Oh, wow it's really nice in here. Oh, cool! Magazines. Blah, blah, blah, ugh what the hell I just want my massage. Nah, I don't want anything to drink I'm okay. Haha this masseuse has an accent and a lot of makeup on. Her face is spotless. Wow. Umm is she gonna like let me strip in privacy? Go away now, leave me be while I get nekkedddd for this blissful experience. Oooh this bed thing is pretty cushy. I can't really breathe properly with my face in this hole. Hahaha "in this hole." So foul. Oh, here she comes. Yep, I'm ready, lather me up in oil. I hope your hands aren't cold. Oh, that feels nice. Mmm. Okay, you can go a little harder - I like it rough. No really, I do. What the hell? Swedish massage? Yeah, whatever, that's fine I just want you to really massage the shit out of my used up body. My body is aching and my muscles are sore. It's been a while since I got a massage. I do a lot of yoga and I run too. I'm fucking sore, bitch! Hurt me! Ugh, I need to go back to Bali. This massage oil smells like shit. But she smells kinda good. I wonder what she's wearing.
K, your hands are getting a liiiiiittle too close to my nether region. Whoahhh. Oh, I'm supposed to flip over. Okay. Shit. Don't looooookie. Ugh. Huff. Goodness I'm tired from turning onto my back. Ps: I'm hungry. Wow I didn't notice the decor of this room. But like can we put at least a dimmed light? It's kinda dark in here - that makes me feel sketched out. Am I gonna die? The ceiling is clean. Oh, that's nice wall decor! Wow that mirror is funky looking. Eww, I feel weird turned on my back. Don't make eye contact. Eh, I can feel her eyes on me. Just keeping looking at the ceiling. I'm getting so fucking tired. I wanna close my eyes but that feels weird. I can see up her nose. Lemme just stare at this one corner of the ceiling. Oh, other side okay cool. Good, because this is getting awkward. Hmm what should I do after? I definitely don't wanna stay around New Gross. It's kinda nice out maybe I can go to the city? Hmm Williamsburg on a Saturday afternoon, that sounds promising. I should do more yoga. Oh! Tummy rumbles. Hungah pains. Games. Shames. Lames. Cranes. Trains. Plains. Planes. Plantains...Oh, are we done? Oh, right the facial. Got it. Okay, no I'm fine I'm not thirsty. I'm hungry. Where the fuck are some lotus spa flowery foods? Can I at least get a mint?! Some bee pollen?! That's healthy right? Nice, some silence. Mmm I can close my eyes while she's gone.
Oh, you're back. Ugh great. I'm kinda nervous about this facial thing. I've never gotten one and I don't want you scraping my face off or burning my skin with acidic solutions that melt my pretty face away. Ok, well I do use moisturizer everyday after I shower. Oh, oily huh? Hmm, yeah I don't use a toner. Yeah, I don't use a scrub either. Nope, just soap and water but it's that cool acne/blemish fighting soap by Aveeno. It dries my skin out. Oh...yeah, well I don't have money for that kind of regimen. Okay, thanks for the advice. I'm still gonna use my moisturizer. Okay, so you're gonna mummy-wrap my face first? Interesting. Umm it's tough to breathe but no worries. Beauty is pain right? This steam is making it really hard to breathe. Why is my back kind of sweaty? Great, I'm in a cold sweat right now. Perfect. No cucumbers? Dammit, so it's not gonna be like it is in the movies. Then what the hell am I paying for? Ten minutes?! Ten minutes with this steam shit and mummy mask on? Oh, c'mon I'm hungry! Fine, go leave the room. I don't need this. I wonder how Marykate is enjoying her spa thing. I bet her spa lady gave her treats. What a bitch. My butt itches. Huff, much better.
Oh, thank Godddd you're back, I'm getting antsy and claustrophobic in this mask thing. Wow, my face feels rejuvenated already. Is it still on? How do I look? Hmm this is creamy and lotioney. Oh, this is nice...ah! a little cold. Yeah, you rub that shit into my face. Oh, umm what is that? What are you doing to my face? No, seriously what the fuck are you rubbing on my face?! It's like a mini-metal detector you keep rubbing over my skin. Ouch! It zaps! Are you hunting for gold or something? Not on this beach, bitch. Stop that. It actually felt kinda cool. Okay, do it again! Ohhh, now this is scrubby and rough. Nice, I'm assuming it's a scrub. Try not to scrub my tan off. I tan really well during the summer. You're so gentle when you wipe that shit off. I just wanna keep moving my face. It felt trapped for a while.
Ohh, you call it extracting blackheads. Ha. More like poppin' zits to me! Yeah, my nose is a problem area. Ouch. Umm okay, Jesus that kinda hurts. Now, you're just trying to pop baby ones that haven't hatched yet. Okay, seriously is this almost over? I wanna go home and eat something. Oh, you found the mother ship. Yeah, that shit ain't gonna stop. Streaming white head right there. That one I don't bother touching anymore, it just won't go away. Wowwww, I can already feel myself bruising. Jesus, why won't it stop?! Did you get it all? Okay, good. Oh, great another cream. This one smells better than that other shit. Hoofta. Mmm, make sure to get under my chin. Yup, you got it! Yeah, thank you thank you thank you. No go away and let me meditate slash put my clothes back on.
Mmmmm I love a nice stretch. I feel good! Where the hell did she put my clothes? Oh, there they are. It's chilly in here. This mirror has like forty hundred baby mirrors in it. How the hell can I see my new face? Oh, there it is. Yeah, she definitely is gonna leave a bruise after killing the mother ship on the side of my face. Definitely need cover up. Oh, she's texting hahaha. Losah. Thanks so much! Oh, yeah I'll take your card. I don't plan on ever coming back though if I have to pay full price. This was a Groupon gig I hope you know that. Yeah, sorry.
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