And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
My love, my love, my love
She keeps me warm...
Same Love - Macklemore & Ryan Lewis (feat. Mary Lambert)
Love is patient
Love is kind...
Not crying on Sundays.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Friday, January 25, 2013
I Am Not Alone
I am not alone because Charlotte Green doesn't get over things quickly either. Even if her relationship ended after a few short weeks, she still feels the same sadness that anyone would feel when something ends and she didn't want it to. And she's okay with the fact that she lets herself feel that sadness even if the person who let her go is moving on with his life without any qualms in the world. To Green, "sometimes things end and it’s horrible and there is nothing that
can be said which makes it suddenly less painful. Even if you’re young." Like many other young people, we have so many things to look forward to. We know that. But I don't need you to remind me of those things. I know you believe in fate and that everything happens for a reason but I highly doubt you'll bump into me like Channing Tatum ran into Rachel McAdams at the end of The Vow. I'll be surprised if we do...
"I’m sorry if you think that I should be doing other things, enjoying my youth, counting my blessings, and seeing other people. I don’t need to hear your motivational poster quotes about all of the wonderful things I still have to look forward to in life, or that we ended for a reason. I don’t need to hear about fate. I don’t need to hear anything." -- Charlotte Green
I know that right now I'm not where I want to be. I'm not my full self just yet. But I'm getting there. I am slowly getting there. I'm going to laugh more, and smile more, and be thankful more even if I don't mean nothing to you these days. This may not even be hard for you. This is something you can easily walk away from and wash your hands clean of. As Green put it, "As much as it pains me to admit, you likely don’t think about me." But in no way do I blame you. Like you and everyone else says, everything happens for a reason.
I am not alone because Chelsea Fagan knows what's it like to be the person who loves more. We both know what happens when you're the one who loves more - we begin to love ourselves less. We only see ourselves worthy of the amount of love the other person has for us. And we take that for what it is because to Chelsea (and I), "Even if being loved by them comes with a thousand asterisks, or is accompanied by put-downs or bouts of complete apathy, it is better than not being loved at all." Receiving admiration from the one who loves you less becomes the only thing that matters to you; the only key to your happiness when it shouldn't be...
"Suddenly, approval and affection from your partner become the only kind of currency that matter to you — the only thing capable of convincing you that you are good and worth loving. Because so much of you has been invested in convincing them that you deserve them, if they don’t recognize it, it can feel that no one ever will." -- Chelsea Fagan
I know eventually I'll mean a lot to somebody. Because I am who I am and I know you always said I shouldn't be anyone but myself. There were things that you loved about me just as there were things I did that irritated you. And I'm sorry for that. As Fagan said, "I am the kind of girl who will fight sometimes for no reason, who will create arguments out of thin air because she is frustrated and sometimes takes it out on the people who deserve it least but will stand for it most. I will know that what I am doing is wrong in the moment — that a label of “psycho” being flung at me will be as stinging as it is accurate — but be unable to stop myself [...] I love things at top volume, at their most difficult, at their most needlessly complex." And I did just that.
I'm not alone because Madison Moore knows what it's like to be with someone one minute and the next minute things are completely different. What happened? Moore asks, "Why do you act like a boyfriend but then disappear completely, emotionally and physically, moments after you just told me how much you miss me?" I know that people are constantly dealing with themselves and other priorities "but no matter how busy we get, there’s always time if we make it." There's a bond you create with someone you really like. You consistently work to make that bond last; make it stronger than the day before...
"Yes, I’ve probably made a fool of myself trying to tell you how I feel, but whatever. When you really like someone you take those risks. When you like someone you’re there for them, you tell them how you feel, you make time for them no matter what else you’re doing. If you’re not, then that person is not so important to you after all." -- Madison Moore
Even after I tell you all these things, nothing changes. I've waited on the other end to hear if you have anything to say but nothing comes out. I realize now that you were right, I never let you just say those things to me when you wanted to. I needed this extra reassurance from you so as to not make myself look like a complete idiot. But in the long run, I spilled the beans one too many times, leaving my heart heavier than it should be and not all that confident in how I wanted things to be between us.
I am not alone because Nico Lang simply says just that. No one ever is. He grew up reading books and befriending characters in novels. I grew up an only child with an imagination the size of the state of Texas. As I got older and other girls started dating and experiencing the pangs of teenage love, I was dreaming of what that would feel like all at the same time questioning why it's so hard for me and not the other girls. Lang referred to the film Sixteen Candles (one of my favorites) when Sam talks to her dad about her struggles to find love. Her dad mentions how things like that always came easy to Sam's older sister, which is why she never took the time to appreciate them. "When you have to fight for the things that you want, you’re less likely to take them for granted"...
"Eventually, lonely kids grow up into lonely adults, which sounds terrible (especially if you’re Sylvia Plath), but loneliness has a way of shaping your heart and making you who you are. You’re the person who cares so much about people that they’re willing to drive their friends a little crazy and the person who obsessively worries about their family and checks in on them, even when you know they’re probably fine. You just want to be sure. You’re the person who moons over their first kiss and writes about it endlessly in their journal, who learns to pine, yearn and strive for more — because you know what it is to lack." -- Nico Lang
I still forget to breathe sometimes and sweating the small stuff almost feels like second nature to me. You and my mom have always told me to just relax. Don't worry (I know you're not), I have been learning to chill the fuh out. But I still do that thing under my desk at the office where I shake my leg while I work. I still find myself wondering how you're doing and if you're thinking about me at all but then I just sigh and ask God to take care of everything. You included. And I get back to what I'm doing (like writing in my blog lol).
I am not alone because David Cain was dissatisfied with his life and loving himself was a desperate struggle. "I didn’t feel like I could get anywhere until I loved myself, and I didn’t feel like I could love myself until I got somewhere." Self-love is probably one of the most difficult types of love to really excel at. It's a day-by-day sort of love just like other important relationships involving this very emotional feeling...
"Self-love is not how you feel about yourself. It’s what you do for yourself. You can only love yourself by doing, not thinking. Execute feats of love, feats of respect, for your own benefit [...] Love is picking up the dumbells the moment you start making excuses. Love is doing your scariest task first thing in the morning [...] There is a choice in every moment, between acting out of love, or out of fear. At any instant, you can stop and look at the moment, and it is clear which action is which. You will make a habit out of choosing one or the other. You won’t be able to have respect if you do not make a habit of recognizing value. There is value in every person, object, place and moment, but you may miss it if you hold faults to be more important." -- David Cain
I told you in a letter a long time ago that I'm struggling to take care of myself and how I consider myself a temple of sorts. I struggle because of trust, because I've been burned before one too many times. But haven't we all? As much as I want my old self to return and remind you of that hurt and how you made me feel, I can't do that. It won't serve any purpose to you or me if I remind you of things you already know. Maybe you already forgot about them. I have no control over what you do with your life or how you feel. And I won't let you do the same to me because you don't care about me. At least not right now, maybe not ever. You may not have the time to. We're all trying to survive and there's no reason for me to rely on you to save me. I'm taking each day as an added step forward to respect myself, to value myself and to love myself before I can find the courage to do that for someone else. And I hope you do too.
And since it's on the news constantly these days, a concept that is not at all new and has been going on for years, Manti Te'o is not alone because it happened to Nev Schulman.
"I’m sorry if you think that I should be doing other things, enjoying my youth, counting my blessings, and seeing other people. I don’t need to hear your motivational poster quotes about all of the wonderful things I still have to look forward to in life, or that we ended for a reason. I don’t need to hear about fate. I don’t need to hear anything." -- Charlotte Green
I know that right now I'm not where I want to be. I'm not my full self just yet. But I'm getting there. I am slowly getting there. I'm going to laugh more, and smile more, and be thankful more even if I don't mean nothing to you these days. This may not even be hard for you. This is something you can easily walk away from and wash your hands clean of. As Green put it, "As much as it pains me to admit, you likely don’t think about me." But in no way do I blame you. Like you and everyone else says, everything happens for a reason.
I am not alone because Chelsea Fagan knows what's it like to be the person who loves more. We both know what happens when you're the one who loves more - we begin to love ourselves less. We only see ourselves worthy of the amount of love the other person has for us. And we take that for what it is because to Chelsea (and I), "Even if being loved by them comes with a thousand asterisks, or is accompanied by put-downs or bouts of complete apathy, it is better than not being loved at all." Receiving admiration from the one who loves you less becomes the only thing that matters to you; the only key to your happiness when it shouldn't be...
"Suddenly, approval and affection from your partner become the only kind of currency that matter to you — the only thing capable of convincing you that you are good and worth loving. Because so much of you has been invested in convincing them that you deserve them, if they don’t recognize it, it can feel that no one ever will." -- Chelsea Fagan
I know eventually I'll mean a lot to somebody. Because I am who I am and I know you always said I shouldn't be anyone but myself. There were things that you loved about me just as there were things I did that irritated you. And I'm sorry for that. As Fagan said, "I am the kind of girl who will fight sometimes for no reason, who will create arguments out of thin air because she is frustrated and sometimes takes it out on the people who deserve it least but will stand for it most. I will know that what I am doing is wrong in the moment — that a label of “psycho” being flung at me will be as stinging as it is accurate — but be unable to stop myself [...] I love things at top volume, at their most difficult, at their most needlessly complex." And I did just that.
I'm not alone because Madison Moore knows what it's like to be with someone one minute and the next minute things are completely different. What happened? Moore asks, "Why do you act like a boyfriend but then disappear completely, emotionally and physically, moments after you just told me how much you miss me?" I know that people are constantly dealing with themselves and other priorities "but no matter how busy we get, there’s always time if we make it." There's a bond you create with someone you really like. You consistently work to make that bond last; make it stronger than the day before...
"Yes, I’ve probably made a fool of myself trying to tell you how I feel, but whatever. When you really like someone you take those risks. When you like someone you’re there for them, you tell them how you feel, you make time for them no matter what else you’re doing. If you’re not, then that person is not so important to you after all." -- Madison Moore
Even after I tell you all these things, nothing changes. I've waited on the other end to hear if you have anything to say but nothing comes out. I realize now that you were right, I never let you just say those things to me when you wanted to. I needed this extra reassurance from you so as to not make myself look like a complete idiot. But in the long run, I spilled the beans one too many times, leaving my heart heavier than it should be and not all that confident in how I wanted things to be between us.
I am not alone because Nico Lang simply says just that. No one ever is. He grew up reading books and befriending characters in novels. I grew up an only child with an imagination the size of the state of Texas. As I got older and other girls started dating and experiencing the pangs of teenage love, I was dreaming of what that would feel like all at the same time questioning why it's so hard for me and not the other girls. Lang referred to the film Sixteen Candles (one of my favorites) when Sam talks to her dad about her struggles to find love. Her dad mentions how things like that always came easy to Sam's older sister, which is why she never took the time to appreciate them. "When you have to fight for the things that you want, you’re less likely to take them for granted"...
"Eventually, lonely kids grow up into lonely adults, which sounds terrible (especially if you’re Sylvia Plath), but loneliness has a way of shaping your heart and making you who you are. You’re the person who cares so much about people that they’re willing to drive their friends a little crazy and the person who obsessively worries about their family and checks in on them, even when you know they’re probably fine. You just want to be sure. You’re the person who moons over their first kiss and writes about it endlessly in their journal, who learns to pine, yearn and strive for more — because you know what it is to lack." -- Nico Lang
I still forget to breathe sometimes and sweating the small stuff almost feels like second nature to me. You and my mom have always told me to just relax. Don't worry (I know you're not), I have been learning to chill the fuh out. But I still do that thing under my desk at the office where I shake my leg while I work. I still find myself wondering how you're doing and if you're thinking about me at all but then I just sigh and ask God to take care of everything. You included. And I get back to what I'm doing (like writing in my blog lol).
I am not alone because David Cain was dissatisfied with his life and loving himself was a desperate struggle. "I didn’t feel like I could get anywhere until I loved myself, and I didn’t feel like I could love myself until I got somewhere." Self-love is probably one of the most difficult types of love to really excel at. It's a day-by-day sort of love just like other important relationships involving this very emotional feeling...
"Self-love is not how you feel about yourself. It’s what you do for yourself. You can only love yourself by doing, not thinking. Execute feats of love, feats of respect, for your own benefit [...] Love is picking up the dumbells the moment you start making excuses. Love is doing your scariest task first thing in the morning [...] There is a choice in every moment, between acting out of love, or out of fear. At any instant, you can stop and look at the moment, and it is clear which action is which. You will make a habit out of choosing one or the other. You won’t be able to have respect if you do not make a habit of recognizing value. There is value in every person, object, place and moment, but you may miss it if you hold faults to be more important." -- David Cain
I told you in a letter a long time ago that I'm struggling to take care of myself and how I consider myself a temple of sorts. I struggle because of trust, because I've been burned before one too many times. But haven't we all? As much as I want my old self to return and remind you of that hurt and how you made me feel, I can't do that. It won't serve any purpose to you or me if I remind you of things you already know. Maybe you already forgot about them. I have no control over what you do with your life or how you feel. And I won't let you do the same to me because you don't care about me. At least not right now, maybe not ever. You may not have the time to. We're all trying to survive and there's no reason for me to rely on you to save me. I'm taking each day as an added step forward to respect myself, to value myself and to love myself before I can find the courage to do that for someone else. And I hope you do too.
And since it's on the news constantly these days, a concept that is not at all new and has been going on for years, Manti Te'o is not alone because it happened to Nev Schulman.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Closer
All I want to get is a little bit closer. All I want to know is, can you come a little closer?
Closer - Tegan & Sara
Closer - Tegan & Sara
Friday, January 18, 2013
Sweet Nothing
This song has been out for a while but I still love it. Florence and Calvin together make wonderful eargasms.The lyrics are amaze balls and below...
Sweet Nothing (featuring Florence Welch) - Calvin Harris
You took my heart and you held it in your mouth
And, with the word all my love came rushing out
And, every whisper, it's the worst,
Emptied out by a single word
There is a hollow in me now
So I put my faith in something unknown
I'm living on such sweet nothing
But I'm tired of hope with nothing to hold
I'm living on such sweet nothing
And it's hard to learn
And it's hard to love
When you're giving me such sweet nothing
Sweet nothing, sweet nothing
You're giving me such sweet nothing
It isn't easy for me to let it go
Cause I swallow every single word
And every whisper, every sigh
Eats away this heart of mine
And there is a hollow in me now
So I put my faith in something unknown
I'm living on such sweet nothing
But I'm tired of hope with nothing to hold
I'm living on such sweet nothing
And it's hard to learn
And it's hard to love
When you're giving me such sweet nothing
Sweet nothing, sweet nothing
You're giving me such sweet nothing
And it's not enough
To tell me that you care
When, we both know the words are empty air
You give me nothing
Sweet nothing...
Sweet Nothing (featuring Florence Welch) - Calvin Harris
You took my heart and you held it in your mouth
And, with the word all my love came rushing out
And, every whisper, it's the worst,
Emptied out by a single word
There is a hollow in me now
So I put my faith in something unknown
I'm living on such sweet nothing
But I'm tired of hope with nothing to hold
I'm living on such sweet nothing
And it's hard to learn
And it's hard to love
When you're giving me such sweet nothing
Sweet nothing, sweet nothing
You're giving me such sweet nothing
It isn't easy for me to let it go
Cause I swallow every single word
And every whisper, every sigh
Eats away this heart of mine
And there is a hollow in me now
So I put my faith in something unknown
I'm living on such sweet nothing
But I'm tired of hope with nothing to hold
I'm living on such sweet nothing
And it's hard to learn
And it's hard to love
When you're giving me such sweet nothing
Sweet nothing, sweet nothing
You're giving me such sweet nothing
And it's not enough
To tell me that you care
When, we both know the words are empty air
You give me nothing
Sweet nothing...
Thursday, January 17, 2013
I broke up with my therapist
This past Tuesday was when I broke up with my therapist. This is actually the only time I've ever broken up with anyone. Except that one time in sixth grade when I dated a kid named Joey. But that doesn't count because I got my friend Alex to break up with him for me. No, this was not a romantic relationship I had with my therapist (EWWW). But I made the decision to no longer continue seeing her after realizing that it wasn't a right fit for me. The things I was looking for in a therapist were not being fulfilled and although I was making strides, I was not moving as fast as I thought I should be nor did I feel like my therapist really wanted to help me.
I've been going to therapy since I was a freshmen in college. I decided to seek mental therapy to help me cope with feelings I struggled to deal with and to better deal with the stresses of every day life. Some people may think going to therapy is somewhat embarrassing but I am actually a huge advocate for mental health assistance. But psychology not psychiatry. Other people may not need therapy and are able to cope and deal with their feelings on their own. I am not one of them. By going to therapy, to me, I am understanding who I am and why I do certain things, why I struggle with other things, and how I can better deal with issues when stress hits me. It's like fucking yoga for my brain I guess.
After seeing many different therapists over the years, I am able to figure out what I want from a therapist so I don't find myself in an awkward place when I'm in a therapy session. The first therapist I ever had was obviously an awkward situation for me because I never had been to therapy. She was an extern doing work on my college campus. I remember she would have these long pauses and I would feel extremely uncomfortable when this would happen. I would fidget with my hands and look at any possible thing in the room other than her face when this would happen. I remember I told the next therapist I had the following year that awkward silences like those were something that kind of made me feel...awkward. This one was tiny. She was like so little and frail and I remember reading something about her on the college website's Counseling Center page that she was an extern from Yeshiva University in the city. Mazel! She definitely helped me make strides with feelings I was struggling to deal with.
Junior year I had my favorite therapist. She was very soft-spoken and was one of the head honchos of the Counseling Center on campus. For being soft-spoken she was also a big mental cheerleader that helped me through the every day stresses of being a college student. I continued seeing her when I came back from studying abroad in Australia*. Throughout my senior year of college I developed a bond with her since she was the only therapist to date who I saw on a regular basis for almost two years. Unfortunately, graduating left me to find counseling off school premises so she could no longer advise me on life's daily struggles. I'll never forget her.
*In Australia, I had a male therapist. He was a character. He sorta helped me when I was down under. He even did these mental exercises using a white board and markers and had me draw circles and arrows among people in my social circle. It was weird but kinda cool! I remember seeing him once a week up until the last month and a half of being abroad. I don't quite remember what he said but whatever it was it made me feel patronized. I was offended (and I'm pissed because I can't remember what he fucking said that made me so mad). But after that day I said I would schedule my next appointment at the front office and never came back.
I took a hiatus from therapy until the end of August 2012. My mind was going in circles and the more circles my mind went in, I started forgetting who I was and my brain was getting nauseous. This was a very trying time for me and I literally had no idea how to start going to therapy again. Although there have been about 2 or 3 sessions where I began to feel like I was understanding myself more, I wasn't getting the support I wanted. I kind of felt like I was being judged by her in a way. And when I felt like that, I wasn't truly opening up to her and to me, that is a sign that this relationship wasn't a right fit. Why am I even going to therapy if I'm afraid my therapist would judge me? The things we talked about were things I talked to my girlfriends about. But my reason for going to a therapist were to get an objective view on the situation. Even though my therapist wanted to defend me and "help" me with my problems, I felt like she wanted me to move on. "Get on with your life!" she would say sometimes. Although she was absolutely right, there are some situations where things like that take time. She wasn't walking with me on this journey. She was trying to drag me through it. Looking at her watch and at the clock on the wall didn't make me feel like she wanted to help. Holding in yawns and rolling her eyes didn't help either (although, I wanna say she had a lazy eye. No, still, she shouldn't have rolled her eyes).
I know I have to move on with my life. I just have to. But her approach to helping me was not really a vocal one. She listened to me vent but had very little to say about it. So what now? What do I do now that I told you all of this stuff that happened since the last time I saw you? I'm paying almost $200 a month for you to help me and I'm leaving your office feeling like my money is not going toward a better me.
Although I left her office knowing I was able to let out a lot of stress and pent up emotion, that was basically all I felt - less filled up but not whole a lot lighter. I still carried my stresses with me after our sessions. And had no idea what to do with them. So two days ago as I wrote her a check for my last session with her, I told her that I would give her a call when I want to meet again. But for right now, I wanted to "mellow out and figure things out on my own." She took it just fine.
In retrospect, this has shown me what I do want in my next therapist when I look for someone to help me. I know what to vocalize and seek and hopefully knowing what I want now will help me find that in the future. Maybe trying to be my own therapist for a few weeks will help me understand me more. One thing I've been telling a lot of people is that 2013 is my year. I told her that on my way out and her last words to me were, "Make it happen." And I think I will.
I've been going to therapy since I was a freshmen in college. I decided to seek mental therapy to help me cope with feelings I struggled to deal with and to better deal with the stresses of every day life. Some people may think going to therapy is somewhat embarrassing but I am actually a huge advocate for mental health assistance. But psychology not psychiatry. Other people may not need therapy and are able to cope and deal with their feelings on their own. I am not one of them. By going to therapy, to me, I am understanding who I am and why I do certain things, why I struggle with other things, and how I can better deal with issues when stress hits me. It's like fucking yoga for my brain I guess.
After seeing many different therapists over the years, I am able to figure out what I want from a therapist so I don't find myself in an awkward place when I'm in a therapy session. The first therapist I ever had was obviously an awkward situation for me because I never had been to therapy. She was an extern doing work on my college campus. I remember she would have these long pauses and I would feel extremely uncomfortable when this would happen. I would fidget with my hands and look at any possible thing in the room other than her face when this would happen. I remember I told the next therapist I had the following year that awkward silences like those were something that kind of made me feel...awkward. This one was tiny. She was like so little and frail and I remember reading something about her on the college website's Counseling Center page that she was an extern from Yeshiva University in the city. Mazel! She definitely helped me make strides with feelings I was struggling to deal with.
Junior year I had my favorite therapist. She was very soft-spoken and was one of the head honchos of the Counseling Center on campus. For being soft-spoken she was also a big mental cheerleader that helped me through the every day stresses of being a college student. I continued seeing her when I came back from studying abroad in Australia*. Throughout my senior year of college I developed a bond with her since she was the only therapist to date who I saw on a regular basis for almost two years. Unfortunately, graduating left me to find counseling off school premises so she could no longer advise me on life's daily struggles. I'll never forget her.
*In Australia, I had a male therapist. He was a character. He sorta helped me when I was down under. He even did these mental exercises using a white board and markers and had me draw circles and arrows among people in my social circle. It was weird but kinda cool! I remember seeing him once a week up until the last month and a half of being abroad. I don't quite remember what he said but whatever it was it made me feel patronized. I was offended (and I'm pissed because I can't remember what he fucking said that made me so mad). But after that day I said I would schedule my next appointment at the front office and never came back.
I took a hiatus from therapy until the end of August 2012. My mind was going in circles and the more circles my mind went in, I started forgetting who I was and my brain was getting nauseous. This was a very trying time for me and I literally had no idea how to start going to therapy again. Although there have been about 2 or 3 sessions where I began to feel like I was understanding myself more, I wasn't getting the support I wanted. I kind of felt like I was being judged by her in a way. And when I felt like that, I wasn't truly opening up to her and to me, that is a sign that this relationship wasn't a right fit. Why am I even going to therapy if I'm afraid my therapist would judge me? The things we talked about were things I talked to my girlfriends about. But my reason for going to a therapist were to get an objective view on the situation. Even though my therapist wanted to defend me and "help" me with my problems, I felt like she wanted me to move on. "Get on with your life!" she would say sometimes. Although she was absolutely right, there are some situations where things like that take time. She wasn't walking with me on this journey. She was trying to drag me through it. Looking at her watch and at the clock on the wall didn't make me feel like she wanted to help. Holding in yawns and rolling her eyes didn't help either (although, I wanna say she had a lazy eye. No, still, she shouldn't have rolled her eyes).
I know I have to move on with my life. I just have to. But her approach to helping me was not really a vocal one. She listened to me vent but had very little to say about it. So what now? What do I do now that I told you all of this stuff that happened since the last time I saw you? I'm paying almost $200 a month for you to help me and I'm leaving your office feeling like my money is not going toward a better me.
Although I left her office knowing I was able to let out a lot of stress and pent up emotion, that was basically all I felt - less filled up but not whole a lot lighter. I still carried my stresses with me after our sessions. And had no idea what to do with them. So two days ago as I wrote her a check for my last session with her, I told her that I would give her a call when I want to meet again. But for right now, I wanted to "mellow out and figure things out on my own." She took it just fine.
In retrospect, this has shown me what I do want in my next therapist when I look for someone to help me. I know what to vocalize and seek and hopefully knowing what I want now will help me find that in the future. Maybe trying to be my own therapist for a few weeks will help me understand me more. One thing I've been telling a lot of people is that 2013 is my year. I told her that on my way out and her last words to me were, "Make it happen." And I think I will.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Leaving.
Last week one night I was on the phone with my mom until 2am. She's retired so she didn't have to worry about getting up for work. Lucky for me, casual Fridays allow me to not try so hard so I didn't mind going to bed that late. And it's my mom - when do I ever talk to her that late? Exactly.
She was telling me stories about her and her brother Eddie, my uncle who passed away almost two weeks ago in California. The coroner said he died of a heart attack. It was pretty sudden, considering he rode his bike the morning he died, and even went for a walk that afternoon.
The last time I saw him was seven years ago when I went to see my family in the Philippines. Uncle Eddie lived in Stockton with my mom's other siblings but he was in the Philippines building his house and wanted us to come check it out. I remember him looking really proud of what he was building. He usually smiled most of the time; he didn't talk much and was very timid. My mom said he just grew up like that - always quiet.
She told me other stories that I didn't know about. About how she put one of my grandmother's helpers (she wasn't necessarily a housekeeper) through high school. About how she helped take care of my older cousin Michael when he was 6. About how she helped her dad get his Visa so he could visit my grandmother in America, and how he died the night before he was supposed to fly to California to see her. So many things I didn't know about before.
I was very touched by that story. My grandmother was homesick while she was in California. My grandmother (or Nanay as everyone calls her) sponsored all of her single children so they could become American citizens. She was out in California with two of my aunts doing that when her husband passed away. I remember my mom and her other siblings telling my grandfather (Tatay) how Nanay missed him a lot. Tatay was a very business saavy kinda guy. He owned a lot of property and oversaw workers tending to it every day. So he really didn't want to travel when he had a lot to do. Mango trees populated the land and sometimes he would have my mom or other people sell the mangoes at the local markets. I really wish I saw how my mom sold mangoes. That would've been funny.
Nanay had been in America for almost a year so not seeing her hubby was very upsetting. Tatay didn't feel comfortable going to America while he had a lot of work to do. But after several people persuaded him to go, he finally said yes. My mom went to this office and that office with him to get his paper work sorted out so he could fly to America. She coordinated his flight, went to the Immigration office to get the okay, and probably bought him a soda on a hot day while they traveled all over the place getting his trip scheduled.
She told me how the night before his flight he came back to their house to say goodbye to my mom's younger siblings who were still in high school. The other kids were in college in the city. My mom had graduated a long time ago and took some time off to take care of the house while her dad worked and her mom was in America. "He told everyone to be good and that he would be back soon," my mom told me.
The next morning, Tatay passed away peacefully in his sleep. As if for some odd reason he knew something was going to happen and that's why he didn't want to travel. As if knew already. That's why that story really stuck with me for the past few days. Nanay was obviously distraught after hearing of her husband's passing, especially hearing about it on another continent. Being filled with excitement of finally seeing her husband after so many long months, and to be greeted by his death from a phone call she received shortly after. I remember tearing up when my mom told me that story.
"He must've really didn't want to go then," I said to my mom, "As if he knew something was going to happen."
Life is full of surprises, both good and bad. Things happen for a reason and sometimes we don't realize those reasons until the surprise is over. I've had my fair share of bad surprises just like other people who've been greeted by unwelcome deaths in their family or other bad news. "He was a good dad. He was very funny and joked around with us sometimes. Even though he was strict he really did love us," mom said after she told me that story.
We often think relationships are strained because of distance or a lack of communication but that's not always necessarily true. People can go months without seeing or hearing from each other but that doesn't change the amount of love they have for us. Sometimes reaching out is a great way of catching up and seeing how someone is doing. I did that over the Christmas holiday. I texted two girls I was best friends with in high school to see how they were. Of course it was out of nowhere for both of them and even though I didn't receive the same excitement from them for hearing from me, I kind of feel okay knowing that I reached out and told them I was thinking of them. Other times, getting in touch with someone after a long, quiet absence can really improve the relationship. I talk to my cousin Blanca in California more often these days. Even though they're quick conversations, I'm glad I'm able to rebuild that relationship with my family out there. I'm hoping to see her sometime in the spring or summer along with my other family members I haven't seen in almost ten years.
I may be seen as someone who doesn't keep in touch that well but then again who doesn't?! So if you're one of the few people reading this, you're probably wondering "hmm I wonder if Jules ever thinks about me when she's not thinking about food, Brittany Snow or how many miles she has to run tomorrow." If you've crossed my mind, and I'm sure you have, then feel good knowing I am thinking about you. We'll catch up soon :)
She was telling me stories about her and her brother Eddie, my uncle who passed away almost two weeks ago in California. The coroner said he died of a heart attack. It was pretty sudden, considering he rode his bike the morning he died, and even went for a walk that afternoon.
The last time I saw him was seven years ago when I went to see my family in the Philippines. Uncle Eddie lived in Stockton with my mom's other siblings but he was in the Philippines building his house and wanted us to come check it out. I remember him looking really proud of what he was building. He usually smiled most of the time; he didn't talk much and was very timid. My mom said he just grew up like that - always quiet.
She told me other stories that I didn't know about. About how she put one of my grandmother's helpers (she wasn't necessarily a housekeeper) through high school. About how she helped take care of my older cousin Michael when he was 6. About how she helped her dad get his Visa so he could visit my grandmother in America, and how he died the night before he was supposed to fly to California to see her. So many things I didn't know about before.
I was very touched by that story. My grandmother was homesick while she was in California. My grandmother (or Nanay as everyone calls her) sponsored all of her single children so they could become American citizens. She was out in California with two of my aunts doing that when her husband passed away. I remember my mom and her other siblings telling my grandfather (Tatay) how Nanay missed him a lot. Tatay was a very business saavy kinda guy. He owned a lot of property and oversaw workers tending to it every day. So he really didn't want to travel when he had a lot to do. Mango trees populated the land and sometimes he would have my mom or other people sell the mangoes at the local markets. I really wish I saw how my mom sold mangoes. That would've been funny.
Nanay had been in America for almost a year so not seeing her hubby was very upsetting. Tatay didn't feel comfortable going to America while he had a lot of work to do. But after several people persuaded him to go, he finally said yes. My mom went to this office and that office with him to get his paper work sorted out so he could fly to America. She coordinated his flight, went to the Immigration office to get the okay, and probably bought him a soda on a hot day while they traveled all over the place getting his trip scheduled.
She told me how the night before his flight he came back to their house to say goodbye to my mom's younger siblings who were still in high school. The other kids were in college in the city. My mom had graduated a long time ago and took some time off to take care of the house while her dad worked and her mom was in America. "He told everyone to be good and that he would be back soon," my mom told me.
The next morning, Tatay passed away peacefully in his sleep. As if for some odd reason he knew something was going to happen and that's why he didn't want to travel. As if knew already. That's why that story really stuck with me for the past few days. Nanay was obviously distraught after hearing of her husband's passing, especially hearing about it on another continent. Being filled with excitement of finally seeing her husband after so many long months, and to be greeted by his death from a phone call she received shortly after. I remember tearing up when my mom told me that story.
"He must've really didn't want to go then," I said to my mom, "As if he knew something was going to happen."
Life is full of surprises, both good and bad. Things happen for a reason and sometimes we don't realize those reasons until the surprise is over. I've had my fair share of bad surprises just like other people who've been greeted by unwelcome deaths in their family or other bad news. "He was a good dad. He was very funny and joked around with us sometimes. Even though he was strict he really did love us," mom said after she told me that story.
We often think relationships are strained because of distance or a lack of communication but that's not always necessarily true. People can go months without seeing or hearing from each other but that doesn't change the amount of love they have for us. Sometimes reaching out is a great way of catching up and seeing how someone is doing. I did that over the Christmas holiday. I texted two girls I was best friends with in high school to see how they were. Of course it was out of nowhere for both of them and even though I didn't receive the same excitement from them for hearing from me, I kind of feel okay knowing that I reached out and told them I was thinking of them. Other times, getting in touch with someone after a long, quiet absence can really improve the relationship. I talk to my cousin Blanca in California more often these days. Even though they're quick conversations, I'm glad I'm able to rebuild that relationship with my family out there. I'm hoping to see her sometime in the spring or summer along with my other family members I haven't seen in almost ten years.
I may be seen as someone who doesn't keep in touch that well but then again who doesn't?! So if you're one of the few people reading this, you're probably wondering "hmm I wonder if Jules ever thinks about me when she's not thinking about food, Brittany Snow or how many miles she has to run tomorrow." If you've crossed my mind, and I'm sure you have, then feel good knowing I am thinking about you. We'll catch up soon :)
 | |
| Rest in peace Uncle Eddie. May 25, 1954-January 2, 2013 |
Monday, January 14, 2013
Girls
I think more people ought to know who Santigold is...
New video. It truly captures the diversity in New York City, where the video was made.
Girls - Santigold
New video. It truly captures the diversity in New York City, where the video was made.
Girls - Santigold
Friday, January 11, 2013
The Mono & Heartbreak Diet
Happy Friday, sluts!
A few months ago I encountered a nasty bout of mononucleosis. I know, you're probably thinking I spent a late night out in the city making out vigorously with someone who'll treat me like shit five weeks after that. My city-slickin' ways have come to a slow pause, a mere standstill. Why? Because I'm old*
*23 is not old. However to a twenty-something post-grad, it's almost like turning 50. It feels like turning 50. You start doing things 50-year old ladies do like playing bridge with your girlfriends and making dinner and going to church and watching game shows. But for a 23-year old that's the equivalent to sitting on the couch with your roommates, drinking wine and watching Real Housewives, Nashville, and The Bachelor. And sometimes forcing them to sit through another episode of Shahs of Sunset (What? Part of me wishes I was Persian. All they do is drink champagne and look stunning with their dark skin and gold jewelry while their pet cheetahs eat anyone they don't think. I really oughta look into getting a pet cheetah.)
Anyways, I got mono. And it sucked. Probably from sharing drinks, or smoking hookah, or that one time when that boy sneezed on me in Target. And getting it when Hurricane Sandy decided to projectile vomit half of the Atlantic Ocean all over the east coast was even more eventful. Thanks, girl. We really needed you to baptize us with your presence. Sucha sweetie.
It started with a sore throat and white patches on my tonsils. I thought it was strep but the strep test was negative. Great. I have a zombie virus that antibiotics won't cure. I spent a week barely being able to swallow and sounding like Kermit the Frog. It went away in a week and I was feeling better. My doctor still suggested I get a blood test just in case so two weeks after I got better I went in for a blood test. Ten days later, he called me saying I had mono. I was shocked. I didn't suffer from the extreme fatigue, high fever, and just feeling like a complete shit ball. I was working out too so I had no idea my spleen was swollen. Thankfully, I had given up drinking alcohol and juice for 40 days during that time so I was able to recuperate and not combust into this oozing pile of sick girl.
I went to the doctor before the Christmas holiday and he told me that I had lost some weight since my last visit back in November. And recently, a co-worker of mine saw me printing at the copier and said "You're skinnyyyy." I replied with, "Thanks to my mono and heartbreak diet!" It's quite simple actually. So during the time I had mono, I kind of, sort of, might have gotten a little manic depressive and broken again but it actually wasn't that big of a deal. Although it further added to my weight loss, I'd say it's a feeling I would rather not feel in 2013. But if you're in a bind and in need for a weight loss plan that's outside the norm for you, try The Mono & Heartbreak Diet. It's been tested and approved by yours truly...
The Mono & Heartbreak Diet
You will need the following...
1 extremely sore throat with tonsils covered in puss
1 low-grade or high fever with much body aches
1 heart, bruised and broken
Throat lozenges
Peanut butter cups
Nutella-filled sugar cookies
Lots and lots of tissues
This song
And this song
DEFINITELY THIS SONG
Your mom and your girlfriends
Prerequisites: a night 4-6 weeks prior when you shared drinks, mouths, or hookahs with a group of friends, preferably friends that have carried some sort of case of mono.
1. Experience symptoms of strep throat and pay no attention to it. Stock up on over-the-counter meds, assuming it will go away in time for the weekend.
2. Panic when the tonsils worsen and swallowing becomes an arduous and painful chore. Lay in bed, call your mom crying. This may require the feeling of denial after you find out your strep test turned out negative.
3. Retrace your steps. What did you share and with whom? Call those you've hung out and ask them if they've had mono or experienced any similar symptoms as you. If left shit outta luck, lay in bed more and cry a little.
4. Sleep. A lot. Doze off during episodes of trash tv. Barely respond to text messages. Drink orange juice, thinking you may just be vitamin C deficient. You're wrong.
5. Feel lonely and depressed. See your future turn into ashes at the thought of having mono. See your crush disappear into thin air. See your social circle move on without you. Become severely worried with FOMO. Cry and fall asleep.
6. Wake up and pee. Look for something to eat in the fridge. Grimace at the sight of all the food that looks painful to swallow. Settle for a glass of water, pain meds, and a throat lozenge.
7. Miss your crush who you haven't spoken to. Watch sappy rom-coms with your roommates as a distraction. Eat the nutella-filled sugar cookies that your roommate made. Smile for the first time in three days.
8. Walk around your apartment as your way of being social. Take a hot shower, call your mom, and nap.
9. Eat soup and call it an early night while your friends all go out. Silence your phone so you get a restful night's sleep, hoping to wake up to a text from your crush missing you. Wake up to no texts.
10. Have a lazy day. Watch episodes of Girls with your girlfriends. Put your phone away. Laugh. Drink tea.
11. Hear from your crush. Make them laugh with your Kermit the Frog voice. Have a good conversation then go to bed.
12. Your tonsils start clearing up. You start to see the light.
13. You get back to your workout routine. You text your crush. Your crush texts you. Color comes back to your face. Notice your legs looking thinner.
14. A few months go by. Your crush makes you nervous. You get worried. You have arguments. Your nerves will make you nauseous. Down two glasses of water. Try to read. Cry a lot. Ask your mom for a hug. Sleep.
15. Don't hear from your crush for three days. Pray that she's okay. Celebrate New Years with close friends. Leave your phone upstairs and untouched. You feel okay, they make you laugh.
16. Work through your lunch break. Drink water and tea. Tear up thinking about sweet nothings your crush once told you. Reacquaint yourself with Christian rock.
17. Work out after a long day. Get a good sweat going. Distract yourself by running for miles. Life weights. Look at phone and be okay with no text messages or missed calls.
18. Watch Pitch Perfect for the fifth time. Your mood is better. Sing at the top of your lungs with your roommates.You're ready to go to bed.
19. Wake up. Vow to put your worries in God's hands this year. Smile at strangers to make your mood brighter. Remind yourself things happen for a reason and that this year is yours. Wear that pair of salmon-colored corduroys. They feel a little loose as does your shirts and other tops.
20. Be optimistic. Work your ass off to survive. Take care of yourself this time. Assume less. Expect nothing. Forgive those who hurt you and smile about it. Feel good. Thank God.
Prep-time: Your Past
Duration: A season
Outcome: Awesome
A few months ago I encountered a nasty bout of mononucleosis. I know, you're probably thinking I spent a late night out in the city making out vigorously with someone who'll treat me like shit five weeks after that. My city-slickin' ways have come to a slow pause, a mere standstill. Why? Because I'm old*
*23 is not old. However to a twenty-something post-grad, it's almost like turning 50. It feels like turning 50. You start doing things 50-year old ladies do like playing bridge with your girlfriends and making dinner and going to church and watching game shows. But for a 23-year old that's the equivalent to sitting on the couch with your roommates, drinking wine and watching Real Housewives, Nashville, and The Bachelor. And sometimes forcing them to sit through another episode of Shahs of Sunset (What? Part of me wishes I was Persian. All they do is drink champagne and look stunning with their dark skin and gold jewelry while their pet cheetahs eat anyone they don't think. I really oughta look into getting a pet cheetah.)
Anyways, I got mono. And it sucked. Probably from sharing drinks, or smoking hookah, or that one time when that boy sneezed on me in Target. And getting it when Hurricane Sandy decided to projectile vomit half of the Atlantic Ocean all over the east coast was even more eventful. Thanks, girl. We really needed you to baptize us with your presence. Sucha sweetie.
It started with a sore throat and white patches on my tonsils. I thought it was strep but the strep test was negative. Great. I have a zombie virus that antibiotics won't cure. I spent a week barely being able to swallow and sounding like Kermit the Frog. It went away in a week and I was feeling better. My doctor still suggested I get a blood test just in case so two weeks after I got better I went in for a blood test. Ten days later, he called me saying I had mono. I was shocked. I didn't suffer from the extreme fatigue, high fever, and just feeling like a complete shit ball. I was working out too so I had no idea my spleen was swollen. Thankfully, I had given up drinking alcohol and juice for 40 days during that time so I was able to recuperate and not combust into this oozing pile of sick girl.
I went to the doctor before the Christmas holiday and he told me that I had lost some weight since my last visit back in November. And recently, a co-worker of mine saw me printing at the copier and said "You're skinnyyyy." I replied with, "Thanks to my mono and heartbreak diet!" It's quite simple actually. So during the time I had mono, I kind of, sort of, might have gotten a little manic depressive and broken again but it actually wasn't that big of a deal. Although it further added to my weight loss, I'd say it's a feeling I would rather not feel in 2013. But if you're in a bind and in need for a weight loss plan that's outside the norm for you, try The Mono & Heartbreak Diet. It's been tested and approved by yours truly...
The Mono & Heartbreak Diet
You will need the following...
1 extremely sore throat with tonsils covered in puss
1 low-grade or high fever with much body aches
1 heart, bruised and broken
Throat lozenges
Peanut butter cups
Nutella-filled sugar cookies
Lots and lots of tissues
This song
And this song
DEFINITELY THIS SONG
Your mom and your girlfriends
Prerequisites: a night 4-6 weeks prior when you shared drinks, mouths, or hookahs with a group of friends, preferably friends that have carried some sort of case of mono.
1. Experience symptoms of strep throat and pay no attention to it. Stock up on over-the-counter meds, assuming it will go away in time for the weekend.
2. Panic when the tonsils worsen and swallowing becomes an arduous and painful chore. Lay in bed, call your mom crying. This may require the feeling of denial after you find out your strep test turned out negative.
3. Retrace your steps. What did you share and with whom? Call those you've hung out and ask them if they've had mono or experienced any similar symptoms as you. If left shit outta luck, lay in bed more and cry a little.
4. Sleep. A lot. Doze off during episodes of trash tv. Barely respond to text messages. Drink orange juice, thinking you may just be vitamin C deficient. You're wrong.
5. Feel lonely and depressed. See your future turn into ashes at the thought of having mono. See your crush disappear into thin air. See your social circle move on without you. Become severely worried with FOMO. Cry and fall asleep.
6. Wake up and pee. Look for something to eat in the fridge. Grimace at the sight of all the food that looks painful to swallow. Settle for a glass of water, pain meds, and a throat lozenge.
7. Miss your crush who you haven't spoken to. Watch sappy rom-coms with your roommates as a distraction. Eat the nutella-filled sugar cookies that your roommate made. Smile for the first time in three days.
8. Walk around your apartment as your way of being social. Take a hot shower, call your mom, and nap.
9. Eat soup and call it an early night while your friends all go out. Silence your phone so you get a restful night's sleep, hoping to wake up to a text from your crush missing you. Wake up to no texts.
10. Have a lazy day. Watch episodes of Girls with your girlfriends. Put your phone away. Laugh. Drink tea.
11. Hear from your crush. Make them laugh with your Kermit the Frog voice. Have a good conversation then go to bed.
12. Your tonsils start clearing up. You start to see the light.
13. You get back to your workout routine. You text your crush. Your crush texts you. Color comes back to your face. Notice your legs looking thinner.
14. A few months go by. Your crush makes you nervous. You get worried. You have arguments. Your nerves will make you nauseous. Down two glasses of water. Try to read. Cry a lot. Ask your mom for a hug. Sleep.
15. Don't hear from your crush for three days. Pray that she's okay. Celebrate New Years with close friends. Leave your phone upstairs and untouched. You feel okay, they make you laugh.
16. Work through your lunch break. Drink water and tea. Tear up thinking about sweet nothings your crush once told you. Reacquaint yourself with Christian rock.
17. Work out after a long day. Get a good sweat going. Distract yourself by running for miles. Life weights. Look at phone and be okay with no text messages or missed calls.
18. Watch Pitch Perfect for the fifth time. Your mood is better. Sing at the top of your lungs with your roommates.You're ready to go to bed.
19. Wake up. Vow to put your worries in God's hands this year. Smile at strangers to make your mood brighter. Remind yourself things happen for a reason and that this year is yours. Wear that pair of salmon-colored corduroys. They feel a little loose as does your shirts and other tops.
20. Be optimistic. Work your ass off to survive. Take care of yourself this time. Assume less. Expect nothing. Forgive those who hurt you and smile about it. Feel good. Thank God.
Prep-time: Your Past
Duration: A season
Outcome: Awesome
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