Getting it right?

Play this please & put the ipod to the right on pause...

I continued to try to get my life "right" in Heather McElhatton's novel Pretty Little Mistakes a few times more before going to bed last night. Aside from deciding to turn down a marriage to a meth distributor and dying in Africa, I got a small clinic in Georgia off of its feet with the help of some rich old women and I became a famous celebrity who married another woman and lived happily ever after (before an untimely, Thelma & Louise-style descent off of a cliff in a classic car...together of course) in another life. I kept saving pages just in case I died after only making a few decisions. I often measured how long my life would last by how many decisions I was able to make before I ended up dying. This added to the excitement each decision had...most of the time it was me preparing myself for some awful way of dying as if I was in one of those Final Destination movies. I guess dying in Africa beats being impaled in the eye by a fire escape any day of the week.

I read the book and chose between two different paths, flipping through the pages not knowing what was to come after deciding which route to take. I went to California one time then proceeded to try my luck in Europe after that. I decided to turn down a marriage proposal in one life and decided to stick to a dead-end job in another life. Either way I went, I thought about these decisions as if they were real. What if I had to decide between going to college or traveling after graduating high school, which choice would I make. Or between going on a date with someone who saved me from a sticky situation or turning him down?

I know I probably won't have to get stuck with those exact choices but I'm sure I'll have to make very important decisions with my life in due time, especially since winter break seems to be flying past me and my final semester of college is gonna hit me like an 18-wheeler (that's probably going 80 miles per hour).

Despite this stress I'm bound to experience I know I'm going to be okay. My mom has always told me that whatever situation she finds herself in, she knows what to do. She may not know at the moment but she knows she is going to be okay with whatever decision she does make. She doesn't always get it right or make the right choice but no matter what choice she makes, she knows what moves to make after that. Her resilience inspires me to NOT freak out like a 3-year old child even though I know I will find myself in stressful situations where all I wanna do is cry and have her hold me and assure that I'm going to be just fine. But it's my turn to maintain clear composure and do things on my own. When I called her freaking out last Friday about coming home and being anxious she said to me, "You said you needed to grow up. Why are you crying? I know you're sad but you're going to be okay. You need to relax."

She was right. Not only because I was getting ready to drive home in this state of anxious rush but also because I was going to be okay. I just needed time to collect myself before making some moves. And that's what I'll have to do when I make decisions on my own in the future. I need to take a deep breath, look at the situation, and decide...on my own and for myself. Of course, there will be those times where I'll need my girlfriends' opinions about guys, dresses, and the like. A close friend has told me before, "You went with your gut, and that itself is a good decision." So, going with gut, and maybe my head and heart if need be, I'm going to decide. And be okay with those decisions.