My cheeks are sunburnt. I'm wearing a bright orange shirt but it's still pretty clear that my cheeks were victim to heavy sun ray-age. I didn't put on sunscreen so it's my own fault. This is my way of getting some "color."
We had our second weekend of races for the spring season. And I'm still feeling the same way I felt last weekend. And the week before that. And the week before that. And probably after spring break.
What's the point?
Clearly there's no point of me racing when there are some obvious factors looking me straight in the face:
1) The freshmen are faster than me.
2) Our head coach only pays attention to the fastest athletes on the team.
3) A majority of the crew I rowed with for more than a year have quit. I am left with a sole member of the varsity crew team and my best friend coxswain, Tor.
4) Novice rowers, despite their raw talent and brolic abilities still lack that technique and connection a boat must finesse in order to properly get down the course with style and grace.
5) Again, the novice rowers are very strong, stronger than me. But as Tor put it, "those other crews have been rowing together for three years, maybe four. You guys haven't been rowing together for that long."
And she's absolutely right...
SO WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU PUT A VARSITY 8 BOAT IN A RACE WITH OTHER VARSITY 8 BOATS WHEN OUR "VARSITY 8" ONLY HAS TWO VARSITY ROWERS AND A VARSITY COXSWAIN IN THE BOAT WITH THE REST BEING MADE UP OF NOVICE?!
We got last...again. We got last place last weekend and we got last today. We were a whole minute behind the second slowest crew. I'm frustrated to say the least. My senior year and final year of rowing...this isn't what I envisioned as a successful ending to my rowing career. Although, I love the novice and have grown to establish amazing friendships with a few, I can't help but feel discouraged and upset...especially when the novice can successfully compete in their novice races but can't seem to hold off varsity crews who walk past us with every stroke going down a course.
I feel humiliated to be honest. And I feel bad saying that but I feel like it's a waste of time and energy if all we're gonna do is row down a course just to get last. Not even competing neck and neck with another crew. It would have been different to lose with a boat full of girls I've rowed with for many years...because maybe at this point, we would have fixed all the kinks and learned to row as one boat, which sometimes can take more than a few months of rowing together.
I'm at a loss and with only two races left of my rowing career, I don't even know if it's worth it.
Of course I'll finish out the season but it won't be the way I wanted. And I know I can't say I haven't had fun with the novice because they do entertain me and amaze me with all of their effort. But it's simply not the same. "Just have fun since it's your last year" is what my mom says to me. She knows I get discouraged because I'm the ONLY SENIOR FEMALE ROWER left on the team. I don't think it's wrong of me to feel abandoned by the rest of the fellow varsity rowers but that's their own choice. They knew they couldn't fully commit to crew on top of their busy schedules and I can't blame them. I guess the reason why I stayed because I didn't know how to give up on the team. And I grew to love the sport and thought "If I quit then I'm going to regret it." But I'll never know that.
I cried in the van ride back to school. I even had upbeat music on to try to distract the tears from erupting out of my tear ducts but that didn't even work. Luckily, everyone was sleeping so I was able to sob quietly and wipe my tears before anyone could wake up and notice. What sucked was that I couldn't stop tearing up. They came and went. Then came again. And again. And before we crossed the George Washington Bridge. And then they really started sobbing just a little bit ago. The last straw on the camel's back? Definitely.
But this seems to be another one of those instances where I get the short end of the stick or in this case, the oar. My life is that rinky dink car trying to get over that hill but only goes backwards.
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