You Can Have My Laptop But You Can't Take My Crop Tops! How I Was Burglarized

It's a sucky feeling when you have things stolen from you. Sometimes these can be retrieved but most of the time you'll never get these things back. Virginity included. Poof. Gone. Forever. And you never really think about it until it actually happens. I don't think I, or anyone else for that matter, wake up and think "Hmm, I think I'm going to get robbed today!" The constant routine one has prevents the idea of such a terrible thing happening. But it happens more often than you would think. And it happened to me...yesterday. (And no, I’m not talking about my virginity…that treasure chest was smuggled by an evil mermaid a long time ago. Ahoy, mates!)
 

I started my week off on a decent note. I turned my work computer on to see an e-mail from Thought Catalog about my submission being posted onto the site. My first ever. I wasn't expecting it. The praise from my friends was really appreciative and despite the depressing nature of the post, I was happy to know my support system enjoyed my writing. I worked my typical 9-5 job, went to the gym, and walked home like I always do. Until I noticed one of the locks on my door was unlocked. I ALWAYS lock my deadbolt. Always. So I figured when I push the door open, the deadbolt would stop it from opening all the way. Nope. Deadbolt was unlocked too.

There, on my couch laid the remnants of a backpack he/she/they took along with my laptop (5k+ music files), iPod (same said music files), watch (Marc Jacobs), my mother's engagement ring (crying), my grandmother's gold pinky ring (CRYING), and some earrings (whatever, Forever 21) I had in a small wooden box on top of my dresser. All of the old student IDs, gift cards, and expired insurance cards I kept in an old wallet inside my dresser drawer were spread across my bed. They even took the liberty of taking all the coins out of the same wallet. Down to the last coin those fuckers went.

I noticed my back window, which I would keep ajar to let air circulate through, had gross hand prints all over that wall. So I assume it was team job since the window had to have been more than 6 feet above the ground outside. Someone must've been hoisted up inside, moved the window screen and then buzzed an accomplice in through my front door, hence it being unlocked when I came home. The initial feeling was complete confusion and shock. I had no idea where to even begin, but I took a quick scan of where they searched and quickly realized they took the things of most value.

 

Phew! My crop tops are still here. That's good. Oh, and that sundress from Australia. Awesome, still here, I thought. But my family heirlooms and my beloved, extensive music library that I treated like my child were taken. Realizing this, I paced the room, and I started slightly hyperventilating as I dialed my mom’s number. My voice was shaking, hell, my whole body kind of shook just from seeing all of my shit all over the place. Even I don’t make that much of a mess when I come home wasted after I night out.

The culprit(s) went all out, going through my personal things, being in an apartment that is MY intimate space, and taking what they could while I was gone. It's almost scary knowing that. Actually, it's fucking terrifying. I did all of the necessary steps: called the police, called my landlord, called my mom, called my best friend who lived nearby, ran a police report, had detectives come over to dust for prints, and scheduled things for my landlord to fix, and drank three glasses of red wine. I slept at my best friend's place that night. Just knowing I would be sleeping in the middle of crime scene alone sounded a little creepy. Feeling as if I couldn't bring people over after having something happening like this made me feel anxious. How would anyone feel safe here after knowing something like this? I thought. Wondering if it would happen again gave me nightmares.

I spent the rest of the evening accepting the fact that those material things and I had to part ways. It was unfortunate obviously but the most important thing about all of this was that I wasn't there while it was happening. Whether it was a group of kids with nothing better to do or just a bunch of lousy drug-hyped creeps finding things to pawn off for their next fix, who knew what they could've or would've done if I was there in my bra and underwear frying eggs on my stove top and playing techno music on blast.

The reality of the situation is that these things happen everywhere. I wasn't even the first person in my building that it happened to - the police officer who came over told me about the same thing happening upstairs a few weeks ago. I thank God that I didn't get hurt. My family and friends who found out and called/texted to see if I was okay reminded me of how sacred life really is. Knowing that you're cared about like that is a good feeling, and that's something even the grimiest of smugglers can't steal.

On a lighter note, I was texting my friend while the detective was dusting for fingerprints and I had a laundry rack with some bras and other delicate garments that were hanging there drying and this was the exchange:

Me: My laundry is hanging in the kitchen. Great they know what kind of bras I wear.

Her: Hahaha I'm sure they've seen worse

Me: Well my old vibrator was sprawled out on my couch when they searched thru my backpack so the robber knows I'm into that shit

Her: Hahahahaha

As the great Vince Vaughn said in Wedding Crashers: "LOCK IT UP!"

 

We Will Never Stop Learning

This is the first time I've written in about eight months. I heard somewhere that writing when you're sad is actually therapeutic but that could be a topic for debate. Everyone has their own way of coping. Mine so happens to be writing. Or at least I thought it was. My last post was from last December and I'm not too sure what I'd written (because I'm too embarrassed to look at it now) but I still have an idea of how I felt and it wasn't great. It's as if I have glimpses of what happened still playing in my head but the record is kind of scratchy. Overall, the feeling I felt back then is still remembered. And I think overtime, I learned how to cope without writing about whatever was bothering me. Or maybe I was just too sad to write. It doesn't really matter what happened in the past because I'm writing now and I'm talking to absolutely no one and I'm writing furiously for absolutely no fucking reason about writing when you're sad.

So back to what I was talking about...

I recently read a Thought Catalog article called There is Beauty In Learning by Monica Stout. To sum up the post (and to force you to take time out of your busy schedule to actually read the damn thing), it basically captured the God-awful truth to a lot of things we hold so close to our hearts...yeah, I'm talking about that thing called l-o-v-e. Gross. Just kidding. But it really said in an honest, sincere way that sometimes love is heartbreaking and all that bullshit about wanting things we can't have is actually quite true. And it's something we learn from no matter how good or bad the situation was.

As much as we want to constantly be hopeful for positive things in our future, sometimes we still hold onto the past because we cherished those times so much. At least the good parts that is. We're so blinded by all of the amazing things that happened that we fail to see the things that went wrong. We think we can't get it ever again or that no one loves us or will love us. And that what happened is a set in stone kind of thing (when sometimes it always isn't). I honestly think (and when I say "honestly" it's because I'm not feeling like shit at the moment) these moments of sadness or hopelessness stem from the fear of starting over. Back to the drawing board. Not knowing what the fuck to do, where to start, how to cope, or to even get out of bed. I feel like an asshole because there are so many other people in the world that have a reason to not get out of bed: a loved one dying, having an unwanted miscarriage, or just having a legit case of depression. And here I am, feeling like an infant not knowing how to even function because I'm so sad.

As much as I hear it from my friends, this kinda stuff takes time. It's an epic hangover of feeling like your heart just got ran over and now it's in the street and you can't really scrape it off the pavement because there's too much traffic. Sorry for the gruesome imagery but you get the idea.

And yeah, maybe I'm one of those types of people that just feel "way too much" over the littlest things and I'm certainly not one to get over things quickly or take bad news lightly when first told. But I don't think that's a bad thing. I could easily have other worse qualities like not having any feelings at all over someone I've hurt, or doing things out of spite or to seek revenge; all things that would seem normal or a way of coping with pain, but I know in my heart is so wrong to do so I don't.

I've learned after heartbreaking instances that in order to actually get over something that hurts so much, is to almost face it like a fear. I've let myself sit in my own pain for periods of time when I didn't know how to handle it. It's like watching a scary movie to get over the fact that the Boogie Man doesn't actually exist under your bed or if you chant "Bloody Mary" three times, she won't appear out of thin air and eat you. It's almost like allowing yourself to feel like shit and realizing that shitty feeling is real and it won't go away until you've accepted it. And there are so many things that happened in my life that unfortunately I had to accept, no matter how many times I've been told differently (this is where you should probably read the link above). And this is a process that I'm going through now. It's like I'm facing demons of reality that are so hard to accept but it's almost like I have to in order to move on, or to at least get out of bed in the morning at a more decent time without thinking to myself "here's to another day of feeling shit so just try to survive it."

Sometimes the answers to our simple questions will never be known. People can easily walk away and wash their hands clean of a situation without ever dealing with it, only leaving the other parties involved with the mess to clean up. Sometimes love will last and other times it was only experienced for a fleeting moment, a moment which a lot of us wished would have lasted forever. Closure is something only hoped for but never always guaranteed. Sitting down and talking about feelings is something people just don't have time to do anymore and that isn't anyone's fault.

There are so many things I wish to know but I'll never get the answers to. I've learned to accept that. Or at least I'm TRYING to accept it. I'll still go through up and downs and twists and turns and never know the reason as to what it is all happening. And I'll never know why things happen the way they do - that's just life. That's the hardest thing about life.

One thing one of my best friends Tori told me a few weeks ago is "there's no reason for you to go through it alone." And she was absolutely right. So although I'm the one who's dealing with whatever is making me feel sad, I'm surrounding myself with probably the best people in my life who I never needed this badly before. At the same time, these amazing people that I rely on so much will not always be available when I'm going through a tough time because they have lives too and other loved ones to take care of.

This is the part where facing monsters called "fear," "anxiety," "uncertainty," and "sadness" have to be fought all on one's own. And it's monsters like these that you'll have to fight either one by one (think of it like different levels of your favorite video game...that's the nerd in me) or all at the same time. In the past, I'd use to suppress these feelings with distraction - alcohol, going out, seeking attention from people I didn't really want attention from but knew I could get it, and literally any other way that would erase any thought of whatever it was that was bothering me. But these were just temporary fixes. Because sooner or later, I'd find myself all alone and not knowing what to do. And that's where I really would panic. Because the last thing you want to do is deal with something you didn't wanna deal with. We were taught "the easy way out" in most situations. But as I've grown up and gone through heartbreak after heartbreak, I've realized that running away from a painful experience and not accepting it and letting yourself heal from it will only bring you back to the situation from where you started. It's like running laps and not knowing when is the race is actually over.

I still forget to breathe somedays and other times I'll get bursts of energy and motivation to feel absolutely optimistic only to be followed by a few seconds of worry and doubt of what's to happen in the future. But this is all part of the process; all part of MY process.

So I'm still learning to relax and let go. I'm still learning to accept things out of my control. I'm still learning to love people despite what they've done to me or to my self-worth. I'm still learning to be confident and to be able to stand alone when I have nowhere else to go. I'm still learning to be completely alone sometimes especially when it's scary. I'm still learning to hope again that one day everything I've ever wanted for myself will fall into place at the right time and in the right moment. Learning to accept that I will not know when that time is, is probably the most important thing to learn from all of this.

QOTD

"We all experience pockets of time in life when we gracefully and slowly sail toward a spiritual 'rock bottom,' or spiral toward it clumsily at lightning speed. But the rate of the fall isn't nearly as important as the evidence that we're awakened by the process. Because sensing that process, a shift in our core alignment and purpose, and grabbing a hold of it along the way shows us that we want to illuminate our true selves and share it with the world. It demonstrates that we may be off of the course on which we thought we belonged but we're open to the new one that's being paved. And even when the balloon appears to have flown so far off into the distance we can hardly see it, we'll navigate the toughest roads and scale the highest mountains until we grasp it again."

From "Gabrielle Berstein: A Dose of Wisdom, Tips, and Spirituality"
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/victoria-oldridge/gabrielle-bernstein-a-dose-of-wisdom-tips-and-spirituality_b_4338313.html

Color Aura Test

I noticed on someone's Facebook status results from a quiz they took. I usually don't pay any attention to quiz results on the Internet, let alone someone else's. It was a quiz about the true color of one's aura. An aura is apparently an energy or a quality that surrounds one's person. Something you don't literally see someone shooting out of their body like a bright light but rather an emanation or "vibe" in my own words. I was a bit skeptical but after I took the quiz and read my results, I was like "Damnnnn that is me!" Here are my results and I guess if you know me, you see if this fits me:

Blue

Your Aura is Blue!

Personality: Blue’s are very loyal and can be the truest friend any aura could hope to find. On the inside, blues tend to be emotional and even a bit moody. However, you know that other auras depend on you, so you put on a strong front. They tend to live a quiet but enriching life. Blues are very giving of them and is hard to let go of relationships. They believe the key to living a good life is simple: Be as honest with yourselves and others as possible. They value the truth over everything else. Blue will remain loyal to those who are honest with them, even if their honesty hurts. Compared to most other auras, blues handle the truth very well. They take every event into stride. Blues are the calm spot in a sea of chaos. They think that the solution to most problems is open communication; they wish that people would be more real with each other. A Blue personality uses its five physical senses to access information. An emotionally driven personality, you need to be liked and accepted. It is one of the "needs" that can cause apprehension in your personality. You are a polite, cooperative person who seeks to create conflict-free surroundings. You possess highly developed powers of observation. Family is important to you and you sometimes find yourself in the role of being a caretaker. You are conservative, reliable and trustworthy - you are quite trusting of others although you are very wary in the beginning until you are sure of the other person. You are not impulsive- you always think before you speak and act and do everything at your own pace in your own time. You take time to process and share your feelings. You are genuine and sincere, and you take your responsibilities seriously. You have a deep need for peace and harmony in your everyday life. You appear to be confident and self-controlled, but may be hiding your vulnerable side. You are generally fairly even-tempered, unless your emotions take over - then you can become either moody and over-emotional, or cool and indifferent. You are sensitive to the needs of others. While you are friendly and sociable, you prefer the company of your own close group of friends. You are a rescuer and love to be needed. You can be rigid - you like to stick to what is familiar to you- you stubbornly do things your way even if there is a better way. Untidiness and unpredictability overwhelm you. You don't like to draw attention to yourself. While you don't like to have discord or conflict in your life, you are often the cause of conflict with others; you can be quite manipulative but in a very subtle way. You make a loyal and faithful marriage partner and you are an honest, trustworthy and sincere friend. You are aware of others feelings and sensitive to the moods of others. You are approachable and friendly, always making people feel welcome in your life. You have a thirst for knowledge in order to gain wisdom and appear knowledgeable in whatever area interests you. You can be too cautious and worry about every little thing.

Love Life: Relationships are your top priority, and this includes love. You are most happy when you are serious with someone.

Yellow: Too annoying to even take a liking to

Pink: You are very lucky if Pink even pays attention to you, their reputation may be in the way to start a relationship with them

Green: Another perfect match for blue! They have one of those personalities that make you want to be around them all the time.

Orange: They believe they are way too good for blues, which is not true at all!!

Purple: Without Blue there would not even be a purple, they are the best bet at finding your soul mate

White: Their studies get in the way from every flirtatious move you make to them

Perfect Color Love Match: Red: Committed and Passionate they are definitely a good mate 

Friendship Color: When you and purple are together no one can stop you!

Color Opposite:Your color wheel opposite is Orange. Orange people may be opinionated, but you feel they lack the depth to truly understand what they're saying

Words that Describe Blue: Emotional, Affected, Sensitive, Peaceful, Tranquil, Connected, Spiritual, Experimental, and Deep

Purpose of Life:Showing Love to Other People

To take the quiz and find out the true (or "true" if you're skeptical) color of your aura, here is the link: http://www.quotev.com/quiz/1366538/What-is-Your-True-Color-Aura/ 

Say Something

It only took me a few days too long to find out what a great song this is. Unfortunately it's sad...in a good way. I'm not sure if that makes sense: Things that are sad in a good way. I feel as if music is one of the few things that encompasses sad but beautiful pieces of art. Well, now I guess art could also be considered sad but beautiful. Whatever.

The song is pretty tragic, I'm not gonna lie. I watched the live performance on last night's AMAs and even I was on the verge of tears and it was the first time I heard the song. My roommate's mom actually cried watching it. I'm surprised I was able to hold it together. The lyrics basically explain the song - according to Tris McCall of New Jersey's The Star Ledger, "Axel’s narrator is delivering an ultimatum to somebody he doesn’t want to give up on, but feels that he has to for the sake of his own sanity. It’s left unclear why, but there are strong hints in the song that the person who is being addressed is addicted to something." Both members of A Great Big World, Chad Vaccarino and Ian Axel, were suffering from their own personal heartbreaks when working on the song together, so in a way it was sort of like therapy for them. 

It was kind of painful listening to the lyrics. The song is beautiful but the lyrics are just so fucking honest. I mean, how many times have you or someone you know been in a situation where you are really at your wit's end with someone but you can't give up on them? Or you refuse to give up on them? But what it really is doing is tearing you up inside, making you feel like your emotions are getting torn like little pieces of paper by some really frustrating child who won't stop tearing up those pieces of paper. It's like "Can you please, stop ripping up that paper? That's like my mind, body and soul you're tearing up right now and I have NO CLUE as to why you're doing that." All the while, the stupid kid won't listen nor will they stop smiling at your sadness. Okay, I got a little too carried away but how else can you explain that sort of pain. Like really? How?!

As painful as it is to love someone where you really don't benefit from the repercussions to follow, sometimes you really just have to put yourself first. And that...is really fucking scary. When you've done all you can and there's nothing you can do can help this person, whether it's an emotional struggle or physical ailment, you have to let go. And that's tough in many different degrees for everyone. It's really, frickin' tough. 

The music video (which you will be able to enjoy below, or maybe not so much enjoy) touches upon three different stories that the song can essentially be about: heartbreak, loneliness, and loss. Prepare to wipe your face because snot is going to come out of it when you cry at this number. And it's okay to think about your own life and relate to the song and feel a little sad after. You're allowed. Lyrics are underneath.


Say Something - A Great Big World & Christina Aguilera\

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
And anywhere, I would have followed you.
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I'm giving up on you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
Say something...

Truth Bomb Tuesday

Stay positive. 

Tyler Knott Gregson

I didn't hear of this poet until I saw some of his stuff on Pinterest and Instagram.

If you're ever feeling down or stuck...

Yeah, I'm pissed off...

But there's not point of talking about it. Just gonna post this shit...

Those nights...

...how they can be unpredictable sometimes. "Let it go, Jules" is what I should tell myself. "Tomorrow is a new day."

And the things you find on Pinterest late at night. To me, this says it all because love isn't seamless, effortless, or easy. Adjust your sails accordingly.

I'm learning. 

Kaboom.

I think this quote describes me perfectly. I'm clearly not graceful and I have a tendency of reacting before responding, often causing conflicts to arise. I'm not perfect, I'm sensitive, I'm selfish when I think I'm being empathetic and more times than not, I "can't seem to have a normal conversation." I talk to people who like to brush things under the rug, or don't wanna deal with it. I try to be understanding but clearly I'm not a therapist and when I try to listen, I fail. When I give "philosophical" advice as I was once told, it just seems to not be good enough; it seems to be just too deep. No matter what comes out of my mouth, people don't have the patience or understanding themselves to get what I'm saying. Underneath my selfish and insecure exterior they fail to recognize some who cares. When you're pissed, I'm not in a good mood. When you're sad, it's hard for me to be in good spirits. 

But what's funny to me is that when I try, the other person gives up on me. They get irritated, they no longer wanna talk to someone who would stay on the phone all through the night if that's what made them feel better. But when I'm the one who needs somebody, they don't have time. If my anxiety was at an all time high, I have been told to "let it go" when all I need are some simple kind words of understanding. And no, I don't need to be "babied" or coddled 24/7. But don't expect me to respond well to someone telling me I'm irritating when I know I have shit to work on. Don't tell me to suck it up when I would never tell you to let go of your trauma, your pain, your problems. I'm not looking for a pity party since I throw great ones on my own. And don't think I'm never given tough love ("You did this to yourself" as my dad put it one time last winter when I wasn't doing well) because I'm well accustomed to it. 

In the end, I make sacrifices, and I can't get that same trying attitude from the other person. I'm hard-headed and I can't seem to find someone who is willing to understand me. 

Call this a pity post if you want, but I'm human and I have feelings. It's my blog, I can make it about me if I want to. 

SYS (See Ya S***)

The last time I heard from you, you weren’t shy about telling me what I was: too intense, too kind, too nice all the time, too sensitive, too deep, too “philosophical” (I’d like to think I’m Pinteresting but whatevs); that I was insecure about where I stood with you, that I was insecure among the other girls you were talking to, that I threw myself at you, that I texted too much.

From what I recall about the texting, you asked me months ago if I enjoyed talking to you and I told you my answer. I asked you the same question and you told me your answer. I didn’t want to bother you and you assured me that I wasn’t. We can agree to disagree on the amount of time we spent texting but you would not hesitate to respond. And after a while you were initiating conversation with me whether it was through a random text or a snapchat. I gave you space when we didn’t talk. I gave you time to talk to the other girls you were interested in while I continued living my life, while I continued letting you live yours, and while I continued waiting for you to let me know when it was convenient for you to hang.

That was an issue: the other girls you were talking to. You were completely honest about that from the beginning. I was kind of jealous, taken aback by your honesty, but accepted things for what they were at the time no matter how hard that was. I was looking for a healthy, exclusive relationship. You wanted to have fun. I couldn’t knock it til I tried so I was willing to give it a go. Maybe what I needed was just a little fun right? I had enough confidence to not care to know anything about them when the other two (which later became three girls) wanted to know so much about me. You said, “Of all the girls, you’re the only one who doesn’t ask about the other two, why is that?” My response: “Because I’m not interested in them. I’m interested in you.” If that’s not confidence then I don’t know what is.

What baffles me is that you were not afraid to tell me all of the things that were wrong with me on top of telling me the great things about Alexa and Claire. Alexa has the perfect body and is so smart and went to Duke and passed the bar and has a nice butt. Claire is funny and can fuck around in conversation and sends you snapchats all the time. They were both DTF and not boring. And with that said, that doesn’t leave much room for me now does it? What do I even say to that? If I was throwing myself at you like you claimed, I would've tried to one-up them with my stealth six pack abs (which I don't have but my tummy is looking better these days then before) or how I'm "fluent" in 6 languages, one of them being Sarcasm.

What makes me so unique that I’m incomparable to these other two girls if you’ve found what you’re looking for in them? Is it because I’m kind and genuine? Is it because I motivated you to be a better you? Is it because I didn’t get angry when you relapsed? Is it because I listened, I gave sound advice, I sent you music and wished you a goodnight? Is it because you have no plan of seeing me and I’m disposable whenever you choose to be done? Or is it because at the end of the day, when no one is giving you the time of day and lifting you up in ways you can only get from me, there I am for you to seek solace from. You say that I'm "different" then the other two but you just can't seem to figure out what it is. I am just so mysterious but not enough to keep you curious for too long since you claim to know me, which you don't. At all.

I feel as if you spent more time telling me what you didn’t like about me then what you did like. You spent more time berating who I was personality-wise then accepting me for who I am. You spent more time telling me what girls did that you enjoyed, assuming that since I liked you a lot, I would change in accordance to your standards because although you did like me and you were attracted to me, I was still not good enough. Just because I find intelligence more stimulating than talking about sexual deviance, I guess that makes me "too deep" for wanting to connect with someone on an intellectual level. What? I find brains to be sexy and if you can keep my interest with your brain then I'm sure you can keep my interest in the bedroom. All in all it would be a win-win.

And if you found yourself torn between so many people, why should I change for you if I’m not the only one that’s on your mind? I’m conditional. I’m an option. I’m not your favorite flavor. You finally understood at one point, or at least I’d like to think you did, that you wanted to have your cake and eat it too. You wanted the massive sundae with all the things you liked but couldn’t find in one person. You didn’t want to compromise who you were to get that, you wanted people to play by your rules. And it looks like I compromised who I was because you were the only one interested enough to pursue me. And I thought you were someone I wanted to potentially date. I was willing to date someone who has a wandering eye and is open about it. I was willing to settle for someone who would not compromise and consider my feelings. And shit, I was willing to date someone who wanted to sleep with Justin Bieber…#GROSS. Really? Bieber? C’mon.

You spend your days listening to other peoples’ problems. That’s what you’re paid to do: to listen, to be understanding, to help. But when it comes to your personal life, you shift and your lack of patience with girls is not parallel with your professional job description. Seems a little hypocritical since you're a clinical therapist, but wouldn't you try to apply some of the good characteristics of that line of work to your own life? People say not to mix work with personal life and you certainly do a good job at that, but when it comes to important traits a healthy relationship/friendship needs (communication, help, understanding) that’s something you don’t want to bring to the table. At least not for right now; you're keeping your options open (although you say you want to settle down, but girl, you just can't seem to get enough of these "bad girls"). I get it, you listen to people all day so why would you wanna listen to girls talk about what’s bothering them?

And I’m sure you’re thinking, “why are you being so sensitive, Jules? You haven’t even met me yet.” Well, I can see by your “enthusiasm” of wanting to hang that I’m not that important to you. I was important to you in a sense that you wanted to be honest with me, you didn’t want to hurt me. But you hurt me in other ways: you lost patience when I tried to rationally tell you how I felt, you brushed me off abruptly when you were busy, you brought me down by telling me what was wrong with my personality, you openly compared me to the other girls you were talking to/sleeping with...you even had the pictures and screenshots to justify your reasoning as to why I'm not like the other girls. Sorry for being myself.

If you want to know the root of my insecurities, I think I’ve finally realized that it was you. You were an attribute to my insecurity. You flip flopped with me and other girls. You openly told me details about all of them. You told me about your history with pills. You told me about you. And I gave you support. I gave you RATIONAL support. If I was nothing but someone to have fun with, which I accepted it after many conversations, how could I see something healthy come out of this? I was willing to settle for fun if that was the only attention I’d be getting.

 

I mean, think about it, instead of getting jealous of the stories you would tell me about other girls (like insecure people would do), I would respond with "Oh, cool" or "Maybe that'll help you figure stuff out." But for some reason you saw that rational support as being insecure. So all in all I feel like whatever I'd say to you was never the right thing to say. I was better off just scratching my ass and dancing in a corner then responding. As if you want all of us girls to get mad at each other and be jealous that you're dividing time between all the desserts in front you. It's like you can't pick one so you try each one still undecided. Om nom nom.

I know what I deserve and although you say you’re a simple girl, you’re not. Simple girls don’t get involved in complicated situations involving multiple people. Simple girls do not psychoanalyze others, causing them to question their self-worth. Simple girls are not indecisive and selfish with the feelings of others. You are not simple. You can't make up your mind so why should anyone fight if you're not willing to do the same?

And as innocent as you think I am, I am not weak. So don’t mistake my kindness for weakness and my sincerity as another chance at bulldozing me over with stories about other girls who interest you. I told you before that it takes more energy out of me to be mad then to just brush it off. Because if I was worth any of your time, you wouldn’t have put me down for being human. A human who has feelings, is passionate, is considerate of the other girls you were talking to when I didn't have to be, is willing to accept that you went off with someone else if that means it’ll make your life easier. It’s not like you would fight for me anyways so why should I do the same? It’s not like you even know what you want. Like I said, I was just an option to you.

I don’t regret anything I ever shared with you because you did make me feel special at times. But one day I know I won’t feel the way I’m feeling now. One day, I’ll regain some of the self-worth back that I lost. Although you said you only shit once a week (which sucks because regularity is really important in a healthy lifestyle, along with being comfortable talking about it), you basically took a massive dump on my self-esteem. If you weren’t telling me one thing about the sexy pics Claire sends you or the amount of times you slept with Alexa the night before, you would be calling me insecure when I say, “Good for you” (which doesn’t make sense because that’s basically my sugar-coating the fact that I don’t care and you’re not that impressive…and that it’s a turn off if you’re gonna talk about other girls then ask something normal like “How are you?”).

Your confidence is impressive and I do find your willingness to take the lead attractive. But you are not someone I want to be. It almost feels like defeat how you’ve met these other girls but have yet to grab a drink with me (I guess we have met since we FaceTimed a couple of times) but I’m not too sure if I lost at anything. This isn’t the first time I actually thought “Maybe this is an opportunity to walk away from something that could turn into yet another problem.” And that thought on top of the other red flags I was willing to settle for with you, is probably a reason to walk away. Essentially you let me go. Someone who cared wouldn’t have done that. I'm sure you'll figure out what you want. Maybe one day you'll find someone who likes the "simplicity" you bring to the table. Hopefully it'll be one person and not many because that can get messy.

How’s that for being too nice?

 

Happy National Coming Out Day

Be yourself. Here are some quotes to remind you. But these quotes are also about day-to-day life that anyone could relate at any time. Try to have a happy Friday, gummy bears.

G-chat life chats

The picture says it all. But I have nothing but love for her. One of my best friends who truly brings out the best in me all while listening to my sob stories about my not-so-easy like/love life. So patient, always listens, and continues to build me up when I can't even stand even after I make the same mistakes more than twice. Love you to the moon and back, MK. 

Elastic Heart

The most amazing and appropriate song came out recently. No, I didn't read the books, but the upcoming sequel to The Hunger Games series is coming out soon (Catching Fire) and "Elastic Heart" by Sia, The Weeknd, and Diplo debuted.

Holy Hungry Hippos the combination of artists in this song makes for an eargasm waiting to happen. The lyrics are amazing and hearing the duet with Sia and Abel's vocals sounds so pretty. Yeah, for those of you who didn't know Abel Tesfaye is The Weeknd's real name. Ya heard?! And of course, Diplo's beats in the background just make it that much better. Listen here...


Elastic Heart - Sia (featuring The Weeknd & Diplo)


And another one bites the dust
But why can I not conquer love?
And I might’ve got to be with one
I learned to fight this war without weapons
And I want it and I want it, it burns
But there was so many red flags
Now another one bites the dust
And let’s be clear, I trust no one

(Pre-Chorus)
You did not break me
I’m still fighting for peace

(Chorus)
Well I’ve got a thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I’m like a rubber band, until you pull too hard
But I may snap and I move close

But you won’t see me move no more
‘Cause I’ve got an elastic heart

I’ve got an elastic heart
Yeah, I’ve got an elastic heart

(Verse)
And now I stay up through the night
Let’s be clear, won’t close my eyes
And I know that I can’t survive
I walked too far to save my life
And I want it, I want my life so bad
I’m doing everything I can
Then another one bites the dust
It’s hard to lose a chosen one

(Pre-Chorus)
You did not break me
I’m still fighting for peace

(Chorus)
Well I’ve got a thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I’m like a rubber band, until you pull too hard
But I may snap and I move close

But you won’t see me move no more
‘Cause I’ve got an elastic heart

(Chorus)
Well I’ve got a thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I’m like a rubber band, until you pull too hard
But I may snap and I move close

But you won’t see me move no more
‘Cause I’ve got an elastic heart
You won’t see me move no more
‘Cause I’ve got an elastic heart

I’ve got an elastic heart

Source: http://www.directlyrics.com/sia-elastic-heart-lyrics.html
And another one bites the dust
But why can I not conquer love?
And I might've got to be with one
Why not fight this war without weapons?
And I want it and I want everything
But there was so many red flags
Now another one bites the dust
And let's be clear, I trust no one

You did not break me
I'm still fighting for peace

Well I've got a thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard
But I may snap when I move close
But you won't see me move no more
Cause I've got an elastic heart
I've got an elastic heart
Yeah, I've got an elastic heart

And I will stay up through the night
Let's be clear, I won't close my eyes
And I know that I can survive
I walked through fire to save my life
And I want it, I want my life so bad
And I'm doing everything I can
Then another one bites the dust
It's hard to lose a chosen one

You did not break me (You did not break me, no, no)
I'm still fighting for peace

And another one bites the dust
But why can I not conquer love?
And I might’ve got to be with one
I learned to fight this war without weapons
And I want it and I want it, it burns
But there was so many red flags
Now another one bites the dust
And let’s be clear, I trust no one

(Pre-Chorus)
You did not break me
I’m still fighting for peace

(Chorus)
Well I’ve got a thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I’m like a rubber band, until you pull too hard
But I may snap and I move close

But you won’t see me move no more
‘Cause I’ve got an elastic heart

I’ve got an elastic heart
Yeah, I’ve got an elastic heart

(Verse)
And now I stay up through the night
Let’s be clear, won’t close my eyes
And I know that I can’t survive
I walked too far to save my life
And I want it, I want my life so bad
I’m doing everything I can
Then another one bites the dust
It’s hard to lose a chosen one

(Pre-Chorus)
You did not break me
I’m still fighting for peace

(Chorus)
Well I’ve got a thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I’m like a rubber band, until you pull too hard
But I may snap and I move close

But you won’t see me move no more
‘Cause I’ve got an elastic heart

(Chorus)
Well I’ve got a thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I’m like a rubber band, until you pull too hard
But I may snap and I move close

But you won’t see me move no more
‘Cause I’ve got an elastic heart
You won’t see me move no more
‘Cause I’ve got an elastic heart

I’ve got an elastic heart

Source: http://www.directlyrics.com/sia-elastic-heart-lyrics.html

And another one bites the dust
But why can I not conquer love?
And I might’ve got to be with one
I learned to fight this war without weapons
And I want it and I want it, it burns
But there was so many red flags
Now another one bites the dust
And let’s be clear, I trust no one

(Pre-Chorus)
You did not break me
I’m still fighting for peace

(Chorus)
Well I’ve got a thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I’m like a rubber band, until you pull too hard
But I may snap and I move close

But you won’t see me move no more
‘Cause I’ve got an elastic heart

I’ve got an elastic heart
Yeah, I’ve got an elastic heart

(Verse)
And now I stay up through the night
Let’s be clear, won’t close my eyes
And I know that I can’t survive
I walked too far to save my life
And I want it, I want my life so bad
I’m doing everything I can
Then another one bites the dust
It’s hard to lose a chosen one

(Pre-Chorus)
You did not break me
I’m still fighting for peace

(Chorus)
Well I’ve got a thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I’m like a rubber band, until you pull too hard
But I may snap and I move close

But you won’t see me move no more
‘Cause I’ve got an elastic heart

(Chorus)
Well I’ve got a thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I’m like a rubber band, until you pull too hard
But I may snap and I move close

But you won’t see me move no more
‘Cause I’ve got an elastic heart
You won’t see me move no more
‘Cause I’ve got an elastic heart

I’ve got an elastic heart

Source: http://www.directlyrics.com/sia-elastic-heart-lyrics.htmlWell I've got a thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard
But I may snap when I move close
But you won't see me move no more
Cause I've got an elastic heart
I've got an elastic heart
Yeah, I've got an elastic heart

Well I've got a thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard
But I may snap when I move close
But you won't see me move no more
Cause I've got an elastic heart
I've got an elastic heart
Yeah, I've got an elastic heart

SDS

In most cases, when learning of something sad, sudden, or unexpected, it can be a lot to process when it first happens. There are so many questions racing through your head. Not just questions, but outcomes too. “What am I gonna do?” What do I do now?” Where do I even begin?” “What if this or that happens? Then what do I do?” And what sucks is that your mind can’t come to terms at that very moment to answer those questions. When something first happens, it’s the initial shock that sets in. No other way to cut it. It’s utter shock or disbelief. Ask yourself, how many times you automatically knew exactly what your next move was when something like that happens. If you knew right away, then there’s no need to read this (unless you’re the type of person who likes to prove yourself right, and to remind yourself that YOU are the best and you are never wrong. What? People like that exist in this world. A lot of them, unfortunately). But if things don’t necessarily hit you until the next day, when you have time to process what has sunk in, I feel you, bro.

I call it Second-Day Syndrome. It’s the second day after something traumatic, drastic, completely unfantastic happens and now you’re stuck dealing with your own shitty feelings because they’ve had enough time to marinate in your brain, heart, and soul. It’s when you start crying about everything. Self-pity sets in, you start feeling overwhelmed thinking about the future, you start resenting your friends for not feeling the same way as you. And you most likely take it out on people closest to you. Basically, your shittiness rubs off on other people, making them feel shitty so you turn into this shit-spreading shit fiend that people will start shitting on since you shit on everyone with your shitty attitude. Shit. Shit. Shit. (Marcia. Marcia. Marcia). I feel you, Jan.

And more times than not, you’re gonna go through this a couple of times. I’m sorry, but it’s true. And as much as I don’t want to tell myself that, I can’t help but have to accept that sad, awful truth. Someone hurt you, Jules. What’s done is done and they’re not gonna take it back.

I remember one instance when I suffered from Second-Day Syndrome (SDS). I was dating someone and I basically wasn’t expecting what they told me. Literally, 12 hours prior to hearing this news, things were completely fine. Or so I thought. “It’s not you, I’m sorry.” Okayyyy, soooo….what does that even mean? No answer.

I think when you hear something similar to that, you start to assume that the situation is not going anywhere but downhill from there. And it didn’t really help that the person I was talking to acted like an oblivious chimpanzee with no regard to anything surrounding her. I mean, not to be rude, but she texted like she had a mental disorder most of the time. Half of her responses were not even statements. “So-and-so texts like a retard,” my one friend said in a group text that I asked for advice one time when I was dating this chimpanzee. But it is pretty frustrating when you ask for answers and get absolutely zero closure or explanation in return. This forces you to wonder for a while, laugh in bewilderment, and just not know how to function throughout your day. You're confused and you don't like it because you're used to knowing answers to most things. But when you have no explanation to answers you seek, you get frustrated. The unknown is scary but life consists of unknown everything.

I mean, there’s really nothing left to be said after something happens in your life and you don’t have time to process it right away and the answers you want you cannot receive. Sometimes the best thing to do is to not even say anything at all; no reaction, just kind of sit and let it settle. Something just happened to you and it was out of your control so now deal with it. Despite it being confusing half the time, why waste time trying to wrap your mind over every possible outcome when the outcome already happened? Whatever, you’re still gonna think about it. The person didn't get back to you, so now you're pissed more than anything. But remember (and I tell myself this too): you're never gonna always know everything. Sucks to suck, but it's true. So why waste time seeking answers from an unreliable source.*

*Another quick story from a shitty experience but I made plans with someone to get dinner and was really looking forward to it. A much-anticipated excitement filled me and from what she said, she was excited too. But then she was M.I.A. and part of me had a feeling she would kind of up and disappear. So when I texted her to confirm dinner the next night, I got no response. Instead of going on an angry multiple-text rant to her, I simply wished her a happy birthday the next day and went on with life even though it was pretty difficult.

So now, it’s the acceptance part that will take time. The deed was done, you’re processing it, and taking it for what it is and not for what it could be. She picked that person, not you. You’re out. She don’t want chu no more. You could literally spend half your day questioning what you did wrong but it really doesn’t come down to what YOU did, whether whatever you did was “right” or “wrong.” People fall out of like/lust/love all the time and you’re not immune from that. I’m not immune from that.

You spend your days seeking solace in people who care about you: friends, family, animals, tree stumps. Literally anything or anyone that will listen to you. You might even bring it up at the hair salon when you’re getting a haircut like I did. I don’t recommend that. Well, I mean, it depends. I felt that I could relate to the hair stylist. We shared our personal experiences in the span of 45 minutes. See? I wasn’t alone! So sometimes seeking comfort from complete strangers is okay. I mean, the odds of you running into them are slim to none. I'm not saying he didn't do a great job on my hair but that place was pretty far from my house, and the people weren't friendly (aside from the hair stylist who cut my hair).

You continue to talk about it until you just stop. Some people who haven’t spoken to you in a while will ask about you and the last person you dated and you’ll be forced to sugar-coat the heartbreak and sadness and put on a face that says, “Oh, I’m totally fine now.” But all you want to do is punch a girl scout in the face when they try to sell you cookies. You want to push through sidewalk traffic when you’re dragging your feet to the train station. You want to spit on every couple that is showing public displays of affection and growl “Aww, so coot” under your breath sarcastically. You want to be miserable and annoyed and crabby for a while. But after a while it just gets tiring.

Why be mad at other people for having things you don’t have yet? You know that won’t change anything. What happened, happened already. Being upset won’t make it any better.

I believe that every person is entitled to feel whatever they feel. We are never wrong for feeling hurt no matter how miniscule the issue was. I’m sensitive but I’m also an asshole. An irrational one. I’ve learned and still am continuing to learn how to just quit while you’re ahead. Beating a dead horse will not get you to your end result. The horse is dead already anyways. So don’t expect it to wake up. I don’t know what I’m saying but I guess if whatever is still bothering you won’t change things in the future, then just walk away and leave it alone. Because eventually it’s going to disintegrate into dust kind of like a horse corpse. Gross, I know. But you can’t change the fact that someone changes how they feel about you but you can change your outlook on it. Blessing in disguise? Yeah, maybe!

So, although I have my days where I think about the past and get sad about it, I eventually think about something else like what I’m going to eat for dinner, what my plans are for the weekend, or what’s on TV that night. And I KNOW this won't be the last time I experience SDS. But each time it happens, it'll get a little easier; it'll be shorter than the last time. It’s a learning process and I’m not the only person who wants to spit on cute couples in public just because I want to be a cute couple with someone in public. But each day only lasts 24 hours. And that second day will eventually end and become a new one. The second-day syndrome will cease and a new day will dawn. And another day. And another day. You will think less and less and less of what happened to you. And eventually, you’ll look back at that day long ago and say, “Damn, that was funny” while you’re with that person being a cute couple in public.

Love Somebody

I definitely took advantage of the days when all people would do is watch music videos all day instead of reality television. I definitely took advantage of a lot of things in life but I woke up this morning and my friend had some music videos playing while we cleaned the kitchen. I took a break when I heard this song and thought the song was amazing but didn't realize how awesome the music video was as well. So I sat and watched in awe; a beautiful song and very cool (and sexy) music video as well.

I think the song speaks volumes in terms of what I, along with many other people, want to do in life: to love somebody. Sometimes we love people who aren't good for us. And sometimes we love people who don't make things easy. There will always be one person that changes things, whether they end up being the one or not. But I think that's what happens in everyone's adventure on the long road to love.

Enjoy.


Love Somebody - Maroon 5

I know your insides are feeling so hollow
And it's a hard pill for you to swallow, yeah
But if I fall for you, I'll never recover
If I fall for you, I'll never be the same

I really wanna love somebody
I really wanna dance the night away
I know we're only half way there
But you can take me all the way, you can take me all the way
I really wanna touch somebody
I think about you every single day
I know we're only half way there
But you can take me all the way, you can take me all the way

You're such a hard act for me to follow
Love me today, don't leave me tomorrow, yeah
But if I fall for you, I'll never recover
If I fall for you, I'll never be the same

I really wanna love somebody
I really wanna dance the night away
I know we're only half way there
But you can take me all the way, you can take me all the way
I really wanna touch somebody
I think about you every single day
I know we're only half way there
But you can take me all the way, you can take me all the way
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

I don't know where to start, I'm just a little lost
I wanna feel like we never gonna ever stop
I don't know what to do, I'm right in front of you
Asking you to stay, you should stay, stay with me tonight, yeah

I really wanna love somebody
I really wanna dance the night away
I know we're only half way there
But you can take me all the way, you can take me all the way
I really wanna touch somebody
I think about you every single day
I know we're only half way there
But you can take me all the way, you can take me all the way
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

You can take me all the way, you can take me all the way, yeah.