SYS (See Ya S***)

The last time I heard from you, you weren’t shy about telling me what I was: too intense, too kind, too nice all the time, too sensitive, too deep, too “philosophical” (I’d like to think I’m Pinteresting but whatevs); that I was insecure about where I stood with you, that I was insecure among the other girls you were talking to, that I threw myself at you, that I texted too much.

From what I recall about the texting, you asked me months ago if I enjoyed talking to you and I told you my answer. I asked you the same question and you told me your answer. I didn’t want to bother you and you assured me that I wasn’t. We can agree to disagree on the amount of time we spent texting but you would not hesitate to respond. And after a while you were initiating conversation with me whether it was through a random text or a snapchat. I gave you space when we didn’t talk. I gave you time to talk to the other girls you were interested in while I continued living my life, while I continued letting you live yours, and while I continued waiting for you to let me know when it was convenient for you to hang.

That was an issue: the other girls you were talking to. You were completely honest about that from the beginning. I was kind of jealous, taken aback by your honesty, but accepted things for what they were at the time no matter how hard that was. I was looking for a healthy, exclusive relationship. You wanted to have fun. I couldn’t knock it til I tried so I was willing to give it a go. Maybe what I needed was just a little fun right? I had enough confidence to not care to know anything about them when the other two (which later became three girls) wanted to know so much about me. You said, “Of all the girls, you’re the only one who doesn’t ask about the other two, why is that?” My response: “Because I’m not interested in them. I’m interested in you.” If that’s not confidence then I don’t know what is.

What baffles me is that you were not afraid to tell me all of the things that were wrong with me on top of telling me the great things about Alexa and Claire. Alexa has the perfect body and is so smart and went to Duke and passed the bar and has a nice butt. Claire is funny and can fuck around in conversation and sends you snapchats all the time. They were both DTF and not boring. And with that said, that doesn’t leave much room for me now does it? What do I even say to that? If I was throwing myself at you like you claimed, I would've tried to one-up them with my stealth six pack abs (which I don't have but my tummy is looking better these days then before) or how I'm "fluent" in 6 languages, one of them being Sarcasm.

What makes me so unique that I’m incomparable to these other two girls if you’ve found what you’re looking for in them? Is it because I’m kind and genuine? Is it because I motivated you to be a better you? Is it because I didn’t get angry when you relapsed? Is it because I listened, I gave sound advice, I sent you music and wished you a goodnight? Is it because you have no plan of seeing me and I’m disposable whenever you choose to be done? Or is it because at the end of the day, when no one is giving you the time of day and lifting you up in ways you can only get from me, there I am for you to seek solace from. You say that I'm "different" then the other two but you just can't seem to figure out what it is. I am just so mysterious but not enough to keep you curious for too long since you claim to know me, which you don't. At all.

I feel as if you spent more time telling me what you didn’t like about me then what you did like. You spent more time berating who I was personality-wise then accepting me for who I am. You spent more time telling me what girls did that you enjoyed, assuming that since I liked you a lot, I would change in accordance to your standards because although you did like me and you were attracted to me, I was still not good enough. Just because I find intelligence more stimulating than talking about sexual deviance, I guess that makes me "too deep" for wanting to connect with someone on an intellectual level. What? I find brains to be sexy and if you can keep my interest with your brain then I'm sure you can keep my interest in the bedroom. All in all it would be a win-win.

And if you found yourself torn between so many people, why should I change for you if I’m not the only one that’s on your mind? I’m conditional. I’m an option. I’m not your favorite flavor. You finally understood at one point, or at least I’d like to think you did, that you wanted to have your cake and eat it too. You wanted the massive sundae with all the things you liked but couldn’t find in one person. You didn’t want to compromise who you were to get that, you wanted people to play by your rules. And it looks like I compromised who I was because you were the only one interested enough to pursue me. And I thought you were someone I wanted to potentially date. I was willing to date someone who has a wandering eye and is open about it. I was willing to settle for someone who would not compromise and consider my feelings. And shit, I was willing to date someone who wanted to sleep with Justin Bieber…#GROSS. Really? Bieber? C’mon.

You spend your days listening to other peoples’ problems. That’s what you’re paid to do: to listen, to be understanding, to help. But when it comes to your personal life, you shift and your lack of patience with girls is not parallel with your professional job description. Seems a little hypocritical since you're a clinical therapist, but wouldn't you try to apply some of the good characteristics of that line of work to your own life? People say not to mix work with personal life and you certainly do a good job at that, but when it comes to important traits a healthy relationship/friendship needs (communication, help, understanding) that’s something you don’t want to bring to the table. At least not for right now; you're keeping your options open (although you say you want to settle down, but girl, you just can't seem to get enough of these "bad girls"). I get it, you listen to people all day so why would you wanna listen to girls talk about what’s bothering them?

And I’m sure you’re thinking, “why are you being so sensitive, Jules? You haven’t even met me yet.” Well, I can see by your “enthusiasm” of wanting to hang that I’m not that important to you. I was important to you in a sense that you wanted to be honest with me, you didn’t want to hurt me. But you hurt me in other ways: you lost patience when I tried to rationally tell you how I felt, you brushed me off abruptly when you were busy, you brought me down by telling me what was wrong with my personality, you openly compared me to the other girls you were talking to/sleeping with...you even had the pictures and screenshots to justify your reasoning as to why I'm not like the other girls. Sorry for being myself.

If you want to know the root of my insecurities, I think I’ve finally realized that it was you. You were an attribute to my insecurity. You flip flopped with me and other girls. You openly told me details about all of them. You told me about your history with pills. You told me about you. And I gave you support. I gave you RATIONAL support. If I was nothing but someone to have fun with, which I accepted it after many conversations, how could I see something healthy come out of this? I was willing to settle for fun if that was the only attention I’d be getting.

 

I mean, think about it, instead of getting jealous of the stories you would tell me about other girls (like insecure people would do), I would respond with "Oh, cool" or "Maybe that'll help you figure stuff out." But for some reason you saw that rational support as being insecure. So all in all I feel like whatever I'd say to you was never the right thing to say. I was better off just scratching my ass and dancing in a corner then responding. As if you want all of us girls to get mad at each other and be jealous that you're dividing time between all the desserts in front you. It's like you can't pick one so you try each one still undecided. Om nom nom.

I know what I deserve and although you say you’re a simple girl, you’re not. Simple girls don’t get involved in complicated situations involving multiple people. Simple girls do not psychoanalyze others, causing them to question their self-worth. Simple girls are not indecisive and selfish with the feelings of others. You are not simple. You can't make up your mind so why should anyone fight if you're not willing to do the same?

And as innocent as you think I am, I am not weak. So don’t mistake my kindness for weakness and my sincerity as another chance at bulldozing me over with stories about other girls who interest you. I told you before that it takes more energy out of me to be mad then to just brush it off. Because if I was worth any of your time, you wouldn’t have put me down for being human. A human who has feelings, is passionate, is considerate of the other girls you were talking to when I didn't have to be, is willing to accept that you went off with someone else if that means it’ll make your life easier. It’s not like you would fight for me anyways so why should I do the same? It’s not like you even know what you want. Like I said, I was just an option to you.

I don’t regret anything I ever shared with you because you did make me feel special at times. But one day I know I won’t feel the way I’m feeling now. One day, I’ll regain some of the self-worth back that I lost. Although you said you only shit once a week (which sucks because regularity is really important in a healthy lifestyle, along with being comfortable talking about it), you basically took a massive dump on my self-esteem. If you weren’t telling me one thing about the sexy pics Claire sends you or the amount of times you slept with Alexa the night before, you would be calling me insecure when I say, “Good for you” (which doesn’t make sense because that’s basically my sugar-coating the fact that I don’t care and you’re not that impressive…and that it’s a turn off if you’re gonna talk about other girls then ask something normal like “How are you?”).

Your confidence is impressive and I do find your willingness to take the lead attractive. But you are not someone I want to be. It almost feels like defeat how you’ve met these other girls but have yet to grab a drink with me (I guess we have met since we FaceTimed a couple of times) but I’m not too sure if I lost at anything. This isn’t the first time I actually thought “Maybe this is an opportunity to walk away from something that could turn into yet another problem.” And that thought on top of the other red flags I was willing to settle for with you, is probably a reason to walk away. Essentially you let me go. Someone who cared wouldn’t have done that. I'm sure you'll figure out what you want. Maybe one day you'll find someone who likes the "simplicity" you bring to the table. Hopefully it'll be one person and not many because that can get messy.

How’s that for being too nice?