Kaboom.

I think this quote describes me perfectly. I'm clearly not graceful and I have a tendency of reacting before responding, often causing conflicts to arise. I'm not perfect, I'm sensitive, I'm selfish when I think I'm being empathetic and more times than not, I "can't seem to have a normal conversation." I talk to people who like to brush things under the rug, or don't wanna deal with it. I try to be understanding but clearly I'm not a therapist and when I try to listen, I fail. When I give "philosophical" advice as I was once told, it just seems to not be good enough; it seems to be just too deep. No matter what comes out of my mouth, people don't have the patience or understanding themselves to get what I'm saying. Underneath my selfish and insecure exterior they fail to recognize some who cares. When you're pissed, I'm not in a good mood. When you're sad, it's hard for me to be in good spirits. 

But what's funny to me is that when I try, the other person gives up on me. They get irritated, they no longer wanna talk to someone who would stay on the phone all through the night if that's what made them feel better. But when I'm the one who needs somebody, they don't have time. If my anxiety was at an all time high, I have been told to "let it go" when all I need are some simple kind words of understanding. And no, I don't need to be "babied" or coddled 24/7. But don't expect me to respond well to someone telling me I'm irritating when I know I have shit to work on. Don't tell me to suck it up when I would never tell you to let go of your trauma, your pain, your problems. I'm not looking for a pity party since I throw great ones on my own. And don't think I'm never given tough love ("You did this to yourself" as my dad put it one time last winter when I wasn't doing well) because I'm well accustomed to it. 

In the end, I make sacrifices, and I can't get that same trying attitude from the other person. I'm hard-headed and I can't seem to find someone who is willing to understand me. 

Call this a pity post if you want, but I'm human and I have feelings. It's my blog, I can make it about me if I want to.