You Can Have My Laptop But You Can't Take My Crop Tops! How I Was Burglarized

It's a sucky feeling when you have things stolen from you. Sometimes these can be retrieved but most of the time you'll never get these things back. Virginity included. Poof. Gone. Forever. And you never really think about it until it actually happens. I don't think I, or anyone else for that matter, wake up and think "Hmm, I think I'm going to get robbed today!" The constant routine one has prevents the idea of such a terrible thing happening. But it happens more often than you would think. And it happened to me...yesterday. (And no, I’m not talking about my virginity…that treasure chest was smuggled by an evil mermaid a long time ago. Ahoy, mates!)
 

I started my week off on a decent note. I turned my work computer on to see an e-mail from Thought Catalog about my submission being posted onto the site. My first ever. I wasn't expecting it. The praise from my friends was really appreciative and despite the depressing nature of the post, I was happy to know my support system enjoyed my writing. I worked my typical 9-5 job, went to the gym, and walked home like I always do. Until I noticed one of the locks on my door was unlocked. I ALWAYS lock my deadbolt. Always. So I figured when I push the door open, the deadbolt would stop it from opening all the way. Nope. Deadbolt was unlocked too.

There, on my couch laid the remnants of a backpack he/she/they took along with my laptop (5k+ music files), iPod (same said music files), watch (Marc Jacobs), my mother's engagement ring (crying), my grandmother's gold pinky ring (CRYING), and some earrings (whatever, Forever 21) I had in a small wooden box on top of my dresser. All of the old student IDs, gift cards, and expired insurance cards I kept in an old wallet inside my dresser drawer were spread across my bed. They even took the liberty of taking all the coins out of the same wallet. Down to the last coin those fuckers went.

I noticed my back window, which I would keep ajar to let air circulate through, had gross hand prints all over that wall. So I assume it was team job since the window had to have been more than 6 feet above the ground outside. Someone must've been hoisted up inside, moved the window screen and then buzzed an accomplice in through my front door, hence it being unlocked when I came home. The initial feeling was complete confusion and shock. I had no idea where to even begin, but I took a quick scan of where they searched and quickly realized they took the things of most value.

 

Phew! My crop tops are still here. That's good. Oh, and that sundress from Australia. Awesome, still here, I thought. But my family heirlooms and my beloved, extensive music library that I treated like my child were taken. Realizing this, I paced the room, and I started slightly hyperventilating as I dialed my mom’s number. My voice was shaking, hell, my whole body kind of shook just from seeing all of my shit all over the place. Even I don’t make that much of a mess when I come home wasted after I night out.

The culprit(s) went all out, going through my personal things, being in an apartment that is MY intimate space, and taking what they could while I was gone. It's almost scary knowing that. Actually, it's fucking terrifying. I did all of the necessary steps: called the police, called my landlord, called my mom, called my best friend who lived nearby, ran a police report, had detectives come over to dust for prints, and scheduled things for my landlord to fix, and drank three glasses of red wine. I slept at my best friend's place that night. Just knowing I would be sleeping in the middle of crime scene alone sounded a little creepy. Feeling as if I couldn't bring people over after having something happening like this made me feel anxious. How would anyone feel safe here after knowing something like this? I thought. Wondering if it would happen again gave me nightmares.

I spent the rest of the evening accepting the fact that those material things and I had to part ways. It was unfortunate obviously but the most important thing about all of this was that I wasn't there while it was happening. Whether it was a group of kids with nothing better to do or just a bunch of lousy drug-hyped creeps finding things to pawn off for their next fix, who knew what they could've or would've done if I was there in my bra and underwear frying eggs on my stove top and playing techno music on blast.

The reality of the situation is that these things happen everywhere. I wasn't even the first person in my building that it happened to - the police officer who came over told me about the same thing happening upstairs a few weeks ago. I thank God that I didn't get hurt. My family and friends who found out and called/texted to see if I was okay reminded me of how sacred life really is. Knowing that you're cared about like that is a good feeling, and that's something even the grimiest of smugglers can't steal.

On a lighter note, I was texting my friend while the detective was dusting for fingerprints and I had a laundry rack with some bras and other delicate garments that were hanging there drying and this was the exchange:

Me: My laundry is hanging in the kitchen. Great they know what kind of bras I wear.

Her: Hahaha I'm sure they've seen worse

Me: Well my old vibrator was sprawled out on my couch when they searched thru my backpack so the robber knows I'm into that shit

Her: Hahahahaha

As the great Vince Vaughn said in Wedding Crashers: "LOCK IT UP!"

 

We Will Never Stop Learning

This is the first time I've written in about eight months. I heard somewhere that writing when you're sad is actually therapeutic but that could be a topic for debate. Everyone has their own way of coping. Mine so happens to be writing. Or at least I thought it was. My last post was from last December and I'm not too sure what I'd written (because I'm too embarrassed to look at it now) but I still have an idea of how I felt and it wasn't great. It's as if I have glimpses of what happened still playing in my head but the record is kind of scratchy. Overall, the feeling I felt back then is still remembered. And I think overtime, I learned how to cope without writing about whatever was bothering me. Or maybe I was just too sad to write. It doesn't really matter what happened in the past because I'm writing now and I'm talking to absolutely no one and I'm writing furiously for absolutely no fucking reason about writing when you're sad.

So back to what I was talking about...

I recently read a Thought Catalog article called There is Beauty In Learning by Monica Stout. To sum up the post (and to force you to take time out of your busy schedule to actually read the damn thing), it basically captured the God-awful truth to a lot of things we hold so close to our hearts...yeah, I'm talking about that thing called l-o-v-e. Gross. Just kidding. But it really said in an honest, sincere way that sometimes love is heartbreaking and all that bullshit about wanting things we can't have is actually quite true. And it's something we learn from no matter how good or bad the situation was.

As much as we want to constantly be hopeful for positive things in our future, sometimes we still hold onto the past because we cherished those times so much. At least the good parts that is. We're so blinded by all of the amazing things that happened that we fail to see the things that went wrong. We think we can't get it ever again or that no one loves us or will love us. And that what happened is a set in stone kind of thing (when sometimes it always isn't). I honestly think (and when I say "honestly" it's because I'm not feeling like shit at the moment) these moments of sadness or hopelessness stem from the fear of starting over. Back to the drawing board. Not knowing what the fuck to do, where to start, how to cope, or to even get out of bed. I feel like an asshole because there are so many other people in the world that have a reason to not get out of bed: a loved one dying, having an unwanted miscarriage, or just having a legit case of depression. And here I am, feeling like an infant not knowing how to even function because I'm so sad.

As much as I hear it from my friends, this kinda stuff takes time. It's an epic hangover of feeling like your heart just got ran over and now it's in the street and you can't really scrape it off the pavement because there's too much traffic. Sorry for the gruesome imagery but you get the idea.

And yeah, maybe I'm one of those types of people that just feel "way too much" over the littlest things and I'm certainly not one to get over things quickly or take bad news lightly when first told. But I don't think that's a bad thing. I could easily have other worse qualities like not having any feelings at all over someone I've hurt, or doing things out of spite or to seek revenge; all things that would seem normal or a way of coping with pain, but I know in my heart is so wrong to do so I don't.

I've learned after heartbreaking instances that in order to actually get over something that hurts so much, is to almost face it like a fear. I've let myself sit in my own pain for periods of time when I didn't know how to handle it. It's like watching a scary movie to get over the fact that the Boogie Man doesn't actually exist under your bed or if you chant "Bloody Mary" three times, she won't appear out of thin air and eat you. It's almost like allowing yourself to feel like shit and realizing that shitty feeling is real and it won't go away until you've accepted it. And there are so many things that happened in my life that unfortunately I had to accept, no matter how many times I've been told differently (this is where you should probably read the link above). And this is a process that I'm going through now. It's like I'm facing demons of reality that are so hard to accept but it's almost like I have to in order to move on, or to at least get out of bed in the morning at a more decent time without thinking to myself "here's to another day of feeling shit so just try to survive it."

Sometimes the answers to our simple questions will never be known. People can easily walk away and wash their hands clean of a situation without ever dealing with it, only leaving the other parties involved with the mess to clean up. Sometimes love will last and other times it was only experienced for a fleeting moment, a moment which a lot of us wished would have lasted forever. Closure is something only hoped for but never always guaranteed. Sitting down and talking about feelings is something people just don't have time to do anymore and that isn't anyone's fault.

There are so many things I wish to know but I'll never get the answers to. I've learned to accept that. Or at least I'm TRYING to accept it. I'll still go through up and downs and twists and turns and never know the reason as to what it is all happening. And I'll never know why things happen the way they do - that's just life. That's the hardest thing about life.

One thing one of my best friends Tori told me a few weeks ago is "there's no reason for you to go through it alone." And she was absolutely right. So although I'm the one who's dealing with whatever is making me feel sad, I'm surrounding myself with probably the best people in my life who I never needed this badly before. At the same time, these amazing people that I rely on so much will not always be available when I'm going through a tough time because they have lives too and other loved ones to take care of.

This is the part where facing monsters called "fear," "anxiety," "uncertainty," and "sadness" have to be fought all on one's own. And it's monsters like these that you'll have to fight either one by one (think of it like different levels of your favorite video game...that's the nerd in me) or all at the same time. In the past, I'd use to suppress these feelings with distraction - alcohol, going out, seeking attention from people I didn't really want attention from but knew I could get it, and literally any other way that would erase any thought of whatever it was that was bothering me. But these were just temporary fixes. Because sooner or later, I'd find myself all alone and not knowing what to do. And that's where I really would panic. Because the last thing you want to do is deal with something you didn't wanna deal with. We were taught "the easy way out" in most situations. But as I've grown up and gone through heartbreak after heartbreak, I've realized that running away from a painful experience and not accepting it and letting yourself heal from it will only bring you back to the situation from where you started. It's like running laps and not knowing when is the race is actually over.

I still forget to breathe somedays and other times I'll get bursts of energy and motivation to feel absolutely optimistic only to be followed by a few seconds of worry and doubt of what's to happen in the future. But this is all part of the process; all part of MY process.

So I'm still learning to relax and let go. I'm still learning to accept things out of my control. I'm still learning to love people despite what they've done to me or to my self-worth. I'm still learning to be confident and to be able to stand alone when I have nowhere else to go. I'm still learning to be completely alone sometimes especially when it's scary. I'm still learning to hope again that one day everything I've ever wanted for myself will fall into place at the right time and in the right moment. Learning to accept that I will not know when that time is, is probably the most important thing to learn from all of this.

QOTD

"We all experience pockets of time in life when we gracefully and slowly sail toward a spiritual 'rock bottom,' or spiral toward it clumsily at lightning speed. But the rate of the fall isn't nearly as important as the evidence that we're awakened by the process. Because sensing that process, a shift in our core alignment and purpose, and grabbing a hold of it along the way shows us that we want to illuminate our true selves and share it with the world. It demonstrates that we may be off of the course on which we thought we belonged but we're open to the new one that's being paved. And even when the balloon appears to have flown so far off into the distance we can hardly see it, we'll navigate the toughest roads and scale the highest mountains until we grasp it again."

From "Gabrielle Berstein: A Dose of Wisdom, Tips, and Spirituality"
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/victoria-oldridge/gabrielle-bernstein-a-dose-of-wisdom-tips-and-spirituality_b_4338313.html

Color Aura Test

I noticed on someone's Facebook status results from a quiz they took. I usually don't pay any attention to quiz results on the Internet, let alone someone else's. It was a quiz about the true color of one's aura. An aura is apparently an energy or a quality that surrounds one's person. Something you don't literally see someone shooting out of their body like a bright light but rather an emanation or "vibe" in my own words. I was a bit skeptical but after I took the quiz and read my results, I was like "Damnnnn that is me!" Here are my results and I guess if you know me, you see if this fits me:

Blue

Your Aura is Blue!

Personality: Blue’s are very loyal and can be the truest friend any aura could hope to find. On the inside, blues tend to be emotional and even a bit moody. However, you know that other auras depend on you, so you put on a strong front. They tend to live a quiet but enriching life. Blues are very giving of them and is hard to let go of relationships. They believe the key to living a good life is simple: Be as honest with yourselves and others as possible. They value the truth over everything else. Blue will remain loyal to those who are honest with them, even if their honesty hurts. Compared to most other auras, blues handle the truth very well. They take every event into stride. Blues are the calm spot in a sea of chaos. They think that the solution to most problems is open communication; they wish that people would be more real with each other. A Blue personality uses its five physical senses to access information. An emotionally driven personality, you need to be liked and accepted. It is one of the "needs" that can cause apprehension in your personality. You are a polite, cooperative person who seeks to create conflict-free surroundings. You possess highly developed powers of observation. Family is important to you and you sometimes find yourself in the role of being a caretaker. You are conservative, reliable and trustworthy - you are quite trusting of others although you are very wary in the beginning until you are sure of the other person. You are not impulsive- you always think before you speak and act and do everything at your own pace in your own time. You take time to process and share your feelings. You are genuine and sincere, and you take your responsibilities seriously. You have a deep need for peace and harmony in your everyday life. You appear to be confident and self-controlled, but may be hiding your vulnerable side. You are generally fairly even-tempered, unless your emotions take over - then you can become either moody and over-emotional, or cool and indifferent. You are sensitive to the needs of others. While you are friendly and sociable, you prefer the company of your own close group of friends. You are a rescuer and love to be needed. You can be rigid - you like to stick to what is familiar to you- you stubbornly do things your way even if there is a better way. Untidiness and unpredictability overwhelm you. You don't like to draw attention to yourself. While you don't like to have discord or conflict in your life, you are often the cause of conflict with others; you can be quite manipulative but in a very subtle way. You make a loyal and faithful marriage partner and you are an honest, trustworthy and sincere friend. You are aware of others feelings and sensitive to the moods of others. You are approachable and friendly, always making people feel welcome in your life. You have a thirst for knowledge in order to gain wisdom and appear knowledgeable in whatever area interests you. You can be too cautious and worry about every little thing.

Love Life: Relationships are your top priority, and this includes love. You are most happy when you are serious with someone.

Yellow: Too annoying to even take a liking to

Pink: You are very lucky if Pink even pays attention to you, their reputation may be in the way to start a relationship with them

Green: Another perfect match for blue! They have one of those personalities that make you want to be around them all the time.

Orange: They believe they are way too good for blues, which is not true at all!!

Purple: Without Blue there would not even be a purple, they are the best bet at finding your soul mate

White: Their studies get in the way from every flirtatious move you make to them

Perfect Color Love Match: Red: Committed and Passionate they are definitely a good mate 

Friendship Color: When you and purple are together no one can stop you!

Color Opposite:Your color wheel opposite is Orange. Orange people may be opinionated, but you feel they lack the depth to truly understand what they're saying

Words that Describe Blue: Emotional, Affected, Sensitive, Peaceful, Tranquil, Connected, Spiritual, Experimental, and Deep

Purpose of Life:Showing Love to Other People

To take the quiz and find out the true (or "true" if you're skeptical) color of your aura, here is the link: http://www.quotev.com/quiz/1366538/What-is-Your-True-Color-Aura/ 

Say Something

It only took me a few days too long to find out what a great song this is. Unfortunately it's sad...in a good way. I'm not sure if that makes sense: Things that are sad in a good way. I feel as if music is one of the few things that encompasses sad but beautiful pieces of art. Well, now I guess art could also be considered sad but beautiful. Whatever.

The song is pretty tragic, I'm not gonna lie. I watched the live performance on last night's AMAs and even I was on the verge of tears and it was the first time I heard the song. My roommate's mom actually cried watching it. I'm surprised I was able to hold it together. The lyrics basically explain the song - according to Tris McCall of New Jersey's The Star Ledger, "Axel’s narrator is delivering an ultimatum to somebody he doesn’t want to give up on, but feels that he has to for the sake of his own sanity. It’s left unclear why, but there are strong hints in the song that the person who is being addressed is addicted to something." Both members of A Great Big World, Chad Vaccarino and Ian Axel, were suffering from their own personal heartbreaks when working on the song together, so in a way it was sort of like therapy for them. 

It was kind of painful listening to the lyrics. The song is beautiful but the lyrics are just so fucking honest. I mean, how many times have you or someone you know been in a situation where you are really at your wit's end with someone but you can't give up on them? Or you refuse to give up on them? But what it really is doing is tearing you up inside, making you feel like your emotions are getting torn like little pieces of paper by some really frustrating child who won't stop tearing up those pieces of paper. It's like "Can you please, stop ripping up that paper? That's like my mind, body and soul you're tearing up right now and I have NO CLUE as to why you're doing that." All the while, the stupid kid won't listen nor will they stop smiling at your sadness. Okay, I got a little too carried away but how else can you explain that sort of pain. Like really? How?!

As painful as it is to love someone where you really don't benefit from the repercussions to follow, sometimes you really just have to put yourself first. And that...is really fucking scary. When you've done all you can and there's nothing you can do can help this person, whether it's an emotional struggle or physical ailment, you have to let go. And that's tough in many different degrees for everyone. It's really, frickin' tough. 

The music video (which you will be able to enjoy below, or maybe not so much enjoy) touches upon three different stories that the song can essentially be about: heartbreak, loneliness, and loss. Prepare to wipe your face because snot is going to come out of it when you cry at this number. And it's okay to think about your own life and relate to the song and feel a little sad after. You're allowed. Lyrics are underneath.


Say Something - A Great Big World & Christina Aguilera\

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
And anywhere, I would have followed you.
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I'm giving up on you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
Say something...

Truth Bomb Tuesday

Stay positive. 

Tyler Knott Gregson

I didn't hear of this poet until I saw some of his stuff on Pinterest and Instagram.

If you're ever feeling down or stuck...