Grieving process.

I think I left a lot of my personal life out of this blog earlier this summer. Okay, not so much of my personal life, but my dating life. Mainly because I think the subject matter would probably make me look like a depressed fuck. I've confided in my friends, my mother, and even my boss on the matter. You know how grieving processes work - you have to communicate your feelings to those who'll listen; let it out, maybe even cry a little bit a lot. And in some cases, including my own, maybe even act a little reckless to the point where you don't know who you are anymore. You'll do whatever you can, anything you can, to distract yourself from that feeling of sadness, loneliness, confusion.

Dating in your twenties sucks. It really does. And I think Ryan O'Connell has hit the nail on the head with one of his recent TC posts: Understanding The Strange Dating Habits of Twentysomethings

What was also funny is that my best friend posted this article on my Facebook wall. "Interesting..." she noted. And indeed it was because it was a spitting image of what happened to me almost two months ago.

Referencing the article above, I experienced what O'Connell calls "The Two Week Relationship." In his words, "It’s when you date someone from anywhere to two weeks to a month and then decide to drop off the face of the planet. You go from being in constant communication (G-Chatting while at work, texting, dinner dates followed by an amazing make out session and maybe even sex) to being gone, baby, gone."*
*just to note, my own experience never got to the sex part and embarrassingly enough, nor to the make out session part either :(

I was seeing someone in early June for about...two weeks. We went on dates hung out 5 times. I never brought up the question, "Soo...what is this? This thing that we're doing?" although I wanted to ask. I liked the idea of dating and that's what it seemed like to me. But you never know.

Considering I have the patience the size of a pea about things of this matter (relationships), I tend to fall a bit too fast, a little hard, and end up hurting myself in the long run. Not physically hurting myself, although there are those times where I just want to run into traffic, jump out of window, or get shot in the abdomen by some hunter who mistook me for a deer. But just the sole fact, that I give too much, care too much, and never ask for that in return. And oftentimes, this leads to my getting burned.

What's so funny while I ramble on to a point I barely got to yet, was that when I was dating seeing this person who we'll name...Stretch, I felt compelled to blog about how great I was feeling at the time here. And what do you know, I was right - that happiness didn't last too long after that. The rug was in fact pulled underneath of me...

The last time I hung out with Stretch was also the last time I could consider us dating. The topic of us dating wasn't brought up at all until that night. I went to a documentary with Tor and Andrew and met up with Stretch afterwards. We sat and chatted on a stoop, went up to the rooftop then went for a walk. On said walk Stretch said, "So I was with my friend and I said, "Oh, well I'm kind of dating someone..." In my somewhat sobering drunken stupor (thanks to the open bar Tor and I took advantage of before the premiere), I GENUINELY asked, "Oh, who?" "YOU!" Stretch said.

Yeah...so just to clarify this for those reading as I did to all of my support system while they dealt with me through my grieving process: I DID NOT BRING IT UP. I DID NOT ESTABLISH THAT WE WERE DATING, STRETCH DID.

Stretch became a little embarrassed but rest assured I said, "Well, no, it's okay. I was wondering the same thing too..."

"I'm not seeing anyone else and yeah, I consider us dating," Stretch said. And when we said our goodbyes, Stretch added, "And sorry if I'm shy and bashful, I just like to take things slow."

Within 24 hours is when things were getting a little stretchy sketchy. I made plans to meet up with Stretch the next night - I was going to the city with a friend and asked if Stretch wanted to come along. "Yeah!" via BBM. Later on that night, I gave Stretch some deets of where we'd be. Stretch read my bbms and did not respond. I did not ask any questions despite I was upset because seriously, who doesn't like it when you know people read your shit and don't say anything when there is certainly room to respond in some cases? #Seriously!

Around 12:30am, I asked "Is everything okay?" And finally I got a, "No {insert BBM sad face} bad night." I didn't ask any questions and just said "I'm sorry try to get some sleep." Sunday rolls around and I'm still confused. That afternoon I BBMED Stretch to get dinner sometime that week. "Yes!!" was the answer. We chatted but something felt...off. I said something along the lines of let me know what day is best for you between Monday and Thursday. Stretch's response: "Yeah. Okay perfect. This day is so weird. Life is so weird. My friend came over and we drank and now I feel sicker than before. Like dehydrated death spins."

That wasn't at all important but I didn't hear from Stretch at all on Monday when in fact just the week before, Stretch would be texting me throughout the day all the time. I finally BBMed Stretch that night, "So would you still wanna do dinner this week?" "I'm leaving on a job after tomorrow," Stretch said. "Oh nice. Where are you off to?" "Kentucky for an amazon.com ad." "Congrats. Well I know this may be too soon to ask but when you get would you maybe wanna regroup?"

Stretch read it. And did not respond.

I know that right now I'm making myself seem like the BIGGEST idiot; a huge dating faux-pa on my end. I can feel people reading this getting that "Aww, Jules, honey. Bad call" look on their faces. I know I shouldn't have asked it but it was all in desperation and fear and anxiousness. All feelings I now know are normal when you're dating someone because dating is a scary thing and it's very hard.

I panicked, had the worst night sleeping and proceeded to work out in the fitness center of my office only to stop thirty minutes in and call my mother crying. I hit a new low, a low I haven't experienced since that one time my 3rd grade through 6th grade crush, Adam, made out with one of my friends...right in front of me. And everyone knew I crushed on him hard. Like our-names-in-a-big-heart-on-my-notebook kind of crush :\

I sound so pathetic. I feel a little pathetic. But as I've been told, this is normal. And I'm hoping those people who said that to me aren't just saying it instead of saying, "GET THE FUH OVER IT!" Because I sure as hell am trying. And unlike them, I'm not in a relationship - a majority of my friends are in committed, happy, sappy, feeling good relationships. Something I'd like to experience like you know, sometime soon considering I've been single all. my. life. Again, my patience is the size of a pea.

O'Connell added that it's so hard to date because of technology. The fact that we utilize it and communicate through it so much, the minute we stop receiving those regular texts/messages/likes on Facebook, we die. It takes the fun and excitement of dating out of our routine. Because it once was part of our routine. And now that it's not there - that happy, excited, scared, feeling - we feel like we're nothing; as if a huge part of our enjoyment was taken away from us for a confusing, unknown reason. Technology does in fact, make it so much easier to just drop someone altogether. No explanations. No goodbyes. Just a subconscious "Fuck you, I'm over it." And onto the next person they meet.

Part of me figured dating Stretch long term was too good to be true. How could I, land dating someone who was pretty frickin' attractive? I know that I'm an attractive young woman. I'm smart and all that jazz and have the capability of making a ferocious sabre-toothed tiger laugh. But looks aren't everything. I genuinely enjoyed Stretch's company. I really did. And now even that is not the same. Although we do talk here and there (something I'll have to talk about another time since I rambled on for so long already), I know Stretch has moved on. It was very easy to do so. Stretch is happy, and great-looking, and all that shit and is in a new relationship. A relationship that started right after me. So yeah, I think you can see why I'm still a little bitter. Part deux soon.