I Am Not Alone

I am not alone because Charlotte Green doesn't get over things quickly either. Even if her relationship ended after a few short weeks, she still feels the same sadness that anyone would feel when something ends and she didn't want it to. And she's okay with the fact that she lets herself feel that sadness even if the person who let her go is moving on with his life without any qualms in the world. To Green, "sometimes things end and it’s horrible and there is nothing that can be said which makes it suddenly less painful. Even if you’re young." Like many other young people, we have so many things to look forward to. We know that. But I don't need you to remind me of those things. I know you believe in fate and that everything happens for a reason but I highly doubt you'll bump into me like Channing Tatum ran into Rachel McAdams at the end of The Vow. I'll be surprised if we do...

"I’m sorry if you think that I should be doing other things, enjoying my youth, counting my blessings, and seeing other people. I don’t need to hear your motivational poster quotes about all of the wonderful things I still have to look forward to in life, or that we ended for a reason. I don’t need to hear about fate. I don’t need to hear anything." -- Charlotte Green

I know that right now I'm not where I want to be. I'm not my full self just yet. But I'm getting there. I am slowly getting there. I'm going to laugh more, and smile more, and be thankful more even if I don't mean nothing to you these days. This may not even be hard for you. This is something you can easily walk away from and wash your hands clean of. As Green put it, "As much as it pains me to admit, you likely don’t think about me." But in no way do I blame you. Like you and everyone else says, everything happens for a reason.

I am not alone because Chelsea Fagan knows what's it like to be the person who loves more. We both know what happens when you're the one who loves more - we begin to love ourselves less. We only see ourselves worthy of the amount of love the other person has for us. And we take that for what it is because to Chelsea (and I), "Even if being loved by them comes with a thousand asterisks, or is accompanied by put-downs or bouts of complete apathy, it is better than not being loved at all." Receiving admiration from the one who loves you less becomes the only thing that matters to you; the only key to your happiness when it shouldn't be...

"Suddenly, approval and affection from your partner become the only kind of currency that matter to you — the only thing capable of convincing you that you are good and worth loving. Because so much of you has been invested in convincing them that you deserve them, if they don’t recognize it, it can feel that no one ever will." -- Chelsea Fagan

I know eventually I'll mean a lot to somebody. Because I am who I am and I know you always said I shouldn't be anyone but myself. There were things that you loved about me just as there were things I did that irritated you. And I'm sorry for that. As Fagan said, "I am the kind of girl who will fight sometimes for no reason, who will create arguments out of thin air because she is frustrated and sometimes takes it out on the people who deserve it least but will stand for it most. I will know that what I am doing is wrong in the moment — that a label of “psycho” being flung at me will be as stinging as it is accurate — but be unable to stop myself [...] I love things at top volume, at their most difficult, at their most needlessly complex." And I did just that.

I'm not alone because Madison Moore knows what it's like to be with someone one minute and the next minute things are completely different. What happened? Moore asks, "Why do you act like a boyfriend but then disappear completely, emotionally and physically, moments after you just told me how much you miss me?" I know that people are constantly dealing with themselves and other priorities "but no matter how busy we get, there’s always time if we make it." There's a bond you create with someone you really like. You consistently work to make that bond last; make it stronger than the day before...

"Yes, I’ve probably made a fool of myself trying to tell you how I feel, but whatever. When you really like someone you take those risks. When you like someone you’re there for them, you tell them how you feel, you make time for them no matter what else you’re doing. If you’re not, then that person is not so important to you after all." -- Madison Moore

Even after I tell you all these things, nothing changes. I've waited on the other end to hear if you have anything to say but nothing comes out. I realize now that you were right, I never let you just say those things to me when you wanted to. I needed this extra reassurance from you so as to not make myself look like a complete idiot. But in the long run, I spilled the beans one too many times, leaving my heart heavier than it should be and not all that confident in how I wanted things to be between us.

I am not alone because Nico Lang simply says just that. No one ever is. He grew up reading books and befriending characters in novels. I grew up an only child with an imagination the size of the state of Texas. As I got older and other girls started dating and experiencing the pangs of teenage love, I was dreaming of what that would feel like all at the same time questioning why it's so hard for me and not the other girls. Lang referred to the film Sixteen Candles (one of my favorites) when Sam talks to her dad about her struggles to find love. Her dad mentions how things like that always came easy to Sam's older sister, which is why she never took the time to appreciate them. "When you have to fight for the things that you want, you’re less likely to take them for granted"...

"Eventually, lonely kids grow up into lonely adults, which sounds terrible (especially if you’re Sylvia Plath), but loneliness has a way of shaping your heart and making you who you are. You’re the person who cares so much about people that they’re willing to drive their friends a little crazy and the person who obsessively worries about their family and checks in on them, even when you know they’re probably fine. You just want to be sure. You’re the person who moons over their first kiss and writes about it endlessly in their journal, who learns to pine, yearn and strive for more — because you know what it is to lack." -- Nico Lang

I still forget to breathe sometimes and sweating the small stuff almost feels like second nature to me. You and my mom have always told me to just relax. Don't worry (I know you're not), I have been learning to chill the fuh out. But I still do that thing under my desk at the office where I shake my leg while I work. I still find myself wondering how you're doing and if you're thinking about me at all but then I just sigh and ask God to take care of everything. You included. And I get back to what I'm doing (like writing in my blog lol).

I am not alone because David Cain was dissatisfied with his life and loving himself was a desperate struggle. "I didn’t feel like I could get anywhere until I loved myself, and I didn’t feel like I could love myself until I got somewhere." Self-love is probably one of the most difficult types of love to really excel at. It's a day-by-day sort of love just like other important relationships involving this very emotional feeling...

"Self-love is not how you feel about yourself. It’s what you do for yourself. You can only love yourself by doing, not thinking. Execute feats of love, feats of respect, for your own benefit [...] Love is picking up the dumbells the moment you start making excuses. Love is doing your scariest task first thing in the morning [...] There is a choice in every moment, between acting out of love, or out of fear. At any instant, you can stop and look at the moment, and it is clear which action is which. You will make a habit out of choosing one or the other. You won’t be able to have respect if you do not make a habit of recognizing value. There is value in every person, object, place and moment, but you may miss it if you hold faults to be more important." -- David Cain

I told you in a letter a long time ago that I'm struggling to take care of myself and how I consider myself a temple of sorts. I struggle because of trust, because I've been burned before one too many times. But haven't we all? As much as I want my old self to return and remind you of that hurt and how you made me feel, I can't do that. It won't serve any purpose to you or me if I remind you of things you already know. Maybe you already forgot about them. I have no control over what you do with your life or how you feel. And I won't let you do the same to me because you don't care about me. At least not right now, maybe not ever. You may not have the time to. We're all trying to survive and there's no reason for me to rely on you to save me. I'm taking each day as an added step forward to respect myself, to value myself and to love myself before I can find the courage to do that for someone else. And I hope you do too.   

And since it's on the news constantly these days, a concept that is not at all new and has been going on for years, Manti Te'o is not alone because it happened to Nev Schulman.