Running for Cover

I feel as if you can love me for an hour and leave shortly after. You can tell me how you feel but when I want to know you more you won't let me. You won't share if I ask and only will under the guise of a sleepless night or a worry of your own. I'm the one telling you not to worry even though my heart has its own pain to mend. I'll tell you I'm hesitant but won't admit that I'm scared. I haven't cried on my pillow so hard in a while. This is just a hiccup on a long road to heal.


Running for Cover - Ivan & Aloysha

We've been trying with each other to unravelly age your own story
But I'm starting to think that there's a reason we don't understand
And it's easy to blame someone else for my wants and my worries
But I know, I accept that it's just a part of who I am.

Now we're running for cover
Running to hide
And you say it's not my problem
I decide out of mind.

Yes, we're running for cover
Yeah, we're running afraid
As we run with one another
Of the mess that we've made.

Talk to me when you're ready to move forward (with me) and not hide from me <3 

It's okay.

I learned a really important piece advice when I went home for Christmas a few months ago. I went to visit my friend from high school. She lives in one of those recovery houses with a few other young girls battling different kinds of addictions. She's doing really well so far and despite a few hiccups along the way, I know she's on her way back to the straight and narrow.

One of my friend's roommates was talking and said something that has stuck with me ever since then...

"When you're at your bottom, there comes a point in time where you just stop digging."

I literally got goosebumps when I heard her say that. I felt as if I was digging for something for pretty much a year. I was digging for truth, for assurance, for hope, for an answer why, for pretty much anything to help me wrap my mind around why certain things have happened last year. Were they coincidences? Was I being messed with? Who is this? Where are you? Why are you doing this to me? Will we be okay? When can I see you? What are you afraid of?

You gave me answers but sometimes I still felt confused. I knew if I pushed you to the edge for understanding you'd get upset with me, you'd get frustrated. I always worried and that put you off. When we have the least control over something we try our hardest to figure it out. And some people have the tendency to give up; to say "fuck this" and move on. However, since I'm of the persistent type, I kept going. I kept digging.

And when I heard the quote above I couldn't stop thinking about it. What was I doing wrong? I kept digging myself deeper into a hole of confusion and sadness; a hole to the unknown. I could get hurt or I could get what I always wanted where the digging would be all worth it.

But as the new year approached, I put down the shovel and stopped digging. And to stop after all the work I've done, the patience, the praying, the crying, the longing, was something very new to me. I felt as if I was now letting the unknown happen. To say I gave up on you is not valid because I didn't. In a sense, you let me go. And although it was extremely painful to accept from someone like you, I had to do it for both our sakes. I felt that if fate allowed it, it would happen and I couldn't force you to love me the way I wanted you to. You had things to deal with, fears to battle and a life of your own to improve and make better. I had to do the same because although I thought I spent the year bettering myself, I was simply putting it off and worrying about you instead. Because investing time into worrying whether I'll be able to move forward with you the way I wanted it to happen, the way we planned for it to happen, the way you told me if would happen, was more important than accepting failure and defeat.

Of course there were tears even after the shovel was put down. But in order to even fathom a life with or without you in the future, I had to dig myself out of the hole. This was my year to start over, work on myself and the things I wanted to accomplish for me. I had to do this in order to not only be a better version of me but to hopefully come back to you, at a better time, and start over. That's if you wanted that as well...

There were times and still are times where I think maybe you won't miss me. Maybe you'll forget about me and move on and be able to give someone else what I wanted, what I yearned for. Eventually your feelings for me will dissipate. Thoughts of you being with other people crushed me but I conditioned myself to understand and accept those possibilities.

Of course seeing someone we love love someone else is something very painful and hard to accept. But rather than being angry with you for everything that you've done to me, I was learning to accept that pain, learn from it, grow from it, and know that in the future my life will no longer be filled with this sadness.

I'm not angry, or bitter, or resentful for everything that happened. Some people think I should be, but why should I waste my time constantly being angry at you when I know I'm better than that? You may think you deserve this; that you deserve to be hated by me. But I won't waste my sadness on the past. I can't expect to move forward if I do. I care about you deeply and I pray for you regularly despite what you may think.

Although I'm still curious about some things and I hope for some things to happen, I have to let that come naturally. Again, I never gave up on you and writing you off is something that I won't do even if I did that in previous relationships. I want us both to better our lives and love ourselves first. And I think when we do that and hopefully come back to each other it'll be a beautiful thing. It's okay what happened last year. It's okay if you hurt me. It's okay if you made me cry. We all have to learn from all sorts of pain and when we can accept that, we can learn to grow. I'll think of you even when your eyes don't twitch, and I want us to get out of these holes together. And I have a feeling that we will.

"I pray that you find piece of mind, and I'll find you another time. I'll love you another time." - Ellie Goulding.

"Everything comes full circle for you in 2013"

WARNING: PLEASE PLAY THIS SONG FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT BEFORE READING:

The image below is also one of those examples where you say to yourself, "Really? Really."

I thought for a bit before I responded. I didn't really know what to think at first. So after sleeping on it, still confused about why she texted me, this song came to mind...

I Love It - Icona Pop

Ellie Goulding's "Halcyon"

hal-cy-on
adjective: denoting a period of time in the past that was idyllically happy and peaceful.
noun: a tropical Asian and African kingfisher (genus Halcyon) with brightly colored plumage.

Thanks, Google but I don't think Ellie was singing about pretty birds.

The album is #boss. It pretty much is the musical sauce I would totally slap onto some finger-licking ribs that would morph into a magical xylophone I could play when I'm feeling down. What?

The album speaks volumes in the span of 46 minutes and the listener can and will encounter numerous emotions, preferably those related to love, when listening to it. I actually really enjoy when artists of any kind turn a traumatic or sad time in their lives into something very creative whether it be art, music, film, etc. Therapy at it's finest. Liz Colville calls it, "a breakup album for the ages."

Aside from "Lights", which is really catchy, I kinda sorta knew who she was from work she's done with Tinie Tempah and Skrillex. The album came out in October 2012 and I remember I downloaded some of the tunes shortly after it released.  I remember when I heard "My Blood" for the first time, not only did I immediately relate to it but I also put it on my running playlist. It's actually a very magical experience when you're running and this song comes on. It strangely acts as a musical motivator when you're sweaty and exhausted and all you wanna do is stop and Ellie is singing, "And God knows I'm not dying but I bleed now / And God knows it's the only way to heal now / With all the blood I lost with you / It drowns the love I thought I knew" and you get this second wind thinking, "I can totally run more! Screw you, [insert name of whoever this song reminds you of]! I am woman here me roar!"

I remember talking to my friend Katie about the album..."It makes the hurt not hurt so bad," I told her. And it's true. In an interview Goulding had with The Sun, she says the album is "a journey from dark to light," considering it was released a year after her breakup with Radio 1 DJ Greg James.

AND SINCE PLENTY OF TWENTYSOMETHING FEMALES GO THROUGH THAT WTF PERIOD OF THEIR LIVES - CASE IN POINT THIS BUZZFEED ARTICLE THAT HAS BEEN SHOWN TO ME BY 3 OF MY FRIENDS IN THE SPAN OF 24 HOURS - I THINK THE ALBUM SAYS A LOT THAT ONE CAN RELATE TO.

Goulding has this way of making a song sound synth-folk-pop-electronic but in a good way. Her lyrics are powerful and personal. As if you're traveling through a dark period and waiting to find that light at the end of the tunnel. I downloaded more of the tunes recently and I feel like a vanilla-scented unicorn with a fresh mane ready to run through rainbow colored grass. Internally at least. All in all, it's so good and it can get you through the tough stuff!

This is one of the favorite songs and the music video is beautiful...
Explosions - Ellie Goulding

There are only so many words I can use to describe this album. But the only one coming to mind right now is helpful. So thanks, Ellie.

By the by: Totally mentioned this to someone before but if I'm going to have a little girl when I'm older, I want her name to be Ellie. AND THIS WAS WAYYY BEFORE I EVEN HEARD OF E. GOULDING!

So if you're feeling like love can just fuck-all, especially with Valentine's Day coming up, listen to Halcyon. It'll literally make you feel ten times better.

Self-explanatory?

Ellie Goulding posted this on her Instagram. I thought it was funny. Very to the point and kind of goes with #tbt...

By the by...I posted this using the Blogger app on mah phaone. Hollahhh geekin' out at my desk. But yeah, do this is you want to. Happy Thursday, slugs.

A Capellahhhhhhhhh!!

Tonight. Fo reals. At Rutgers. We out.

Pitch Perfect - The Riff Off

Same Love

And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to

My love, my love, my love

She keeps me warm...


Same Love - Macklemore & Ryan Lewis (feat. Mary Lambert)

Love is patient
Love is kind...

Not crying on Sundays.

I Am Not Alone

I am not alone because Charlotte Green doesn't get over things quickly either. Even if her relationship ended after a few short weeks, she still feels the same sadness that anyone would feel when something ends and she didn't want it to. And she's okay with the fact that she lets herself feel that sadness even if the person who let her go is moving on with his life without any qualms in the world. To Green, "sometimes things end and it’s horrible and there is nothing that can be said which makes it suddenly less painful. Even if you’re young." Like many other young people, we have so many things to look forward to. We know that. But I don't need you to remind me of those things. I know you believe in fate and that everything happens for a reason but I highly doubt you'll bump into me like Channing Tatum ran into Rachel McAdams at the end of The Vow. I'll be surprised if we do...

"I’m sorry if you think that I should be doing other things, enjoying my youth, counting my blessings, and seeing other people. I don’t need to hear your motivational poster quotes about all of the wonderful things I still have to look forward to in life, or that we ended for a reason. I don’t need to hear about fate. I don’t need to hear anything." -- Charlotte Green

I know that right now I'm not where I want to be. I'm not my full self just yet. But I'm getting there. I am slowly getting there. I'm going to laugh more, and smile more, and be thankful more even if I don't mean nothing to you these days. This may not even be hard for you. This is something you can easily walk away from and wash your hands clean of. As Green put it, "As much as it pains me to admit, you likely don’t think about me." But in no way do I blame you. Like you and everyone else says, everything happens for a reason.

I am not alone because Chelsea Fagan knows what's it like to be the person who loves more. We both know what happens when you're the one who loves more - we begin to love ourselves less. We only see ourselves worthy of the amount of love the other person has for us. And we take that for what it is because to Chelsea (and I), "Even if being loved by them comes with a thousand asterisks, or is accompanied by put-downs or bouts of complete apathy, it is better than not being loved at all." Receiving admiration from the one who loves you less becomes the only thing that matters to you; the only key to your happiness when it shouldn't be...

"Suddenly, approval and affection from your partner become the only kind of currency that matter to you — the only thing capable of convincing you that you are good and worth loving. Because so much of you has been invested in convincing them that you deserve them, if they don’t recognize it, it can feel that no one ever will." -- Chelsea Fagan

I know eventually I'll mean a lot to somebody. Because I am who I am and I know you always said I shouldn't be anyone but myself. There were things that you loved about me just as there were things I did that irritated you. And I'm sorry for that. As Fagan said, "I am the kind of girl who will fight sometimes for no reason, who will create arguments out of thin air because she is frustrated and sometimes takes it out on the people who deserve it least but will stand for it most. I will know that what I am doing is wrong in the moment — that a label of “psycho” being flung at me will be as stinging as it is accurate — but be unable to stop myself [...] I love things at top volume, at their most difficult, at their most needlessly complex." And I did just that.

I'm not alone because Madison Moore knows what it's like to be with someone one minute and the next minute things are completely different. What happened? Moore asks, "Why do you act like a boyfriend but then disappear completely, emotionally and physically, moments after you just told me how much you miss me?" I know that people are constantly dealing with themselves and other priorities "but no matter how busy we get, there’s always time if we make it." There's a bond you create with someone you really like. You consistently work to make that bond last; make it stronger than the day before...

"Yes, I’ve probably made a fool of myself trying to tell you how I feel, but whatever. When you really like someone you take those risks. When you like someone you’re there for them, you tell them how you feel, you make time for them no matter what else you’re doing. If you’re not, then that person is not so important to you after all." -- Madison Moore

Even after I tell you all these things, nothing changes. I've waited on the other end to hear if you have anything to say but nothing comes out. I realize now that you were right, I never let you just say those things to me when you wanted to. I needed this extra reassurance from you so as to not make myself look like a complete idiot. But in the long run, I spilled the beans one too many times, leaving my heart heavier than it should be and not all that confident in how I wanted things to be between us.

I am not alone because Nico Lang simply says just that. No one ever is. He grew up reading books and befriending characters in novels. I grew up an only child with an imagination the size of the state of Texas. As I got older and other girls started dating and experiencing the pangs of teenage love, I was dreaming of what that would feel like all at the same time questioning why it's so hard for me and not the other girls. Lang referred to the film Sixteen Candles (one of my favorites) when Sam talks to her dad about her struggles to find love. Her dad mentions how things like that always came easy to Sam's older sister, which is why she never took the time to appreciate them. "When you have to fight for the things that you want, you’re less likely to take them for granted"...

"Eventually, lonely kids grow up into lonely adults, which sounds terrible (especially if you’re Sylvia Plath), but loneliness has a way of shaping your heart and making you who you are. You’re the person who cares so much about people that they’re willing to drive their friends a little crazy and the person who obsessively worries about their family and checks in on them, even when you know they’re probably fine. You just want to be sure. You’re the person who moons over their first kiss and writes about it endlessly in their journal, who learns to pine, yearn and strive for more — because you know what it is to lack." -- Nico Lang

I still forget to breathe sometimes and sweating the small stuff almost feels like second nature to me. You and my mom have always told me to just relax. Don't worry (I know you're not), I have been learning to chill the fuh out. But I still do that thing under my desk at the office where I shake my leg while I work. I still find myself wondering how you're doing and if you're thinking about me at all but then I just sigh and ask God to take care of everything. You included. And I get back to what I'm doing (like writing in my blog lol).

I am not alone because David Cain was dissatisfied with his life and loving himself was a desperate struggle. "I didn’t feel like I could get anywhere until I loved myself, and I didn’t feel like I could love myself until I got somewhere." Self-love is probably one of the most difficult types of love to really excel at. It's a day-by-day sort of love just like other important relationships involving this very emotional feeling...

"Self-love is not how you feel about yourself. It’s what you do for yourself. You can only love yourself by doing, not thinking. Execute feats of love, feats of respect, for your own benefit [...] Love is picking up the dumbells the moment you start making excuses. Love is doing your scariest task first thing in the morning [...] There is a choice in every moment, between acting out of love, or out of fear. At any instant, you can stop and look at the moment, and it is clear which action is which. You will make a habit out of choosing one or the other. You won’t be able to have respect if you do not make a habit of recognizing value. There is value in every person, object, place and moment, but you may miss it if you hold faults to be more important." -- David Cain

I told you in a letter a long time ago that I'm struggling to take care of myself and how I consider myself a temple of sorts. I struggle because of trust, because I've been burned before one too many times. But haven't we all? As much as I want my old self to return and remind you of that hurt and how you made me feel, I can't do that. It won't serve any purpose to you or me if I remind you of things you already know. Maybe you already forgot about them. I have no control over what you do with your life or how you feel. And I won't let you do the same to me because you don't care about me. At least not right now, maybe not ever. You may not have the time to. We're all trying to survive and there's no reason for me to rely on you to save me. I'm taking each day as an added step forward to respect myself, to value myself and to love myself before I can find the courage to do that for someone else. And I hope you do too.   

And since it's on the news constantly these days, a concept that is not at all new and has been going on for years, Manti Te'o is not alone because it happened to Nev Schulman.

Closer

All I want to get is a little bit closer. All I want to know is, can you come a little closer?


Closer - Tegan & Sara

Sweet Nothing

This song has been out for a while but I still love it. Florence and Calvin together make wonderful eargasms.The lyrics are amaze balls and below...


Sweet Nothing (featuring Florence Welch) - Calvin Harris

You took my heart and you held it in your mouth
And, with the word all my love came rushing out
And, every whisper, it's the worst,
Emptied out by a single word
There is a hollow in me now

So I put my faith in something unknown
I'm living on such sweet nothing
But I'm tired of hope with nothing to hold
I'm living on such sweet nothing
And it's hard to learn
And it's hard to love
When you're giving me such sweet nothing
Sweet nothing, sweet nothing
You're giving me such sweet nothing

It isn't easy for me to let it go
Cause I swallow every single word
And every whisper, every sigh
Eats away this heart of mine
And there is a hollow in me now

So I put my faith in something unknown
I'm living on such sweet nothing
But I'm tired of hope with nothing to hold
I'm living on such sweet nothing
And it's hard to learn
And it's hard to love
When you're giving me such sweet nothing
Sweet nothing, sweet nothing
You're giving me such sweet nothing

And it's not enough
To tell me that you care
When, we both know the words are empty air
You give me nothing

Sweet nothing...

I broke up with my therapist

This past Tuesday was when I broke up with my therapist. This is actually the only time I've ever broken up with anyone. Except that one time in sixth grade when I dated a kid named Joey. But that doesn't count because I got my friend Alex to break up with him for me. No, this was not a romantic relationship I had with my therapist (EWWW). But I made the decision to no longer continue seeing her after realizing that it wasn't a right fit for me. The things I was looking for in a therapist were not being fulfilled and although I was making strides, I was not moving as fast as I thought I should be nor did I feel like my therapist really wanted to help me.

I've been going to therapy since I was a freshmen in college. I decided to seek mental therapy to help me cope with feelings I struggled to deal with and to better deal with the stresses of every day life. Some people may think going to therapy is somewhat embarrassing but I am actually a huge advocate for mental health assistance. But psychology not psychiatry. Other people may not need therapy and are able to cope and deal with their feelings on their own. I am not one of them. By going to therapy, to me, I am understanding who I am and why I do certain things, why I struggle with other things, and how I can better deal with issues when stress hits me. It's like fucking yoga for my brain I guess.

After seeing many different therapists over the years, I am able to figure out what I want from a therapist so I don't find myself in an awkward place when I'm in a therapy session. The first therapist I ever had was obviously an awkward situation for me because I never had been to therapy. She was an extern doing work on my college campus. I remember she would have these long pauses and I would feel extremely uncomfortable when this would happen. I would fidget with my hands and look at any possible thing in the room other than her face when this would happen. I remember I told the next therapist I had the following year that awkward silences like those were something that kind of made me feel...awkward. This one was tiny. She was like so little and frail and I remember reading something about her on the college website's Counseling Center page that she was an extern from Yeshiva University in the city. Mazel! She definitely helped me make strides with feelings I was struggling to deal with.

Junior year I had my favorite therapist. She was very soft-spoken and was one of the head honchos of the Counseling Center on campus. For being soft-spoken she was also a big mental cheerleader that helped me through the every day stresses of being a college student. I continued seeing her when I came back from studying abroad in Australia*. Throughout my senior year of college I developed a bond with her since she was the only therapist to date who I saw on a regular basis for almost two years. Unfortunately, graduating left me to find counseling off school premises so she could no longer advise me on life's daily struggles. I'll never forget her. 
*In Australia, I had a male therapist. He was a character. He sorta helped me when I was down under. He even did these mental exercises using a white board and markers and had me draw circles and arrows among people in my social circle. It was weird but kinda cool! I remember seeing him once a week up until the last month and a half of being abroad. I don't quite remember what he said but whatever it was it made me feel patronized. I was offended (and I'm pissed because I can't remember what he fucking said that made me so mad). But after that day I said I would schedule my next appointment at the front office and never came back.

I took a hiatus from therapy until the end of August 2012. My mind was going in circles and the more circles my mind went in, I started forgetting who I was and my brain was getting nauseous. This was a very trying time for me and I literally had no idea how to start going to therapy again. Although there have been about 2 or 3 sessions where I began to feel like I was understanding myself more, I wasn't getting the support I wanted. I kind of felt like I was being judged by her in a way. And when I felt like that, I wasn't truly opening up to her and to me, that is a sign that this relationship wasn't a right fit. Why am I even going to therapy if I'm afraid my therapist would judge me? The things we talked about were things I talked to my girlfriends about. But my reason for going to a therapist were to get an objective view on the situation. Even though my therapist wanted to defend me and "help" me with my problems, I felt like she wanted me to move on. "Get on with your life!" she would say sometimes. Although she was absolutely right, there are some situations where things like that take time. She wasn't walking with me on this journey. She was trying to drag me through it. Looking at her watch and at the clock on the wall didn't make me feel like she wanted to help. Holding in yawns and rolling her eyes didn't help either (although, I wanna say she had a lazy eye. No, still, she shouldn't have rolled her eyes).

I know I have to move on with my life. I just have to. But her approach to helping me was not really a vocal one. She listened to me vent but had very little to say about it. So what now? What do I do now that I told you all of this stuff that happened since the last time I saw you? I'm paying almost $200 a month for you to help me and I'm leaving your office feeling like my money is not going toward a better me.

Although I left her office knowing I was able to let out a lot of stress and pent up emotion, that was basically all I felt - less filled up but not whole a lot lighter. I still carried my stresses with me after our sessions. And had no idea what to do with them. So two days ago as I wrote her a check for my last session with her, I told her that I would give her a call when I want to meet again. But for right now, I wanted to "mellow out and figure things out on my own." She took it just fine.

In retrospect, this has shown me what I do want in my next therapist when I look for someone to help me. I know what to vocalize and seek and hopefully knowing what I want now will help me find that in the future. Maybe trying to be my own therapist for a few weeks will help me understand me more. One thing I've been telling a lot of people is that 2013 is my year. I told her that on my way out and her last words to me were, "Make it happen." And I think I will.

Childlike Wonder

Source: Buzzfeed - 24 Signs You Went To Catholic School

Leaving.

Last week one night I was on the phone with my mom until 2am. She's retired so she didn't have to worry about getting up for work. Lucky for me, casual Fridays allow me to not try so hard so I didn't mind going to bed that late. And it's my mom - when do I ever talk to her that late? Exactly.

She was telling me stories about her and her brother Eddie, my uncle who passed away almost two weeks ago in California. The coroner said he died of a heart attack. It was pretty sudden, considering he rode his bike the morning he died, and even went for a walk that afternoon.

The last time I saw him was seven years ago when I went to see my family in the Philippines. Uncle Eddie lived in Stockton with my mom's other siblings but he was in the Philippines building his house and wanted us to come check it out. I remember him looking really proud of what he was building. He usually smiled most of the time; he didn't talk much and was very timid. My mom said he just grew up like that - always quiet.

She told me other stories that I didn't know about. About how she put one of my grandmother's helpers (she wasn't necessarily a housekeeper) through high school. About how she helped take care of my older cousin Michael when he was 6. About how she helped her dad get his Visa so he could visit my grandmother in America, and how he died the night before he was supposed to fly to California to see her. So many things I didn't know about before.

I was very touched by that story. My grandmother was homesick while she was in California. My grandmother (or Nanay as everyone calls her) sponsored all of her single children so they could become American citizens. She was out in California with two of my aunts doing that when her husband passed away. I remember my mom and her other siblings telling my grandfather (Tatay) how Nanay missed him a lot. Tatay was a very business saavy kinda guy. He owned a lot of property and oversaw workers tending to it every day. So he really didn't want to travel when he had a lot to do. Mango trees populated the land and sometimes he would have my mom or other people sell the mangoes at the local markets. I really wish I saw how my mom sold mangoes. That would've been funny.

Nanay had been in America for almost a year so not seeing her hubby was very upsetting. Tatay didn't feel comfortable going to America while he had a lot of work to do. But after several people persuaded him to go, he finally said yes. My mom went to this office and that office with him to get his paper work sorted out so he could fly to America. She coordinated his flight, went to the Immigration office to get the okay, and probably bought him a soda on a hot day while they traveled all over the place getting his trip scheduled.

She told me how the night before his flight he came back to their house to say goodbye to my mom's younger siblings who were still in high school. The other kids were in college in the city. My mom had graduated a long time ago and took some time off to take care of the house while her dad worked and her mom was in America. "He told everyone to be good and that he would be back soon," my mom told me.

The next morning, Tatay passed away peacefully in his sleep. As if for some odd reason he knew something was going to happen and that's why he didn't want to travel. As if knew already. That's why that story really stuck with me for the past few days. Nanay was obviously distraught after hearing of her husband's passing, especially hearing about it on another continent. Being filled with excitement of finally seeing her husband after so many long months, and to be greeted by his death from a phone call she received shortly after. I remember tearing up when my mom told me that story.

"He must've really didn't want to go then," I said to my mom, "As if he knew something was going to happen."

Life is full of surprises, both good and bad. Things happen for a reason and sometimes we don't realize those reasons until the surprise is over. I've had my fair share of bad surprises just like other people who've been greeted by unwelcome deaths in their family or other bad news. "He was a good dad. He was very funny and joked around with us sometimes. Even though he was strict he really did love us," mom said after she told me that story.

We often think relationships are strained because of distance or a lack of communication but that's not always necessarily true. People can go months without seeing or hearing from each other but that doesn't change the amount of love they have for us. Sometimes reaching out is a great way of catching up and seeing how someone is doing. I did that over the Christmas holiday. I texted two girls I was best friends with in high school to see how they were. Of course it was out of nowhere for both of them and even though I didn't receive the same excitement from them for hearing from me, I kind of feel okay knowing that I reached out and told them I was thinking of them. Other times, getting in touch with someone after a long, quiet absence can really improve the relationship. I talk to my cousin Blanca in California more often these days. Even though they're quick conversations, I'm glad I'm able to rebuild that relationship with my family out there. I'm hoping to see her sometime in the spring or summer along with my other family members I haven't seen in almost ten years.

I may be seen as someone who doesn't keep in touch that well but then again who doesn't?! So if you're one of the few people reading this, you're probably wondering "hmm I wonder if Jules ever thinks about me when she's not thinking about food, Brittany Snow or how many miles she has to run tomorrow." If you've crossed my mind, and I'm sure you have, then feel good knowing I am thinking about you. We'll catch up soon :)

Rest in peace Uncle Eddie. May 25, 1954-January 2, 2013

Girls

I think more people ought to know who Santigold is...

New video. It truly captures the diversity in New York City, where the video was made. 

 
Girls - Santigold

The Mono & Heartbreak Diet

Happy Friday, sluts!

A few months ago I encountered a nasty bout of mononucleosis. I know, you're probably thinking I spent a late night out in the city making out vigorously with someone who'll treat me like shit five weeks after that. My city-slickin' ways have come to a slow pause, a mere standstill. Why? Because I'm old*
*23 is not old. However to a twenty-something post-grad, it's almost like turning 50. It feels like turning 50. You start doing things 50-year old ladies do like playing bridge with your girlfriends and making dinner and going to church and watching game shows. But for a 23-year old that's the equivalent to sitting on the couch with your roommates, drinking wine and watching Real Housewives, Nashville, and The Bachelor. And sometimes forcing them to sit through another episode of Shahs of Sunset (What? Part of me wishes I was Persian. All they do is drink champagne and look stunning with their dark skin and gold jewelry while their pet cheetahs eat anyone they don't think. I really oughta look into getting a pet cheetah.)

Anyways, I got mono. And it sucked. Probably from sharing drinks, or smoking hookah, or that one time when that boy sneezed on me in Target. And getting it when Hurricane Sandy decided to projectile vomit half of the Atlantic Ocean all over the east coast was even more eventful. Thanks, girl. We really needed you to baptize us with your presence. Sucha sweetie.

It started with a sore throat and white patches on my tonsils. I thought it was strep but the strep test was negative. Great. I have a zombie virus that antibiotics won't cure. I spent a week barely being able to swallow and sounding like Kermit the Frog. It went away in a week and I was feeling better. My doctor still suggested I get a blood test just in case so two weeks after I got better I went in for a blood test. Ten days later, he called me saying I had mono. I was shocked. I didn't suffer from the extreme fatigue, high fever, and just feeling like a complete shit ball. I was working out too so I had no idea my spleen was swollen. Thankfully, I had given up drinking alcohol and juice for 40 days during that time so I was able to recuperate and not combust into this oozing pile of sick girl.

I went to the doctor before the Christmas holiday and he told me that I had lost some weight since my last visit back in November. And recently, a co-worker of mine saw me printing at the copier and said "You're skinnyyyy." I replied with, "Thanks to my mono and heartbreak diet!" It's quite simple actually. So during the time I had mono, I kind of, sort of, might have gotten a little manic depressive and broken again but it actually wasn't that big of a deal. Although it further added to my weight loss, I'd say it's a feeling I would rather not feel in 2013. But if you're in a bind and in need for a weight loss plan that's outside the norm for you, try The Mono & Heartbreak Diet. It's been tested and approved by yours truly...

The Mono & Heartbreak Diet
You will need the following...

1 extremely sore throat with tonsils covered in puss
1 low-grade or high fever with much body aches
1 heart, bruised and broken
Throat lozenges
Peanut butter cups
Nutella-filled sugar cookies
Lots and lots of tissues
This song
And this song
DEFINITELY THIS SONG
Your mom and your girlfriends

Prerequisites: a night 4-6 weeks prior when you shared drinks, mouths, or hookahs with a group of friends, preferably friends that have carried some sort of case of mono.

1. Experience symptoms of strep throat and pay no attention to it. Stock up on over-the-counter meds, assuming it will go away in time for the weekend.

2. Panic when the tonsils worsen and swallowing becomes an arduous and painful chore. Lay in bed, call your mom crying. This may require the feeling of denial after you find out your strep test turned out negative.

3. Retrace your steps. What did you share and with whom? Call those you've hung out and ask them if they've had mono or experienced any similar symptoms as you. If left shit outta luck, lay in bed more and cry a little.

4. Sleep. A lot. Doze off during episodes of trash tv. Barely respond to text messages. Drink orange juice, thinking you may just be vitamin C deficient. You're wrong.

5. Feel lonely and depressed. See your future turn into ashes at the thought of having mono. See your crush disappear into thin air. See your social circle move on without you. Become severely worried with FOMO. Cry and fall asleep.

6. Wake up and pee. Look for something to eat in the fridge. Grimace at the sight of all the food that looks painful to swallow. Settle for a glass of water, pain meds, and a throat lozenge.

7. Miss your crush who you haven't spoken to. Watch sappy rom-coms with your roommates as a distraction. Eat the nutella-filled sugar cookies that your roommate made. Smile for the first time in three days.

8. Walk around your apartment as your way of being social. Take a hot shower, call your mom, and nap.

9. Eat soup and call it an early night while your friends all go out. Silence your phone so you get a restful night's sleep, hoping to wake up to a text from your crush missing you. Wake up to no texts.

10.  Have a lazy day. Watch episodes of Girls with your girlfriends. Put your phone away. Laugh. Drink tea.

11. Hear from your crush. Make them laugh with your Kermit the Frog voice. Have a good conversation then go to bed.

12. Your tonsils start clearing up. You start to see the light.

13. You get back to your workout routine. You text your crush. Your crush texts you. Color comes back to your face. Notice your legs looking thinner.

14. A few months go by. Your crush makes you nervous. You get worried. You have arguments. Your nerves will make you nauseous. Down two glasses of water. Try to read. Cry a lot. Ask your mom for a hug. Sleep.

15. Don't hear from your crush for three days. Pray that she's okay. Celebrate New Years with close friends. Leave your phone upstairs and untouched. You feel okay, they make you laugh.

16. Work through your lunch break. Drink water and tea. Tear up thinking about sweet nothings your crush once told you. Reacquaint yourself with Christian rock.

17. Work out after a long day. Get a good sweat going. Distract yourself by running for miles. Life weights. Look at phone and be okay with no text messages or missed calls.

18. Watch Pitch Perfect for the fifth time. Your mood is better. Sing at the top of your lungs with your roommates.You're ready to go to bed.

19. Wake up. Vow to put your worries in God's hands this year. Smile at strangers to make your mood brighter. Remind yourself things happen for a reason and that this year is yours. Wear that pair of salmon-colored corduroys. They feel a little loose as does your shirts and other tops.

20. Be optimistic. Work your ass off to survive. Take care of yourself this time. Assume less. Expect nothing. Forgive those who hurt you and smile about it. Feel good. Thank God.

Prep-time: Your Past
Duration: A season
Outcome: Awesome

When to come back

Looking at the calendar now, it's almost been 3 months since I've last written here. Unlike before, I won't sit here and apologize for not writing. I've just been unmotivated. Although endless thoughts flood my mind, I didn't feel the need to write them down and share.

To sum up the fall and winter thus far, I can truly say I've had better days but who hasn't gone through a time in their lives where things kind of just...stop? Where you don't really feel like yourself or up to doing anything that normally you would do in a heartbeat.

I took a sabbatical from dating, something that I think helped but hurt all at the same time. Going through countless dead-end experiences wasn't ideal for me. And to escape the mind games, overthinking, and empty wallet over people who clearly were looking for different things kind of saved my well-being. But it also hurt at the same time because although those people disappointed me, I did miss that companionship; that feeling of being "wanted"; the good kind of busy where you couldn't meet up with your girlfriends because you had a cute date to go on. The text conversations and random twenty-minute chats on the phone, that's what I missed. But learning how to be alone, although somewhat lonely, isn't always a bad thing. I've been learning to rely on friends for fun comradery and painstaking laughter and I'm continuing (struggling, but continuing) to rebuild my self-worth and not dwell on the things I miss and hope for in a relationship. I know that I'm bound to have a healthy one eventually but at the right time and with the right person, as patient as I have to be, I am learning to understand as time goes on.This doesn't mean I'll burst out with some feelings of heartbreak ever again, because there will be days where I will feel like complete crap but right now I'm just trying to things as they are and not feel sad. Besides, I'm at work right now and being consoled by my co-workers would make me feel awkward.

Right before Super Storm Sandy scared the shit out of me and the rest of the Northeast, I came down with a bout of really bad laryngitis, which actually turned out to be mononucleosis. Yummy. And of course, just my luck. I wouldn't consider myself germaphobic but I always had this uncanny fear of getting mono kind of like how Hannah Horvath was always afraid of contracting AIDS. Did I mention I'm like really excited for the new season of Girls to come out on January 13th? Anyways, I didn't receive the results of my bloodtest until a few days before Thanksgiving. So right after my tonsil nastiness cleared up I went right back to working out not knowing my spleen was swollen and could burst if I ever were to trip and fall on a morning run outside. Oops! All in all, I'm feeling better and have been for almost two months. My doctor says I'm not contagious and to take it easy working out.

So since nothing exciting has really happened since I last wrote here (and I'm not saying my last post was anything to be excited about), I guess one of the reasons why I've decided to write this short blurb was because one of my best friends motivated me with her own writing. My health guru workout queen nugget Gi has taken to her own writing outlet and I must say she is one to inspire and motivate. Take a look at her new blog that'll not only motivate you to be the best version of yourself you could possible be, but it'll also put things in perspective in an intriguing way. With a background in health and fitness, she can even inspire those tummy trolls to feel motivated and get Gi-Fit :)

I'm not making a comeback or anything like that by writing for the first time in a long time. This may be the last post I write for a while, who knows. But after reading some moving words by one of my closest friends, I've decided to come back and see where things take me.

Oh, and I finally got an iPhone. The 5. It's really cool but I'm still getting used to it.

I'm afraid to read your letter

I'm afraid to read your letter because it'll just bring back all of those good memories that aren't there anymore. Your letter is in the top drawer of my dresser with the frosted glass. You know, the one I bought from IKEA and sent a picture to you after I finished putting it together. I remember you told me I did a great job and you really liked the color of my walls. But you never got to see the color close up nor did you get to see the drawers, or me for that matter.

I'm afraid to read your letter because it'll just show me the promises and hope that was easily taken away from me. Just as easy as it was for you to write that letter. I'm sorry for saying that and I'm sorry if it comes off as harsh. But I think you and I were so keen on telling each other the truth; what I hope was the truth and still is the truth. It's really hard for you to think about that stuff right now. You're trying, which is good.

I'm afraid to read your letter because it'll take me back to that place. That emotional, loving, vulnerable place. And although I do still keep you in my heart and there hasn't gone a day without me thinking about you, I refuse to revisit that letter and read what you wrote. It'll break my heart. It'll turn my pretty decent day into an anxiety-ridden night of tossing and turning and downright missing you. I miss you, you know that? No surprise there, you'll say.

I'm afraid to read your letter because I'll cry. I mean, I've been crying if that's what will make you feel better - just knowing that I'm a completely shattered person and putting myself together is like a blind man looking for his glasses in a large open space with only white noise in the background. I still go out and have fun with my friends but your in my head still. You're untouchable and I can't do much about that. Part of me wants to keep you there just in case you want to come back and show me those promises up close and personal.

I have no more eggs because I placed them all in this mysterious basket that I just can't seem to remember where I placed. There's no point of searching for it either. I'll remember with time. As Sanctus Real sang, "Sometimes the truth ain't easy to find...But I'm learning that these things take time."

I saved your voicemails too. I listened to them not too long ago. Although hearing your voice was refreshing, those words you wrote me this past summer are things you wouldn't normally share over the phone. Amazing, heartfelt words. I just can't read them right now. I'm still that blind man looking for his glasses in a large open space with only white noise in the background.

Go Away...

Please. Just for now. Meow hiss. 

I'm leaving my phone in the car for the time being.

I'm sorry. 

PS: This isn't a picture of me. But doesn't she have my hair and mannerisms?

Don't you worry child...

This song + my life currently = assurance. 

My insides are dancing like all these peeps. RIP SHM.

gimme some time, jiggas.

40 MORE Things You Should Know Before Dating Me

In regards, to the previous 40 things, here are 40 more. And if you haven't read the first 40 then you should before you read these 40. Just came back from a run in mah new shoez and felt inspired. Meow. Woof.

1. Pet names, I'm guilty. Consider yourself lucky if I don't call you by your real name. Real names are dull. Okay, not really, but seriously...how do you expect me to get comfortable with you without a nickname? Nicknames are boss and cool and say things like, "Hey, I'm cool enough to be called something other than my real name. Only my parents call me by my real name. Lame sauce!"

2. I rape New York Magazine's Restaurant and Bar section of the website. It's maddening how many great and famazing places there are in the 13.4 mile-long island and surrounding burroughs. Fiddlesticks, I really wanna go on dates at all these places. It's just a matter of finding the right company, and if you consist of that right company, then you're all taken care of. At least for that night. And if my bank account allows it. Moreover, you have to be fucking nice is what it comes down to. I'm not taking you to Frank or ABC Kitchen if you're gonna treat me like dog shit.

3. If you intrigue me, I will smile. You may not know it but I'm smiling.

4. I say "anyways," rather than the grammatically correct, "anyway." I add the s. Why? Just 'cause. And if it's a make or break of you dating me, then you can sit by yourself. Forever.

5. The older I get, the nicer I try to be. However, the nicer I try to be, I don't always receive the responses I'd like to hear. Example: If I try to be sweet to you and you respond sarcastically, I'll feel defeated. I'm sorry but I will.

6. In regards to #5, I'm also quite sensitive. But don't really show it :\

7. I think about sex during the day more often than at night.

8. The company I currently work for is somewhat lax with their personal phone use policy. To be honest, we don't have a personal phone use policy. But I can text. So don't think I'm uber needy if I'm texting you during my work hours. Or calling you on an extended break. I'm great at multitasking and that doesn't just apply to using a phone.

9. I won't make the first move. I just won't. I'll imply for it to happen. I'll hint at your ability to "go in for the kill." I'll even meet you half way (okay, more like you come in 60% and I'll go in 40% in terms of kissing). But I just can't get myself to put on my big girl pants and make the first move! At least not yet.

10. I have a pretty good memory, so don't lie. Or at least try not to. Better yet, simply quit while you're ahead. I'll catch up, put pieces together, and eventually question you. Sorry, but I'm not trying to be made a fool especially when I'm willing to take you to Frank or ABC Kitchen (see #2).

11.  I'll make you mix CDs and hope to God you like the songs.

12. If I'm having a really shitty day and I plan on seeing you, I will genuinely ask you for a hug because I genuinely need one in my overwhelmed state. And please respond kindly. Who doesn't like hugs?

13. If I feel the need to console you for some odd reason, I'll pat and/or rub the top of your back for a good second or two. Just let it happen.

14. I'm that type of girl who smiles at her phone when you text me. I mean, if it's something nice of course. Who would smile at a text like, "You're being a sensitive cunt. I don't want to talk to you right meow or go to Frank with you."

15. I listen to inspirational, Christian music on the radio to and from work. Don't ask. But those songs really get me through some tough times, especially as of late. One time, I was driving home and I heard this song, and I started bawling. Legit, #bawling. If this means you'll stop seeing me and talking to me, then you are definitely not worth expensive dinner dates and back rubs. Fuh you!

16. I'll have those days where I'm just sad for no reason. It has nothing to do with you. I'm just sad. And I'll secretly hope you'll console me with a hug or some inspirational words.

17. I read here and there. I usually read obscure literature. Like right now, I'm reading C.S. Lewis. I think it'd be so cute if you gave me a book to read and wrote me a little note in it. I'd keep it forever even if I didn't read the whole thing.

18. I'll miss you more when I drink wine with my friends. I'm currently doing that right meow with three of my besties.

19. Body pillows. They are famazing. When you're not around...yeah, I'll be putting my crotch on that and cuddling like a sad puppy in need of some lovin'.

20. In regards to #19, I'm big on cuddling. I cuddled with my mama this past weekend because I was feeling really down and didn't want to be alone. I'm sorry but I love my mama and if she's willing to be the only one to love me then so be it.

21. Eventually, I would like to say goodnight to you. Whether it's via text or a brief phonecall, I would want to say goodnight to you no matter if you're out with friends or taking an early night in.

22. As much as I love Williamsburg and the #hipster lifestyle, I can't fathom fully dressing like one. I mean, I try but it never works out. Just don't judge me if I wear herrem pants on a date. If I do, that means I'm #extremely comfortable around you.

23. I'm drunk, please don't judge me for blogging right meow.

24. I've said this before, if I'm out with friends and I'm drunk, I'll expect you to pay attention to me when you text me.

25. I will want to send you e-mails of things that pop up on my Twitter that remind me of yew.

26. I will secretly hope you have a partially romantic side to you. I mean, I do. SoooOOOoooo, it would only make sense? Idk.

27. I have the worst sounding morning voice. I used to talk to someone who thought it was "so sexy" but no. It's not. I sound like  raspy senior citizen who lives in nursing home miserable, sad, and alone. Or widowed. Depending on when you die.

28. I will support you. If you're working in the circus or about to get an abortion, I will support you. Look, my motto is, "If I'm gonna love ya, I'm gonna love all of ya." But...that depends on a lot. Like a lot.

29. You show me the same amount of effort that I put into a relationship, if not more, I will treat you like a queen, a princess, like fucking Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge.

30. I would want to read to you. Usually, I like sharing interesting Thought Catalog articles with people and I will insist on reading them out loud to you whether over the phone or in person.

31. I'm big on tone and sometimes texting can be a little much for me, especially if I don't know your sense of humor or can't read your interest level. I may become stand offish without assurance that you're joking/still interested/not being a huge dick of a person/etc. Refer to #6.

32. I've played games when I dated before and as I get older, that's becoming more of a hassle than a fun time. Dating should be fun, not strategic. So don't try sinking my battleship by being a asshole.Thanks.

33.  Phone > Texting. Depending on the time and place.

34. I used to have the hardest time accepting compliments. But you know what? It just goes to show you that someone is just trying to be nice. And that's what I try to do these days without losing all sense of my wit, sarcasm, and cynicism. So dammit, if I say you smell good or look good, then take it. Don't "blame" it on the fact that you showered for the first time in 13 days or I'm just looking at you from a certain angle.

35. I'm not a klepto but I'll ask you if I can have something that you're wearing. Not in a weird way though. More of like a childish, "gimme gimme" way. I'll insist on trading with you something of equal or lesser value (lesser if I'm being honest) of my own, but over time I'll just keep whatever is yours and say I'm "taking good care of it temporarily." You won't get it back. And I probably won't end up trading anything of mine with you.

36. I'm not that great at planning dates. I'm good at making suggestions, meeting you at said destination at said time, and even being a team player and trying new grub, drinks, blah blah blah. But when it comes to planning, I'm better at planning roadtrips and social gatherings. I think.

37. I'm slightly self-conscious about my writing and if you show little to no interest in reading my blog, or you seem like a judgmental person, you're never reading this.

38. I do believe that first impressions are quite important. So don't be a dick.

39. I would hope that you in some way at least try to take care of yourself (i.e. decent night's rest, a little exercise even if that amounts to stretching in the morning or cracking your knuckles, have some sort of ambition even if that means determination to finish your plate of food or alcoholic beverage, etc.). Essentially, don't be a slug.

40. I will do everything in my power to make you smile. I promise you that :)