found an outlet on a corner and stood there charging my phone and crying. Wahhhhh, why me?! What the fuck! Why are people so mean?!?!?! etc. etc. Yes, people walked by and stared and probably thought, "Jesus Christ this bitch is wastedddd." But I wasn't. I was just sad and having my street cry. Don't judge.

Shocked: The first time I lost someone really close to me was in March 2011 when my Mommom passed away. At first it seemed like a total blur. I knocked on Gi's door and gave her my phone and asked her what it all meant. I was shaking and I started to cry and she held me because she knew what it meant. "Call your mom. And I'll tell MK you're not going to your internship," she told me as I calmed down. It was also my parents' wedding anniversary, which made it seem worse. I called my mom's cell phone and my dad picked up. I could hear his voice shaking - they were on their way down to slower, lower Delaware to the hospital where Mommom was staying. He told me not to drive home until the day after because he was worried I wouldn't be able to drive being in such a state. I remember making an emotional online purchase - Katy Perry black shatter nail polish and three other colors along with it. My friend Tori slept over that night and twin brother* Brizz came over that night and we all hung out. The shock of losing my Mommom didn't sink in for a few months after that.
*brother in a figurative sense. We share the same birthday. I like it. 

Overwhelmed: College senioritis. Need I say more? Hunting for a job, finishing up a 20+ page senior thesis, figuring out my next move, finding a dress for formal, scraping the pennies out of my wallet, running on coffee and adderall, realizing that being an adult will not be as fun as going to class in sweatpants*, and still hunting for a job. (Well not anymore. I mean, I got one the day before I graduated. Talk about being down to the wire).
*I didn't wear them to class ALL the time, but there were definitely comfy on those hung over dayz. 

Funny: This is the best kind of cry. Two weeks ago I came home from work, where I spent the day on this site and this site, and looked at some more GIFs. These things literally make me drool from laughing so hard. Yeah, I drool if something is absolutely, mind-blowingly funny. Don't argue with me. Oh, and I like to watch America's Funniest Home Videos. GAHHHHH I'm alive! I love to fucking laugh-cry!

Indifferent: This one is still fuzzy. But I guess this relates to those times where you just. need. to. cry. You need to let out a few sobs and wet shit come out of your face (snot included) and just go H.A.M. at it. I turned 23 a few weeks ago and when I woke up I felt like it was like any ordinary Wednesday. When I woke up initially I completely forgot that it was my birthday. Then I checked my phone to receive all of those happy birthday texts and voicemails. I smiled but for some reason I felt somber. I didn't know why. I was quiet and calm as I drove to the gym. I ran and did my ordinary routine and then jumped into the shower in the locker room. No one is ever there when I work out in the morning so I had full reign to have a sob fest alone. I was about to put shampoo in my hair and as I was scrub-a-dub-dubbin' I broke down. My fingers tangled in my hair, I just started to bawl. And I don't. know. why. I didn't feel any older. Nothing new was going on in my life (well, I mean, shit I don't know). This went on for about three minutes. By the time I got out of the shower I felt a lot better. I was welcomed to a decorated cubicle compliments of my boss and a Honey Badger t-shirt. Good day.

Music: I can't listen to Jon McLaughlin's "Beautiful Disaster." I just can't.

All in all, people cry. It's normal. It happens for a lot of different reasons, more than the ones I've mentioned above. You do it and it stops. Until it happens again. It's not bad to cry. Don't argue with me.

Real You (Lil B vs Gold Panda)

As some of you already know, music saves me. It literallyyyy saves me. When I feel down, I listen to something to pick me up (or make me feel even worse, depending on my mood). Any emotion one could fathom, there's a song for that. Think of that Apple commerical, "...there's an app for that"; it's the perfect way of describing music (holla at me, iTunes, I'm promoting Apple on my blog!).

I had this song on my iPod for more than a year but I didn't really listen to it until last Monday when I went to the city. I'm not one to jizz over hip-hop and rap a lot but this mash-up was on point. And I think it's because the song, er, rap (?) told a story. A very chilling story. Right when Lil B started "spittin' dem beatz" I was like, "ohhh shit," on the train. For real, you should've seen my face - it was a look of surprise and excitement. I think the conductor looked at me funny. Whatever!

Although I can't relate to the entirety of this song, I absolutely love it.Compliments of The Hood Internet. The lyrics are below...

I know your mom died and I feel your pain
That’s why I’m sitting in the dark sparking up this flame
And you lost your dad, too
And he’s still a soldier
Please don’t let the grind stop
Know that life ain’t over
Seeing you cry some nights
With your head down
Hurt my heart like a stroke
That you go and fed now
Don’t let the pain crush your mind
And yourself, man
I’mma hold you down for real
It just crossed my mind
How the days pass when you’re not looking
But a death in your family got all the pictures crooked
Plus your grandma and your grandpa

Life is too short to be living with your head hung

Keep it up

Keep your head up

Brother didn’t snitch
And he took that bid
He didn’t know what time was
Till he took that bid
Just look him in his eyes
Said two plus ten
I ain’t know what math was
But that’s two plus ten
No one asked why he felt that pain
Why he got so mad
Loaded up and cocked that back
Didn’t ask why he hit those licks
His whole family dying
Plus he scared that the drugs don’t mix
And he mad that the drugs exist
Whole family apart ‘cause the buzz is it
And they rather get high than to hug their kids
Man, I look him in his eyes and he hate that shit
I did this for you, brother
And everything is good
Someone love you
Lady from the hood
Swear she got no answer
Gotta raise three kids
But she got breast cancer
And we know rent due when the bank won’t answer
Wanna move out the hood and defeat that cancer
I ask how she stay on her feet like dancers
How she keep on adding paint to a life-size canvas

She told me every day that you must take chances

If you’re living in the past then there’s no enhancements

She said life’s hard but the dreams do matter

Only way to read books is if you move through chapters

She said spread love off pain and promise
And she died the next day
That’s what made me honest

It’s real life

Take everybody like they’re a million dollars
You never know
Girl Seventeen got to fix her posture
Always getting beat down by her deadbeat father
He’d say nice things
But it’d be so awkward
When he’d drink alcohol
Then he’d slap her mama
Now Girl Seventeen
Call men imposters
What he did to her mind caused way more drama
She walked out the house
Said no more drama
Had to fend for herself
So she stayed with partners
She met a nice dude and his name was Seante
And he ran a little game and proceed to boss her
Because she want a man nothing like her father
She would do anything for a dude that bothered
Seante made her start having sex for dollars
And it really hurt my heart every time I saw her
Deep down inside all she want is a father

So I never judge a book by its cover

Girl Seventeen having sex for hours
Staying up long nights
Even missed a shower
Had to deal with the pain off pills and powder
Taking long drives home on the road for hours
Sex with many men
Even dealt with cowards
Wouldn’t put the condom on
‘Cause he felt the power
Seante got sick, had to call the doctor
Said he didn’t feel well and his head was nauseous
Girl Seventeen, started to get real cautious
‘Cause Seante never said what was in that office
Seante came home looking like he lost it
So Girl Seventeen went to kiss him
He said, “Don’t touch me, I’m HIV positive”
Just make sure you use condoms
And never judge a book by its cover
That’s why, when I look at people now

I don’t know what they’re going through

You don’t know what anybody’s going through

So you gotta respect it.

Neglectful

At the present moment, I feel like that one time when my mom and I didn't know where my dad went for hours on end in the middle of the night years ago. He was never good at lying and from an early age I knew well enough what an alcoholic was. But my dad wasn't the best at seeing through his goals and more times than not he would relapse. Great...here we go again, I'd think to myself. But my mom was the more rational one out of the two of us. In laymen's terms, she knew he was a fuck up and 'change' wasn't in his vocabulary.

But that one night, when I was a sophomore in college home for winter break, he said he had to go out and that he'd, "be right back." Bullshit. He left around 9pm Friday evening and came back around 3pm the next day. At this point, we knew where he was and what he was doing, that was no surprise. The scary part was his phone was turned off all night. After numerous calls from my mother and I, we really had no idea how to get a hold of someone who said he'd, "be right back."*

*And I think that's why I'm so cynical these days - someone can easily say one thing and do the complete opposite. No one is ever entitled to stay when you want them to. There is no "be right back." It means absolutely nothing to me.

Part of me knew he would eventually show up but I still couldn't help but think, "what if". After endless attempts of reaching his voice mail, I finally heard a ringer on the other end of the line I was calling. He picked up and was "greeted" by the angriest nineteen year-old God has graced on this earth. I screamed, I shouted, I didn't let him get a single word in. I was crying frantically and forgot to breathe. My mom heard the cacophony from my room and ran upstairs, "Is he there?!".

"I-I know. I know. I-I'm coming home right now," he said like a teenager who broke curfew. He hung up on me while I was in the middle of my "breakdown." I mean, who wouldn't, right?

That feeling of relief and anger came over me, I didn't really know what to do with myself. I wanted to punch a wall but that would be too expensive to fix. So I cried for a good minute or two before my mother and I gathered ourselves and sat on the couch downstairs like two angry parents waiting for their irresponsible slut of a daughter to come home after prom. Yeah, at this point I'd consider myself the parent and my dad the slutty prom queen. He probably got so shitfaced he forgot to bring his crown home. Tear, tear.

We heard the front door open and he slowly walked up the stairs. His hair, let me know tell you, was a style I've never seen him sport before. It wasn't even stylish! It was disheveled. Justin Bieber wasn't that popular back then but I don't think even he would rock that do. I could tell he was afraid to approach us. He knew he had some 'esplainin to do, ese.' I don't think I've ever seen my dad that embarrassed before. He sat down on the couch far away from my mom and looked down the entire time.

I wasted no time before I ripped him a new one. Nineteen years of pent up anger and frustration came out of my mouth that afternoon. Good thing there was an overcast outside because I think being angry on a sunny day is unproductive. Thinking back to what I said, I can't really remember anything except that I told him that everything I do from now on is only for my mother because she busted her ass for the both of us. I also remember telling him that he's lost 100% of my trust and gaining it back will be a hundred times harder. He nodded in agreement and took in everything I said. He didn't have anything to say back to me. He didn't even turn red with anger after I yelled at him (which I knew my mom was probably nervous about because both her and I knew the shit that came out of my mouth could have set him off like a bull in a china shop). That was the first and only time since then that I've ever yelled at my dad like a parent.

The moral of the story is this - it's been a long while since I've written here. I originally created this blog almost two years ago to channel my final year of college and the ups and downs and trials and triumphs of being a senior. After college, it became more of a #postgradproblems type of blog, channeling my life after college and all of the fucked up bullshit (and good times as well) my life consisted of. And now I feel like how my dad did when he came home that one afternoon. As if my blog is standing there with its arms crossed asking me, "Where the fuh have you been?!"

I've been neglectful.

I've neglected this journal for a long time. It used to be my solace, something I'd turn to when I had no idea who to talk to, or when I didn't want to burden anyone with how I was feeling. And I think when you're so consumed by something or someone else you begin to forget who you are and what you used to do or be. I think the last time I wrote was the beginning of March. I was happy, excited, and optimistic but also sad, frustrated, and really confused. I guess I still am but I guess after writing for the first time in a long time, I'm hoping that all of these emotions will finally unravel into a healthier outlet like this blog. I'm happy to be back. But I've got lots and lots of esplainin' to do, ese.