Unfit.

"Friends still sit with us. Children still hug our knees. Songs still speak the words we’re pressed to find. Until we learn to embrace our bare, exposed branches and recognize our worth apart from titles and talents, the buds of spring cannot surface, heralding new life. When we learn to love ourselves, winter never wins."  - Todd Clayton

Initially I thought we would work. "This could work," I said. I thought I was ready and I thought you were too. You seemed to be. You were actually, thinking of it now. I mean, we all have shit but I guess you thought you could bite off more than you could chew. Not necessarily the case. 

It was exciting in the beginning. I met your friends and vice versa. We drank...a lot. And maybe that was a reason for this feeling of being comfortably uncomfortable unless we were drinking together. And when we weren't it was...I don't know. Good but not great? I couldn't really talk to you about my personal life. We couldn't have silly conversations about absolutely nothing without you having to do something more important. Sorry... 

Over the course of a few weeks, not many to begin with, it just was going down hill. I was finally putting my guard down and you were taking advantage of my being nice. I wasn't used to it and I let it happen because I didn't want something to slip through my fingers so quickly. I didn't want to be alone is what it came down to. I didn't sell myself short but I gambled with the idea of doing that.

I rode an emotional roller coaster with you and more times than not you were the one throwing up on me (not literally but you get the point). I put the ball in your court like we were playing four-square and I always let you win. It wasn't until that night in February that I played the game for myself and not you. 

And that's why I'm happy winter never wins. 

I eventually stopped checking my phone and stopped waiting for you anxiously to wake up hung over ready to talk to me. You didn't feel like talking to me. I wasn't expecting you to let me know you were safe because you would become intoxicated to the point where you didn't know how to use a phone. I stopped after that night you got out of control at a concert and said, "You're supposed to take care of me!" when you wanted to get into a fight with strangers for no particular reason and went on a man-hunt for drugs. 

You told me you hated talking on the phone and when we did you would cut me off and say you had to shower or get ready or go walk the dog. You made plans with your friends and I sat and watched. When you needed space you needed to spend it with your friends because doing that made you miss me. You expected me to be sitting there until you came back and sadly I was because I didn't want to be alone. I was a sucker and I let you sucker punch me. But when it was my turn to let go for good, it was "incredibly rude." You said I was "incredibly rude." Sorry...

I'm alone now. But I'm happier without you. But I believe that I'm better. I was dragging a huge weight on my shoulders and bringing it into other aspects of my life where it was uninvited. My close ones didn't want it around. I wasn't allowed to bring it and I'm glad I didn't after a while. I set it down and walked away and I'm all the better for it. If things were getting to be out of hand so early on then I don't know if it was really worth it. But I learned from it. You taught me something; something to avoid. As mean as that sounds. Sorry...

I'm happy winter never wins. 

I love spring. It rains and pours until you're depressed enough to call yourself Kurt Cobain and then before you know it new flowers blossom and new life grows right in front of you. And you don't even know it. But eventually you know it and you embrace it. 

I stopped everything and I'm all the better for it. I don't dance to the beat of your drum. I eventually learned to ignore it. I danced to my own drum and this bothered you. You tried to get me back and I wasn't looking back. Just looking forward like I am now. I'm still dancing. All your chances ran out as if your credit card exceeded its limit and now you don't have enough money to buy that new dress for spring. Someone else has enough credit for that new dress though. And the weather is clearing up now. Besides, I'm sure that dress is going to be the perfect fit for someone else. You're unfit for it; for me. Sorry...I'm not sorry.