Choices.

I had a recent conversation with someone, er, not so much a conversation but I guess a form of "closure" with them. The gist of said closure basically summed things up with this person. In laymen's terms, I asked someone why a situation happened and this person I shall call Humphrey Bogart explained their side*
*their as in I am not going to say the sex of said person. I want to keep HB confidential. But I will admit that HB does not attend the same academic institution as I do. 

I don't see this person often. In fact, we haven't met personally but know each other. We've talked before but inconsistently. I tend to want to talk more than HB does in responses back and forth. I tend to be the initiator of conversations with HB, which kinda upsets me because what we talk about isn't consistent with HB's lack of conversation initiation skills (God, I'm sounding way too technical). There were 2 instances where HB did initiate conversation: 1) when we were introduced to one another months ago & 2) the last time I would ever hear from them.

I let a few days go by. Sent a text HB's way. No response. So I sent an e-mail the next day. Yeah, I'm pretty consistent, which is great because in Advertising, it's all about follow-up calls :)

My e-mail basically asked, "What happened?" What happened with the whole situation and why so sudden. Out of the blue. That's what baffled me and that's what I hate: things that happen so suddenly.


HB responded less than ten minutes later with the following, brief response:
"I'm just irritated and feel like u want other people and u party and drink and I don't. It's not my style happy bday*"
*I mentioned how my birthday was coming up and rather worrying about this because I was, still kind of am, that I'd rather worry about what I was going to wear that day...gotta look pretty when you turn 22 you know.


After reading it, I felt crushed, disheartened, surprised. I was kind of in awe because this wasn't consistent with HB's excuses for being so on and off before. And what upset me the most was that HB was judging me on a weekend I spent with some study abroad friends who I haven't seen in God knows how long. HB was judging me as some out of control party animal that flirts and doesn't give a shit when in reality 1) I don't party often (usually a homebody or completely and utterly exhausted from a long day of interning/classes/work/practice) and 2) yes I'm a flirt but it's all out of fun. I'm a social butterfly going from end to end making sure I flutter my wings to all those I know and would like to say hello to. What HB didn't realize was that I cared for HB. And I guess at this point it doesn't really matter. That e-mail was my last e-mail. I sent HB a response trying to hold on to some form of communication with this person but I think it was lights out. All was said and done and now I'm stuck with a huge R on my face that stands for 'Rejection.' WOOF.

What's funny is that if someone is interested in me (which is a very, VERY rare occasion) I tend to not give a damn. I kinda shrug it off, flirt a little but not too severely and try to keep things strictly platonic as to not give any wrong ideas. However, when it comes to my interests I get mind fucked. It's an ongoing occurrence in my life that is starting to make me think this is something that I should just get fucking used to. I told my counselor I feel like a train that's on the right track but just can't get over a very steep hill and I just regress into similar patterns of feeling hurt, mind fucked, and well, rejected. Along with the feeling of a lot of time and effort wasted, I don't know what I'd be doing with that time besides blogging or maybe taking up a different hobby like knitting. Hmmm...

All in all, this is not a nice feeling. It's this constant feeling of knowing that this is probably, and most likely, the last time you will ever hear from someone...and you didn't expect things to end that way. I often think to myself, "What did I do wrong?" as if it were my fault (and usually I think it is). But as my counselor put it, HB may suffer from insecurities of their own. They make assumptions about your "lifestyle" based on jealousy or insecurity about their relationship with you and often use defense mechanisms to cope. I don't necessarily know if I made sense but I think that's what my counselor was getting at. It was HB's choice to no long pursue anything. It was my choice to consistently follow-up, trying to hold onto something that probably didn't happen for a reason. Our choices are impactful not just on our lives but on those also involved. So although I'm feeling shitty, maybe HB is feeling shitty too...because they assumed things were gonna be sour but we're never gonna know.

I have a feeling I'm gonna be single for a while. Already made it for 21 years and soon to be 22. I know I'll get over my hill eventually but sometimes you just can't help but feel a little sad. The loss of a potential new thing blooming in one's life actually turning out to smell like doggy doo doo sucks.

The cheesy irony that I just realized about naming this mystery mean pie HB is that HB could also be an acronym for heartbreaker. But I'm not at thaaat much of a loss, people.