Love Somebody

I definitely took advantage of the days when all people would do is watch music videos all day instead of reality television. I definitely took advantage of a lot of things in life but I woke up this morning and my friend had some music videos playing while we cleaned the kitchen. I took a break when I heard this song and thought the song was amazing but didn't realize how awesome the music video was as well. So I sat and watched in awe; a beautiful song and very cool (and sexy) music video as well.

I think the song speaks volumes in terms of what I, along with many other people, want to do in life: to love somebody. Sometimes we love people who aren't good for us. And sometimes we love people who don't make things easy. There will always be one person that changes things, whether they end up being the one or not. But I think that's what happens in everyone's adventure on the long road to love.

Enjoy.


Love Somebody - Maroon 5

I know your insides are feeling so hollow
And it's a hard pill for you to swallow, yeah
But if I fall for you, I'll never recover
If I fall for you, I'll never be the same

I really wanna love somebody
I really wanna dance the night away
I know we're only half way there
But you can take me all the way, you can take me all the way
I really wanna touch somebody
I think about you every single day
I know we're only half way there
But you can take me all the way, you can take me all the way

You're such a hard act for me to follow
Love me today, don't leave me tomorrow, yeah
But if I fall for you, I'll never recover
If I fall for you, I'll never be the same

I really wanna love somebody
I really wanna dance the night away
I know we're only half way there
But you can take me all the way, you can take me all the way
I really wanna touch somebody
I think about you every single day
I know we're only half way there
But you can take me all the way, you can take me all the way
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

I don't know where to start, I'm just a little lost
I wanna feel like we never gonna ever stop
I don't know what to do, I'm right in front of you
Asking you to stay, you should stay, stay with me tonight, yeah

I really wanna love somebody
I really wanna dance the night away
I know we're only half way there
But you can take me all the way, you can take me all the way
I really wanna touch somebody
I think about you every single day
I know we're only half way there
But you can take me all the way, you can take me all the way
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

You can take me all the way, you can take me all the way, yeah.

Try a Little Tenderness

Florence + the Machine covers Otis Redding's song...


Try a Little Tenderness - Florence + the Machine

Oh, she may be weary
Young girls they do get weary
Wearing that same old shaggy dress
But when she gets weary
Try a little tenderness.

You know she's waiting
Just anticipating
The things that she'll never, never, never, possess
But while she's there waiting
Try a little tenderness.

It's not sentimental, no, no, no
She has her grief and care
But the soft words, they are spoke so gentle
Makes it easier bear

You won't regret it, no
Young girls they don't forget it
Love is their only happiness
But it's all so easy
All you gotta do is try, all you gotta do is...

Squeeze her, don't tease her, never leave her
Try a little tenderness
Don't leave her, don't, don't...
Try a little tenderness.

Can't Stop

It was nice to talk to you briefly last Sunday/Monday. Sorry I called.

OneRepublic's new album Native is amazing. This is one of my favorite songs from the album...


Can't Stop - OneRepublic

I guess this is what it's supposed to feel like
No we don't talk, no we don't talk, we don't talk anymore.
I guess this is what it's supposed to sound like
The universe, the universe, universe is torn.

I know I can live without you
I can live without you everyday, heeeay hey
I know I can live without you
And put life off for another day
hey-hey yeah hey-hey yeeeah

But I can't stop
Thinking about.. thinking about us
Anymore oooh oh
I said I can't stop
Thinking about.. thinking about us
Anymore ooh oh
I said I can't stop.. no
Thinking about.. thinking about this
Anymore ooh oh
And all I've got...
Is nothing I want
Anymore ooh oh

No I never get used to silence
But I don't hear, no I don't hear
I don't hear you anymore.
I know I had to look hard to find it
Everything, everything,
Everything is gone.

I know I can live without you
And put life off for another day
hey-hey yeah hey-hey yeeeah

But I can't stop
Thinking about.. thinking about us
Anymore oooh oh
I said I can't stop
Thinking about.. thinking about us
Anymore ooh oh
I said I can't stop.. no
Thinking about.. thinking about this
Anymore ooh oh
And all I've got...
Is nothing I want
Anymore ooh oh

I can see stars, I can see our lives in a self destructing lane,
I can see stars, I can see lights... shining here.

But I can't stop
Thinking about.. thinking about us
Anymore oooh oh
I said I can't stop
Thinking about.. thinking about us
Anymore ooh oh
I said I can't stop.. no
Thinking about.. thinking about this
Anymore ooh oh
And all I've got...
Is nothing I want
Anymore ooh oh.

Ate it

Not exactly an attack from a weed-wacker, but I fell and ate face on my run this morning. Nothing to blame but my clumsy feet on uneven pavement. I ran past a girl walking and not even a full mile into my run, I trip and try to catch myself but just ended up scraping my knees pretty badly. I got up really fast so no one would see my epic fail. I didn't turn around to see if the girl noticed. 

When I got up, I remember feeling really disappointed because I wanted to get a good run in and eventually get a manicure/pedicure after the long week I've had. For a moment after, I thought about finishing my run - a huge scrape isn't that bad, I thought. But then I saw blood running down my legs. I knew that if I continued on my run, people would wonder why a girl is running around New Rochelle covered in blood so I went home. I walked on a side street for a while so no one could see me tear up. I never fell running before and I haven't gotten scraped knees like this since I was younger and learning how to bike and roller blade. 

When I got home, I cleaned the dirt out of the wounds and put antibiotic cream on them and dressed them with band aids. I was looking down at my right leg with the huge scrape covering my entire muscle and remembered that one time last summer when you told me you lost control of your uncle's weed-wacker. I remember the picture you sent me of your leg and seeing how similar it looked to my huge scrape now. I kinda stopped what I was doing and almost teared up again from just being reminiscent. 

New York

I first heard this song two weeks ago on an episode of Grey's Anatomy. It was before one of those monologues or exchanges between two lovers that occur in typical, drama-romantic fashion and I remember bursting out sobbing. It's a beautiful song. Ugh, so beautiful. And those frickin' drums, man.

I just hope that you'll listen to this song and feel those drums and live your life and explore New York. You're always in my heart.


New York - The Boxer Rebellion

I don’t believe the things I say about us when I’m drunk

And this distance leaves a bitter taste when you’re gone

When you’re gone…

In New York, in New York, in New York

In New York.

I walk the line of great unknown but I never question this

And I’d go back to where we last met and tell you so, tell you so

In New York, in New York, in New York

In New York, in New York, in New York

In New York.

Over the Love

The Great Gatsby soundtrack drops tomorrow. I pre-ordered it and am patiently waiting for my download to be available. Florence Welch has repeatedly proven that she can do no wrong...



Over the Love - Florence + The Machine

Ever since I was a child,
I’ve turned it over in my mind.
I sang by that piano, tore my yellow dress and,
Cried and cried and cried.

And I don’t wanna see what I’ve seen,
To undo what has been done.
Turn off all the lights,
Let the morning come.

Now there’s green light in my eyes,
And my lover on my mind.
And I’ll sing from the piano, tear my yellow dress and,
Cry and cry and cry,
Over the love of you.

On this champagne, drunken hope,
Against the current, all alone,
Everybody, see, I love him.

‘Cause it’s a feeling that you get,
When the afternoon is set,
On a bridge into the city.

And I don’t wanna see what I’ve seen,
To undo what has been done.
Turn off all the lights,
Let the morning come.

Now there’s green light in my eyes,
And my lover on my mind.
And I’ll sing from the piano, tear my yellow dress and,
Cry and cry and cry.

‘Cause you’re a hard soul to save,
With an ocean in the way,
But I’ll get around it,
I’ll get around it.

‘Cause you’re a hard soul to save,
With an ocean in the way,
But I’ll get around it.

Now there’s green light in my eyes,
And my lover on my mind.
And I’ll sing from that piano, tear my yellow dress and,
Cry and cry and cry and,
Over the love of you.

Cry and cry and cry and,
Over the love of you.

Cry and cry and cry and,
(I can see the green light),
(I can see it in your eyes).

(I can see the green light),
(I can see it in your eyes).
Over the love of you.
Cry and cry and cry and cry.

(I can see the green light),
(I can see it in your eyes).
(I can see the green light),
(I can see it in your eyes).

I can see the green light,
I can see it in your eyes.
I can see the green light,
I can see it in your eyes.

I can see the green light,
I can see it in your eyes.
I can see the green light,
I can see it in your eyes.

I can see the green light,
I can see it in your eyes.
I can see the green light,
I can see it in your eyes.

But All I Heard Was Nothing

I listened to this on the way to work today...WHOMP.


Nothing - The Script

Am I better off dead?
Am I better off a quitter?
They say I'm better off now
Than I ever was with her
As they take me to my local down the street
I'm smiling but I'm dying trying not to drag my feet

They say a few drinks will help me to forget her
But after one too many I know that I'll never
Only they can’t see where this is gonna end
They all think I'm crazy but to me it's perfect sense

And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind, turn it all around

And I know that I'm drunk but I’ll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they’re slurred
So I, dialed her number and confessed to her
I'm still in love but all I heard
Was nothing (nothing, nothing, nothing)

So I stumble there, along the railings and the fences
I know if we're face to face then she'll come to her senses
Every drunk step I take leads me to her door
If she sees how much I'm hurting, she'll take me back for sure
And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind, turn it all around

And I know that I'm drunk but I’ll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they’re slurred
So I, dialed her number and confessed to her
I'm still in love but all I heard
Was nothing (nothing, nothing)

She said nothing (nothing, nothing)
Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh, I got nothing (nothing, nothing)
I got nothing (nothing, nothing)
Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing

Ohh, sometimes love's intoxicating
Ohh, you're coming down, your hands are shaking
When you realize there's no one waiting

Am I better off dead?
Am I better off a quitter?
They say I'm better off now
Than I ever was with her

And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind, turn it all around

And I know that I'm drunk but I’ll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they’re slurred
So I, dialed her number and confessed to her
I'm still in love but all I heard
Was nothing (nothing, nothing)

She said nothing (nothing, nothing)
Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh, I got nothing (nothing, nothing)
I got nothing (nothing, nothing)
Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh, I got nothing (nothing, nothing, nothing)

I got nothing [x3] 

I don't have nightmares but not sleeping is just as bad

I don't know if it's the new job stress that's causing it, but I'm having trouble sleeping so far this week. I have one more day left at the new job before I can celebrate the weekend. I haven't touched a drink this week because I want to savor my first one after an accomplished week of new work, completed spreadsheets and tired eyes that can finally rest for two days until Monday comes back around.

There's so much I wish I could share with you. So much. But I'm scared. I'm not ready. I feel like the first thing I'll say is "wha happened, mang?!"

Still the confusion lingers and I feel my heart drop into my chest when I think about it at night. There's so much focus I'm putting into my new job that I don't have time to zone out during the day. So it comes at night when I'm ready to sleep for a few hours before my alarm goes off a lot earlier than it used to. And when my heart drops as I think about things more deeply, I feel my eyes get wet under my closed eye lids.

My heart kind of stoops down to a whole new low and I feel that sadness creep back in. I shake it away but I know it'll be back and that's the pattern it'll be like at least for a while. Until I no longer think about it or wonder where you've gone off to.

I know you probably think "Jesus, can't this bitch just get the fuck over it?" But remember, you and I are very passionate about life and when we feel things they're ten times stronger than the ordinary person. It's like lightening and fireworks to us when everyone else just sees a dim fire burning.

That's something I'll always admire about you: your passion. So don't let it die no matter where you may be.

I used to be afraid to go to sleep when I was younger. I used to be afraid of the dark at that age. As I got older and started to date someone and things were on the rocks I used to be afraid to go to sleep because that meant I'd be alone and not know what tomorrow brings when a relationship was confusing and unknown. Like my fate wasn't decided. I'd forget to breathe, panic a little, and have the urge to just reach out to that person.

Later on, I'd be afraid to go to sleep if I didn't hear from you. I'd get worried as if something terrible was happening. As if the last time we'd speak would be earlier in the day and that was it. And then you would call whether it was a few minutes or a few hours after my panic-stricken moment and that feeling would subside. Sometimes I'd get crabby about it but such a sigh of relief would come over me that it didn't even matter anymore. I was just relieved to finally here from you; to hear your voice.

But now, I try to go to sleep and shut my eyes to the quiet darkness. I lay in bed, say my prayers, and try to rest knowing I won't hear from you, that you're gone without any word. That the last time we spoke I thought it wouldn't be the last time but it was. I kinda just let myself feel what I'm feeling. I don't fight it anymore, I don't panic. I just let it happen until it goes away long enough for my mind to shut down and I fall asleep. It may be late but it eventually happens haha.

I don't know what's worse: falling asleep soundly but waking to a terrible nightmare or losing sleep because my mind is stuck on the confusion and hurt of an emotionally traumatic experience. Either way, I end up losing. But I wake up every day, knowing it's new and I gotta get through it to survive. Then another night rolls around and the pattern continues until things get easier.

It's getting late. I should try to sleep.

:( why

It's late at night and I really want to text you. I miss you. And it sucks.

I sometimes wonder...

Yesterday was the first day that it actually felt like spring. 64 degrees and sunny. Oh, how I can't wait to take my lunch breaks outside and people watch in the city soon. The weekend forecasts clear skies at night where you can actually see the stars.

I can't remember the last time I looked up at the sky to see any stars. My dad told me they were out last night. Looks like they'll be out all weekend so star-gazing here I come.

I often wonder about you still. I mean, I can't help it. The wound is still fresh and picking at it now will only have it bleed. I can't help but wonder why still. I won't get any answer, I know, but I can't help but think as to how and why you could, would, or should have done that.

Like you've heard me say before, I'm not mad...just curious :)

We all have a plan of action in life and it's up to us whether we want that plan in motion or not. I don't know what yours was and I may never know. But I do know that you are fully capable of walking away without a sound. Like Pilate, you can wash your hands clean and be done with it. "Not my problem," you would probably say.

And it probably isn't because you can filter what feelings you want to feel and what ones you don't, and I am something you can filter out with ease. My feelings aren't yours so you don't have to worry about anything especially if you don't want to. Right?

You claim to have told many people close to you about me. I have done the same. It doesn't matter what you tell them. I'm not going to meet them anyways. You could tell them that I was the one who stood you up, who didn't respond, that I was the one who pulled away out of nowhere, who hurt you this time. It doesn't matter.

I'm honest with my friends about it. They know how I'm accepting things as they are even though it still hurts sometimes. I don't know what is to happen to the invisible red string we shared. I'm not sure if its broken or still intact and just tangled up right now. Maybe we'll never know. But on these clear spring nights, I'll look up at the stars and wonder.

A Letter

Hi,

I haven't spoken to you since last Wednesday. I'm actually not sure if I could consider last Wednesday the last time we spoke considering you were really busy at work and we only texted briefly during the day before you never responded to my last text or last phone call later that evening. You didn't answer my question about taking you to dinner on your birthday, which was the next day. And part of me expected not to see you but another part of me didn't expect not ever hearing from you again. I'm not mad. Just really sad, obviously hurt, and missing you. My friends probably think I'm crazy for doing so but... Actually, they're not. They know what I'm going through and are there to support me no matter what they do or don't disagree with.

Part of me is also confused since we were completely fine. I wouldn't necessarily say I was blind-sided; part of me did think something like this would happen again but I still held onto that glimmer of hope that I've been trying really hard to hold onto after more than a year of having you in my life. One thing I do want you to realize is that I gave you that time of myself that I can't get back. No mulligans in real life; I don't get a do over and if I do, it's in the present time. There's no rewinds to days we can regret or start over. So now, it's all about reflecting on that hurt, and being alone in the process. There's no candy in my phone I can call up to give me attention or to distract me from thinking about you. It won't do me any good and I wouldn't grow from that.

Allowing myself to feel this pain and facing it like a fear is what I have to do in order to accept things how they are, to move on as a better version of myself, and to eventually embrace this entire pain-ridden but at times joyful experience as a learning curve (joyful in a sense that you did make me happy, supported me, and listened to me the way any partner would for someone they love). I guess in order to really grow and change you have to take detour backwards a little bit, which is what I did. So I'm not at the place I wanted to be come time for my 24th birthday. I thought I'd be in a different place but things don't always go as planned (kinda like dinner). Unfortunately, learning from it now is going to be as challenging as it was to learn how to ride a bike. It's going to be challenging because of the time and emotion I've invested into you. The funny thing is that I gave you more than I had given anyone that I've actually dated. And I mean that. I shared so much of myself with you, who's been invisible to me the entire time I knew you.

I know you didn't want to hurt me again but things happen for a reason, and people will surprise you. For some reason, you couldn't tell me what was going on. I figured you'd let me know if you were too busy to talk as to not have me worried like you know I get when I don't hear from you for hours on end. But I don't know what you're going through right now. I don't know if I'll ever know. I do worry about you but what can I do? I can't sit there and call you numerous times telling you I'm worried because you decided to not contact me. And you haven't let me in enough to even get to the point where I can come to your rescue - I have no idea where you are.

You've told me that you never lied to me about anything and that you've always been honest with me, something that normal relationships sometimes lack. "Normal" in a sense that the two people see each other, spend time together and aren't separated by wireless signals and buttons on a screen the entire time they connected with each other. I used to wish for you to just be completely honest with me about everything. About why I can't see you, about anything you're hiding from me, about why you completely stopped talking to me without any explanation; a valid explanation. As much as it hurts anyone to not know the real answers to life's questions, it's something we just have to accept. And I need to accept that I will never know who you really are, where you really are, and what really happened to you even though I'll wonder.

Again, I'm not mad at you. And I've told my friends that. I've told my mom too. I'm just confused and hurt as to why a connection so strong and good (considering we were on good terms up until I never heard from you) would completely die out of nowhere. I oftentimes question why and what happened to us but sometimes questions can never be answered right away or at all for that matter. It's something I need to accept.

I hope that one day you truly get to that point where the stresses of your life don't collide with goals you want to accomplish. I know you get overwhelmed sometimes but I do believe you did come a long way from where you were, whether I was in your life or not. We both can agree that I pushed you more than any other person both in good ways and bad ones. I made you take off blind folds you had on, but you also became a strong enough person to take them off yourself. You may not want to admit that but I do believe that's true. And I'm happy for you.

I don't know how God is working on me but He is. And He's working on you too. My dad told me that God gives us each a cross that's tailor-made just for us. Kinda like how the wand picked Harry Potter. Only God knows how things will turn out. No matter how impatient we get with His plan, He knows how our lives will turn out. And we need to embrace it rather than fear it. And I've been living in fear of the future for far too long. "It's not gonna be easy, and sometimes it'll be hard. But it's going to be right," my dad said. And I truly believe that what we BOTH have gone through will help us become better individuals. I genuinely did mean it when I said I hope all of your wishes come true on your birthday. And it may not happen right away but eventually your life will fall into place the way you wanted it to.

Love,
Jules

I Care

I don't know where I'm going with this and I don't know how to put my emotions into words yet. But I just want you to listen to this song. Beyonce knows how to put my feelings into song kinda like Ellie Goulding.


I Care - Beyonce

[She's] Just Not That Into You

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy [or girl] and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a [girl], maybe...it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is...just...moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope."

Happy first day of Spring 2013!

Like these cows, we should all rejoice...WATCH!


Holland dairy cows released to pasture after a long winter

Thursday G-Chat with MK

Love this clown...

Me:  sooo...i think this is what you were trying to translate last night http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/13/pope-francis-gay-marriage-anti_n_2869221.html hahaha "Oh Jules! I think the Catholic Church is making strides toward gays and lesbians!" lol you make me laugh on the reg

MaryKate:  I never said I was fluent in Spanish

Me:  mmkay

MaryKate:  hahaha oops

Me:  lol

MaryKate:  sorry to get your hopes up

Me:  don't worry the Catholic Church doesn't rule the world...Beyonce does and cat videos

MaryKate:  fact!

Clown

Just one of those days...


Clown - Emeli Sande

I'd be smiling if I wasn't so desperate
I'd be patient if I had the time
I could stop and answer all of your questions
As soon as I find out 
How I can move from the back of the line

I'll be your clown
Behind the glass
Go 'head and laugh
Cause it's funny
I would too if I saw me
I'll be your clown
On your favourite channel
My life's a circus circus
Round in circles
I'm selling out tonight...

Running for Cover

I feel as if you can love me for an hour and leave shortly after. You can tell me how you feel but when I want to know you more you won't let me. You won't share if I ask and only will under the guise of a sleepless night or a worry of your own. I'm the one telling you not to worry even though my heart has its own pain to mend. I'll tell you I'm hesitant but won't admit that I'm scared. I haven't cried on my pillow so hard in a while. This is just a hiccup on a long road to heal.


Running for Cover - Ivan & Aloysha

We've been trying with each other to unravelly age your own story
But I'm starting to think that there's a reason we don't understand
And it's easy to blame someone else for my wants and my worries
But I know, I accept that it's just a part of who I am.

Now we're running for cover
Running to hide
And you say it's not my problem
I decide out of mind.

Yes, we're running for cover
Yeah, we're running afraid
As we run with one another
Of the mess that we've made.

Talk to me when you're ready to move forward (with me) and not hide from me <3 

It's okay.

I learned a really important piece advice when I went home for Christmas a few months ago. I went to visit my friend from high school. She lives in one of those recovery houses with a few other young girls battling different kinds of addictions. She's doing really well so far and despite a few hiccups along the way, I know she's on her way back to the straight and narrow.

One of my friend's roommates was talking and said something that has stuck with me ever since then...

"When you're at your bottom, there comes a point in time where you just stop digging."

I literally got goosebumps when I heard her say that. I felt as if I was digging for something for pretty much a year. I was digging for truth, for assurance, for hope, for an answer why, for pretty much anything to help me wrap my mind around why certain things have happened last year. Were they coincidences? Was I being messed with? Who is this? Where are you? Why are you doing this to me? Will we be okay? When can I see you? What are you afraid of?

You gave me answers but sometimes I still felt confused. I knew if I pushed you to the edge for understanding you'd get upset with me, you'd get frustrated. I always worried and that put you off. When we have the least control over something we try our hardest to figure it out. And some people have the tendency to give up; to say "fuck this" and move on. However, since I'm of the persistent type, I kept going. I kept digging.

And when I heard the quote above I couldn't stop thinking about it. What was I doing wrong? I kept digging myself deeper into a hole of confusion and sadness; a hole to the unknown. I could get hurt or I could get what I always wanted where the digging would be all worth it.

But as the new year approached, I put down the shovel and stopped digging. And to stop after all the work I've done, the patience, the praying, the crying, the longing, was something very new to me. I felt as if I was now letting the unknown happen. To say I gave up on you is not valid because I didn't. In a sense, you let me go. And although it was extremely painful to accept from someone like you, I had to do it for both our sakes. I felt that if fate allowed it, it would happen and I couldn't force you to love me the way I wanted you to. You had things to deal with, fears to battle and a life of your own to improve and make better. I had to do the same because although I thought I spent the year bettering myself, I was simply putting it off and worrying about you instead. Because investing time into worrying whether I'll be able to move forward with you the way I wanted it to happen, the way we planned for it to happen, the way you told me if would happen, was more important than accepting failure and defeat.

Of course there were tears even after the shovel was put down. But in order to even fathom a life with or without you in the future, I had to dig myself out of the hole. This was my year to start over, work on myself and the things I wanted to accomplish for me. I had to do this in order to not only be a better version of me but to hopefully come back to you, at a better time, and start over. That's if you wanted that as well...

There were times and still are times where I think maybe you won't miss me. Maybe you'll forget about me and move on and be able to give someone else what I wanted, what I yearned for. Eventually your feelings for me will dissipate. Thoughts of you being with other people crushed me but I conditioned myself to understand and accept those possibilities.

Of course seeing someone we love love someone else is something very painful and hard to accept. But rather than being angry with you for everything that you've done to me, I was learning to accept that pain, learn from it, grow from it, and know that in the future my life will no longer be filled with this sadness.

I'm not angry, or bitter, or resentful for everything that happened. Some people think I should be, but why should I waste my time constantly being angry at you when I know I'm better than that? You may think you deserve this; that you deserve to be hated by me. But I won't waste my sadness on the past. I can't expect to move forward if I do. I care about you deeply and I pray for you regularly despite what you may think.

Although I'm still curious about some things and I hope for some things to happen, I have to let that come naturally. Again, I never gave up on you and writing you off is something that I won't do even if I did that in previous relationships. I want us both to better our lives and love ourselves first. And I think when we do that and hopefully come back to each other it'll be a beautiful thing. It's okay what happened last year. It's okay if you hurt me. It's okay if you made me cry. We all have to learn from all sorts of pain and when we can accept that, we can learn to grow. I'll think of you even when your eyes don't twitch, and I want us to get out of these holes together. And I have a feeling that we will.

"I pray that you find piece of mind, and I'll find you another time. I'll love you another time." - Ellie Goulding.

"Everything comes full circle for you in 2013"

WARNING: PLEASE PLAY THIS SONG FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT BEFORE READING:

The image below is also one of those examples where you say to yourself, "Really? Really."

I thought for a bit before I responded. I didn't really know what to think at first. So after sleeping on it, still confused about why she texted me, this song came to mind...

I Love It - Icona Pop

Ellie Goulding's "Halcyon"

hal-cy-on
adjective: denoting a period of time in the past that was idyllically happy and peaceful.
noun: a tropical Asian and African kingfisher (genus Halcyon) with brightly colored plumage.

Thanks, Google but I don't think Ellie was singing about pretty birds.

The album is #boss. It pretty much is the musical sauce I would totally slap onto some finger-licking ribs that would morph into a magical xylophone I could play when I'm feeling down. What?

The album speaks volumes in the span of 46 minutes and the listener can and will encounter numerous emotions, preferably those related to love, when listening to it. I actually really enjoy when artists of any kind turn a traumatic or sad time in their lives into something very creative whether it be art, music, film, etc. Therapy at it's finest. Liz Colville calls it, "a breakup album for the ages."

Aside from "Lights", which is really catchy, I kinda sorta knew who she was from work she's done with Tinie Tempah and Skrillex. The album came out in October 2012 and I remember I downloaded some of the tunes shortly after it released.  I remember when I heard "My Blood" for the first time, not only did I immediately relate to it but I also put it on my running playlist. It's actually a very magical experience when you're running and this song comes on. It strangely acts as a musical motivator when you're sweaty and exhausted and all you wanna do is stop and Ellie is singing, "And God knows I'm not dying but I bleed now / And God knows it's the only way to heal now / With all the blood I lost with you / It drowns the love I thought I knew" and you get this second wind thinking, "I can totally run more! Screw you, [insert name of whoever this song reminds you of]! I am woman here me roar!"

I remember talking to my friend Katie about the album..."It makes the hurt not hurt so bad," I told her. And it's true. In an interview Goulding had with The Sun, she says the album is "a journey from dark to light," considering it was released a year after her breakup with Radio 1 DJ Greg James.

AND SINCE PLENTY OF TWENTYSOMETHING FEMALES GO THROUGH THAT WTF PERIOD OF THEIR LIVES - CASE IN POINT THIS BUZZFEED ARTICLE THAT HAS BEEN SHOWN TO ME BY 3 OF MY FRIENDS IN THE SPAN OF 24 HOURS - I THINK THE ALBUM SAYS A LOT THAT ONE CAN RELATE TO.

Goulding has this way of making a song sound synth-folk-pop-electronic but in a good way. Her lyrics are powerful and personal. As if you're traveling through a dark period and waiting to find that light at the end of the tunnel. I downloaded more of the tunes recently and I feel like a vanilla-scented unicorn with a fresh mane ready to run through rainbow colored grass. Internally at least. All in all, it's so good and it can get you through the tough stuff!

This is one of the favorite songs and the music video is beautiful...
Explosions - Ellie Goulding

There are only so many words I can use to describe this album. But the only one coming to mind right now is helpful. So thanks, Ellie.

By the by: Totally mentioned this to someone before but if I'm going to have a little girl when I'm older, I want her name to be Ellie. AND THIS WAS WAYYY BEFORE I EVEN HEARD OF E. GOULDING!

So if you're feeling like love can just fuck-all, especially with Valentine's Day coming up, listen to Halcyon. It'll literally make you feel ten times better.