Buy My Love

Why I didn't know who Wynter Gordon was before, I have no idea. But while my roommate and I were trapped indoors during the torrential snow fall and also because we opted-out of going to the city Saturday night dressed as scantily clad peacocks (I'm kinda sad we never got to fly), we read some good ol' fashion Thought Catalog! And for being a minimally-designed blog, I couldn't help but notice the latest Victoria's Secret video ad on the side. Half-naked models dancing around and laughing about how their boobs can look bigger than they usually are? Coot. I guess. But Wynter Gordon's song was playing in the background and I liked it :)

You're probably more familiar with her song featuring David Guetta called "Dirty Talk."
Here's the trollopey ad...
Let us dance in our undies because we are skinny bitches.

What goes through my head during a massage and facial.

Oh, wow it's really nice in here. Oh, cool! Magazines. Blah, blah, blah, ugh what the hell I just want my massage. Nah, I don't want anything to drink I'm okay. Haha this masseuse has an accent and a lot of makeup on. Her face is spotless. Wow. Umm is she gonna like let me strip in privacy? Go away now, leave me be while I get nekkedddd for this blissful experience. Oooh this bed thing is pretty cushy. I can't really breathe properly with my face in this hole. Hahaha "in this hole." So foul. Oh, here she comes. Yep, I'm ready, lather me up in oil. I hope your hands aren't cold. Oh, that feels nice. Mmm. Okay, you can go a little harder - I like it rough. No really, I do. What the hell? Swedish massage? Yeah, whatever, that's fine I just want you to really massage the shit out of my used up body. My body is aching and my muscles are sore. It's been a while since I got a massage. I do a lot of yoga and I run too. I'm fucking sore, bitch! Hurt me! Ugh, I need to go back to Bali. This massage oil smells like shit. But she smells kinda good. I wonder what she's wearing.

K, your hands are getting a liiiiiittle too close to my nether region. Whoahhh. Oh, I'm supposed to flip over. Okay. Shit. Don't looooookie. Ugh. Huff. Goodness I'm tired from turning onto my back. Ps: I'm hungry. Wow I didn't notice the decor of this room. But like can we put at least a dimmed light? It's kinda dark in here - that makes me feel sketched out. Am I gonna die? The ceiling is clean. Oh, that's nice wall decor! Wow that mirror is funky looking. Eww, I feel weird turned on my back. Don't make eye contact. Eh, I can feel her eyes on me. Just keeping looking at the ceiling. I'm getting so fucking tired. I wanna close my eyes but that feels weird. I can see up her nose. Lemme just stare at this one corner of the ceiling. Oh, other side okay cool. Good, because this is getting awkward. Hmm what should I do after? I definitely don't wanna stay around New Gross. It's kinda nice out maybe I can go to the city? Hmm Williamsburg on a Saturday afternoon, that sounds promising. I should do more yoga. Oh! Tummy rumbles. Hungah pains. Games. Shames. Lames. Cranes. Trains. Plains. Planes. Plantains...Oh, are we done? Oh, right the facial. Got it. Okay, no I'm fine I'm not thirsty. I'm hungry. Where the fuck are some lotus spa flowery foods? Can I at least get a mint?! Some bee pollen?! That's healthy right? Nice, some silence. Mmm I can close my eyes while she's gone.

Oh, you're back. Ugh great. I'm kinda nervous about this facial thing. I've never gotten one and I don't want you scraping my face off or burning my skin with acidic solutions that melt my pretty face away. Ok, well I do use moisturizer everyday after I shower. Oh, oily huh? Hmm, yeah I don't use a toner. Yeah, I don't use a scrub either. Nope, just soap and water but it's that cool acne/blemish fighting soap by Aveeno. It dries my skin out. Oh...yeah, well I don't have money for that kind of regimen. Okay, thanks for the advice. I'm still gonna use my moisturizer. Okay, so you're gonna mummy-wrap my face first? Interesting. Umm it's tough to breathe but no worries. Beauty is pain right? This steam is making it really hard to breathe. Why is my back kind of sweaty? Great, I'm in a cold sweat right now. Perfect. No cucumbers? Dammit, so it's not gonna be like it is in the movies. Then what the hell am I paying for? Ten minutes?! Ten minutes with this steam shit and mummy mask on? Oh, c'mon I'm hungry! Fine, go leave the room. I don't need this. I wonder how Marykate is enjoying her spa thing. I bet her spa lady gave her treats. What a bitch. My butt itches. Huff, much better.

Oh, thank Godddd you're back, I'm getting antsy and claustrophobic in this mask thing. Wow, my face feels rejuvenated already. Is it still on? How do I look? Hmm this is creamy and lotioney. Oh, this is nice...ah! a little cold. Yeah, you rub that shit into my face. Oh, umm what is that? What are you doing to my face? No, seriously what the fuck are you rubbing on my face?! It's like a mini-metal detector you keep rubbing over my skin. Ouch! It zaps! Are you hunting for gold or something? Not on this beach, bitch. Stop that. It actually felt kinda cool. Okay, do it again! Ohhh, now this is scrubby and rough. Nice, I'm assuming it's a scrub. Try not to scrub my tan off. I tan really well during the summer. You're so gentle when you wipe that shit off. I just wanna keep moving my face. It felt trapped for a while.

Ohh, you call it extracting blackheads. Ha. More like poppin' zits to me! Yeah, my nose is a problem area. Ouch. Umm okay, Jesus that kinda hurts. Now, you're just trying to pop baby ones that haven't hatched yet. Okay, seriously is this almost over? I wanna go home and eat something. Oh, you found the mother ship. Yeah, that shit ain't gonna stop. Streaming white head right there. That one I don't bother touching anymore, it just won't go away. Wowwww, I can already feel myself bruising. Jesus, why won't it stop?! Did you get it all? Okay, good. Oh, great another cream. This one smells better than that other shit. Hoofta. Mmm, make sure to get under my chin. Yup, you got it! Yeah, thank you thank you thank you. No go away and let me meditate slash put my clothes back on.

Mmmmm I love a nice stretch. I feel good! Where the hell did she put my clothes? Oh, there they are. It's chilly in here. This mirror has like forty hundred baby mirrors in it. How the hell can I see my new face? Oh, there it is. Yeah, she definitely is gonna leave a bruise after killing the mother ship on the side of my face. Definitely need cover up. Oh, she's texting hahaha. Losah. Thanks so much! Oh, yeah I'll take your card. I don't plan on ever coming back though if I have to pay full price. This was a Groupon gig I hope you know that. Yeah, sorry.

YOUUUU FINE PIECE O'AZZZZ

This guy...Yeah, for sure. If you know what I mean. What a beauty. Stunning. Hottie with a body. Lordy, he's slammin'. Meet Dudley O'Shaughnessy. English-bred boxer, model, actor. If you recognize him, it's probably because he was Rihanna's slam piece in her recent debuted "We Found Love" music video. He used to be a boxer before being scou'ed (scouted...the way he says it in the interview below is so presh). He's now with Next Model Management...ballin'.

Interview with Dudle O'Shaughnessy

An interview with Dudley O'Shaughnessy from Cecilie Harris on Vimeo.

Shake It Out...Woah

Amazing...I CANNOT wait for this to drop next week. I pre-ordered the album.
Shake It Out - Florence + the Machine


Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

And our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back

So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a final mess but it's left me so empty
It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh woah, oh woah...

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

Strings + Needles

My friend Bubba posted this on my wall knowing I would like it. She knows me all too well :)
Can someone please Please PLEASE get them to perform for my birthday. This is probably going to be my one and only "Super Sweet 16" request. Well, if not for my birthday, than at least let me know when and where they are performing near the NYC area. Who thought a violinist and dj would work so well together? This shit is #boss...


DJ Mia Moretti & Caitlin Moe

I said 'Sure.'

If you're ever in need of a good laugh just watch this clip from one of da breast movies I've seen of all time. Comedic genius...sure.
Bridesmaids (2011) tattoo scene...sure.

I know her!

Can't help but re-tweet via blog post. A good friend of mine was featured in the campaign video for Lanvin's Fall & Winter 2011 Collection back during Fashion Week. The video featured sweet dance moves by New Yorkers all around. I don't want to embarrass her entirely but she's in the beginning somewhere with a friend.


NYFW Spring 2012 from David Sherwin on Vimeo.
RTT

Music Video Madness!

I've been meaning to post these vids that I ABSOLUTELY LURVE until I realized Rihanna's new music video for "We Found Love" (featuring the amazing Calvin Harris #marrymeplease) came out. These songs are good too - I wouldn't be posting epic visual and auditory sauce on my blog if they didn't appeal to those senses. All these songs have been on my iPod for a while but I never knew they were visually appealing until now. Pandora should play music videos in the future.

In no particular order:

1. Love Lost / The Temper Trap


2. Settle Down / Kimbra


3. I Follow Rivers / Lykke Li


4. We Found Love / Rihanna (feat. Calvin Harris)


5. Lisztomania / Phoenix*
*Okay, so this last one isn't an "official" video but it's a great mashup video using scenes from the BEST 80s movies ever to a great song by an awesome French band that I have yet to still see live. My birthday is in the beginning of April if anyone would like birfday gift ideas for me ;)

Bliss Cafe

I'm not sure if I already went over my frequenting trips to Williamsburg. It's the obscure section of BK where hipsters reside. And I'm completely okay with that. In fact, it's cleaner than L.E.S. (less rats, you know), and not polluted with a strip of sushi joints. There's only so much rice and fish I could take. All in all, Williamsburg is the tits and if the inhabitants are the reason for not visiting, then you're a butthead.

A few weeks ago I went to this vegan place fo' dinnah called Bliss Cafe. It's cute, low-key and the front door was outlined in bright green paint so it wasn't hard to find on Bedford Ave. All menu items are vegetarian/vegan-friendly. For a place that serves healthy eats, I'd say my Bliss Bowl was pretty scrumptious - I got my dose of all the essential food groups: carbs (brown rice & sweet potatoes), protein (tofu & beans), and veggies (seaweed, mixed veggies, and kale). Oh, and carrot/ginger dressing...Mmmm.

Bliss Bowl goodness.

Dishes are reasonable in price, the place is open fairly late, they deliver and you can BYOB. #AWESOME. If you refer to my earlier post from a month ago, you'll see why I chose to hit up this vegan eatery.

I did NOT pay her to pose.

This picture is just to prove that I don't eat alone...vegans do exist.

Life isn't exactly like the movies but my goodness this is so true...

I haven't seen The Holiday yet but my roommate Gianna told me about this speech Kate Winslet made in the movie. Movies come attached with this gray area - life isn't like the movies but at the same time, we all experience similar situations and think to ourselves, "Ugh that's so fucking true!" And then we get mad when things actually turn out well because in actuality, that doesn't normally happen that easy nor does it happen to us a majority of the time. We don't get by that easy. But my point is this: these lines that Winslet says are borderline tear-jerking because I feel that we've all been there. And if you haven't, you certainly will feel this feeling at least once in your life. Her words will prepare you. And maybe make you tear up like they did to me.


So true

Kombu-wha???

I've been drinking this stuff for a few a weeks now. It has an acquired taste and an interesting story behind it. It can be known as a fad, a healthful beverage, or something that is not always safe to drink.

Kombucha (according to Wikipedia): a tea-based beverage that is often drunk for its anecdotal health benefits or medicinal purposes. Kombucha is available commercially and can be made at home by fermenting tea using a visible, solid mass of yeast and bacteria which forms the kombucha culture, often referred to as the "mushroom" or the "mother."

Synergy brand is a popular Kombucha drink company

The word that I noticed the most out of this definition was 'anecdotal' not because it sounds neat and uber intelligent but because that's how I view kombucha. From what I've "researched" on this beverage, there isn't much evidence that would have me come to the conclusion that it's a healthful and beneficial drink. Although it does come with warnings, especially for those who want to brew up a batch of their own, I still drink it.

I tell my friends it's like revitalizing stomach acid and although it has an acquired taste, I try to reassure myself that I'm doing something good for my body despite what the critics may say about a drink that smells like vinegar and is hard to chug*
*critics being myself.

A brief history lesson - the drink dates back to 19th century Russia and people in China and Japan have been drinking it for a long time. Done. See, I told you it'd be brief. Kombucha is a pro-biotic drink, meaning it contains good bacteria that help the body fight off bad bacteria. It also contains B vitamins, alcohol ( a veryy insignificant amount although the first time I drank kombucha I felt very floaty at work), and a lot of acid (amino, gluconic, lactic, and blah blah blah).

Pro-kombuchites claim that the drink helps with eyesight, aids in digestion, improves energy levels, prevents aging, and aids in cancer recovery (the last one I beg to differ with). There are other claims that it helps detoxify the liver but again, none of these studies have been proven on humans and if these studies existed (which they probably do) a definite answer hasn't been found yet.

With every food or beverage, there comes a precaution. My roommate Gianna sent me a picture message of a brief article she found in a magazine (not sure which one) but it stated the following:
Mark Moyad, M.D. says the drink may be risky: "It's very acidic, which could be a problem if your liver or kidneys aren't filtering properly. And if your immune system isn't up to speed, as in the case of a cancer or AIDS patient, the yeast and bacteria could be dangerous." Shit. Talk about a kidney infection.

I have to admit it's a bit pricey, ranging anywhere between $3-5. The floaty-like feeling I get wouldn't necessarily be worth that much but hey, it's cheaper than most alcohols. Even Lindsay Lohan likes it.

Funny story: My boss was having a bad day and on my lunch break I went to Whole Foods Market. I saw that GT's Kombucha was on sale 2 for $4. So I got myself one and my boss one thinking it'd uplift her spirits and all that good shit. She was out to lunch when I came back so I put it on her desk. It hadn't occurred to me to research before I placed it on her desk. And of course, different sites were telling me it's bad for pregnant women, it can cause this and that and maybe that if drunk too much. And it's fermented, meaning, "Oh hey, alcohol, glad you made it to the party!" Yah. I potentially could've been drinking in the office, on the job, and may have given my boss some alcohol too. Ugh, oops, I thought. But she came to see me later on in the day and said, "I don't know what you gave me, but this stuff is so good."

DC Trip Recapage

A little VERY overdue but about four weekends ago, the biffle nugg and I headed down south to the Nation's capital ("where we murder for capital!") to see our friends from study abroad Mary & Margaret. Although it was a short visit, it was much needed. Seeing two of some of the most amazing people I've met and became such good friends with in a span of four and a half months in a far away country is something I will always hold near and dear to that space where my heart is supposed to be. Haha just kidding, I am a good-hearted person...most of the time.

I don't know how to go about sharing this adventure considering it was so long ago so I'll quickly recap:

• A shit ton of traffic heading to Jersey City where the BN currently resides. Why, oh why, did I opt for the Henry Hudson instead of the GWB, I'll never know. Fuck you, GPS.
• Her new digs are nice. The area, not so much. But I'm sure Jersey City has its hideaway nice areas. But seriously, the kids getting out of high school and running all over the narrow streets made getting to her a place a nightmare. Let's just say I locked my doors.
• She lives with 3 cats...how adorable. No, but seriously, they are so coot!
• The drive down to DC was great. We chatted, which made the ride seem to go by. Listened to Nicki Minaj & David Guetta. Aaaand there was no traffic! Even better.
• We stayed at Margaret's place, which was awesome and so nice! And then we met up with Mary and headed to The Front Page, a nice bar in the DuPont Circle area.

Reunited. Such a great weekend :)

• Woke up slightly hungover and headed to brunch a place called Scion, on the corner of P Street and 21st. Three words: Bottomless Bloody Mary's, which is what we did and by 2pm I was "ready" to walk around DC. 
• We walked aimlessly in the DC sunshine, found a Caribou in DC! Coffee goodness from the heart of the Midwest; the BN got me hooked when I visited her a few summers ago in Minneapolis. 

• I wasn't feeling so downtrodden after my Hazelnut Northern Lite Iced Coffee :) We head to Dangerously Delicious Pies. The outside of it reminded me Williamsburg, BK. The inside played Arcade Fire and was laid back and quiet. The seats had pies and crossbones sprayed painted on them. This place served not only sweet pies but savory ones as well like quiches and pot pies. I helped myself to a slice called the Baltimore Bomb - vanilla, shortbread, buttermilk, and fudge. So bad but so good at the same time. If I had to die, this would probably the best way to do it, right? Oh, and I'm glad I got to try this before I decided to stop eating dairy. 

AMAZINGGGG

• After a nice nap, Margs, BN & I hit up Chinatown for dinner and saw the Basilica near CUA and the Capitol. We also came across a Rita's! So the BN got to try one of the amazing eats I get back in Delaware. It's Italian Water Ice. So good. 
• The BN and I left early the next morning and headed back to the Empire State. Ugh. Considering it was September 11th and the ten-year anniversary of the Towers falling, no one was on the road. Except for cops. In total I saw 25 cop cars on the road. And I nearly cried driving over the GWB. All in all, it was an epic weekend in such a beautiful city. I hope to go back soon to see my lovely fwiends :)

What's so sad...

I'm trying this new thing where I steer away from things that make me feel shitty. And hanging out with you is probably not a good idea because you make me feel shitty.

What's so sad is that I enjoy your company and I know you enjoy mine. I see the way you laugh at my jokes and commentary. I mean, why else would you be filming me on your iPhone and constantly take pictures of me when we walk around town. It's the after-effects that make me feel like the crap.

What's so sad is that I know this shitty feeling is going to happen. I know how things will end and I know how I'll feel the next day. As if I know your every move and by now, I think I do. And I keep letting myself feel this way. Whether you're doing this unintentionally or out of pleasure, you treat me like dog shit. You really do. Hell, you would probably whip out your iPhone and film a dog eating me (the shit) after he shits me out. Gross, I know. But now you know that you're capable of making someone feel very low and bad about their self. And you do that to me. I let you do that to me. Relating to drugs, highs don't last forever. And when I'm with you, I feel...high. I'm fine. I feel good. But after you brush me under the rug, put me back in the cupboard, save me for a rainy day*, that's it. You're done. You've finished what you felt you had to do with me and now you're stowing me away until you decide when you'd like to see me again. And fine, maybe it's usually after I tell you I'm around, I'm not busy, I want to see you. And okay, I'll give you some credit, you ask me what I'm doing but never fully ask anything more from me. You don't want to be the vulnerable one. You leave that up to me. Maybe no one is around to entertain you. So you find me in a recycling bin, like the disposable friend that I am to you, and put on your friendly pants and take me for a walk.
*What's weird is that every time I see you, it's raining.

What's so sad is that you used to not act like that. You were different. You were something I'd like to call nice. And now you play. You toss aside. You laugh not with me but at me. You hurt. I feel like a charity case after we hang out. As if you've done your good deed for the day, and then poof, I'm out of sight, out of mind, out of your bubble of people worthy enough for a response. Because both you and I know I'm not. I'm just somebody that you used to know.

What's so sad is that this excuse I'm making - this constant apology to myself for acting dumb - isn't going to slide. After awhile, I'll start to realize that change needs to start somewhere. I need to change. I need to let go. You see, what's happening is this - I'm holding onto the good times, the nice you, and I'm hoping that you have the potential of returning to that part of you. But I'm not you and I'm also not a genie that can make you change into what I want you to be (although asking for someone to be a little nicer isn't much, right?). I enjoy the idea of you, like that Dave Matthews song. But I know that's not realistic. It's an idea. You're an idea. That's it. Unless, and until, you want to change then keep doing what you're doing - ignore me, laugh at me, play with me, lie to me, ignore me some more. Because I'm not going to try. I can't try anymore. I can't force things to happen. I need to wake up. The good times are over. No more Mr. Nice Spice.

You're sad.

I thought what I wrote on someone's wall was blog-worthy...

I'm in one of those moods. Blah moods, as I say. I'm spending my lunch break blogging since I haven't done so in a while. I'm also looking at shoes, places to start doing some more yoga (crane pose here I come!), and creeping on Facebook (c'mon, we all do it).

Two of my good Portlander friends from study abroad, Jenny and Jessi, will be running the Portland marathon this coming Columbus Day weekend. I was suuuupoooosed to go to Portland this weekend but due to my lack of funds and monetary responsibility* I have to put this trip on hold.
*spending $200 on Urbanoutfitters.com & Forever21.com is not okay. Neither is $100 at Target. #ashamed.

While in this blahh mood that I'm in, I wrote this on Jessi's wall:

"After the marathon, I suggest you run to the east coast. It's getting cold here and I'm getting cranky and I kind of need you to brighten my day while the leaves turn and I'm stuck in a cubicle until 5pm, only being able to save the world at night time like Batman. But in my case, it would be like Catwoman. Meow ♥  

You can be Robin or like a sidekick gerbil. I don't know if Catwoman comes equipped with a sidekick. She's probably too good for one. But yeah, I'll take a gerbil." 

I'm pretty funny. I plan on going to Whole Foods after work today. There's a sale on vegan frozen dinners and I want to try them. 

So more about being locked out for 5 hours...

Hello! Last Tuesday deemed to be one of the #worstdaysever this season. Wow, I say it like I'm a hit television show. That won't be for a while although I do have plans in the making.

As you know (if you've read last post), I was with my friend Tori while she dog/house-sitted for a semi-celeb/do-gooder last week. I stayed with her a few nights considering house-sitting isn't all that exciting if done alone. And besides, I've been there before, tolerated the dog enough to say, "Yeah, I'm down to not live in my own house for a week and use someone else's toilet."

Tori had to work late filming (yeah, she works in tha bizzzzz) and told me to let the dog out when I got home. However, the back sliding door to the deck is tricky - one must take off this piece of wood to open it. The wood serves as a sort of "lock" since the door itself is umm..."under construction." Easy peasy right? Well, not quite. I got home to see Buddy, the rambunctious Cockapoo sitting on the couch staring at me. He got up with excitement and came over and started jumping on me and all that annoying shit. He even trickled a little piss out, he was that excited. Ugh.

After being in traffic for an hour, I bought two bottles of wine before getting to the house. I locked the front door behind me, set everything down, tended to the pee on the floor and let Buddy out to I guess pee some more if he didn't already get it all over the kitchen floor. I cleaned it, of course #duh. I thought I'd hang out with Buddy on the deck for a bit while he did his thing and THOUGHT I didn't close the sliding door behind me all the way. Well, remember that said piece of wood? Yah, well it fell. And the door couldn't be opened. Not even a smidge for me to get my fingers through and try to umm, not be able to do anything. FML, I thought. I was locked out with a dog, no keys, no phone, no jacket (it was windy and cloudy), and no food. What the fuck.

I tried going around the house to see if any windows were left unlocked. Nil. The back door locked, the front door locked (thanks to me), and the garage door opener was broken. Cool. I remember the last thing Tori texted me was that two of the guests had to be flown back for being sick or something so there was a slight possibility of her coming home a little early. Okay, great...she'd be home before 8pm, so maybe we'll just chill out here (literally). Yeah, it sucked because it was 6pm, then 7, 830, and 930 rolls around and after chasing Buddy around the yard, yelling at him to come back to the deck, telling him to shut the fuh up when he barked at the slightest noise, and having a crying sesh, I decide it's time to ask for help.

You're probably thinking, "What the hell kind of dumb idiot are you for not asking for help in the first place?!" Well, here is my reasoning: I'm not the one assigned to dog/house sit for these people. I'm merely staying with the person who is assigned that duty. So I'm not technically affiliated with the house, the dog, the family, etc. It would be strange for me to say, "Hi, uhh my friend is house-sitting for them and I got locked out." Get it? And I'm sure they've seen my friend on numerous occasions house-sitting at that house so they'd probably think what is this weird half-asian, confused-looking chick doing with a cockapoo outside a house that's not hers?

I finally got help - the neighbor across the street was smoking a cigarette on his porch. I used his iPhone (since he didn't have a phone book like ordinary people would) and was able to pull up my friend's house number (Spokeo.com is creeepyyyy). Her mom answered, "Oh thank God! We were all worried about you because you weren't answering your phone! Tori was having a fit. She's on her way there now!" Tori came home, kinda gave me this smile that said, "What the fuck did you do?/Only this would happen to you" type of smile. "I was going 90 on 287," she said. We laughed, we hugged, we were both relieved that I wasn't dead or struggling by myself with a dog and no way into a house.

However, trying to open the front door was no laughing matter. The dead bolt was stuck. For two hours we tried to open the front door. She had the key and everything. Even her mom ended up coming over. The dog and I still hadn't eaten and it was barking up a storm at every car driving through the neighborhood. So annoying. Tori's mom had to bounce to go pick up her cousin from the bus stop, leaving Tori and I to fend for ourselves. Luckily, Tori found a wrench in her car. She tried to turn the key in the lock with the wrench only to snap the key in half.

FUCK.

I had longer nails, so after fifteen minutes I was able to pull the little fucker out of the lock. Key #1 - done. There was a spare key but after seeing what happened the first time, we just kinda stood there. I was panicking considering I had to work the next day and all I had on me were the clothes I wore to work and my key fob that gets me into my office. Greatttt. Tori called the nanny, who said she had the same problem before and was able to open it using a lot of pressure and great strength. We felt like idiots. Why couldn't we open this fucking door? The nanny drove over and we told her about the wrench and the key snapping in half. She took the wrench and we could see that she was going to do the same thing we did. Tori and I looked at each other. Ummmmmm....

The sweet, Irish woman (brogue included), smaller than the both of us, turned the wrench and easy as pie she gets the dead bolt to turn. Silence. Shock. My jaw is one the ground. Buddy ran into the house and before we even get to the kitchen, his dog bowl is clean. I felt so bad he was hungry, despite hating him the rest of the time. "Now, relax, go have your wine and just sit down," Geraldene said. "Can I give you a hug?!" I asked her. I look at the clock: 1045pm. I look at my phone: 15 missed calls (mostly from Tori and other people she had call me), 1 bbm, and 1 text from someone I didn't care to hear from.We had 3 glasses of wine that night.

If it weren't for you...