I listened to this on the way to work today...WHOMP.
Nothing - The Script
Am I better off dead?
Am I better off a quitter?
They say I'm better off now
Than I ever was with her
As they take me to my local down the street
I'm smiling but I'm dying trying not to drag my feet
They say a few drinks will help me to forget her
But after one too many I know that I'll never
Only they can’t see where this is gonna end
They all think I'm crazy but to me it's perfect sense
And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind, turn it all around
And I know that I'm drunk but I’ll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they’re slurred
So I, dialed her number and confessed to her
I'm still in love but all I heard
Was nothing (nothing, nothing, nothing)
So I stumble there, along the railings and the fences
I know if we're face to face then she'll come to her senses
Every drunk step I take leads me to her door
If she sees how much I'm hurting, she'll take me back for sure
And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind, turn it all around
And I know that I'm drunk but I’ll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they’re slurred
So I, dialed her number and confessed to her
I'm still in love but all I heard
Was nothing (nothing, nothing)
She said nothing (nothing, nothing)
Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh, I got nothing (nothing, nothing)
I got nothing (nothing, nothing)
Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Ohh, sometimes love's intoxicating
Ohh, you're coming down, your hands are shaking
When you realize there's no one waiting
Am I better off dead?
Am I better off a quitter?
They say I'm better off now
Than I ever was with her
And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind, turn it all around
And I know that I'm drunk but I’ll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they’re slurred
So I, dialed her number and confessed to her
I'm still in love but all I heard
Was nothing (nothing, nothing)
She said nothing (nothing, nothing)
Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh, I got nothing (nothing, nothing)
I got nothing (nothing, nothing)
Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh, I got nothing (nothing, nothing, nothing)
I got nothing [x3]
Friday, April 26, 2013
Friday, April 19, 2013
I don't have nightmares but not sleeping is just as bad
I don't know if it's the new job stress that's causing it, but I'm having trouble sleeping so far this week. I have one more day left at the new job before I can celebrate the weekend. I haven't touched a drink this week because I want to savor my first one after an accomplished week of new work, completed spreadsheets and tired eyes that can finally rest for two days until Monday comes back around.
There's so much I wish I could share with you. So much. But I'm scared. I'm not ready. I feel like the first thing I'll say is "wha happened, mang?!"
Still the confusion lingers and I feel my heart drop into my chest when I think about it at night. There's so much focus I'm putting into my new job that I don't have time to zone out during the day. So it comes at night when I'm ready to sleep for a few hours before my alarm goes off a lot earlier than it used to. And when my heart drops as I think about things more deeply, I feel my eyes get wet under my closed eye lids.
My heart kind of stoops down to a whole new low and I feel that sadness creep back in. I shake it away but I know it'll be back and that's the pattern it'll be like at least for a while. Until I no longer think about it or wonder where you've gone off to.
I know you probably think "Jesus, can't this bitch just get the fuck over it?" But remember, you and I are very passionate about life and when we feel things they're ten times stronger than the ordinary person. It's like lightening and fireworks to us when everyone else just sees a dim fire burning.
That's something I'll always admire about you: your passion. So don't let it die no matter where you may be.
I used to be afraid to go to sleep when I was younger. I used to be afraid of the dark at that age. As I got older and started to date someone and things were on the rocks I used to be afraid to go to sleep because that meant I'd be alone and not know what tomorrow brings when a relationship was confusing and unknown. Like my fate wasn't decided. I'd forget to breathe, panic a little, and have the urge to just reach out to that person.
Later on, I'd be afraid to go to sleep if I didn't hear from you. I'd get worried as if something terrible was happening. As if the last time we'd speak would be earlier in the day and that was it. And then you would call whether it was a few minutes or a few hours after my panic-stricken moment and that feeling would subside. Sometimes I'd get crabby about it but such a sigh of relief would come over me that it didn't even matter anymore. I was just relieved to finally here from you; to hear your voice.
But now, I try to go to sleep and shut my eyes to the quiet darkness. I lay in bed, say my prayers, and try to rest knowing I won't hear from you, that you're gone without any word. That the last time we spoke I thought it wouldn't be the last time but it was. I kinda just let myself feel what I'm feeling. I don't fight it anymore, I don't panic. I just let it happen until it goes away long enough for my mind to shut down and I fall asleep. It may be late but it eventually happens haha.
I don't know what's worse: falling asleep soundly but waking to a terrible nightmare or losing sleep because my mind is stuck on the confusion and hurt of an emotionally traumatic experience. Either way, I end up losing. But I wake up every day, knowing it's new and I gotta get through it to survive. Then another night rolls around and the pattern continues until things get easier.
It's getting late. I should try to sleep.
There's so much I wish I could share with you. So much. But I'm scared. I'm not ready. I feel like the first thing I'll say is "wha happened, mang?!"
Still the confusion lingers and I feel my heart drop into my chest when I think about it at night. There's so much focus I'm putting into my new job that I don't have time to zone out during the day. So it comes at night when I'm ready to sleep for a few hours before my alarm goes off a lot earlier than it used to. And when my heart drops as I think about things more deeply, I feel my eyes get wet under my closed eye lids.
My heart kind of stoops down to a whole new low and I feel that sadness creep back in. I shake it away but I know it'll be back and that's the pattern it'll be like at least for a while. Until I no longer think about it or wonder where you've gone off to.
I know you probably think "Jesus, can't this bitch just get the fuck over it?" But remember, you and I are very passionate about life and when we feel things they're ten times stronger than the ordinary person. It's like lightening and fireworks to us when everyone else just sees a dim fire burning.
That's something I'll always admire about you: your passion. So don't let it die no matter where you may be.
I used to be afraid to go to sleep when I was younger. I used to be afraid of the dark at that age. As I got older and started to date someone and things were on the rocks I used to be afraid to go to sleep because that meant I'd be alone and not know what tomorrow brings when a relationship was confusing and unknown. Like my fate wasn't decided. I'd forget to breathe, panic a little, and have the urge to just reach out to that person.
Later on, I'd be afraid to go to sleep if I didn't hear from you. I'd get worried as if something terrible was happening. As if the last time we'd speak would be earlier in the day and that was it. And then you would call whether it was a few minutes or a few hours after my panic-stricken moment and that feeling would subside. Sometimes I'd get crabby about it but such a sigh of relief would come over me that it didn't even matter anymore. I was just relieved to finally here from you; to hear your voice.
But now, I try to go to sleep and shut my eyes to the quiet darkness. I lay in bed, say my prayers, and try to rest knowing I won't hear from you, that you're gone without any word. That the last time we spoke I thought it wouldn't be the last time but it was. I kinda just let myself feel what I'm feeling. I don't fight it anymore, I don't panic. I just let it happen until it goes away long enough for my mind to shut down and I fall asleep. It may be late but it eventually happens haha.
I don't know what's worse: falling asleep soundly but waking to a terrible nightmare or losing sleep because my mind is stuck on the confusion and hurt of an emotionally traumatic experience. Either way, I end up losing. But I wake up every day, knowing it's new and I gotta get through it to survive. Then another night rolls around and the pattern continues until things get easier.
It's getting late. I should try to sleep.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Saturday, April 6, 2013
I sometimes wonder...
Yesterday was the first day that it actually felt like spring. 64 degrees and sunny. Oh, how I can't wait to take my lunch breaks outside and people watch in the city soon. The weekend forecasts clear skies at night where you can actually see the stars.
I can't remember the last time I looked up at the sky to see any stars. My dad told me they were out last night. Looks like they'll be out all weekend so star-gazing here I come.
I often wonder about you still. I mean, I can't help it. The wound is still fresh and picking at it now will only have it bleed. I can't help but wonder why still. I won't get any answer, I know, but I can't help but think as to how and why you could, would, or should have done that.
Like you've heard me say before, I'm not mad...just curious :)
We all have a plan of action in life and it's up to us whether we want that plan in motion or not. I don't know what yours was and I may never know. But I do know that you are fully capable of walking away without a sound. Like Pilate, you can wash your hands clean and be done with it. "Not my problem," you would probably say.
And it probably isn't because you can filter what feelings you want to feel and what ones you don't, and I am something you can filter out with ease. My feelings aren't yours so you don't have to worry about anything especially if you don't want to. Right?
You claim to have told many people close to you about me. I have done the same. It doesn't matter what you tell them. I'm not going to meet them anyways. You could tell them that I was the one who stood you up, who didn't respond, that I was the one who pulled away out of nowhere, who hurt you this time. It doesn't matter.
I'm honest with my friends about it. They know how I'm accepting things as they are even though it still hurts sometimes. I don't know what is to happen to the invisible red string we shared. I'm not sure if its broken or still intact and just tangled up right now. Maybe we'll never know. But on these clear spring nights, I'll look up at the stars and wonder.
I can't remember the last time I looked up at the sky to see any stars. My dad told me they were out last night. Looks like they'll be out all weekend so star-gazing here I come.
I often wonder about you still. I mean, I can't help it. The wound is still fresh and picking at it now will only have it bleed. I can't help but wonder why still. I won't get any answer, I know, but I can't help but think as to how and why you could, would, or should have done that.
Like you've heard me say before, I'm not mad...just curious :)
We all have a plan of action in life and it's up to us whether we want that plan in motion or not. I don't know what yours was and I may never know. But I do know that you are fully capable of walking away without a sound. Like Pilate, you can wash your hands clean and be done with it. "Not my problem," you would probably say.
And it probably isn't because you can filter what feelings you want to feel and what ones you don't, and I am something you can filter out with ease. My feelings aren't yours so you don't have to worry about anything especially if you don't want to. Right?
You claim to have told many people close to you about me. I have done the same. It doesn't matter what you tell them. I'm not going to meet them anyways. You could tell them that I was the one who stood you up, who didn't respond, that I was the one who pulled away out of nowhere, who hurt you this time. It doesn't matter.
I'm honest with my friends about it. They know how I'm accepting things as they are even though it still hurts sometimes. I don't know what is to happen to the invisible red string we shared. I'm not sure if its broken or still intact and just tangled up right now. Maybe we'll never know. But on these clear spring nights, I'll look up at the stars and wonder.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
A Letter
Hi,
I haven't spoken to you since last Wednesday. I'm actually not sure if I could consider last Wednesday the last time we spoke considering you were really busy at work and we only texted briefly during the day before you never responded to my last text or last phone call later that evening. You didn't answer my question about taking you to dinner on your birthday, which was the next day. And part of me expected not to see you but another part of me didn't expect not ever hearing from you again. I'm not mad. Just really sad, obviously hurt, and missing you. My friends probably think I'm crazy for doing so but... Actually, they're not. They know what I'm going through and are there to support me no matter what they do or don't disagree with.
Part of me is also confused since we were completely fine. I wouldn't necessarily say I was blind-sided; part of me did think something like this would happen again but I still held onto that glimmer of hope that I've been trying really hard to hold onto after more than a year of having you in my life. One thing I do want you to realize is that I gave you that time of myself that I can't get back. No mulligans in real life; I don't get a do over and if I do, it's in the present time. There's no rewinds to days we can regret or start over. So now, it's all about reflecting on that hurt, and being alone in the process. There's no candy in my phone I can call up to give me attention or to distract me from thinking about you. It won't do me any good and I wouldn't grow from that.
Allowing myself to feel this pain and facing it like a fear is what I have to do in order to accept things how they are, to move on as a better version of myself, and to eventually embrace this entire pain-ridden but at times joyful experience as a learning curve (joyful in a sense that you did make me happy, supported me, and listened to me the way any partner would for someone they love). I guess in order to really grow and change you have to take detour backwards a little bit, which is what I did. So I'm not at the place I wanted to be come time for my 24th birthday. I thought I'd be in a different place but things don't always go as planned (kinda like dinner). Unfortunately, learning from it now is going to be as challenging as it was to learn how to ride a bike. It's going to be challenging because of the time and emotion I've invested into you. The funny thing is that I gave you more than I had given anyone that I've actually dated. And I mean that. I shared so much of myself with you, who's been invisible to me the entire time I knew you.
I know you didn't want to hurt me again but things happen for a reason, and people will surprise you. For some reason, you couldn't tell me what was going on. I figured you'd let me know if you were too busy to talk as to not have me worried like you know I get when I don't hear from you for hours on end. But I don't know what you're going through right now. I don't know if I'll ever know. I do worry about you but what can I do? I can't sit there and call you numerous times telling you I'm worried because you decided to not contact me. And you haven't let me in enough to even get to the point where I can come to your rescue - I have no idea where you are.
You've told me that you never lied to me about anything and that you've always been honest with me, something that normal relationships sometimes lack. "Normal" in a sense that the two people see each other, spend time together and aren't separated by wireless signals and buttons on a screen the entire time they connected with each other. I used to wish for you to just be completely honest with me about everything. About why I can't see you, about anything you're hiding from me, about why you completely stopped talking to me without any explanation; a valid explanation. As much as it hurts anyone to not know the real answers to life's questions, it's something we just have to accept. And I need to accept that I will never know who you really are, where you really are, and what really happened to you even though I'll wonder.
Again, I'm not mad at you. And I've told my friends that. I've told my mom too. I'm just confused and hurt as to why a connection so strong and good (considering we were on good terms up until I never heard from you) would completely die out of nowhere. I oftentimes question why and what happened to us but sometimes questions can never be answered right away or at all for that matter. It's something I need to accept.
I hope that one day you truly get to that point where the stresses of your life don't collide with goals you want to accomplish. I know you get overwhelmed sometimes but I do believe you did come a long way from where you were, whether I was in your life or not. We both can agree that I pushed you more than any other person both in good ways and bad ones. I made you take off blind folds you had on, but you also became a strong enough person to take them off yourself. You may not want to admit that but I do believe that's true. And I'm happy for you.
I don't know how God is working on me but He is. And He's working on you too. My dad told me that God gives us each a cross that's tailor-made just for us. Kinda like how the wand picked Harry Potter. Only God knows how things will turn out. No matter how impatient we get with His plan, He knows how our lives will turn out. And we need to embrace it rather than fear it. And I've been living in fear of the future for far too long. "It's not gonna be easy, and sometimes it'll be hard. But it's going to be right," my dad said. And I truly believe that what we BOTH have gone through will help us become better individuals. I genuinely did mean it when I said I hope all of your wishes come true on your birthday. And it may not happen right away but eventually your life will fall into place the way you wanted it to.
Love,
Jules
I haven't spoken to you since last Wednesday. I'm actually not sure if I could consider last Wednesday the last time we spoke considering you were really busy at work and we only texted briefly during the day before you never responded to my last text or last phone call later that evening. You didn't answer my question about taking you to dinner on your birthday, which was the next day. And part of me expected not to see you but another part of me didn't expect not ever hearing from you again. I'm not mad. Just really sad, obviously hurt, and missing you. My friends probably think I'm crazy for doing so but... Actually, they're not. They know what I'm going through and are there to support me no matter what they do or don't disagree with.
Part of me is also confused since we were completely fine. I wouldn't necessarily say I was blind-sided; part of me did think something like this would happen again but I still held onto that glimmer of hope that I've been trying really hard to hold onto after more than a year of having you in my life. One thing I do want you to realize is that I gave you that time of myself that I can't get back. No mulligans in real life; I don't get a do over and if I do, it's in the present time. There's no rewinds to days we can regret or start over. So now, it's all about reflecting on that hurt, and being alone in the process. There's no candy in my phone I can call up to give me attention or to distract me from thinking about you. It won't do me any good and I wouldn't grow from that.
Allowing myself to feel this pain and facing it like a fear is what I have to do in order to accept things how they are, to move on as a better version of myself, and to eventually embrace this entire pain-ridden but at times joyful experience as a learning curve (joyful in a sense that you did make me happy, supported me, and listened to me the way any partner would for someone they love). I guess in order to really grow and change you have to take detour backwards a little bit, which is what I did. So I'm not at the place I wanted to be come time for my 24th birthday. I thought I'd be in a different place but things don't always go as planned (kinda like dinner). Unfortunately, learning from it now is going to be as challenging as it was to learn how to ride a bike. It's going to be challenging because of the time and emotion I've invested into you. The funny thing is that I gave you more than I had given anyone that I've actually dated. And I mean that. I shared so much of myself with you, who's been invisible to me the entire time I knew you.
I know you didn't want to hurt me again but things happen for a reason, and people will surprise you. For some reason, you couldn't tell me what was going on. I figured you'd let me know if you were too busy to talk as to not have me worried like you know I get when I don't hear from you for hours on end. But I don't know what you're going through right now. I don't know if I'll ever know. I do worry about you but what can I do? I can't sit there and call you numerous times telling you I'm worried because you decided to not contact me. And you haven't let me in enough to even get to the point where I can come to your rescue - I have no idea where you are.
You've told me that you never lied to me about anything and that you've always been honest with me, something that normal relationships sometimes lack. "Normal" in a sense that the two people see each other, spend time together and aren't separated by wireless signals and buttons on a screen the entire time they connected with each other. I used to wish for you to just be completely honest with me about everything. About why I can't see you, about anything you're hiding from me, about why you completely stopped talking to me without any explanation; a valid explanation. As much as it hurts anyone to not know the real answers to life's questions, it's something we just have to accept. And I need to accept that I will never know who you really are, where you really are, and what really happened to you even though I'll wonder.
Again, I'm not mad at you. And I've told my friends that. I've told my mom too. I'm just confused and hurt as to why a connection so strong and good (considering we were on good terms up until I never heard from you) would completely die out of nowhere. I oftentimes question why and what happened to us but sometimes questions can never be answered right away or at all for that matter. It's something I need to accept.
I hope that one day you truly get to that point where the stresses of your life don't collide with goals you want to accomplish. I know you get overwhelmed sometimes but I do believe you did come a long way from where you were, whether I was in your life or not. We both can agree that I pushed you more than any other person both in good ways and bad ones. I made you take off blind folds you had on, but you also became a strong enough person to take them off yourself. You may not want to admit that but I do believe that's true. And I'm happy for you.
I don't know how God is working on me but He is. And He's working on you too. My dad told me that God gives us each a cross that's tailor-made just for us. Kinda like how the wand picked Harry Potter. Only God knows how things will turn out. No matter how impatient we get with His plan, He knows how our lives will turn out. And we need to embrace it rather than fear it. And I've been living in fear of the future for far too long. "It's not gonna be easy, and sometimes it'll be hard. But it's going to be right," my dad said. And I truly believe that what we BOTH have gone through will help us become better individuals. I genuinely did mean it when I said I hope all of your wishes come true on your birthday. And it may not happen right away but eventually your life will fall into place the way you wanted it to.
Love,
Jules
Monday, April 1, 2013
I Care
I don't know where I'm going with this and I don't know how to put my emotions into words yet. But I just want you to listen to this song. Beyonce knows how to put my feelings into song kinda like Ellie Goulding.
I Care - Beyonce
I Care - Beyonce
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