Go on, begone, bye bye, so long.

"Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present."

This was my friend's Facebook status last week.

It made perfect sense to me, which is ironic because I am such a bitter person when it comes to my past and trying to make amends with the parts that made me upset in the first place. Said parts involve people a majority of the time if not all parts of my past. Instances where I become so bitter involve people that may have pissed me off, which is normal. I'm sure I'm not the only person who feels a brush of hatred towards those I've had bad blood with. Everyone does: exes, bitches in high school and even now in college, family members, professors who we loathe due to their lack of excitement and zest in the classroom or grumpy Scrooge-like attitude towards teaching as well as the ones they teach, and so forth.

But what makes it even more difficult to make peace with my past is when it involves people I've had really good relationships with before things got so shitty. People you've gotten to know so well over a short period of time or maybe a lifetime. People you've met under certain circumstances or else wouldn't have met at all. People you didn't think you'd become friends with or thought differently about before knowing them for who they really were. Those types of people. And when things turn sour with them or better word, change, I get nervous and upset and confused and annoyed and as stated before, bitter.

I've had many a relationship as this kind with many different people. It's not so much a big deal as many others would see it. I'm just different and take my friendships seriously with certain people who I feel I've grown close to. My reason for being bitter is probably due to the fact that my guard usually stays up unless I feel I can be comfortable around someone enough to let them into my confusing, awkward, bizarre, weird, funny, out-there, unique, unconventional life.

SIDENOTE
I'm in the library and some girl is talking really loud on her phone...in Chinese. I'm not an expert on foreign languages and maybe I'm being stereotypical but I know its not Tagalog because I'm half Filipino. But no offense, it sounds Asian, so I'm gonna guess she's talking in Chinese. 

But the moment I feel as if these relationships change, I freak out. I kinda test the waters to see if things are the same but if I feel that it's different, I push away. I distance myself off from that person or group of people even though at the same time all I want to do is hang out with that person or group of people. It's somewhat of a defense mechanism. Again, I'm weird and I'm in this limbo of either having a heart that melts or no soul at all.

Sometimes I don't want things to change and when change happens I'm not used to it. However, I am adaptable to change. And I can adapt rather quickly and slightly swiftly. It takes me some time to get my feet wet in new waters but I adapt. Whether I like it or not.

I've written a post a long time ago about change. It was called: It's been a lot to change but you will always get what you want. It involved an article I read in an old issue of Cosmopolitan. I have changed over the course of my life. In good ways and maybe even some bad ones. But overall, I'd like to think that I've changed based on experiences I've been in with people, even past ones I was bitter about. I've learned from old experiences as to not digress into similar habits. But there are those rare occasions where I find myself doing the same old shit. And it scares me so much sometimes.

I'm an independent thinker most of the time. I hold myself to my own personal standards (which aren't that high) and try to make my own decisions without being side tracked by the views of others. I'm usually good with that when it comes to personal opinions on topics such as politics, gay rights, abortion, illegal aliens, the Middle East and so forth. But sometimes I'm passively, subconsciously influenced by others, especially ones I'm intrigued by. I'm a TRYer of sorts. I need to try certain things at least once for the experience of doing it, saying I've done it, or because I curiously want to try something (which is usually the case). Some things I wish not to try/do again but I still find myself doing them. Bad habits? Meh, maybe. Am I reliving these habits again because of the people I'm meeting or surrounding myself with certain people? Meh, maybe.

I've said in my earlier post "Change is normal and it happens to us all." I didn't mention how I'm afraid of it sometimes. But sometimes it just happens. Despite my fear of it, I have to let it happen so my future isn't clouded by my past. And after reading my friend's status as well as listening to "Fading" by Rihanna, I've come to the realization that change is inevitable and even if it does happen to things we don't want to see change, sometimes we can't control it. As the popstar states, "you're fading away." But I'm doing the same.

I told someone who I've had a really good relationship with in the past that things have changed between us. I was bitter about it and she knew that. I told her that. She knew how bitter I was. We ran in circles numerous times about the same ol' shit because of my fear of this change in our friendship. During this semester, it has been becoming more obvious to me that this change is uncontrollable. It just happens as I said before.

Things can certainly be worked out and friendships shouldn't just fade because things aren't the way they used to be. I'm sure said friend and I will eventually patch things up, which sorta happened earlier when I was leaving for work, which I wasn't expecting to happen. At the same time there are always bumps in the road or distractions that side track us, so change isn't going to always be an easy journey. I'm not expecting things to be peachy keen right away either. That's another thing: expect the unexpected. Even though change can be a scary thing sometimes, we're able to realize something new when it happens. New things about ourselves, about others, about life in general. Things we didn't expect to happen.

On my way to the library to write this, I noticed how beautiful the weather was outside. It wasn't as cold as one would expect mid-November to feel like. It was brisk and fresh. The technicolor leaves everywhere was amazing and inspired me to run outside later tonight. As seasons change, so do people, as I said in that old post. So as this season changes from fall to winter, maybe my outlook on change in general will slowly turn to accept change a lot easier than I am now. And to not expect certain outcomes or events to occur is something I wanna also work on during the season of...change :)