Hello, 2012.

I was reading my New Years Resolution post from a year ago and I've noticed that I'm probably going to repeat myself this year. Like many around this time, I have resolutions. And yes, I'll admit now, they will not be fulfilled in this new year ahead of me. We all have a list of to-do's that we want to accomplish but is a year enough time to do that? For me, most likely not. Then again, we're constantly changing whether that's digressing into old habits or trying to form new habits to get rid of the old habits, thus creating a whole new set of habits that we will either keep or want to get rid of. They say it takes 28 days to quit a habit and two weeks to form a new one. Not sure if I can really accomplish either of those considering I still kind of need to figure out what habits I want to break. I sure as hell know I need to stop slouching. My parents always told me when I was younger and even through college my friends have been on my back (no pun intended) about it too. So I guess that would be one habit, er, resolution I would like to make this year*
*please note, I did readjust my posture just now whilst typing this. You gotta start somewhere, ya dig?


Looking back on the year of ups and downs that I've had in 2011 (just like every other human being on the planet), I have noticed changes that I've made...for the better and for the worse. On the upside, I've learned to be more open with my friends and family, as well as with people I meet day-to-day, about who I am as a person and "what I'm allll about, gurrrrl." We all have insecurities and demons we're constantly battling. I usually am the one to tell my friends the first step to recovery is acceptance (Note, this doesn't just refer to addictions of any kind but to other problems as well). I've learned to accept who I am. I figured God wouldn't have made me if He didn't care to deal with me. But I'm here (I'm queer, I'm absolutely fabulous) and at this point you take me for who I am or you move on. I'm not a bad person but I do have flaws. It's up to your discretion to tolerate them or not. On the downside, I've noticed certain thought-processes that I need to get rid of if I want to live a happy life. This is probably from dealing with new experiences and not really knowing how to deal with them. I've made rash decisions. Tons of them. I've grown irrational and over thought to the point of ruining things before they started. I've cried volumes of salt water out of my tear ducts and I sometimes question what would happen if I reached a maximum quota for crying within a year. I pushed people away when they simply tried to help me. I thought I hit rock bottom so many times over the littlest things. Let's just say, I was my own little diva to deal with.

I've also come to realize that the whole "Why Me?!" outlook on life isn't going to get me anywhere. Looking back on my dating "track record" I've been burned, I've done the burning, and I've also left things unfinished - leaving both parties confused, upset, and just in a real shitty mood (at least that's how I felt). Things happen for a reason. If things aren't meant to be it's for a good reason. We make decisions because that's how we felt at the time. But we also change like seasons and what we wanted before is not always what we want later on. So although things don't end so sweetly, the good times were still worth it. I think I owe that thinking to my roommate and close friend Gianna who tells me this advice when I bitch to her about my dating history and the ups and downs she's seen me go through (as well as my other close friends I turn to for advice, and to my mom who I call crying when I'm down on my luck and just need some good mommy time). It's all a learning process as well. We learn from experiences and try to deal with future situations in a different manner. And I plan to take my experiences from dating and even other situations where I find myself at my wit's end, and hopefully learn from them. Also, I try to tell myself, "Things could've been a lot worse" because they truly could have.

I'm cynical - I don't believe in things right away, sometimes I need concrete evidence that something legitimately works. Sometimes I dig. I dig too deep and that oftentimes only creates problems that were never there in the first place. I freak myself out, I question things that I've done, and I worry. For no reason. So I'm going to stop digging. Taking things at face value is how I am going to attempt to think. Keyword: attempt. So give me a while if I'm texting you or calling you for advice when I'm left utterly dumbfounded about something.

Lastly, for the sake of rambling on (but I do have many other resolutions/habits to work on), being more optimistic is on my list. I consider myself a realist, not a pessimist despite the opinion of my close biddies. I think of pros and cons, definitely putting the cons into more consideration. This stems from that whole "Why Me?!" psyche that I'm attempting to ween off of.  Looking on the bright side isn't bad. If things don't turn out my way, there's still at least something there that made things okay. And if they weren't, then the next day will be a little brighter. Just like Bruce Springsteen sang, "Have a little faith, there's magic in the night." :)