Unpretty, unclean, and utterly horrifying

I recently finished a book (yeah, I read here and there). Granted I bought it over Thanksgiving break and read through all of it, leaving a chapter for me to finish a few nights ago. I hate that habit I have with literature; I just can't seem to finish things accordingly...so I guess I hate that habit I have with a lot of things.

The book I speak of is called "Dirty Girls" by Gillian Telling, a sex columnist for Maxim mag.

The book had more to do than just sex. It was "a no-holds-barred look at the hilarious underbelly of what it means to be female." And in some cases, it was TRUE. Apart from being funny, it got down to the nitty gritty as to why we females do certain things when guys aren't around and involved first-hand accounts from the author as well as female friends of hers.

Some of the themes discussed in the book were (as seen on the back cover):

• Even though we pluck, we wax, and we put on war paint to mask our blemishes, we also regularly watch porn.
• We wear our bikini bottoms when we run out of clean underwear*
• When we're alone, we eat Cheetos and peanut butter on a spoon for dinner**

*I prefer to wear none to be honest. 

**I'll make homemade guac in five minutes and eat that by itself along with a glass of wine. 

The author also provided a note stating that if the women who read this book would like to keep their men thinking they are beautiful, undigusting creatures, then to keep this book away from them. OR have their men read it to clue them in on a few things about us ladiezzz. 

Telling tells it how it is and isn't afraid to be blunt. I don't know if any other dirty girls read this book but if they did, they'd probably blush in embarrassment (trust me, I did). 

Some highlights I can't help but share (this will hopefully be one of those posts you don't mind reading all the way through):

- pg. 3: Here's a riddle for you: if a woman comes home at two in the morning, eats an entire box of mac and cheese, drops the dirty pans in the sink, strips to nothing but her socks, and goes to bed without brushing her teeth, and no one is around to see it, did it really happen? (Hint: nope.)

- pg. 15: Remember that book we all read when we were kids called Everyone Poops? It featured a little boy who was learning how to use a toilet and talked about how rabbits pooped, cats pooped, and even giraffes pooped! Yeah - giraffes. But what was the one thing it didn't mention? Girls who pooped. I mean come on! Even beautiful flawless women like Gisele Bundchen will have to take a mean dump after some scoops of Monday Night Football chili at the Brady household.*

*you should hear the kind of conversations Tor and I have on this subject matter (sorry, Tor haha), which was also covered in this chapter: the fact that women talk to each other about the "grossest" things. Oh, and I like to pee outside...for some reason it's just I don't know..nice? This chapter is a must-read.

- pg. 28: We hate that salads and everything good for you never fills us up the way pizza does [...] We are supposed to keep fresh fruits and veggies and string cheese and yogurt on hand at all time for snacks. Maybe a handful of raw almonds when we're feeling peckish! [...] Almonds? Sure, but we get those slated wasabi tins of them and down them in a single sitting*

*slightly true. My favorite flavored almonds are the wasabi-soy sauce ones (and no, it's not because I'm part Asian). But I also keep healthy snacks on hand like yogurt and string cheese. But I'm also guilty of keeping hefty bottles of alcohol chilled as well.

- pg. 44: Not much can compare to the love I have for men, but nothing can match the closeness that women have with their female compatriots. We tell each other everything. 

Chapter 3 (The Truth About Dirty Girls and Their Friends), included a few conversations that served as prime examples of the things we talk to our girlfriends about...

Conversation 1

"Hey Gillian, do you want to go to 2A for Jenny's birthday drinks?"

          "Sure. Did I ever tell you I once had sex in those bathrooms?"

"So funny, I did too!"

Conversation 3

"So not to be TMI, but last night Sam went down on me and it was the best I've ever had in my life."

          "Boy Sam or girl Sam?"

"Girl Sam. I spent the night."

          "Oh, sweet. Are you guys a couple now?"

"I don't know. She says she's not ready for a relationship. But I really want to fuck her all the time."

          "So what happened with boy Sam?"

"Oh, he still sends me dirty texts all day long. I don't think I can sleep with him - he dated porn stars when he lived in LA. I think he has a dirty dick."

          "Yeah, the last thing you need is crabs."

"Totes."

The book also included talk about platonic friends, friends with benefits, the lies we tell (this doesn't make us untrustworthy), one night stands, porn-watching habits, how to impress us (and what not to do), sexual positions, erectile dysfunction, dirty talk*, when we fall in love and when we fall out of it, marriage & children, & DJ Diddle - you'll just have to read the book I guess to find out who that is ;)

* "I wanna pepper your belly with kisses" is NOT okay to say in the sack. 

Each chapter ends with a section entitled, "Have your male friend read this" allowing for them to know a little more about us; what to do, what not to do, etc. 

Funny, vulgar, and honest. The book was a great read and I'm sure I'll have a few of my fellow dirty girls lining up to borrow it. Oh, and I'm sure there's some pathetic excuse for men to read on how to bring girls home. I'm not saying all men are like that but it's kinda hard to think otherwise when some male friends like to talk about how they wanna bone a chick who walks by right in front of me, or when some creepy kid says to me, "I'm into whatever you're into!" (this did happen two years ago at a bar. some drunk child came up to me and said that to me. I laughed then walked away. We're friends on Facebook still).