A Letter

Hi,

I haven't spoken to you since last Wednesday. I'm actually not sure if I could consider last Wednesday the last time we spoke considering you were really busy at work and we only texted briefly during the day before you never responded to my last text or last phone call later that evening. You didn't answer my question about taking you to dinner on your birthday, which was the next day. And part of me expected not to see you but another part of me didn't expect not ever hearing from you again. I'm not mad. Just really sad, obviously hurt, and missing you. My friends probably think I'm crazy for doing so but... Actually, they're not. They know what I'm going through and are there to support me no matter what they do or don't disagree with.

Part of me is also confused since we were completely fine. I wouldn't necessarily say I was blind-sided; part of me did think something like this would happen again but I still held onto that glimmer of hope that I've been trying really hard to hold onto after more than a year of having you in my life. One thing I do want you to realize is that I gave you that time of myself that I can't get back. No mulligans in real life; I don't get a do over and if I do, it's in the present time. There's no rewinds to days we can regret or start over. So now, it's all about reflecting on that hurt, and being alone in the process. There's no candy in my phone I can call up to give me attention or to distract me from thinking about you. It won't do me any good and I wouldn't grow from that.

Allowing myself to feel this pain and facing it like a fear is what I have to do in order to accept things how they are, to move on as a better version of myself, and to eventually embrace this entire pain-ridden but at times joyful experience as a learning curve (joyful in a sense that you did make me happy, supported me, and listened to me the way any partner would for someone they love). I guess in order to really grow and change you have to take detour backwards a little bit, which is what I did. So I'm not at the place I wanted to be come time for my 24th birthday. I thought I'd be in a different place but things don't always go as planned (kinda like dinner). Unfortunately, learning from it now is going to be as challenging as it was to learn how to ride a bike. It's going to be challenging because of the time and emotion I've invested into you. The funny thing is that I gave you more than I had given anyone that I've actually dated. And I mean that. I shared so much of myself with you, who's been invisible to me the entire time I knew you.

I know you didn't want to hurt me again but things happen for a reason, and people will surprise you. For some reason, you couldn't tell me what was going on. I figured you'd let me know if you were too busy to talk as to not have me worried like you know I get when I don't hear from you for hours on end. But I don't know what you're going through right now. I don't know if I'll ever know. I do worry about you but what can I do? I can't sit there and call you numerous times telling you I'm worried because you decided to not contact me. And you haven't let me in enough to even get to the point where I can come to your rescue - I have no idea where you are.

You've told me that you never lied to me about anything and that you've always been honest with me, something that normal relationships sometimes lack. "Normal" in a sense that the two people see each other, spend time together and aren't separated by wireless signals and buttons on a screen the entire time they connected with each other. I used to wish for you to just be completely honest with me about everything. About why I can't see you, about anything you're hiding from me, about why you completely stopped talking to me without any explanation; a valid explanation. As much as it hurts anyone to not know the real answers to life's questions, it's something we just have to accept. And I need to accept that I will never know who you really are, where you really are, and what really happened to you even though I'll wonder.

Again, I'm not mad at you. And I've told my friends that. I've told my mom too. I'm just confused and hurt as to why a connection so strong and good (considering we were on good terms up until I never heard from you) would completely die out of nowhere. I oftentimes question why and what happened to us but sometimes questions can never be answered right away or at all for that matter. It's something I need to accept.

I hope that one day you truly get to that point where the stresses of your life don't collide with goals you want to accomplish. I know you get overwhelmed sometimes but I do believe you did come a long way from where you were, whether I was in your life or not. We both can agree that I pushed you more than any other person both in good ways and bad ones. I made you take off blind folds you had on, but you also became a strong enough person to take them off yourself. You may not want to admit that but I do believe that's true. And I'm happy for you.

I don't know how God is working on me but He is. And He's working on you too. My dad told me that God gives us each a cross that's tailor-made just for us. Kinda like how the wand picked Harry Potter. Only God knows how things will turn out. No matter how impatient we get with His plan, He knows how our lives will turn out. And we need to embrace it rather than fear it. And I've been living in fear of the future for far too long. "It's not gonna be easy, and sometimes it'll be hard. But it's going to be right," my dad said. And I truly believe that what we BOTH have gone through will help us become better individuals. I genuinely did mean it when I said I hope all of your wishes come true on your birthday. And it may not happen right away but eventually your life will fall into place the way you wanted it to.

Love,
Jules