Premium Malt Beverage.

I studied abroad in Australia for four and half months last semester. I considered it the greatest time of my life and I still do. In fact, I cry about it sometimes. And I find myself getting really depressed about not being there. I mean, it was great to see friends and people I haven't seen in a long time but there's still a part of me back in that wonderful country.

The reason for the title of this post is due to how much new things I didn't know about while I was away. One such new thing was this new trend around college campuses and little babies who like to get drunk with something they can afford with money they made from mowing someone's lawn. A new premium malt beverage: Four Loco.

My friend Ali, likes to call it Four "Noco" because it's that potent in fun juice qualities. Many people who I've talked to say "this shiz'll fuck you up, yo." And things like "dang, man, shoot, fuck that shit be craaaazy." Haha no they don't talk like that...all the time but basically, yeah this stuff is lethal. Four Loko comes in this large-and-in-charge can that's probably the size of two beers or maybe more than that. It's got this weird camo design but obviously in different colors depending on what flavor it is. And it says 12% Alcohol. Shit. One of these bad boys will make you party like your vagina is on fire. Even guys! It's like Girls/Guys Gone Wild after one of these tricks. Haha only joking...I think.

So I decided to give it a shot and see if this shiz will fuck me up.

The corner store (yes, where I go to school is where one can find a corner store everywhere...they don't even have to be on corners!) close to my friend's house only sold two flavors. I opted for Cranberry Lemonade...hey, it might be like one of those other PMB's: Mike's Hard. $2.50 later, I was on my way to Locoville.

Another thing about the can of insanity: It says "We ID" in a little circle near the top. I love how the can is telling consumers and attempted buyers that it, the can, ID's its users. You know, just in case the clerk forgets to ID someone.

This shit was nauseating. Or maybe it was just the flavor, but it sucked ass. I don't know what the fuck kind of alcohol is in that but one really can't put a peg on it. If anything, it could be filled with cheap grain alcohol or street juice concocted by a Creole voodoo specialist. Ugh. This was no Mad Dog hobo alcohol (if you never tried Mad Dog, just ask a homeless person...it's not bad). It's almost like slightly carbonated fruit juice with alcohol added to it. The can has no ingredients list or nutritional information (haha) so I wouldn't know what the fuck is in it except caffeine, guarana, and the color Red #40 or something like that. Because knowing what shade of red is really important.

It took me about 2 hours to finish. It was unbearable. I only wanted to finish it just so I could say I did. But as I sipped on it, I did feel the effects. Whoooooooo i got full, and googly-eyed but I didn't have a desire to take my top off or make out with anyone. I was chill, enjoyed myself and talked to people without slurring my words. Then I sobered up, got bored, and called a cab to go home. But it was fun. I don't know about Cranberry Lemonade. I hear Watermelon was rather promising. Maybe next time.