Mommom.

The feeling of loss is not too familiar to me. Although I've supported friends when they've lost loved ones, I couldn't exactly relate because I've never lost someone so close to me. Until now. Yesterday morning my grandmother, Mommom as well all call her, passed away. She had been in the hospital for close to two weeks. Her husband, my step-grandfather, sent me an e-mail telling me she was in the hospital with fluid in her lungs. I assumed it had to do with the cold weather and maybe she caught pneumonia. I was concerned but figured, Its Mommom, she'll bounce back. But when a few days in the hospital turned into a few weeks in the hospital, my concerns grew into worry. Her husband had been keeping us up-to-date almost every day with her status. I even got to speak with her for a few minutes on the phone last weekend. I just didn't realize that that would be the last time.

Yesterday morning was all a blur. I woke up to get ready for my internship and four minutes later, I received an e-mail about her being taken off of life support, which I hadn't even known she was on. Apparently, there were cancer cells found in her liver but it was unknown to where it was coming from. According to doctors, it "had spread throughout."

What baffles me the most is that she was completely fine 3 weeks ago.

This feeling of emptiness like a hollow tree was new to me. As if I didn't know how to feel. I called my parents after I received that e-mail. They were driving on their way down to see her, which is an hour and a half away from where we live. I moped around my apartment, not knowing what to do with myself. I tried to nap, but couldn't. I ended buying $38 worth of nail polish on Amazon and decided to go to the gym to clear my head. I figured I'd be at home in Delaware for quite some time so should get a work out in just in case I don't when I'm at home. I nearly started crying on the treadmill...twice. I spent 2 hours at the gym yesterday, with 15 minutes spent walking around the gym as if I had no clue where I was going. I moped. In the gym and back to my car. That's when I broke down.

I've cried. A lot. And I will probably cry some more. I cried on the way home today.

Although this post will be somewhat emotional compared to the crass or random things I usually talk about, it's like fresh air. I consider this a part of me that I probably wouldn't share other than with some close friends. I know it'll be hard as it comes closer to her funeral. But what friends have told me is to remember all of the good times I've had with her. She is still around me and will always be with me. And I'm glad to know that she left peacefully and pain free. I felt destroyed when I found out I wouldn't be able to say bye but my dad said, "She knows." I have no doubt in my mind that she's in a better place and yes, it will be different knowing she won't call me once in a while to see how I'm doing, or come to Thanksgiving dinner with green bean casserole knowing I'd be the only one to eat it but she'd still make it anyways. I know I will struggle with the loss of my grandmother but I know I have all the support in the world through family and friends who will help me remember her as the lively, smiling woman I've known all my life.

Anne Marie Adams
November 13, 1934 - March 3, 2011