Same Love

And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to

My love, my love, my love

She keeps me warm...


Same Love - Macklemore & Ryan Lewis (feat. Mary Lambert)

Love is patient
Love is kind...

Not crying on Sundays.

I Am Not Alone

I am not alone because Charlotte Green doesn't get over things quickly either. Even if her relationship ended after a few short weeks, she still feels the same sadness that anyone would feel when something ends and she didn't want it to. And she's okay with the fact that she lets herself feel that sadness even if the person who let her go is moving on with his life without any qualms in the world. To Green, "sometimes things end and it’s horrible and there is nothing that can be said which makes it suddenly less painful. Even if you’re young." Like many other young people, we have so many things to look forward to. We know that. But I don't need you to remind me of those things. I know you believe in fate and that everything happens for a reason but I highly doubt you'll bump into me like Channing Tatum ran into Rachel McAdams at the end of The Vow. I'll be surprised if we do...

"I’m sorry if you think that I should be doing other things, enjoying my youth, counting my blessings, and seeing other people. I don’t need to hear your motivational poster quotes about all of the wonderful things I still have to look forward to in life, or that we ended for a reason. I don’t need to hear about fate. I don’t need to hear anything." -- Charlotte Green

I know that right now I'm not where I want to be. I'm not my full self just yet. But I'm getting there. I am slowly getting there. I'm going to laugh more, and smile more, and be thankful more even if I don't mean nothing to you these days. This may not even be hard for you. This is something you can easily walk away from and wash your hands clean of. As Green put it, "As much as it pains me to admit, you likely don’t think about me." But in no way do I blame you. Like you and everyone else says, everything happens for a reason.

I am not alone because Chelsea Fagan knows what's it like to be the person who loves more. We both know what happens when you're the one who loves more - we begin to love ourselves less. We only see ourselves worthy of the amount of love the other person has for us. And we take that for what it is because to Chelsea (and I), "Even if being loved by them comes with a thousand asterisks, or is accompanied by put-downs or bouts of complete apathy, it is better than not being loved at all." Receiving admiration from the one who loves you less becomes the only thing that matters to you; the only key to your happiness when it shouldn't be...

"Suddenly, approval and affection from your partner become the only kind of currency that matter to you — the only thing capable of convincing you that you are good and worth loving. Because so much of you has been invested in convincing them that you deserve them, if they don’t recognize it, it can feel that no one ever will." -- Chelsea Fagan

I know eventually I'll mean a lot to somebody. Because I am who I am and I know you always said I shouldn't be anyone but myself. There were things that you loved about me just as there were things I did that irritated you. And I'm sorry for that. As Fagan said, "I am the kind of girl who will fight sometimes for no reason, who will create arguments out of thin air because she is frustrated and sometimes takes it out on the people who deserve it least but will stand for it most. I will know that what I am doing is wrong in the moment — that a label of “psycho” being flung at me will be as stinging as it is accurate — but be unable to stop myself [...] I love things at top volume, at their most difficult, at their most needlessly complex." And I did just that.

I'm not alone because Madison Moore knows what it's like to be with someone one minute and the next minute things are completely different. What happened? Moore asks, "Why do you act like a boyfriend but then disappear completely, emotionally and physically, moments after you just told me how much you miss me?" I know that people are constantly dealing with themselves and other priorities "but no matter how busy we get, there’s always time if we make it." There's a bond you create with someone you really like. You consistently work to make that bond last; make it stronger than the day before...

"Yes, I’ve probably made a fool of myself trying to tell you how I feel, but whatever. When you really like someone you take those risks. When you like someone you’re there for them, you tell them how you feel, you make time for them no matter what else you’re doing. If you’re not, then that person is not so important to you after all." -- Madison Moore

Even after I tell you all these things, nothing changes. I've waited on the other end to hear if you have anything to say but nothing comes out. I realize now that you were right, I never let you just say those things to me when you wanted to. I needed this extra reassurance from you so as to not make myself look like a complete idiot. But in the long run, I spilled the beans one too many times, leaving my heart heavier than it should be and not all that confident in how I wanted things to be between us.

I am not alone because Nico Lang simply says just that. No one ever is. He grew up reading books and befriending characters in novels. I grew up an only child with an imagination the size of the state of Texas. As I got older and other girls started dating and experiencing the pangs of teenage love, I was dreaming of what that would feel like all at the same time questioning why it's so hard for me and not the other girls. Lang referred to the film Sixteen Candles (one of my favorites) when Sam talks to her dad about her struggles to find love. Her dad mentions how things like that always came easy to Sam's older sister, which is why she never took the time to appreciate them. "When you have to fight for the things that you want, you’re less likely to take them for granted"...

"Eventually, lonely kids grow up into lonely adults, which sounds terrible (especially if you’re Sylvia Plath), but loneliness has a way of shaping your heart and making you who you are. You’re the person who cares so much about people that they’re willing to drive their friends a little crazy and the person who obsessively worries about their family and checks in on them, even when you know they’re probably fine. You just want to be sure. You’re the person who moons over their first kiss and writes about it endlessly in their journal, who learns to pine, yearn and strive for more — because you know what it is to lack." -- Nico Lang

I still forget to breathe sometimes and sweating the small stuff almost feels like second nature to me. You and my mom have always told me to just relax. Don't worry (I know you're not), I have been learning to chill the fuh out. But I still do that thing under my desk at the office where I shake my leg while I work. I still find myself wondering how you're doing and if you're thinking about me at all but then I just sigh and ask God to take care of everything. You included. And I get back to what I'm doing (like writing in my blog lol).

I am not alone because David Cain was dissatisfied with his life and loving himself was a desperate struggle. "I didn’t feel like I could get anywhere until I loved myself, and I didn’t feel like I could love myself until I got somewhere." Self-love is probably one of the most difficult types of love to really excel at. It's a day-by-day sort of love just like other important relationships involving this very emotional feeling...

"Self-love is not how you feel about yourself. It’s what you do for yourself. You can only love yourself by doing, not thinking. Execute feats of love, feats of respect, for your own benefit [...] Love is picking up the dumbells the moment you start making excuses. Love is doing your scariest task first thing in the morning [...] There is a choice in every moment, between acting out of love, or out of fear. At any instant, you can stop and look at the moment, and it is clear which action is which. You will make a habit out of choosing one or the other. You won’t be able to have respect if you do not make a habit of recognizing value. There is value in every person, object, place and moment, but you may miss it if you hold faults to be more important." -- David Cain

I told you in a letter a long time ago that I'm struggling to take care of myself and how I consider myself a temple of sorts. I struggle because of trust, because I've been burned before one too many times. But haven't we all? As much as I want my old self to return and remind you of that hurt and how you made me feel, I can't do that. It won't serve any purpose to you or me if I remind you of things you already know. Maybe you already forgot about them. I have no control over what you do with your life or how you feel. And I won't let you do the same to me because you don't care about me. At least not right now, maybe not ever. You may not have the time to. We're all trying to survive and there's no reason for me to rely on you to save me. I'm taking each day as an added step forward to respect myself, to value myself and to love myself before I can find the courage to do that for someone else. And I hope you do too.   

And since it's on the news constantly these days, a concept that is not at all new and has been going on for years, Manti Te'o is not alone because it happened to Nev Schulman.

Closer

All I want to get is a little bit closer. All I want to know is, can you come a little closer?


Closer - Tegan & Sara

Sweet Nothing

This song has been out for a while but I still love it. Florence and Calvin together make wonderful eargasms.The lyrics are amaze balls and below...


Sweet Nothing (featuring Florence Welch) - Calvin Harris

You took my heart and you held it in your mouth
And, with the word all my love came rushing out
And, every whisper, it's the worst,
Emptied out by a single word
There is a hollow in me now

So I put my faith in something unknown
I'm living on such sweet nothing
But I'm tired of hope with nothing to hold
I'm living on such sweet nothing
And it's hard to learn
And it's hard to love
When you're giving me such sweet nothing
Sweet nothing, sweet nothing
You're giving me such sweet nothing

It isn't easy for me to let it go
Cause I swallow every single word
And every whisper, every sigh
Eats away this heart of mine
And there is a hollow in me now

So I put my faith in something unknown
I'm living on such sweet nothing
But I'm tired of hope with nothing to hold
I'm living on such sweet nothing
And it's hard to learn
And it's hard to love
When you're giving me such sweet nothing
Sweet nothing, sweet nothing
You're giving me such sweet nothing

And it's not enough
To tell me that you care
When, we both know the words are empty air
You give me nothing

Sweet nothing...

I broke up with my therapist

This past Tuesday was when I broke up with my therapist. This is actually the only time I've ever broken up with anyone. Except that one time in sixth grade when I dated a kid named Joey. But that doesn't count because I got my friend Alex to break up with him for me. No, this was not a romantic relationship I had with my therapist (EWWW). But I made the decision to no longer continue seeing her after realizing that it wasn't a right fit for me. The things I was looking for in a therapist were not being fulfilled and although I was making strides, I was not moving as fast as I thought I should be nor did I feel like my therapist really wanted to help me.

I've been going to therapy since I was a freshmen in college. I decided to seek mental therapy to help me cope with feelings I struggled to deal with and to better deal with the stresses of every day life. Some people may think going to therapy is somewhat embarrassing but I am actually a huge advocate for mental health assistance. But psychology not psychiatry. Other people may not need therapy and are able to cope and deal with their feelings on their own. I am not one of them. By going to therapy, to me, I am understanding who I am and why I do certain things, why I struggle with other things, and how I can better deal with issues when stress hits me. It's like fucking yoga for my brain I guess.

After seeing many different therapists over the years, I am able to figure out what I want from a therapist so I don't find myself in an awkward place when I'm in a therapy session. The first therapist I ever had was obviously an awkward situation for me because I never had been to therapy. She was an extern doing work on my college campus. I remember she would have these long pauses and I would feel extremely uncomfortable when this would happen. I would fidget with my hands and look at any possible thing in the room other than her face when this would happen. I remember I told the next therapist I had the following year that awkward silences like those were something that kind of made me feel...awkward. This one was tiny. She was like so little and frail and I remember reading something about her on the college website's Counseling Center page that she was an extern from Yeshiva University in the city. Mazel! She definitely helped me make strides with feelings I was struggling to deal with.

Junior year I had my favorite therapist. She was very soft-spoken and was one of the head honchos of the Counseling Center on campus. For being soft-spoken she was also a big mental cheerleader that helped me through the every day stresses of being a college student. I continued seeing her when I came back from studying abroad in Australia*. Throughout my senior year of college I developed a bond with her since she was the only therapist to date who I saw on a regular basis for almost two years. Unfortunately, graduating left me to find counseling off school premises so she could no longer advise me on life's daily struggles. I'll never forget her. 
*In Australia, I had a male therapist. He was a character. He sorta helped me when I was down under. He even did these mental exercises using a white board and markers and had me draw circles and arrows among people in my social circle. It was weird but kinda cool! I remember seeing him once a week up until the last month and a half of being abroad. I don't quite remember what he said but whatever it was it made me feel patronized. I was offended (and I'm pissed because I can't remember what he fucking said that made me so mad). But after that day I said I would schedule my next appointment at the front office and never came back.

I took a hiatus from therapy until the end of August 2012. My mind was going in circles and the more circles my mind went in, I started forgetting who I was and my brain was getting nauseous. This was a very trying time for me and I literally had no idea how to start going to therapy again. Although there have been about 2 or 3 sessions where I began to feel like I was understanding myself more, I wasn't getting the support I wanted. I kind of felt like I was being judged by her in a way. And when I felt like that, I wasn't truly opening up to her and to me, that is a sign that this relationship wasn't a right fit. Why am I even going to therapy if I'm afraid my therapist would judge me? The things we talked about were things I talked to my girlfriends about. But my reason for going to a therapist were to get an objective view on the situation. Even though my therapist wanted to defend me and "help" me with my problems, I felt like she wanted me to move on. "Get on with your life!" she would say sometimes. Although she was absolutely right, there are some situations where things like that take time. She wasn't walking with me on this journey. She was trying to drag me through it. Looking at her watch and at the clock on the wall didn't make me feel like she wanted to help. Holding in yawns and rolling her eyes didn't help either (although, I wanna say she had a lazy eye. No, still, she shouldn't have rolled her eyes).

I know I have to move on with my life. I just have to. But her approach to helping me was not really a vocal one. She listened to me vent but had very little to say about it. So what now? What do I do now that I told you all of this stuff that happened since the last time I saw you? I'm paying almost $200 a month for you to help me and I'm leaving your office feeling like my money is not going toward a better me.

Although I left her office knowing I was able to let out a lot of stress and pent up emotion, that was basically all I felt - less filled up but not whole a lot lighter. I still carried my stresses with me after our sessions. And had no idea what to do with them. So two days ago as I wrote her a check for my last session with her, I told her that I would give her a call when I want to meet again. But for right now, I wanted to "mellow out and figure things out on my own." She took it just fine.

In retrospect, this has shown me what I do want in my next therapist when I look for someone to help me. I know what to vocalize and seek and hopefully knowing what I want now will help me find that in the future. Maybe trying to be my own therapist for a few weeks will help me understand me more. One thing I've been telling a lot of people is that 2013 is my year. I told her that on my way out and her last words to me were, "Make it happen." And I think I will.

Childlike Wonder

Source: Buzzfeed - 24 Signs You Went To Catholic School

Leaving.

Last week one night I was on the phone with my mom until 2am. She's retired so she didn't have to worry about getting up for work. Lucky for me, casual Fridays allow me to not try so hard so I didn't mind going to bed that late. And it's my mom - when do I ever talk to her that late? Exactly.

She was telling me stories about her and her brother Eddie, my uncle who passed away almost two weeks ago in California. The coroner said he died of a heart attack. It was pretty sudden, considering he rode his bike the morning he died, and even went for a walk that afternoon.

The last time I saw him was seven years ago when I went to see my family in the Philippines. Uncle Eddie lived in Stockton with my mom's other siblings but he was in the Philippines building his house and wanted us to come check it out. I remember him looking really proud of what he was building. He usually smiled most of the time; he didn't talk much and was very timid. My mom said he just grew up like that - always quiet.

She told me other stories that I didn't know about. About how she put one of my grandmother's helpers (she wasn't necessarily a housekeeper) through high school. About how she helped take care of my older cousin Michael when he was 6. About how she helped her dad get his Visa so he could visit my grandmother in America, and how he died the night before he was supposed to fly to California to see her. So many things I didn't know about before.

I was very touched by that story. My grandmother was homesick while she was in California. My grandmother (or Nanay as everyone calls her) sponsored all of her single children so they could become American citizens. She was out in California with two of my aunts doing that when her husband passed away. I remember my mom and her other siblings telling my grandfather (Tatay) how Nanay missed him a lot. Tatay was a very business saavy kinda guy. He owned a lot of property and oversaw workers tending to it every day. So he really didn't want to travel when he had a lot to do. Mango trees populated the land and sometimes he would have my mom or other people sell the mangoes at the local markets. I really wish I saw how my mom sold mangoes. That would've been funny.

Nanay had been in America for almost a year so not seeing her hubby was very upsetting. Tatay didn't feel comfortable going to America while he had a lot of work to do. But after several people persuaded him to go, he finally said yes. My mom went to this office and that office with him to get his paper work sorted out so he could fly to America. She coordinated his flight, went to the Immigration office to get the okay, and probably bought him a soda on a hot day while they traveled all over the place getting his trip scheduled.

She told me how the night before his flight he came back to their house to say goodbye to my mom's younger siblings who were still in high school. The other kids were in college in the city. My mom had graduated a long time ago and took some time off to take care of the house while her dad worked and her mom was in America. "He told everyone to be good and that he would be back soon," my mom told me.

The next morning, Tatay passed away peacefully in his sleep. As if for some odd reason he knew something was going to happen and that's why he didn't want to travel. As if knew already. That's why that story really stuck with me for the past few days. Nanay was obviously distraught after hearing of her husband's passing, especially hearing about it on another continent. Being filled with excitement of finally seeing her husband after so many long months, and to be greeted by his death from a phone call she received shortly after. I remember tearing up when my mom told me that story.

"He must've really didn't want to go then," I said to my mom, "As if he knew something was going to happen."

Life is full of surprises, both good and bad. Things happen for a reason and sometimes we don't realize those reasons until the surprise is over. I've had my fair share of bad surprises just like other people who've been greeted by unwelcome deaths in their family or other bad news. "He was a good dad. He was very funny and joked around with us sometimes. Even though he was strict he really did love us," mom said after she told me that story.

We often think relationships are strained because of distance or a lack of communication but that's not always necessarily true. People can go months without seeing or hearing from each other but that doesn't change the amount of love they have for us. Sometimes reaching out is a great way of catching up and seeing how someone is doing. I did that over the Christmas holiday. I texted two girls I was best friends with in high school to see how they were. Of course it was out of nowhere for both of them and even though I didn't receive the same excitement from them for hearing from me, I kind of feel okay knowing that I reached out and told them I was thinking of them. Other times, getting in touch with someone after a long, quiet absence can really improve the relationship. I talk to my cousin Blanca in California more often these days. Even though they're quick conversations, I'm glad I'm able to rebuild that relationship with my family out there. I'm hoping to see her sometime in the spring or summer along with my other family members I haven't seen in almost ten years.

I may be seen as someone who doesn't keep in touch that well but then again who doesn't?! So if you're one of the few people reading this, you're probably wondering "hmm I wonder if Jules ever thinks about me when she's not thinking about food, Brittany Snow or how many miles she has to run tomorrow." If you've crossed my mind, and I'm sure you have, then feel good knowing I am thinking about you. We'll catch up soon :)

Rest in peace Uncle Eddie. May 25, 1954-January 2, 2013

Girls

I think more people ought to know who Santigold is...

New video. It truly captures the diversity in New York City, where the video was made. 

 
Girls - Santigold

The Mono & Heartbreak Diet

Happy Friday, sluts!

A few months ago I encountered a nasty bout of mononucleosis. I know, you're probably thinking I spent a late night out in the city making out vigorously with someone who'll treat me like shit five weeks after that. My city-slickin' ways have come to a slow pause, a mere standstill. Why? Because I'm old*
*23 is not old. However to a twenty-something post-grad, it's almost like turning 50. It feels like turning 50. You start doing things 50-year old ladies do like playing bridge with your girlfriends and making dinner and going to church and watching game shows. But for a 23-year old that's the equivalent to sitting on the couch with your roommates, drinking wine and watching Real Housewives, Nashville, and The Bachelor. And sometimes forcing them to sit through another episode of Shahs of Sunset (What? Part of me wishes I was Persian. All they do is drink champagne and look stunning with their dark skin and gold jewelry while their pet cheetahs eat anyone they don't think. I really oughta look into getting a pet cheetah.)

Anyways, I got mono. And it sucked. Probably from sharing drinks, or smoking hookah, or that one time when that boy sneezed on me in Target. And getting it when Hurricane Sandy decided to projectile vomit half of the Atlantic Ocean all over the east coast was even more eventful. Thanks, girl. We really needed you to baptize us with your presence. Sucha sweetie.

It started with a sore throat and white patches on my tonsils. I thought it was strep but the strep test was negative. Great. I have a zombie virus that antibiotics won't cure. I spent a week barely being able to swallow and sounding like Kermit the Frog. It went away in a week and I was feeling better. My doctor still suggested I get a blood test just in case so two weeks after I got better I went in for a blood test. Ten days later, he called me saying I had mono. I was shocked. I didn't suffer from the extreme fatigue, high fever, and just feeling like a complete shit ball. I was working out too so I had no idea my spleen was swollen. Thankfully, I had given up drinking alcohol and juice for 40 days during that time so I was able to recuperate and not combust into this oozing pile of sick girl.

I went to the doctor before the Christmas holiday and he told me that I had lost some weight since my last visit back in November. And recently, a co-worker of mine saw me printing at the copier and said "You're skinnyyyy." I replied with, "Thanks to my mono and heartbreak diet!" It's quite simple actually. So during the time I had mono, I kind of, sort of, might have gotten a little manic depressive and broken again but it actually wasn't that big of a deal. Although it further added to my weight loss, I'd say it's a feeling I would rather not feel in 2013. But if you're in a bind and in need for a weight loss plan that's outside the norm for you, try The Mono & Heartbreak Diet. It's been tested and approved by yours truly...

The Mono & Heartbreak Diet
You will need the following...

1 extremely sore throat with tonsils covered in puss
1 low-grade or high fever with much body aches
1 heart, bruised and broken
Throat lozenges
Peanut butter cups
Nutella-filled sugar cookies
Lots and lots of tissues
This song
And this song
DEFINITELY THIS SONG
Your mom and your girlfriends

Prerequisites: a night 4-6 weeks prior when you shared drinks, mouths, or hookahs with a group of friends, preferably friends that have carried some sort of case of mono.

1. Experience symptoms of strep throat and pay no attention to it. Stock up on over-the-counter meds, assuming it will go away in time for the weekend.

2. Panic when the tonsils worsen and swallowing becomes an arduous and painful chore. Lay in bed, call your mom crying. This may require the feeling of denial after you find out your strep test turned out negative.

3. Retrace your steps. What did you share and with whom? Call those you've hung out and ask them if they've had mono or experienced any similar symptoms as you. If left shit outta luck, lay in bed more and cry a little.

4. Sleep. A lot. Doze off during episodes of trash tv. Barely respond to text messages. Drink orange juice, thinking you may just be vitamin C deficient. You're wrong.

5. Feel lonely and depressed. See your future turn into ashes at the thought of having mono. See your crush disappear into thin air. See your social circle move on without you. Become severely worried with FOMO. Cry and fall asleep.

6. Wake up and pee. Look for something to eat in the fridge. Grimace at the sight of all the food that looks painful to swallow. Settle for a glass of water, pain meds, and a throat lozenge.

7. Miss your crush who you haven't spoken to. Watch sappy rom-coms with your roommates as a distraction. Eat the nutella-filled sugar cookies that your roommate made. Smile for the first time in three days.

8. Walk around your apartment as your way of being social. Take a hot shower, call your mom, and nap.

9. Eat soup and call it an early night while your friends all go out. Silence your phone so you get a restful night's sleep, hoping to wake up to a text from your crush missing you. Wake up to no texts.

10.  Have a lazy day. Watch episodes of Girls with your girlfriends. Put your phone away. Laugh. Drink tea.

11. Hear from your crush. Make them laugh with your Kermit the Frog voice. Have a good conversation then go to bed.

12. Your tonsils start clearing up. You start to see the light.

13. You get back to your workout routine. You text your crush. Your crush texts you. Color comes back to your face. Notice your legs looking thinner.

14. A few months go by. Your crush makes you nervous. You get worried. You have arguments. Your nerves will make you nauseous. Down two glasses of water. Try to read. Cry a lot. Ask your mom for a hug. Sleep.

15. Don't hear from your crush for three days. Pray that she's okay. Celebrate New Years with close friends. Leave your phone upstairs and untouched. You feel okay, they make you laugh.

16. Work through your lunch break. Drink water and tea. Tear up thinking about sweet nothings your crush once told you. Reacquaint yourself with Christian rock.

17. Work out after a long day. Get a good sweat going. Distract yourself by running for miles. Life weights. Look at phone and be okay with no text messages or missed calls.

18. Watch Pitch Perfect for the fifth time. Your mood is better. Sing at the top of your lungs with your roommates.You're ready to go to bed.

19. Wake up. Vow to put your worries in God's hands this year. Smile at strangers to make your mood brighter. Remind yourself things happen for a reason and that this year is yours. Wear that pair of salmon-colored corduroys. They feel a little loose as does your shirts and other tops.

20. Be optimistic. Work your ass off to survive. Take care of yourself this time. Assume less. Expect nothing. Forgive those who hurt you and smile about it. Feel good. Thank God.

Prep-time: Your Past
Duration: A season
Outcome: Awesome

When to come back

Looking at the calendar now, it's almost been 3 months since I've last written here. Unlike before, I won't sit here and apologize for not writing. I've just been unmotivated. Although endless thoughts flood my mind, I didn't feel the need to write them down and share.

To sum up the fall and winter thus far, I can truly say I've had better days but who hasn't gone through a time in their lives where things kind of just...stop? Where you don't really feel like yourself or up to doing anything that normally you would do in a heartbeat.

I took a sabbatical from dating, something that I think helped but hurt all at the same time. Going through countless dead-end experiences wasn't ideal for me. And to escape the mind games, overthinking, and empty wallet over people who clearly were looking for different things kind of saved my well-being. But it also hurt at the same time because although those people disappointed me, I did miss that companionship; that feeling of being "wanted"; the good kind of busy where you couldn't meet up with your girlfriends because you had a cute date to go on. The text conversations and random twenty-minute chats on the phone, that's what I missed. But learning how to be alone, although somewhat lonely, isn't always a bad thing. I've been learning to rely on friends for fun comradery and painstaking laughter and I'm continuing (struggling, but continuing) to rebuild my self-worth and not dwell on the things I miss and hope for in a relationship. I know that I'm bound to have a healthy one eventually but at the right time and with the right person, as patient as I have to be, I am learning to understand as time goes on.This doesn't mean I'll burst out with some feelings of heartbreak ever again, because there will be days where I will feel like complete crap but right now I'm just trying to things as they are and not feel sad. Besides, I'm at work right now and being consoled by my co-workers would make me feel awkward.

Right before Super Storm Sandy scared the shit out of me and the rest of the Northeast, I came down with a bout of really bad laryngitis, which actually turned out to be mononucleosis. Yummy. And of course, just my luck. I wouldn't consider myself germaphobic but I always had this uncanny fear of getting mono kind of like how Hannah Horvath was always afraid of contracting AIDS. Did I mention I'm like really excited for the new season of Girls to come out on January 13th? Anyways, I didn't receive the results of my bloodtest until a few days before Thanksgiving. So right after my tonsil nastiness cleared up I went right back to working out not knowing my spleen was swollen and could burst if I ever were to trip and fall on a morning run outside. Oops! All in all, I'm feeling better and have been for almost two months. My doctor says I'm not contagious and to take it easy working out.

So since nothing exciting has really happened since I last wrote here (and I'm not saying my last post was anything to be excited about), I guess one of the reasons why I've decided to write this short blurb was because one of my best friends motivated me with her own writing. My health guru workout queen nugget Gi has taken to her own writing outlet and I must say she is one to inspire and motivate. Take a look at her new blog that'll not only motivate you to be the best version of yourself you could possible be, but it'll also put things in perspective in an intriguing way. With a background in health and fitness, she can even inspire those tummy trolls to feel motivated and get Gi-Fit :)

I'm not making a comeback or anything like that by writing for the first time in a long time. This may be the last post I write for a while, who knows. But after reading some moving words by one of my closest friends, I've decided to come back and see where things take me.

Oh, and I finally got an iPhone. The 5. It's really cool but I'm still getting used to it.

I'm afraid to read your letter

I'm afraid to read your letter because it'll just bring back all of those good memories that aren't there anymore. Your letter is in the top drawer of my dresser with the frosted glass. You know, the one I bought from IKEA and sent a picture to you after I finished putting it together. I remember you told me I did a great job and you really liked the color of my walls. But you never got to see the color close up nor did you get to see the drawers, or me for that matter.

I'm afraid to read your letter because it'll just show me the promises and hope that was easily taken away from me. Just as easy as it was for you to write that letter. I'm sorry for saying that and I'm sorry if it comes off as harsh. But I think you and I were so keen on telling each other the truth; what I hope was the truth and still is the truth. It's really hard for you to think about that stuff right now. You're trying, which is good.

I'm afraid to read your letter because it'll take me back to that place. That emotional, loving, vulnerable place. And although I do still keep you in my heart and there hasn't gone a day without me thinking about you, I refuse to revisit that letter and read what you wrote. It'll break my heart. It'll turn my pretty decent day into an anxiety-ridden night of tossing and turning and downright missing you. I miss you, you know that? No surprise there, you'll say.

I'm afraid to read your letter because I'll cry. I mean, I've been crying if that's what will make you feel better - just knowing that I'm a completely shattered person and putting myself together is like a blind man looking for his glasses in a large open space with only white noise in the background. I still go out and have fun with my friends but your in my head still. You're untouchable and I can't do much about that. Part of me wants to keep you there just in case you want to come back and show me those promises up close and personal.

I have no more eggs because I placed them all in this mysterious basket that I just can't seem to remember where I placed. There's no point of searching for it either. I'll remember with time. As Sanctus Real sang, "Sometimes the truth ain't easy to find...But I'm learning that these things take time."

I saved your voicemails too. I listened to them not too long ago. Although hearing your voice was refreshing, those words you wrote me this past summer are things you wouldn't normally share over the phone. Amazing, heartfelt words. I just can't read them right now. I'm still that blind man looking for his glasses in a large open space with only white noise in the background.

Go Away...

Please. Just for now. Meow hiss. 

I'm leaving my phone in the car for the time being.

I'm sorry. 

PS: This isn't a picture of me. But doesn't she have my hair and mannerisms?

Don't you worry child...

This song + my life currently = assurance. 

My insides are dancing like all these peeps. RIP SHM.

gimme some time, jiggas.

40 MORE Things You Should Know Before Dating Me

In regards, to the previous 40 things, here are 40 more. And if you haven't read the first 40 then you should before you read these 40. Just came back from a run in mah new shoez and felt inspired. Meow. Woof.

1. Pet names, I'm guilty. Consider yourself lucky if I don't call you by your real name. Real names are dull. Okay, not really, but seriously...how do you expect me to get comfortable with you without a nickname? Nicknames are boss and cool and say things like, "Hey, I'm cool enough to be called something other than my real name. Only my parents call me by my real name. Lame sauce!"

2. I rape New York Magazine's Restaurant and Bar section of the website. It's maddening how many great and famazing places there are in the 13.4 mile-long island and surrounding burroughs. Fiddlesticks, I really wanna go on dates at all these places. It's just a matter of finding the right company, and if you consist of that right company, then you're all taken care of. At least for that night. And if my bank account allows it. Moreover, you have to be fucking nice is what it comes down to. I'm not taking you to Frank or ABC Kitchen if you're gonna treat me like dog shit.

3. If you intrigue me, I will smile. You may not know it but I'm smiling.

4. I say "anyways," rather than the grammatically correct, "anyway." I add the s. Why? Just 'cause. And if it's a make or break of you dating me, then you can sit by yourself. Forever.

5. The older I get, the nicer I try to be. However, the nicer I try to be, I don't always receive the responses I'd like to hear. Example: If I try to be sweet to you and you respond sarcastically, I'll feel defeated. I'm sorry but I will.

6. In regards to #5, I'm also quite sensitive. But don't really show it :\

7. I think about sex during the day more often than at night.

8. The company I currently work for is somewhat lax with their personal phone use policy. To be honest, we don't have a personal phone use policy. But I can text. So don't think I'm uber needy if I'm texting you during my work hours. Or calling you on an extended break. I'm great at multitasking and that doesn't just apply to using a phone.

9. I won't make the first move. I just won't. I'll imply for it to happen. I'll hint at your ability to "go in for the kill." I'll even meet you half way (okay, more like you come in 60% and I'll go in 40% in terms of kissing). But I just can't get myself to put on my big girl pants and make the first move! At least not yet.

10. I have a pretty good memory, so don't lie. Or at least try not to. Better yet, simply quit while you're ahead. I'll catch up, put pieces together, and eventually question you. Sorry, but I'm not trying to be made a fool especially when I'm willing to take you to Frank or ABC Kitchen (see #2).

11.  I'll make you mix CDs and hope to God you like the songs.

12. If I'm having a really shitty day and I plan on seeing you, I will genuinely ask you for a hug because I genuinely need one in my overwhelmed state. And please respond kindly. Who doesn't like hugs?

13. If I feel the need to console you for some odd reason, I'll pat and/or rub the top of your back for a good second or two. Just let it happen.

14. I'm that type of girl who smiles at her phone when you text me. I mean, if it's something nice of course. Who would smile at a text like, "You're being a sensitive cunt. I don't want to talk to you right meow or go to Frank with you."

15. I listen to inspirational, Christian music on the radio to and from work. Don't ask. But those songs really get me through some tough times, especially as of late. One time, I was driving home and I heard this song, and I started bawling. Legit, #bawling. If this means you'll stop seeing me and talking to me, then you are definitely not worth expensive dinner dates and back rubs. Fuh you!

16. I'll have those days where I'm just sad for no reason. It has nothing to do with you. I'm just sad. And I'll secretly hope you'll console me with a hug or some inspirational words.

17. I read here and there. I usually read obscure literature. Like right now, I'm reading C.S. Lewis. I think it'd be so cute if you gave me a book to read and wrote me a little note in it. I'd keep it forever even if I didn't read the whole thing.

18. I'll miss you more when I drink wine with my friends. I'm currently doing that right meow with three of my besties.

19. Body pillows. They are famazing. When you're not around...yeah, I'll be putting my crotch on that and cuddling like a sad puppy in need of some lovin'.

20. In regards to #19, I'm big on cuddling. I cuddled with my mama this past weekend because I was feeling really down and didn't want to be alone. I'm sorry but I love my mama and if she's willing to be the only one to love me then so be it.

21. Eventually, I would like to say goodnight to you. Whether it's via text or a brief phonecall, I would want to say goodnight to you no matter if you're out with friends or taking an early night in.

22. As much as I love Williamsburg and the #hipster lifestyle, I can't fathom fully dressing like one. I mean, I try but it never works out. Just don't judge me if I wear herrem pants on a date. If I do, that means I'm #extremely comfortable around you.

23. I'm drunk, please don't judge me for blogging right meow.

24. I've said this before, if I'm out with friends and I'm drunk, I'll expect you to pay attention to me when you text me.

25. I will want to send you e-mails of things that pop up on my Twitter that remind me of yew.

26. I will secretly hope you have a partially romantic side to you. I mean, I do. SoooOOOoooo, it would only make sense? Idk.

27. I have the worst sounding morning voice. I used to talk to someone who thought it was "so sexy" but no. It's not. I sound like  raspy senior citizen who lives in nursing home miserable, sad, and alone. Or widowed. Depending on when you die.

28. I will support you. If you're working in the circus or about to get an abortion, I will support you. Look, my motto is, "If I'm gonna love ya, I'm gonna love all of ya." But...that depends on a lot. Like a lot.

29. You show me the same amount of effort that I put into a relationship, if not more, I will treat you like a queen, a princess, like fucking Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge.

30. I would want to read to you. Usually, I like sharing interesting Thought Catalog articles with people and I will insist on reading them out loud to you whether over the phone or in person.

31. I'm big on tone and sometimes texting can be a little much for me, especially if I don't know your sense of humor or can't read your interest level. I may become stand offish without assurance that you're joking/still interested/not being a huge dick of a person/etc. Refer to #6.

32. I've played games when I dated before and as I get older, that's becoming more of a hassle than a fun time. Dating should be fun, not strategic. So don't try sinking my battleship by being a asshole.Thanks.

33.  Phone > Texting. Depending on the time and place.

34. I used to have the hardest time accepting compliments. But you know what? It just goes to show you that someone is just trying to be nice. And that's what I try to do these days without losing all sense of my wit, sarcasm, and cynicism. So dammit, if I say you smell good or look good, then take it. Don't "blame" it on the fact that you showered for the first time in 13 days or I'm just looking at you from a certain angle.

35. I'm not a klepto but I'll ask you if I can have something that you're wearing. Not in a weird way though. More of like a childish, "gimme gimme" way. I'll insist on trading with you something of equal or lesser value (lesser if I'm being honest) of my own, but over time I'll just keep whatever is yours and say I'm "taking good care of it temporarily." You won't get it back. And I probably won't end up trading anything of mine with you.

36. I'm not that great at planning dates. I'm good at making suggestions, meeting you at said destination at said time, and even being a team player and trying new grub, drinks, blah blah blah. But when it comes to planning, I'm better at planning roadtrips and social gatherings. I think.

37. I'm slightly self-conscious about my writing and if you show little to no interest in reading my blog, or you seem like a judgmental person, you're never reading this.

38. I do believe that first impressions are quite important. So don't be a dick.

39. I would hope that you in some way at least try to take care of yourself (i.e. decent night's rest, a little exercise even if that amounts to stretching in the morning or cracking your knuckles, have some sort of ambition even if that means determination to finish your plate of food or alcoholic beverage, etc.). Essentially, don't be a slug.

40. I will do everything in my power to make you smile. I promise you that :)

I used to be afraid of summer

Summer is the season to leave your inhibitions at bay, enjoy the hot, sweaty sunshine with your breast frans, and kiss strangers without giving a shit. Just don't get mono. Summer concerts, barbecues, rooftop hangouts, getting tan, beachin' it, BONFIRES, sandy sex (I wonder if summer is when the cocktail Sex on the Beach was created), watermelon grins, ice cold brewskies, tank tops, shorts, flippy floppies, and leaving the hair straightener 'OFF' all season because beach hair is more sustainable in humidity. I'm sure there are other terms associated with the sweet, sweet summahtime...but my job doesn't offer summer Fridays so we're not gonna talk about it, k?!

Essentially, summer is when you can give a huge middle finger to reality. "Hey, what's up real life? How've you been? Yeah? Winter did suck because being that frostbitten for four months isn't fun. And the springtime? Well, it's nice but those flowers and bees and pollen flying everywhere isn't doing wonders for my allergies. But the SUMMERTIME? Yeah, that's my jam! So I'm gonna do that for a few months before I have to start looking more put together in the fall. Peace, bitch."

Vacations and roadtrips, camping excursions and visiting old friends. Seeing new places out of spontaneity, hanging out at beer gardens and vegging out on a towel with sand in your crack...that's summer.

I remember last summer. Huff. It was fun but full of a lot of uhh...hmm...exhaustion? Recklessness? Car totalling? No sense of self? Well, a little sense of self but Jesus Christ it was tough. TOUGH. Huff.

But after last summer I used to think, "Man, I hate this season. It brings back so many unwanted memories and situations and toxicity. I don't want to do that again." I was confused and crazy. Still am a little. I cried a lot. I hated people. I did everything and anything to get my mind of what was consuming it. Not a great way to deal with things.

I'd still consider myself a little like my last summer self. Just a bit more vocal. A bit more wary and cautious. Cynical. Kind. Hopeful. Still a bit confused. Scared. Thankful for the help I have and receive. Probably a little more emotional. A little more anxious. A little bit broken, closed off. A few pounds lighter. Spiritual definitely. I try more. I try to be a lot more patient and a little less negative. It's tough sometimes. But it was enjoyable to say the least. I was happier this year. I was heartbroken too. I guess the two balance each other out. I don't know really know right now. All I know is that this summer was a little better than last year. I still had the same amount of fun just with much more heat in the air. I grew a little. Not by much but enough to accept and notice change. Trying to accept change still.

And now that summer is over. Part of me is dreading the fall. I have so much to learn and I guess to look forward to?

We shall see.

How I feelz, awman. LDW Weekend preppin'

Meow meow meow. Sad cat. Kind of. Coasting to Longport for a long, holiday weekend away from the hustle bustle fustle grump truck of New Yawk. Listening to dis schtuff...

 Chained (Panic City Remix) - The xx
 
Did I hold too tight? Did I let enough light in?

There Might Be Coffee (MILLERTIME Edit)

OMG. 

Voltage - Skrillex
 
Yurp. It ain't sad without a little dub sauce from the Skrill. 



And what I need to remember...shake ya booty even when you don't wanna :)

Turn Up the Radio - Madonna vs Laidback Luke feat. Far East Movement) [Radio Edit]
Sorry, no video for dis one. You should still listen to it.


I Love It - Icona Pop
 
This song reminds me of last summer. DEFINITELY do not wanna relive that bullshit. 

No Beef - Afrojack & Steve Aoki 
 
Loves and loves and loves some more. Steve is my doppleganger. Don't know why it took me so long to realize this.  


Everyone have a happy, healthy, and SAFE Labor Day Weekend. Dance and relax and hang and sun and smile. Never forget to smile. 

:)

Rebuilding the sidewalk.

Earlier this summer, there was construction being done outside of my apartment. It's still going on to this day. From what the foreman told me, considering I see the construction workers doing their thing when I leave for work (not only forcing me to say hi but also being cordial to strangers before 9am), he said they were "going to improve the water system", which would essentially benefit our building along with that part of town. I didn't really get what he saying because I'm not well versed in construction talk or whatever Eastern European accent he fashioned.

Still, he's nice and his eyes are kind and he asks me once a week how the sidewalk is looking. I give him a thumbs up and tell him, "you guys are doing a great job!" With all of this construction being done on the water system underneath the sidewalks, this forces them to rip open parts of the sidewalk and close other parts off, forcing passersby to walk on parts of the street along traffic. This is quite an inconvenience sometimes when I'm wearing too long (and also too big) of dress slacks and they brush on the dusty, ground. I sometimes have to wipe the soot off my pants when I get into my car.

Aside from the summer heat and humidity beating down on all of them, they really are a nice group of men. Or as nice as they'll ever be considering it is really hot outside. And they are doing a great job, aside from it taking pretty much all summer to fix. I didn't realize there was so much pipeage to deal with underground. In a way, it reminds me of how someone rebuilds their self to better function in society, in life, and in relationships...

And I guess I'm trying to do that.

According to my landlord, there's a power box underground that eventually people in our unit and the unit next door can access when the power goes out in their apartment unit. I'm not too sure this is going to work but essentially he said people will be able to go underground, into some sort of bomb shelter-like opening and flick a switch. This concept kind of reminds me how Keebler elves work when they make cookies and the power goes out. All in all, I wasn't really listening when he was talking to me, something I should probably work on. And what even confused me more was the connection between water and power so if someone could enlighten me one day then it would make this blog post less confusing.

In order for all of these pipes to be working, the construction workers have to break away pieces of the concrete, the exterior, and expose the pipes. There, in front of our apartment you can see the long, rusty, water pipe exposed in a deep opening in the ground. The pipe is vulnerable and everyone who walks on that side of the street can see what's inside. Like it's getting ready for surgery. Everything. Is. Exposed.

They break away huge chunks of the concrete too. Going around the curve to the parking lot in the back. A majority of the sidewalk is taped off so you can't walk on it. There's rubble, dirt, dust everywhere. You hear drills and jackhammers penetrating through the hard concrete, breaking away layer after layer of thick ground. Men are shoveling and scooping dirt and ground out to deepen the exposed pipeage. That noise when wheel loaders back up echoes in my head, and as it scoops dirt out of the ground to expose more pipe, you see more of a problem that has to be fixed. You can almost jump inside to take a closer look but I'm sure the foreman wouldn't want me doing that in my work clothes.  And without a hard hat.

I guess in order to improve the productivity and longevity of an important energy source, a vital organ, you have to open it up to find the root of the problem and fix it so it'll work better in the future. And as you expose every layer of yourself, attempting to fix your own pipe, you're becoming more vulnerable to outside sources. But you kind of let that pain happen, knowing that after it's all over you'll get better. Your pipe will be in tip-top shape. Water, or energy, or whatever source is trying to be fixed will be able to flow again and life will go on as normal. Or as normal as you let it be.

Even after construction is complete, there's always room for error. Something could go horribly wrong and the pipe could encounter a blockage. Something could crack in the pipe, causing water or energy or whatever source is supposed to be flowing to cease. A complete shutdown. A curveball. An expected moment in time where you question whether all this work was done for nothing.

Like doctors, the construction workers have to go into the ground again and fix whatever error occurred. Not only is it like a rush to save a life but it's to lessen the inconvenience for all the tenants, myself included, who rely on this energy source in their apartments. Sometimes, it's an easy fix and other times it's not. And when you're trying to fix a pipe inside yourself, you don't really know how long it will take before you get better. You just know you have to get better in order to fully function to the best of your ability, and to maybe have better relationships, better health, better faith, whatever better you need.

The sidewalk is actually looking a lot better these days. They re-opened one of the traffic lanes that had been blocked off all summer. Since it was closed off, it was forcing all the traffic to merge into one complicated lane. The openings along the sidewalk are now covered with new concrete and sidewalk looks a lot cleaner. The gravel is paved and smoothed down for people to walk on. It kind of feels good walking on new ground, like it's kind of cushy on the bottom of your feet. A lot of the orange cones have been removed too. I now see them not in front of my apartment building but now across the street working on more pipeage there. Although it will take a while for everything in the area to finally be complete, I have no doubt that they will do a great job...and they may even encounter some bumps along the road over there too. But that shouldn't stop them from doin' work!

The pipes after being fixed can still encounter an unexpected problem. A repair to anything can still sporadically collapse. It just takes a little bit of tenderness, a dash of patience, a little faith that slowly but surely things will get better and the pipe, your pipe, whatever pipe that needed fixing, will be in tip-top shape.


Hang in there.

Things to do in my twenties

I guess you can say this is inspired by Thought Catalog, considering a lot of their articles are lists and a lot more are directed at twenty-somethings. But this list is for my personal benefit...or setback. I don't know we'll see...

In no order in particular...

1. Take advantage of more free events (i.e. music or film events, food festivals, beer and wine, physical activities in the park, classes, etc.)
2. Tell people to "take care of yourself." This one I got from Ryan O'Connell (naturally).
3. Travel to other U.S. cities on long weekends.
4. Read more.
5. Get more sleep.
6. Drink Crystal Light - it doesn't make your hair fall out. My Grandpa was joking.
7. Find a good protein powder and stick to it.
8. Eat more fruit (even better if I could pick my own in a farm or something).
9. Take my vitamins REGULARLY.
10. Be conscious of sugar...sometimes.
11. Order a stiff drink here and there.
12. Cook more, eat out less.
13. Actually, do/make/try the things I pinned on Pinterest.
14. Watch a tv series regularly with your roommates (it brings everyone together after a long day)
15. Drop arguments when they're pointless.
16. Smile during conversation more, especially with new faces.
17. Sit in the grass.
18. Buy locally grown produce at farmers markets.
19. Love animals like new friends (I'm talking big hugs and deep conversation kinda love).
20. Be mindful of my tone when in conversation - my tone is usually misread for bitchiness...sometimes I don't mean it that way. Sometimes.
21.Go for a run outside without headphones and take in the natural noise around me.
22. Don't be afraid to get a little spiritual.
23. Cry if it makes me feel a little better then get back to work.
24. Be honest, be patient, be calm.
25. Love myself like I love my favorite people.

Things I'd Do For You If I Loved You

Now to clear things up, this is an unofficial list of different things I'd do for you if I loved you enough to do them. Primarily for someone I loved and dated simultaneously but I mean, I'd do this for a few good friends too!

1. Skip lunch to pick up your dry cleaning.

2. Drive to Kinko's if you needed an important document sent and you were without the capable technology to do so.

3. Wear a cheesy, Christmas sweater with you to your family's holiday gathering. Besides, Christmas sweaters are sexy.

4. Shell out hundreds of dollars on the most expensive cheese burger just so you would stop crying about being hungry and craving a burger but didn't want to go to McDonald's, Burger King, or Zip's.

5. Cook/make you a meal that is not particularly my favorite (i.e. hard boiled eggs - I would peel them for you too...with a grimace on my face. But still, that's love).

6. Wax your butthole.

7. Take the last train into the city if you really wanted me to.

8. Try not to roll my eyes when you want to watch something stupid on TV.

9. I would "serenade" you with my unqualifiable-for-American-Idol voice. I truly believe I'm tone-deaf.

10. Stay with you in the bathroom if you were sick from food poisoning/drinking/stomach virus/etc.

11. Go with you to the doctor's office even if it was something minor like a papercut or scraped knee.

12. Dress your wound even if it was something minor like a papercut or scraped knee.

13. Baby you when you wanted to babied. Even though I'm not naturally like that.

14. Cradle you like a silly child.

15. Let you fall asleep first if you were afraid of the dark.

16. Let your parents stay with us if for some reason their home died due to a natural disaster or they wanted to save some dollas on hotels and shiz.

17. Let you have the last bite of whatever we were eating.

18. Share one of those stupid milkshakes with you like we were at some 50s-themed diner and sip out of two straws looking into each others eyes. Ugh.

19. Give you a lapdance*
*This, however, will take a lot of practice and confidence in my abilities before I conjure up the courage to do this sexy deed. Meow.

20. Say "sorry" even if I don't have to. 

21. Let you sleep in the bed if we got into a huge fight and didn't want to be around each other, forcing me to sleep on the couch. 

22. Remind you every day that I love you even when I'm being a huge, crabby bitch and not in the mood.

40 Things You Should Know Before Dating Me

Naturally, I was reading Thought Catalog earlier and came across Jason Cook's post.

And since I haven't posted in over a month (I'm sorry but when I'm in really good moods/someone is paying close attention to me in a romantic sense/embracing my twenty-something social life/shoving heaps of avocado in my face/working out like a post-graduate athlete with a slow metabolism/etc I tend not to blog).

AND SO...Here's my own list of things one must know about before dating me. Please don't change your mind about me after reading these. I can be the girl of your dreams and with the right amount of sweet talk I will sit through your favorite show on whatever God-awful channel you're prone to be obsessed with. I will try not to roll my eyes. Just don't make me cheer for the Yankees if that's your favorite team. Kthanks...

In no particular order...

1. When I eat food, I go to town. Like legit, stuff my face with a certain degree of grace but after a while I'll start telling you about my day mid-chew.

2. I'm a die hard Phillies fan and no matter how much they may "suck", whatever trash talk you decide to say about them you're that much further from some sexy time.

3. I crack my knuckles like Arnie Grape. If you haven't seen the movie, then you're in for a rude and awkward awakening. Granted, I don't make that face Leonardo DiCaprio wore when he played Arnie.

4. I tend to get passive sometimes. It's a defense mechanism, I'll admit that. And I get even more passive if you can't pick up on my passiveness.

5. I get cranky when I'm hungry but won't admit it because I'm afraid to look like a fatass.

6. I get cranky when I'm horny and I can't do anything about it. I won't admit that either unless I'm on a VERY comfortable level with whomever I'm talking to.

7. I don't tend to watch animated films or television shows. They're not my cup of tea but I will watch them if you really wanted me to.

8. I put on a forced happy face when I feel uncomfortable but don't want to seem stand-offish.

9. I drink in the shower. Not all the time but it's nice once in a while to get tipsy off of hot steam and alcohol.

10. I dance like a maniac at EDM concerts. I debate whether or not I should take someone I'm dating with me unless they dance crazy and listen to EDM too.

11. I curse a lot. I try not to but shit happens.

12. My tone can be abrasive but it just means I'm passionate about whatever I'm talking about.

13. I turn into a nerd when I talk about things I love or am really interested in. Like food and music and film.

14. My brain is home to a lot of weird facts that not many people know about. My best friend calls me the human almanac.

15. I LOVE independent films. No one is really on my level in that department. So I enjoy watching them alone.

16. If I'm watching TV in the living room and eating dinner at the same time, I place my plate on a pillow in my lap and eat with my legs crossed Indian-style. Again, this I do when I'm alone.

17. I like day-drinking. Don't judge me.

18. If the sun is out, so am I. If it's raining out, that means one thing: You, me, bed, movies. All. Day.

19. I go to church on Sundays and always wanted someone to come with me. And yes, I'm Catholic. And yes, I believe in God. And I love Jesus. And although I may not always be morally consistent, I have a good sense of right and wrong and that feeling of guilt when I don't go to church.

20. I would want to cook for you if we dated. It may not be good but I'd like to cook for someone other than myself and pretend I'm Giada De Laurentiis. That means, move over frozen veggies, make room for Mr. Tuna Steak!

21. I would want to bring you with me if we were going out to meet some of my friends. It's like saying, "Hey bitches, look what I have!"

22. If I'm out drunk with friends, I expect you to pay attention to me when I text you.

23. If I'm drunk out with you, I will pretend to be sober.

24. I talk with my hands. So stay out of the radius of my arms and sometimes, my fingers.

25. I'm very funny and I'm probably funnier and wittier than you. It's just the way it is. Please accept this for I will give you so many kisses.

26. I'm rough around the edges but I melt when you're being cute to me.

27. I'm secretly romantic despite my sarcastic and cynical exterior.

28. I will spoil you if my bank account allows it.

29. I can be that jealous girlfriend-type sometimes. Then again, who the fuck isn't?!

30. I'm touchy-feely. Come here, you! Let's graze elbows and schtuff :)

31. I sometimes have no shame...even in public. You can interpret that anyway you'd like.

32. I don't mind PDA if it's done tastefully. Again, you can interpret that anyway you'd like.

33. Depending on what it is, I usually don't mind trying new things.

34. I'm vulgar. Sorry I'm not sorry. And if you're not, then for Christ's sake, give me a drink and something interesting to talk about.

35. Roadtrips. I'm sorry, but you must like these.

36. I will most likely write about you.

37. I work out at least five times a week. And that probably won't change even when we start dating. I'm sorry but I would like to look decent for you. No matter how great you may think I look, I do this for me. And don't think I'm making my workout more of a priority than you, that's not true. I find my balance.

38. When you're sick or upset, I will try to make you feel better. But the minute you get snippy with me, then no, no, no, candy grams and kisses fo' youuu, Glen Coco!

39. I quote Bridesmaids and Heavyweights a lot. You must see these movies before we start dating. It's mandatory.

40. I'm quite jovial and social sometimes when I meet new people. Don't interpret this as my throwing my cat at everyone. I'm not flirting. Not one bit. So don't give me the cold shoulder because I have tunnel vision and the only person in the room is you.