The Mono & Heartbreak Diet

Happy Friday, sluts!

A few months ago I encountered a nasty bout of mononucleosis. I know, you're probably thinking I spent a late night out in the city making out vigorously with someone who'll treat me like shit five weeks after that. My city-slickin' ways have come to a slow pause, a mere standstill. Why? Because I'm old*
*23 is not old. However to a twenty-something post-grad, it's almost like turning 50. It feels like turning 50. You start doing things 50-year old ladies do like playing bridge with your girlfriends and making dinner and going to church and watching game shows. But for a 23-year old that's the equivalent to sitting on the couch with your roommates, drinking wine and watching Real Housewives, Nashville, and The Bachelor. And sometimes forcing them to sit through another episode of Shahs of Sunset (What? Part of me wishes I was Persian. All they do is drink champagne and look stunning with their dark skin and gold jewelry while their pet cheetahs eat anyone they don't think. I really oughta look into getting a pet cheetah.)

Anyways, I got mono. And it sucked. Probably from sharing drinks, or smoking hookah, or that one time when that boy sneezed on me in Target. And getting it when Hurricane Sandy decided to projectile vomit half of the Atlantic Ocean all over the east coast was even more eventful. Thanks, girl. We really needed you to baptize us with your presence. Sucha sweetie.

It started with a sore throat and white patches on my tonsils. I thought it was strep but the strep test was negative. Great. I have a zombie virus that antibiotics won't cure. I spent a week barely being able to swallow and sounding like Kermit the Frog. It went away in a week and I was feeling better. My doctor still suggested I get a blood test just in case so two weeks after I got better I went in for a blood test. Ten days later, he called me saying I had mono. I was shocked. I didn't suffer from the extreme fatigue, high fever, and just feeling like a complete shit ball. I was working out too so I had no idea my spleen was swollen. Thankfully, I had given up drinking alcohol and juice for 40 days during that time so I was able to recuperate and not combust into this oozing pile of sick girl.

I went to the doctor before the Christmas holiday and he told me that I had lost some weight since my last visit back in November. And recently, a co-worker of mine saw me printing at the copier and said "You're skinnyyyy." I replied with, "Thanks to my mono and heartbreak diet!" It's quite simple actually. So during the time I had mono, I kind of, sort of, might have gotten a little manic depressive and broken again but it actually wasn't that big of a deal. Although it further added to my weight loss, I'd say it's a feeling I would rather not feel in 2013. But if you're in a bind and in need for a weight loss plan that's outside the norm for you, try The Mono & Heartbreak Diet. It's been tested and approved by yours truly...

The Mono & Heartbreak Diet
You will need the following...

1 extremely sore throat with tonsils covered in puss
1 low-grade or high fever with much body aches
1 heart, bruised and broken
Throat lozenges
Peanut butter cups
Nutella-filled sugar cookies
Lots and lots of tissues
This song
And this song
DEFINITELY THIS SONG
Your mom and your girlfriends

Prerequisites: a night 4-6 weeks prior when you shared drinks, mouths, or hookahs with a group of friends, preferably friends that have carried some sort of case of mono.

1. Experience symptoms of strep throat and pay no attention to it. Stock up on over-the-counter meds, assuming it will go away in time for the weekend.

2. Panic when the tonsils worsen and swallowing becomes an arduous and painful chore. Lay in bed, call your mom crying. This may require the feeling of denial after you find out your strep test turned out negative.

3. Retrace your steps. What did you share and with whom? Call those you've hung out and ask them if they've had mono or experienced any similar symptoms as you. If left shit outta luck, lay in bed more and cry a little.

4. Sleep. A lot. Doze off during episodes of trash tv. Barely respond to text messages. Drink orange juice, thinking you may just be vitamin C deficient. You're wrong.

5. Feel lonely and depressed. See your future turn into ashes at the thought of having mono. See your crush disappear into thin air. See your social circle move on without you. Become severely worried with FOMO. Cry and fall asleep.

6. Wake up and pee. Look for something to eat in the fridge. Grimace at the sight of all the food that looks painful to swallow. Settle for a glass of water, pain meds, and a throat lozenge.

7. Miss your crush who you haven't spoken to. Watch sappy rom-coms with your roommates as a distraction. Eat the nutella-filled sugar cookies that your roommate made. Smile for the first time in three days.

8. Walk around your apartment as your way of being social. Take a hot shower, call your mom, and nap.

9. Eat soup and call it an early night while your friends all go out. Silence your phone so you get a restful night's sleep, hoping to wake up to a text from your crush missing you. Wake up to no texts.

10.  Have a lazy day. Watch episodes of Girls with your girlfriends. Put your phone away. Laugh. Drink tea.

11. Hear from your crush. Make them laugh with your Kermit the Frog voice. Have a good conversation then go to bed.

12. Your tonsils start clearing up. You start to see the light.

13. You get back to your workout routine. You text your crush. Your crush texts you. Color comes back to your face. Notice your legs looking thinner.

14. A few months go by. Your crush makes you nervous. You get worried. You have arguments. Your nerves will make you nauseous. Down two glasses of water. Try to read. Cry a lot. Ask your mom for a hug. Sleep.

15. Don't hear from your crush for three days. Pray that she's okay. Celebrate New Years with close friends. Leave your phone upstairs and untouched. You feel okay, they make you laugh.

16. Work through your lunch break. Drink water and tea. Tear up thinking about sweet nothings your crush once told you. Reacquaint yourself with Christian rock.

17. Work out after a long day. Get a good sweat going. Distract yourself by running for miles. Life weights. Look at phone and be okay with no text messages or missed calls.

18. Watch Pitch Perfect for the fifth time. Your mood is better. Sing at the top of your lungs with your roommates.You're ready to go to bed.

19. Wake up. Vow to put your worries in God's hands this year. Smile at strangers to make your mood brighter. Remind yourself things happen for a reason and that this year is yours. Wear that pair of salmon-colored corduroys. They feel a little loose as does your shirts and other tops.

20. Be optimistic. Work your ass off to survive. Take care of yourself this time. Assume less. Expect nothing. Forgive those who hurt you and smile about it. Feel good. Thank God.

Prep-time: Your Past
Duration: A season
Outcome: Awesome