I don't have nightmares but not sleeping is just as bad

I don't know if it's the new job stress that's causing it, but I'm having trouble sleeping so far this week. I have one more day left at the new job before I can celebrate the weekend. I haven't touched a drink this week because I want to savor my first one after an accomplished week of new work, completed spreadsheets and tired eyes that can finally rest for two days until Monday comes back around.

There's so much I wish I could share with you. So much. But I'm scared. I'm not ready. I feel like the first thing I'll say is "wha happened, mang?!"

Still the confusion lingers and I feel my heart drop into my chest when I think about it at night. There's so much focus I'm putting into my new job that I don't have time to zone out during the day. So it comes at night when I'm ready to sleep for a few hours before my alarm goes off a lot earlier than it used to. And when my heart drops as I think about things more deeply, I feel my eyes get wet under my closed eye lids.

My heart kind of stoops down to a whole new low and I feel that sadness creep back in. I shake it away but I know it'll be back and that's the pattern it'll be like at least for a while. Until I no longer think about it or wonder where you've gone off to.

I know you probably think "Jesus, can't this bitch just get the fuck over it?" But remember, you and I are very passionate about life and when we feel things they're ten times stronger than the ordinary person. It's like lightening and fireworks to us when everyone else just sees a dim fire burning.

That's something I'll always admire about you: your passion. So don't let it die no matter where you may be.

I used to be afraid to go to sleep when I was younger. I used to be afraid of the dark at that age. As I got older and started to date someone and things were on the rocks I used to be afraid to go to sleep because that meant I'd be alone and not know what tomorrow brings when a relationship was confusing and unknown. Like my fate wasn't decided. I'd forget to breathe, panic a little, and have the urge to just reach out to that person.

Later on, I'd be afraid to go to sleep if I didn't hear from you. I'd get worried as if something terrible was happening. As if the last time we'd speak would be earlier in the day and that was it. And then you would call whether it was a few minutes or a few hours after my panic-stricken moment and that feeling would subside. Sometimes I'd get crabby about it but such a sigh of relief would come over me that it didn't even matter anymore. I was just relieved to finally here from you; to hear your voice.

But now, I try to go to sleep and shut my eyes to the quiet darkness. I lay in bed, say my prayers, and try to rest knowing I won't hear from you, that you're gone without any word. That the last time we spoke I thought it wouldn't be the last time but it was. I kinda just let myself feel what I'm feeling. I don't fight it anymore, I don't panic. I just let it happen until it goes away long enough for my mind to shut down and I fall asleep. It may be late but it eventually happens haha.

I don't know what's worse: falling asleep soundly but waking to a terrible nightmare or losing sleep because my mind is stuck on the confusion and hurt of an emotionally traumatic experience. Either way, I end up losing. But I wake up every day, knowing it's new and I gotta get through it to survive. Then another night rolls around and the pattern continues until things get easier.

It's getting late. I should try to sleep.