I'm afraid to read your letter because it'll just bring back all of those good memories that aren't there anymore. Your letter is in the top drawer of my dresser with the frosted glass. You know, the one I bought from IKEA and sent a picture to you after I finished putting it together. I remember you told me I did a great job and you really liked the color of my walls. But you never got to see the color close up nor did you get to see the drawers, or me for that matter.
I'm afraid to read your letter because it'll just show me the promises and hope that was easily taken away from me. Just as easy as it was for you to write that letter. I'm sorry for saying that and I'm sorry if it comes off as harsh. But I think you and I were so keen on telling each other the truth; what I hope was the truth and still is the truth. It's really hard for you to think about that stuff right now. You're trying, which is good.
I'm afraid to read your letter because it'll take me back to that place. That emotional, loving, vulnerable place. And although I do still keep you in my heart and there hasn't gone a day without me thinking about you, I refuse to revisit that letter and read what you wrote. It'll break my heart. It'll turn my pretty decent day into an anxiety-ridden night of tossing and turning and downright missing you. I miss you, you know that? No surprise there, you'll say.
I'm afraid to read your letter because I'll cry. I mean, I've been crying if that's what will make you feel better - just knowing that I'm a completely shattered person and putting myself together is like a blind man looking for his glasses in a large open space with only white noise in the background. I still go out and have fun with my friends but your in my head still. You're untouchable and I can't do much about that. Part of me wants to keep you there just in case you want to come back and show me those promises up close and personal.
I have no more eggs because I placed them all in this mysterious basket that I just can't seem to remember where I placed. There's no point of searching for it either. I'll remember with time. As Sanctus Real sang, "Sometimes the truth ain't easy to find...But I'm learning that these things take time."
I saved your voicemails too. I listened to them not too long ago. Although hearing your voice was refreshing, those words you wrote me this past summer are things you wouldn't normally share over the phone. Amazing, heartfelt words. I just can't read them right now. I'm still that blind man looking for his glasses in a large open space with only white noise in the background.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Go Away...
Please. Just for now. Meow hiss.
I'm leaving my phone in the car for the time being.
I'm sorry.
PS: This isn't a picture of me. But doesn't she have my hair and mannerisms?
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Don't you worry child...
This song + my life currently = assurance.
My insides are dancing like all these peeps. RIP SHM.
gimme some time, jiggas.
gimme some time, jiggas.
Monday, September 10, 2012
40 MORE Things You Should Know Before Dating Me
In regards, to the previous 40 things, here are 40 more. And if you haven't read the first 40 then you should before you read these 40. Just came back from a run in mah new shoez and felt inspired. Meow. Woof.
1. Pet names, I'm guilty. Consider yourself lucky if I don't call you by your real name. Real names are dull. Okay, not really, but seriously...how do you expect me to get comfortable with you without a nickname? Nicknames are boss and cool and say things like, "Hey, I'm cool enough to be called something other than my real name. Only my parents call me by my real name. Lame sauce!"
2. I rape New York Magazine's Restaurant and Bar section of the website. It's maddening how many great and famazing places there are in the 13.4 mile-long island and surrounding burroughs. Fiddlesticks, I really wanna go on dates at all these places. It's just a matter of finding the right company, and if you consist of that right company, then you're all taken care of. At least for that night. And if my bank account allows it. Moreover, you have to be fucking nice is what it comes down to. I'm not taking you to Frank or ABC Kitchen if you're gonna treat me like dog shit.
3. If you intrigue me, I will smile. You may not know it but I'm smiling.
4. I say "anyways," rather than the grammatically correct, "anyway." I add the s. Why? Just 'cause. And if it's a make or break of you dating me, then you can sit by yourself. Forever.
5. The older I get, the nicer I try to be. However, the nicer I try to be, I don't always receive the responses I'd like to hear. Example: If I try to be sweet to you and you respond sarcastically, I'll feel defeated. I'm sorry but I will.
6. In regards to #5, I'm also quite sensitive. But don't really show it :\
7. I think about sex during the day more often than at night.
8. The company I currently work for is somewhat lax with their personal phone use policy. To be honest, we don't have a personal phone use policy. But I can text. So don't think I'm uber needy if I'm texting you during my work hours. Or calling you on an extended break. I'm great at multitasking and that doesn't just apply to using a phone.
9. I won't make the first move. I just won't. I'll imply for it to happen. I'll hint at your ability to "go in for the kill." I'll even meet you half way (okay, more like you come in 60% and I'll go in 40% in terms of kissing). But I just can't get myself to put on my big girl pants and make the first move! At least not yet.
10. I have a pretty good memory, so don't lie. Or at least try not to. Better yet, simply quit while you're ahead. I'll catch up, put pieces together, and eventually question you. Sorry, but I'm not trying to be made a fool especially when I'm willing to take you to Frank or ABC Kitchen (see #2).
11. I'll make you mix CDs and hope to God you like the songs.
12. If I'm having a really shitty day and I plan on seeing you, I will genuinely ask you for a hug because I genuinely need one in my overwhelmed state. And please respond kindly. Who doesn't like hugs?
13. If I feel the need to console you for some odd reason, I'll pat and/or rub the top of your back for a good second or two. Just let it happen.
14. I'm that type of girl who smiles at her phone when you text me. I mean, if it's something nice of course. Who would smile at a text like, "You're being a sensitive cunt. I don't want to talk to you right meow or go to Frank with you."
15. I listen to inspirational, Christian music on the radio to and from work. Don't ask. But those songs really get me through some tough times, especially as of late. One time, I was driving home and I heard this song, and I started bawling. Legit, #bawling. If this means you'll stop seeing me and talking to me, then you are definitely not worth expensive dinner dates and back rubs. Fuh you!
16. I'll have those days where I'm just sad for no reason. It has nothing to do with you. I'm just sad. And I'll secretly hope you'll console me with a hug or some inspirational words.
17. I read here and there. I usually read obscure literature. Like right now, I'm reading C.S. Lewis. I think it'd be so cute if you gave me a book to read and wrote me a little note in it. I'd keep it forever even if I didn't read the whole thing.
18. I'll miss you more when I drink wine with my friends. I'm currently doing that right meow with three of my besties.
19. Body pillows. They are famazing. When you're not around...yeah, I'll be putting my crotch on that and cuddling like a sad puppy in need of some lovin'.
20. In regards to #19, I'm big on cuddling. I cuddled with my mama this past weekend because I was feeling really down and didn't want to be alone. I'm sorry but I love my mama and if she's willing to be the only one to love me then so be it.
21. Eventually, I would like to say goodnight to you. Whether it's via text or a brief phonecall, I would want to say goodnight to you no matter if you're out with friends or taking an early night in.
22. As much as I love Williamsburg and the #hipster lifestyle, I can't fathom fully dressing like one. I mean, I try but it never works out. Just don't judge me if I wear herrem pants on a date. If I do, that means I'm #extremely comfortable around you.
23. I'm drunk, please don't judge me for blogging right meow.
24. I've said this before, if I'm out with friends and I'm drunk, I'll expect you to pay attention to me when you text me.
25. I will want to send you e-mails of things that pop up on my Twitter that remind me of yew.
26. I will secretly hope you have a partially romantic side to you. I mean, I do. SoooOOOoooo, it would only make sense? Idk.
27. I have the worst sounding morning voice. I used to talk to someone who thought it was "so sexy" but no. It's not. I sound like raspy senior citizen who lives in nursing home miserable, sad, and alone. Or widowed. Depending on when you die.
28. I will support you. If you're working in the circus or about to get an abortion, I will support you. Look, my motto is, "If I'm gonna love ya, I'm gonna love all of ya." But...that depends on a lot. Like a lot.
29. You show me the same amount of effort that I put into a relationship, if not more, I will treat you like a queen, a princess, like fucking Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge.
30. I would want to read to you. Usually, I like sharing interesting Thought Catalog articles with people and I will insist on reading them out loud to you whether over the phone or in person.
31. I'm big on tone and sometimes texting can be a little much for me, especially if I don't know your sense of humor or can't read your interest level. I may become stand offish without assurance that you're joking/still interested/not being a huge dick of a person/etc. Refer to #6.
32. I've played games when I dated before and as I get older, that's becoming more of a hassle than a fun time. Dating should be fun, not strategic. So don't try sinking my battleship by being a asshole.Thanks.
33. Phone > Texting. Depending on the time and place.
34. I used to have the hardest time accepting compliments. But you know what? It just goes to show you that someone is just trying to be nice. And that's what I try to do these days without losing all sense of my wit, sarcasm, and cynicism. So dammit, if I say you smell good or look good, then take it. Don't "blame" it on the fact that you showered for the first time in 13 days or I'm just looking at you from a certain angle.
35. I'm not a klepto but I'll ask you if I can have something that you're wearing. Not in a weird way though. More of like a childish, "gimme gimme" way. I'll insist on trading with you something of equal or lesser value (lesser if I'm being honest) of my own, but over time I'll just keep whatever is yours and say I'm "taking good care of it temporarily." You won't get it back. And I probably won't end up trading anything of mine with you.
36. I'm not that great at planning dates. I'm good at making suggestions, meeting you at said destination at said time, and even being a team player and trying new grub, drinks, blah blah blah. But when it comes to planning, I'm better at planning roadtrips and social gatherings. I think.
37. I'm slightly self-conscious about my writing and if you show little to no interest in reading my blog, or you seem like a judgmental person, you're never reading this.
38. I do believe that first impressions are quite important. So don't be a dick.
39. I would hope that you in some way at least try to take care of yourself (i.e. decent night's rest, a little exercise even if that amounts to stretching in the morning or cracking your knuckles, have some sort of ambition even if that means determination to finish your plate of food or alcoholic beverage, etc.). Essentially, don't be a slug.
40. I will do everything in my power to make you smile. I promise you that :)
1. Pet names, I'm guilty. Consider yourself lucky if I don't call you by your real name. Real names are dull. Okay, not really, but seriously...how do you expect me to get comfortable with you without a nickname? Nicknames are boss and cool and say things like, "Hey, I'm cool enough to be called something other than my real name. Only my parents call me by my real name. Lame sauce!"
2. I rape New York Magazine's Restaurant and Bar section of the website. It's maddening how many great and famazing places there are in the 13.4 mile-long island and surrounding burroughs. Fiddlesticks, I really wanna go on dates at all these places. It's just a matter of finding the right company, and if you consist of that right company, then you're all taken care of. At least for that night. And if my bank account allows it. Moreover, you have to be fucking nice is what it comes down to. I'm not taking you to Frank or ABC Kitchen if you're gonna treat me like dog shit.
3. If you intrigue me, I will smile. You may not know it but I'm smiling.
4. I say "anyways," rather than the grammatically correct, "anyway." I add the s. Why? Just 'cause. And if it's a make or break of you dating me, then you can sit by yourself. Forever.
5. The older I get, the nicer I try to be. However, the nicer I try to be, I don't always receive the responses I'd like to hear. Example: If I try to be sweet to you and you respond sarcastically, I'll feel defeated. I'm sorry but I will.
6. In regards to #5, I'm also quite sensitive. But don't really show it :\
7. I think about sex during the day more often than at night.
8. The company I currently work for is somewhat lax with their personal phone use policy. To be honest, we don't have a personal phone use policy. But I can text. So don't think I'm uber needy if I'm texting you during my work hours. Or calling you on an extended break. I'm great at multitasking and that doesn't just apply to using a phone.
9. I won't make the first move. I just won't. I'll imply for it to happen. I'll hint at your ability to "go in for the kill." I'll even meet you half way (okay, more like you come in 60% and I'll go in 40% in terms of kissing). But I just can't get myself to put on my big girl pants and make the first move! At least not yet.
10. I have a pretty good memory, so don't lie. Or at least try not to. Better yet, simply quit while you're ahead. I'll catch up, put pieces together, and eventually question you. Sorry, but I'm not trying to be made a fool especially when I'm willing to take you to Frank or ABC Kitchen (see #2).
11. I'll make you mix CDs and hope to God you like the songs.
12. If I'm having a really shitty day and I plan on seeing you, I will genuinely ask you for a hug because I genuinely need one in my overwhelmed state. And please respond kindly. Who doesn't like hugs?
13. If I feel the need to console you for some odd reason, I'll pat and/or rub the top of your back for a good second or two. Just let it happen.
14. I'm that type of girl who smiles at her phone when you text me. I mean, if it's something nice of course. Who would smile at a text like, "You're being a sensitive cunt. I don't want to talk to you right meow or go to Frank with you."
15. I listen to inspirational, Christian music on the radio to and from work. Don't ask. But those songs really get me through some tough times, especially as of late. One time, I was driving home and I heard this song, and I started bawling. Legit, #bawling. If this means you'll stop seeing me and talking to me, then you are definitely not worth expensive dinner dates and back rubs. Fuh you!
16. I'll have those days where I'm just sad for no reason. It has nothing to do with you. I'm just sad. And I'll secretly hope you'll console me with a hug or some inspirational words.
17. I read here and there. I usually read obscure literature. Like right now, I'm reading C.S. Lewis. I think it'd be so cute if you gave me a book to read and wrote me a little note in it. I'd keep it forever even if I didn't read the whole thing.
18. I'll miss you more when I drink wine with my friends. I'm currently doing that right meow with three of my besties.
19. Body pillows. They are famazing. When you're not around...yeah, I'll be putting my crotch on that and cuddling like a sad puppy in need of some lovin'.
20. In regards to #19, I'm big on cuddling. I cuddled with my mama this past weekend because I was feeling really down and didn't want to be alone. I'm sorry but I love my mama and if she's willing to be the only one to love me then so be it.
21. Eventually, I would like to say goodnight to you. Whether it's via text or a brief phonecall, I would want to say goodnight to you no matter if you're out with friends or taking an early night in.
22. As much as I love Williamsburg and the #hipster lifestyle, I can't fathom fully dressing like one. I mean, I try but it never works out. Just don't judge me if I wear herrem pants on a date. If I do, that means I'm #extremely comfortable around you.
23. I'm drunk, please don't judge me for blogging right meow.
24. I've said this before, if I'm out with friends and I'm drunk, I'll expect you to pay attention to me when you text me.
25. I will want to send you e-mails of things that pop up on my Twitter that remind me of yew.
26. I will secretly hope you have a partially romantic side to you. I mean, I do. SoooOOOoooo, it would only make sense? Idk.
27. I have the worst sounding morning voice. I used to talk to someone who thought it was "so sexy" but no. It's not. I sound like raspy senior citizen who lives in nursing home miserable, sad, and alone. Or widowed. Depending on when you die.
28. I will support you. If you're working in the circus or about to get an abortion, I will support you. Look, my motto is, "If I'm gonna love ya, I'm gonna love all of ya." But...that depends on a lot. Like a lot.
29. You show me the same amount of effort that I put into a relationship, if not more, I will treat you like a queen, a princess, like fucking Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge.
30. I would want to read to you. Usually, I like sharing interesting Thought Catalog articles with people and I will insist on reading them out loud to you whether over the phone or in person.
31. I'm big on tone and sometimes texting can be a little much for me, especially if I don't know your sense of humor or can't read your interest level. I may become stand offish without assurance that you're joking/still interested/not being a huge dick of a person/etc. Refer to #6.
32. I've played games when I dated before and as I get older, that's becoming more of a hassle than a fun time. Dating should be fun, not strategic. So don't try sinking my battleship by being a asshole.Thanks.
33. Phone > Texting. Depending on the time and place.
34. I used to have the hardest time accepting compliments. But you know what? It just goes to show you that someone is just trying to be nice. And that's what I try to do these days without losing all sense of my wit, sarcasm, and cynicism. So dammit, if I say you smell good or look good, then take it. Don't "blame" it on the fact that you showered for the first time in 13 days or I'm just looking at you from a certain angle.
35. I'm not a klepto but I'll ask you if I can have something that you're wearing. Not in a weird way though. More of like a childish, "gimme gimme" way. I'll insist on trading with you something of equal or lesser value (lesser if I'm being honest) of my own, but over time I'll just keep whatever is yours and say I'm "taking good care of it temporarily." You won't get it back. And I probably won't end up trading anything of mine with you.
36. I'm not that great at planning dates. I'm good at making suggestions, meeting you at said destination at said time, and even being a team player and trying new grub, drinks, blah blah blah. But when it comes to planning, I'm better at planning roadtrips and social gatherings. I think.
37. I'm slightly self-conscious about my writing and if you show little to no interest in reading my blog, or you seem like a judgmental person, you're never reading this.
38. I do believe that first impressions are quite important. So don't be a dick.
39. I would hope that you in some way at least try to take care of yourself (i.e. decent night's rest, a little exercise even if that amounts to stretching in the morning or cracking your knuckles, have some sort of ambition even if that means determination to finish your plate of food or alcoholic beverage, etc.). Essentially, don't be a slug.
40. I will do everything in my power to make you smile. I promise you that :)
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
I used to be afraid of summer
Summer is the season to leave your inhibitions at bay, enjoy the hot, sweaty sunshine with your breast frans, and kiss strangers without giving a shit. Just don't get mono. Summer concerts, barbecues, rooftop hangouts, getting tan, beachin' it, BONFIRES, sandy sex (I wonder if summer is when the cocktail Sex on the Beach was created), watermelon grins, ice cold brewskies, tank tops, shorts, flippy floppies, and leaving the hair straightener 'OFF' all season because beach hair is more sustainable in humidity. I'm sure there are other terms associated with the sweet, sweet summahtime...but my job doesn't offer summer Fridays so we're not gonna talk about it, k?!
Essentially, summer is when you can give a huge middle finger to reality. "Hey, what's up real life? How've you been? Yeah? Winter did suck because being that frostbitten for four months isn't fun. And the springtime? Well, it's nice but those flowers and bees and pollen flying everywhere isn't doing wonders for my allergies. But the SUMMERTIME? Yeah, that's my jam! So I'm gonna do that for a few months before I have to start looking more put together in the fall. Peace, bitch."
Vacations and roadtrips, camping excursions and visiting old friends. Seeing new places out of spontaneity, hanging out at beer gardens and vegging out on a towel with sand in your crack...that's summer.
I remember last summer. Huff. It was fun but full of a lot of uhh...hmm...exhaustion? Recklessness? Car totalling? No sense of self? Well, a little sense of self but Jesus Christ it was tough. TOUGH. Huff.
But after last summer I used to think, "Man, I hate this season. It brings back so many unwanted memories and situations and toxicity. I don't want to do that again." I was confused and crazy. Still am a little. I cried a lot. I hated people. I did everything and anything to get my mind of what was consuming it. Not a great way to deal with things.
I'd still consider myself a little like my last summer self. Just a bit more vocal. A bit more wary and cautious. Cynical. Kind. Hopeful. Still a bit confused. Scared. Thankful for the help I have and receive. Probably a little more emotional. A little more anxious. A little bit broken, closed off. A few pounds lighter. Spiritual definitely. I try more. I try to be a lot more patient and a little less negative. It's tough sometimes. But it was enjoyable to say the least. I was happier this year. I was heartbroken too. I guess the two balance each other out. I don't know really know right now. All I know is that this summer was a little better than last year. I still had the same amount of fun just with much more heat in the air. I grew a little. Not by much but enough to accept and notice change. Trying to accept change still.
And now that summer is over. Part of me is dreading the fall. I have so much to learn and I guess to look forward to?
We shall see.
Essentially, summer is when you can give a huge middle finger to reality. "Hey, what's up real life? How've you been? Yeah? Winter did suck because being that frostbitten for four months isn't fun. And the springtime? Well, it's nice but those flowers and bees and pollen flying everywhere isn't doing wonders for my allergies. But the SUMMERTIME? Yeah, that's my jam! So I'm gonna do that for a few months before I have to start looking more put together in the fall. Peace, bitch."
Vacations and roadtrips, camping excursions and visiting old friends. Seeing new places out of spontaneity, hanging out at beer gardens and vegging out on a towel with sand in your crack...that's summer.
I remember last summer. Huff. It was fun but full of a lot of uhh...hmm...exhaustion? Recklessness? Car totalling? No sense of self? Well, a little sense of self but Jesus Christ it was tough. TOUGH. Huff.
But after last summer I used to think, "Man, I hate this season. It brings back so many unwanted memories and situations and toxicity. I don't want to do that again." I was confused and crazy. Still am a little. I cried a lot. I hated people. I did everything and anything to get my mind of what was consuming it. Not a great way to deal with things.
I'd still consider myself a little like my last summer self. Just a bit more vocal. A bit more wary and cautious. Cynical. Kind. Hopeful. Still a bit confused. Scared. Thankful for the help I have and receive. Probably a little more emotional. A little more anxious. A little bit broken, closed off. A few pounds lighter. Spiritual definitely. I try more. I try to be a lot more patient and a little less negative. It's tough sometimes. But it was enjoyable to say the least. I was happier this year. I was heartbroken too. I guess the two balance each other out. I don't know really know right now. All I know is that this summer was a little better than last year. I still had the same amount of fun just with much more heat in the air. I grew a little. Not by much but enough to accept and notice change. Trying to accept change still.
And now that summer is over. Part of me is dreading the fall. I have so much to learn and I guess to look forward to?
We shall see.
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