Word.

Ready for the weekend

I had an up and down week. Terrible day yesterday. But now that I've scraped myself off of the pavement after I've fallen like the walking bag of emotions that I am (I HATE DATING!), I'm going to enjoy myself tonight - Calvin Harris at Pacha in NYC. Last time I went to Pacha, I was a freshman in college. I was groped by some guy high on Ecstasy on the house floor. He literally put his hands down my panties and felt my bare ass #frightening, #scarred. I had to have one of my friends save me.

This time, I'll be accompanied by my friend Kyle, a tall, lanky Irish boy with Weasley hair and fraggles. He's a great time and Calvin Harris's song "Flashback" was a staple when we studied abroad in Australia almost two years ago. If only everyone from Port Lodge could join us for this sold out event.

I blogged about CH months ago. His jams always put me in a better mood. And I'm hoping that this show will be the beginning of a great weekend.

Flashback - Calvin Harris

Star War vs. Glee Maship

This made me smile today :)

I want a hug like dis!

Put your foot down and be grateful

I guess this relates to new year resolutions but I had dinner with Stretch (yeah, we be good friends now) last weekend and we were talking about new year resolutions. I listed some of mine that I truly would like to work on: sitting up straighter, being more patient, and not being nice to people who aren't nice back. The last one may sound childish but she said, "Oh, that's a good one." I talked about it further and I think when I talk about things I better understand how and why I do them. I have the tendency of being a smartass. I'm sarcastic, loud at times, and on occasion I have no regard for others even when I should. AT THE SAME TIME, I am a great friend. When it comes down to it, I just am. And for my friends and loved ones, I don't mind going out of my way. I care. I give without expecting nothing in return except one thing: that's that they care right back. If I'm going out of my way to care for someone, I would at least expect the same. It doesn't mean to kiss my feet when I walk into a room all shimmery and gleaming in the light. But c'mon, show a little something.

 

My motto is "You get what you give" and it holds true: you can't expect to get great things if you're just going to approach life with a shitty attitude and treat others unkindly. Everyone has potential and yeah, one of those things called a destiny but I think now is the time to really put my foot down. This may require patience, considering I usually have a soft spot for shitty people and giving second chances is a choice I give people on my application for "Being in my Life." But when push comes to shove and I find myself back at square one for the third time, then something needs to change. I need to change and say, "Hey, I feel like something is wrong here - I'm being nice to you but I feel like dog doo doo when we talk." Considering I may have to gage someone's personality (we all know people who react/respond differently to how things are said), this makes it a little tough too. But it has to be done (clearly, I'm talking about dating...ugh, why is it so stressful).

 

I'm very grateful for the people in my life. Sometimes I don't realize that when I'm busy drooling over someone I'm dating. I have full love and support of those people around me who only want the best for me, and those are the people who I should care for and go out of my way for. And more times than not, you realize that you find friends in those who you saw differently in the past. It takes time. Maybe a little, maybe a lot. It takes a lot of understanding, maybe a few tiffs here and there, and some apologies. But most importantly it takes effort. All important things require effort. If you're deemed unimportant to someone then they should expect the same, no matter how difficult it is. I recently made my status, "Don't make someone a priority if you're just an option." I got a lot of 'Likes' for it...that kinda made me feel good. But it's true.

 

Dating is hard. It really is. But it's not the end of the world if things don't work out. We're used to routine and that may be the same for a relationship - you're used to it. Sometimes, you have to put up with some bullshit to really get to the good stuff. And I'm sure I'm not the only one that looks at her friend group and thinks, "Everyone is in a relationship except me...great."

 

This year, I try to tell myself that one day, I'm gonna have that. I'm gonna have that relationship that just works and makes me happy. A relationship where I don't have to worry about reading too far into it. A relationship that doesn't make me cry or have doubts. I'll find someone who truly cares and doesn't play games. Everything will fall into place eventually. I just have to be patient.

Friday the 13th

Of course I pick one of the most dreaded days (according to the superstitious) to finally update. I'm trying to stay optimistic, hoping that my positive vibes will ward off any bad luck. But who knows, the universe acts in mysterious ways so there's only so much "Shoo fly shoo!"s I can say before I start to have a mental breakdown if and when something goes terribly wrong.


But I think one thing that I can take notice of without referring to the 13th is how odd the universe is at times. It truly does work and turn and jump and spin at different paces and when one believes that things are giong to be okay, the universe changes and and turns upside down. Maybe it's just me. But recently, life has been kind of confusing, er, hard to grasp. I wouldn't necessarily say I'm at a crossroads, at least not yet but sometimes things just don't seem...kosher?

I think things are going well but then they oftentimes change or seem different. I'm not sure as too how to explain it. I guess it's just how life is and I should attempt to just be more patient. Patient with the universe, with myself, and especially with others.


According to my calendar, a new moon appears on January 23rd. I'm not expecting for my life to get any better by that date but I'm going to take note of changes in my life, if any. Actually, I'm looking at my calendar more closely. The moon changes or rotates on the same day of every week in each month. Is the universe on some sort of cycle, as if it had a period? Is the universe a girl? Ugh, I'll never know. 

Read my friend!

My friend Jessi, who I've been blessed to have met in Oz over a year ago, has started writing her own blog! She's a rock-climbing aficionado who does some traveling as well. She's currently in Japan climbing rocks and exploring the land whilst learning the culture and language. What a lil travel bug! Anywho, feel free to read about her adventures with her here. I'll be sure to live vicariously through her considering I'm not climbing things or traveling at the moment. Maybe next time.

Here we are in beautiful Bunbury, Western Australia for Groovin' the Moo. An epic music festival we went to with some friend whilst down undahhh...I had to do this for the sake of showing all of read me our wonderfully weird and sensational friendship we've created.

Love this weirdo.

Too Much Tech

A great point that my roommate made was to not be "too technical," especially when you're seeing someone new. You don't know them that well nor do they know you that well either. The only thing you can really work off of are first impression characteristics and even those don't do you much good either. Technicalities and overthought I think are due to the fact that our generation is consumed by technology. The tone of one's text message can be interpreted in fifteen and a half different ways. So the simplicity of saying, "Okay cool," can mean...


1) "Sounds good to me."
2) "Yah, I don't really care I'm kind of busy right now."
3) "Hahahaha I'm actually laughing at how pathetic you are!"


Aside from this, we also live in a world of instant gratification. No longer do we use the help of carrier pigeons to get our messages from point A to point B. We send texts, e-mails, instant messages hoping to get a response right away. We don't like to wait and when we do, we assume the worst. We bite our nails in angst, we're hostile to those around us because they aren't the ones we want to hear from. "Fuck you! Go away! I don't care that your grandmother is in the hospital! I'm waiting to hear back from the girl I really like! Wahhh." We're pathetic and childish. And when we can't wait we send vicious second texts saying, "K guess you didn't want to go to the movies," or "Don't worry, I get it!" And who knows, maybe they did want to wait to respond for a bunch of different reasons. Yes, there is that possibility that they didn't really want to go to the movies, they may have didn't even want to hang out in the first place. But there is also the possibility that they were waiting to hear back about other plans so they could pencil in a movie date with you or on the phone with family or even taking a shit. It's the truth!

In the case of the pathetic "no response" it's not your problem. If they don't get back to you, fuck 'em. Go to the movies with someone else. It's always good to have peeps on the side. And those things called friends? Yeah, well they were there wayyyy before you started seeing some dbag who's all about dem mind gamez. So take good ol' pals on some much-needed catching up and hot gossip.

All in all, the waiting game sucks in many different cases. Waiting to hear the test results of an X-ray, waiting to hear back from a potential employer, waiting for your dinner when you're fucking famished, waiting for your period like a teenie bopper, waiting for the results of that pregnancy test you just peed on, and of course waiting for that certain someone who you're just oh so confused about but still really, really like. It sucks but patience is a virtue. When you least expect it you'll get what you're looking for.

Wanna see how my New Years Eve was?

And it was amazing...even without a new years kiss. Maybe next year ;)


Avicii NYE Pier 94 NYC

Hello, 2012.

I was reading my New Years Resolution post from a year ago and I've noticed that I'm probably going to repeat myself this year. Like many around this time, I have resolutions. And yes, I'll admit now, they will not be fulfilled in this new year ahead of me. We all have a list of to-do's that we want to accomplish but is a year enough time to do that? For me, most likely not. Then again, we're constantly changing whether that's digressing into old habits or trying to form new habits to get rid of the old habits, thus creating a whole new set of habits that we will either keep or want to get rid of. They say it takes 28 days to quit a habit and two weeks to form a new one. Not sure if I can really accomplish either of those considering I still kind of need to figure out what habits I want to break. I sure as hell know I need to stop slouching. My parents always told me when I was younger and even through college my friends have been on my back (no pun intended) about it too. So I guess that would be one habit, er, resolution I would like to make this year*
*please note, I did readjust my posture just now whilst typing this. You gotta start somewhere, ya dig?


Looking back on the year of ups and downs that I've had in 2011 (just like every other human being on the planet), I have noticed changes that I've made...for the better and for the worse. On the upside, I've learned to be more open with my friends and family, as well as with people I meet day-to-day, about who I am as a person and "what I'm allll about, gurrrrl." We all have insecurities and demons we're constantly battling. I usually am the one to tell my friends the first step to recovery is acceptance (Note, this doesn't just refer to addictions of any kind but to other problems as well). I've learned to accept who I am. I figured God wouldn't have made me if He didn't care to deal with me. But I'm here (I'm queer, I'm absolutely fabulous) and at this point you take me for who I am or you move on. I'm not a bad person but I do have flaws. It's up to your discretion to tolerate them or not. On the downside, I've noticed certain thought-processes that I need to get rid of if I want to live a happy life. This is probably from dealing with new experiences and not really knowing how to deal with them. I've made rash decisions. Tons of them. I've grown irrational and over thought to the point of ruining things before they started. I've cried volumes of salt water out of my tear ducts and I sometimes question what would happen if I reached a maximum quota for crying within a year. I pushed people away when they simply tried to help me. I thought I hit rock bottom so many times over the littlest things. Let's just say, I was my own little diva to deal with.

I've also come to realize that the whole "Why Me?!" outlook on life isn't going to get me anywhere. Looking back on my dating "track record" I've been burned, I've done the burning, and I've also left things unfinished - leaving both parties confused, upset, and just in a real shitty mood (at least that's how I felt). Things happen for a reason. If things aren't meant to be it's for a good reason. We make decisions because that's how we felt at the time. But we also change like seasons and what we wanted before is not always what we want later on. So although things don't end so sweetly, the good times were still worth it. I think I owe that thinking to my roommate and close friend Gianna who tells me this advice when I bitch to her about my dating history and the ups and downs she's seen me go through (as well as my other close friends I turn to for advice, and to my mom who I call crying when I'm down on my luck and just need some good mommy time). It's all a learning process as well. We learn from experiences and try to deal with future situations in a different manner. And I plan to take my experiences from dating and even other situations where I find myself at my wit's end, and hopefully learn from them. Also, I try to tell myself, "Things could've been a lot worse" because they truly could have.

I'm cynical - I don't believe in things right away, sometimes I need concrete evidence that something legitimately works. Sometimes I dig. I dig too deep and that oftentimes only creates problems that were never there in the first place. I freak myself out, I question things that I've done, and I worry. For no reason. So I'm going to stop digging. Taking things at face value is how I am going to attempt to think. Keyword: attempt. So give me a while if I'm texting you or calling you for advice when I'm left utterly dumbfounded about something.

Lastly, for the sake of rambling on (but I do have many other resolutions/habits to work on), being more optimistic is on my list. I consider myself a realist, not a pessimist despite the opinion of my close biddies. I think of pros and cons, definitely putting the cons into more consideration. This stems from that whole "Why Me?!" psyche that I'm attempting to ween off of.  Looking on the bright side isn't bad. If things don't turn out my way, there's still at least something there that made things okay. And if they weren't, then the next day will be a little brighter. Just like Bruce Springsteen sang, "Have a little faith, there's magic in the night." :)